The disclaimer telling you all that I don't own any GI Joe characters is available now for only a low, low price of twenty billion dollars! But wait! There's more! Act now and we'll throw in some madness and insanity that I'm not responsible for, for free!
The Cobra Shopping Network
"This is degrading," Destro gritted his teeth.
"Shut it, Destro," Cobra Commander said. "We need money and we need it now! And if this is what we have to do to get it then we will do it! Understand?"
"I understand that perfectly. What I do not understand is why we have to do something that is better left to our underlings!" Destro hissed back.
"Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands! Now just smile and follow my lead," Cobra Commander hissed.
"Three…Two…One…" Someone called out. "You're on."
"Welcome back!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully. They were standing on a cheerfully decorated television set surrounded by products. "You're watching the Cobra Shopping Network! Where our prices are so low, it's a steal!"
"Don't tell the authorities," Destro quipped.
Cobra Commander made a fake happy laugh. "For those of you just joining us, the Cobra Shopping Network is a special twenty four hour shopping channel especially made for those individuals who chose a life not regulated by the normal rules of society. Are you a mobster looking to get made? We've got the right suits for you to look good in! Are you a terrorist looking for that oh so special bomb to get your point across? We've got it."
"It doesn't matter if you're a seasoned professional or just starting your career," Destro put on a smile. "We have all the tools and weapons you need to make you look good. Or bad, depending on your goals."
"And you will have no problem reaching those goals with our first product," Cobra Commander went to a table with a large weapon on it. "This is one of our best sellers. The Cobramatic 9000!"
"If you want a good reliable laser weapon this is it," Destro said. "This is the ultimate in personal security. And it can be used as an offensive weapon. Especially when you go out and do all your errands. Like stealing from a bank to assassinating someone or even when you take over a rival's territory. This is the weapon to do it with."
"It can even help with the grocery shopping. You know give you a generous discount if you get my drift?" Cobra Commander quipped.
"Oh it does do that," Destro agreed. "Note the high quality craftsmanship on the materials and the sleek improved design of this weapon."
"You certainly can't get a weapon like this at Wal-Mart can you Destro?" Cobra Commander asked.
"You certainly cannot," Destro agreed. "And today we have a special promotion. If you call and order in the next twenty minutes we will throw in not one, but two recharging chambers absolutely free."
"That's over twenty thousand rounds of ammunition total," Cobra Commander said. "And best of all there are no pesky bullet casings for the police to find."
"That's the beauty of a laser blaster," Destro took the Cobramatic 9000 and took aim at a target. "Now pay attention to this target. See how quick and clean the Cobramatic 9000 destroys its target."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Wow! Look at that! That obliterated the target!" Cobra Commander exclaimed.
"Yes if you want firepower, the Cobramatic 9000 the weapon of choice," Destro said as he handed the weapon to Cobra Commander.
"And it's so light too!" Cobra Commander noticed. "It doesn't feel like you're carrying anything dangerous at all."
"Well you are," Destro told him. "So be careful with the…COMMANDER!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Whoopsie," Cobra Commander laughed nervously as he handed the weapon back to Destro. "Well that wall needed a new window anyway. And a door. Oh well we really didn't need that wall there did we?"
"Well it wasn't a load bearing wall if that is what you are asking," Destro groaned. "But we did need it."
"Oi! Can't a guy do some reading in private once in a while?" Torch snapped as he was sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. "I wanna see what Garfield is doing!"
"A word of note, if you are buying this weapon for your army: make sure you give it to henchmen who know how to handle firearms!" Destro glared at Cobra Commander.
"It does have a very light trigger but that's good in a weapon of mass destruction," Cobra Commander covered. "We'll be right back…And go to the next set."
As soon as the camera was off. "Are you trying to kill us all?" Destro snapped at Cobra Commander as they quickly moved to the next set. "Okay we lucked out and you almost killed Torch but still…"
"Oh big deal. So that bit ends up on the Soup at the end of the week! More publicity for us!" Cobra Commander snapped. "People love bloopers! It's part of the magic of television!"
