"Lily?"
"Mm?" Lily replied, while sipping her steaming hot chocolate.
"How would you feel about-" James paused, "about getting married?" In her shock, Lily accidentally swallowed a mouthful of burning liquid. She winced, and hurriedly put down her mug.
"Are you okay?" asked James, his voice full of concern. Lily nodded. Her mouth stung.
"I'm fine," she replied. After a slight pause, she continued. "Marriage? James, we're not even out of school yet. Don't you think you're being a little bit hasty?"
"Maybe, but-" He took one of her hands in his, and stroked the back of it gently. "Don't you love me?" Lily sighed softly.
"Yes, James, of course I do. You know I do. That's not what this is about."
She couldn't believe she was having this conversation in the Three Broomsticks of all places. She almost couldn't believe she was having this conversation at all. She looked around the crowded room at all the chattering students, oblivious to the serious subject that was being discussed in the midst of their fun and frivolity.
"What is it about, then?" James appeared as if he was trying not to look hurt. Lily traced the rim of her mug with her free hand.
"Why do you want to get married?" she asked, avoiding his question. James leaned across the table, in order to get closer to her.
"Because," he half-whispered, "at the expense of sounding like a sap, which I know you don't really enjoy, I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my life than spend it with you." He did sound like a sap, but Lily couldn't help but smile and blush in pleasure at his words. He drew her hand up to his mouth and kissed her palm.
"Yes, love, but that's no reason to get married straight out of school," she replied. "What's your real hurry?" Raucous laughter erupted from across the room. Lily glanced over to see a sixth year attempting to do Russian dancing atop a table. She smiled. James was all of a sudden at her side.
"Come for a walk?" he asked. Lily nodded, and took his proffered hand. He left a few sickles on the table, and led Lily out of the pub.
A warm breeze caught Lily's hair as soon as they stepped outside. The crickets' soft humming made the day feel friendly and inviting. It was almost possible to pretend that there was no war; that they were just two students out for a walk on a Saturday afternoon. Lily relished in that thought. This might be the last time they could do this, before having to go out and face to big, wide world.
They started down the cobblestones at a slow and easy pace, hand in hand. Lily smiled at students she knew as they passed, leaning slightly against James. It was comforting.
"It's just," James started, "This war. It's ruining so many lives. I don't want it to ruin ours before it even begins."
"So, you want to start it quickly?" James squeezed her hand.
"Yes. I want to begin it before it's destroyed. Better that than have none at all." Lily smiled sadly.
"That's a very bleak outlook, James. You seem sure that one or both of us is going to die." James didn't answer her.
"What happened to the chipper attitude that you always have around Sirius?" James simply ran his hand through his hair.
"Why don't you want to marry me?" he asked instead. Lily laughed.
"It's not that I don't want to marry you, it's just that I think getting married right out of school isn't always the best idea. Ask me in a couple of years and I'll be happy to oblige."
James was silent. Lily stood up on her toes and kissed his jaw.
"Why?"
"What would people think, James? The only people who get married right away are people who get pregnant. That's what people will assume."
"That's ridiculous. We've never even..." he trailed off. Lily smiled. "Anyway, I didn't think you were the kind of girl who paid any attention to what people thought."
"Well, I don't want people thinking I'm some sort of... hussy." Lily chuckled at her own choice of words. "But you're right, that's not the whole reason." James waited for her to continue. Lily pulled him to a stop, and turned to face him.
"I just-" she started, "I just wanted to do some things before I settled down."
"Like what?" James prompted.
"Well, I wanted to finish off being a teenager. Having fun, larking about with friends," she said, before adding darkly, "Of course, now that this war is underway, that's all a bit impossible and immature." Lily glared at a poster detailing procedures for surviving a Death Eater attack, before continuing, "Once you get married, you're really an adult. You've got to pay bills, and do housework, and make meals every night. You've got to go to work every day to support your family." She put a hand on James' cheek. "Is that really what you want, love?"
"Yes," he whispered. Lily smiled and shook her head.
"You wouldn't want a nine to five job, James. You would go insane. And before you knew it, there would be children running around. Our young adulthood would be gone in a flash. If we got married, we couldn't join the Order, at least, not full time." She let her hand drop.
"I wouldn't even need a job, Lily. If I wanted, I could not work for the rest of my life, and support you and our family in luxury. And we don't have to have children right away. I'd rather we didn't. What kind of childhood would they have in a war-torn world? Lily, don't you see? We'd be fine. We wouldn't have to be grown up for a couple of years at least." Lily turned to keep walking down the street, but James took her hand and pulled her back again.
"What about all the good things? We could- we could stay in bed all day if we wanted. And we could go for a walk in a park every day, like they do in movies. And if children come along then we could have them sleep in our bed with us, and we could read to them and play with them. And I could kiss you whenever I wanted. Not to mention being able to," he leaned in close, "make passionate love to you." Lily smiled softly. When James talked about sex with his friends, that's all it was. Sex. Rude, lewd and crude. When he talked about it with Lily, though, he always had a reverent tone in his voice. It never failed to fill Lily top-full of affection for him.
"You have a very romanticised version of married life planted in that head of yours. Marriage isn't all roses." James nodded.
"I know." Lily looked almost sharply at him.
"Do you?" James didn't say anything. He simply traced her cheekbone with his fingertips, applying the lightest of pressure. His eyes looked pained.