"Magic is an appropriate word because I'm not sure how you convinced me to do this travesty of telemarketing!" Destro snapped.
"It's not telemarketing. It's television! Haven't you been paying attention to the news? Home Shopping Networks are very popular! Where all other businesses are closing, their sales are going through the roof!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You'd have to be crazy not to take advantage of this!"
"You're just crazy period!" Destro snarled.
"Destro I am going to chalk up this mild temper tantrum to you just being a bit cranky," Cobra Commander waved.
"Of course I'm cranky! It's bloody two thirty in the morning!" Destro snapped. "It's darker than a Shakespeare tragedy out there! Not even the owls are awake!"
"But a lot of members of the criminal element are! Trust me Destro, I know what I'm doing," Cobra Commander said as they stood in front of another set.
"That's what I am worried about," Destro grumbled.
"Just shut up and follow my lead," Cobra Commander hissed. The camera turned back on again. "And we're back! Let's take a look at another one of our best sellers!"
"A look as in not to use it to blow us up to kingdom come," Destro remarked.
"It's the Tiny Bomb! It's small on size, but big on explosive power!" Cobra Commander said as he held up a small round object the size and shape of a watch battery. "Are you tired of lugging around huge expensive bombs that even a hot dog vendor can find? Do you want to travel to another country to blow something up but you have a phobia of bomb sniffing dogs and those oh so pesky and intrusive cavity searches?"
"What about all the time and investment you put into making homemade bombs and then they don't even work half the time?" Destro asked. "I don't know about you, but I find that very annoying!"
"So do I! That's why we at Cobra have developed the Tiny Bomb! The Terrorists' new best friend," Cobra Commander said. "And today we have our special sale, buy one get two free! Let me show you how it works…"
Cobra Commander and Destro looked around. "Okay where are the demo bombs?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh I got that problem Cobra Commander," Monkeywrench walked up to them. "Hello everyone in TV Land! Look Ma! I'm on the Telly! Told you I'd make it in show business! You owe me fifty bucks you old bat!"
"Monkeywrench what did you do with our demo samples?" Destro snapped.
"I hid 'em!" Monkeywrench said proudly.
"All right I know I am going to regret asking you this question," Destro gritted his teeth. "Where did you hide them?"
"I don't know!" Monkeywrench said happily.
"I was right. I do regret asking that. And I am going to regret asking this follow up question," Destro winced. "How can you not know where you hid our demos?"
"Because I was blindfolded and drunk when I did it, duh!" Monkeywrench snorted.
"Commander would you like to take over this interrogation while I have a nice quiet mental breakdown over here?" Destro moaned.
"Don't you worry! I can find them for you!" Monkeywrench pulled out a device. "You see folks! To activate the Tiny Bomb all you gotta do is send out this source code signal by turning on this transmitting device here…"
"MONKEYWRENCH! NO!" Cobra Commander yelled.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Pieces of food rained down on them. "Oh right. The kitchen in the fridge," Monkeywrench nodded. Several pieces of lettuce and vegetables landed on his head. "Cole slaw anyone?"
"Warning…Please do not misplace your Tiny Bombs," Cobra Commander groaned. "And if you do, don't use the source code signal to find them!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh I must have put more over in that back room over there," Monkeywrench blinked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
FLUSH!
"Oh right…I did send a couple down the toilet…." Monkeywrench winced.
"Damn it! Now I'll never find out what my horoscope is!" Torch yelled.
"Why did you do that?" Destro yelled.
"I was trying an experiment," Monkeywrench remarked. "Trying to see if I could blow up any alligators in the sewers but…"
"AAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander noticed that the Tiny Bomb he was holding was glowing and threw it away. "DUCK!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Ooh that was a big one wasn't it?" Monkeywrench asked.
"GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BLOW YOU UP!" Destro roared. Monkeywrench ran out.
"Warning, do not put several Tiny Bombs together in one place…" Cobra Commander winced. "Unless you want to specifically blow up something really large. They tend to sync up and…You pretty much can see where this is going."