"It's just- I need to keep you with me, Lily. I can't- it would kill me if you were-" He rubbed his face. "I'm shite at this sort of stuff." Lily closed the gap between them and hugged James tightly to her. He leaned down and pressed his face against her neck. Lily felt tears beginning to pool in the corners of her eyes, and she blinked them away.
"James, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not about to be killed. The Death Eaters have no reason to come after me." James hugged her closer to him, if that was possible.
"You're Muggle-born, Lily. You're top of the list." Lily reached up and stroked the hair at the nape of his neck in an attempt to comfort him.
"It's going to be okay. They don't have any particular reason to come after me. As long as I keep my head down, nothing's going to happen. I'll be fine." She smiled. "Look at this! I'm the one who could be in a danger, and I'm comforting you! Any rational person would have it the other way around." James chuckled half-heartedly.
"I wouldn't be any safer with you than anywhere else. You know that."
"I know," he mumbled against her skin. "But you'd be with me. Isn't it better to spend as much time together as we can, while we can?"
Lily couldn't deny the logic in that.
"That makes sense, actually," she replied. James lifted his head.
"Really?" Lily grinned and nodded. James' face lit up and he kissed her soundly on the lips. He looked so ecstatic, so changed from his attitude a minute ago, that Lily had the sneaking suspicion that it was all a ruse. Lily laughed.
"That's not a yes, you know." James frowned.
"Oh," was all he said.
"I think it would be good to keep discussing the idea before we make any decisions. It's not really something I want to rush into." James grinned.
"But you'll marry me?" Lily laughed.
"At some point, yes, I'll marry you." James looked as though he couldn't believe his luck. He pulled Lily into a tight hug. Lily was certain that her toes had left the ground due to his enthusiasm. When he eventually put her down, Lily turned to see if Scrivenshaft's was anywhere nearby. She was desperately in need of a new set of quills.
"Well, come on James, I need some new quills. Scrivenshaft's is just across the road." James had a mock look of shock on his face.
"Well I like that! We've just decided to get married and all you can think about is quills!" They started across the road together, and Lily rolled her eyes good naturedly.
"We haven't decided anything. And anyway, we've got the IEDs coming up, so I need to know that my quills aren't going to break halfway through one of them."
"Coming up, my eye. They're in two and a half months, Lily." Lily threw a look his way that said, "Same thing," and pushed the door open, jingling the bell.
James, who had hold of one of the very long ribbons trailing down Lily's back from her hair, followed her to the shelves. As soon as she stopped, he stood very close behind her and kissed her hair.
"James?" Lily began, a long-suffering air to her tone.
"Mmhm?" he replied.
"You're not going to be all clingy now, are you?"
"Clingy? Me? 'Course not!" Lily smirked, picked out three quills and took them to the counter to buy them.
"And anyway!" he continued, "Even if I was going to be clingy now, I think engagement is a sufficient reason to be so." Lily turned to face him, leaning against the counter.
"We're not engaged." She pointed a finger at him, "Don't you dare go 'round telling people that we are." James looked crestfallen.
"But you said-" he began.
"A wedding is in the foreseeable future, but we are not engaged, all right? All right?"
"Yeah, all right," he mumbled in reply. Lily smiled and kissed the corner of his mouth.
"I love you," she said.
"Yeah, yeah." Lily grinned and shook her head. She paid for the quills and they left together. Even though they weren't engaged, Lily was feeling rather happy, when all was said and done. She'd known that James loved her, but she had never suspected that it was so deep that he thought them ready for marriage. It left her feeling loved beyond all question. She was utterly unable to keep her eyes from straying to him and smiling.
James took the bag from Lily and grasped her hand as they walked up the street.
"So, am I allowed to tell anyone?" he asked.
"I s'pose you could tell Remus, Peter, and Sirius," she said hesitantly.
"But you'd rather I didn't," he said, finishing her sentence. Lily looked apologetic.
"It's just that not everything is set in stone. When we know more about what's going to happen, you're welcome to tell them." Lily waved at a group of students that passed them.
When James didn't say anything, Lily sighed.
"You think I'm being unreasonable, don't you?"
"No, I just- yeah, okay, I think you're being unreasonable. They're my best mates. They won't tell anyone, if that's what you're worried about." Lily studied the ground as they walked.
"No, it's not that. It's more like the fact that you don't tell everyone as soon as you know you're pregnant, because it's so easy for the baby to die in the early stages."
"So, you're of the opinion that I might change my mind about it." James' face was hard, emotionless.
"That's not what I meant. We just don't know what's going to happen. We could go home for the holidays and something might happen." James looked sharply at her, pulling her to a halt.
"Like what?"
"I don't know, James, anything."
"Nothing's going to happen, all right? I promise."
"James, ten minutes ago you wanted to get married because you were worried something would happen. Now you're sure it's not?" When James didn't answer, she added, "Look, let's not talk about this at the moment. We're thinking about getting married, and we'll leave it there for the moment." James continued staring at the ground. "James?" Lily asked tentatively. "Is that okay?" She poked his stomach playfully. He smiled.
"Yeah, that's okay. Look," he said, pointing, "Emma and Jane are waving for you." Lily glanced over and burst out laughing.
"Good Lord, what on earth is Jane wearing?" As she started to cross street, James called to her, "Lily?" She looked back at him. "I love you." Lily grinned happily.
"Yeah, yeah," she called back, before turning and running across the street.