"I can see half way across the building and into the parking lot!" Destro snapped.
"Well it's lucky for us we don't own this building isn't it?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Maybe we should move to another product? Something that won't blow us all up?"
"Now it's time for Fashion with the Baroness," Destro moved to another part of the set. "For all the feminine members of our profession. As well as a few males that like to dress up…Here is the Baroness with today's styles!"
"Hello Darlings!" The Baroness strutted out in an elegant black dress and high heels. "Do you want the latest in fashion and personal protection? You can have both. Baroness Style dresses are not only elegant and fashionable…"
A couple of Cobra underlings pounced out and shot at the Baroness's stomach with bullets. She merely yawned as the bullets bounced off her. "But my patented bullet proof technology protects you from bullets. Best of all it is machine washable and no ironing is necessary!"
"Wow, and I do mean wow!" Cobra Commander said in fake surprise. "Baroness you look stunning! And that display of protection stunned me!"
"Yes! Gentlemen surprise that lady in your life with Baroness Style dresses," The Baroness smiled. "Even in the worst gang war you can take her out on the town and don't have to worry about messy blood stains."
"And it has special spanx technology that slims your figure," Destro grinned.
"No it doesn't, Destro," The Baroness glared. "What are you saying I'm fat?"
"Oh boy…" Cobra Commander moaned. "Here we go."
"No I was just surprised at how good you look in that dress," Destro backpedaled.
"As opposed to how I usually look?" The Baroness snapped. "How do I usually look? Like a fat cow?"
"No! No! No!" Destro held up his hands. "I'm just saying you look very good! Don't be so sensitive!"
"And what does that comment mean?" The Baroness snapped.
"He means he thinks it's your time of the month," Torch called out from off set.
"WHAT?" The Baroness yelled.
"NO! HE SAID IT! NOT ME!" Destro pleaded. "HIM! NOT ME! NOT ME!"
"I'll show you time of the month!" The Baroness stormed off the set and started beating up on Torch. "It's the time of the month where I beat up morons!"
"OWWWWW!" Torch yelled.
"That was a close one," Cobra Commander winced at the beating Torch was getting.
"Too close," Destro shuddered.
"I get PMS alright! Putting up with Men's Stupidity! That's what I get and now you are going to get it!" The Baroness screamed.
"AAAAAHHH! Why is everyone picking on me today?" Torch whined.
"OH SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN!" The Baroness shouted.
WHACK!
"Mommy…." Torch moaned before he fell to the floor.
The Baroness walked back onstage. She then grinned. "See…You can even have a good workout and your dress will never get stained by perspiration or blood."
"How very versatile…" Destro gulped.
"What an amazing garment," Cobra Commander agreed. "Uh…Tell us about the shoes that go with it Baroness. Where did you get such beautiful shoes?"
"Oh I am so glad you asked Commander," The Baroness went to a table where several shoes were displayed. "These are the Baroness Shoes, part of Style By Baroness Shoe Collection. As you can see we have so many colors and so many sizes. From size Zero to Size Triple X 15, The Baroness Shoes are beautiful and comfortable for all women to wear."
"They come in so many colors," Destro said. "From Baroness Black to Terrorist Taupe. Winter White, I Love Gold, Desert Tan, Silver Slither and Blood Red. This shoe is guaranteed to go with any outfit!"
"And my shoes don't just look good, they are very practical," The Baroness opened a secret compartment in one of the heels on display.
"Well look at that!" Cobra Commander gasped in fake surprise.
"These heels have a secret compartment where you can hide almost anything inside," The Baroness demonstrated. "They have a small lead lining so airport scanners can't pick anything up. Very discreet if you want to transport something or have a backup bomb."
"Like the Tiny Bomb!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Like the Tiny Bomb," The Baroness took it out of the heel compartment. "Uh important safety tip, if you do have the Tiny Bomb hidden in your Baroness Shoe, do not stomp your heels. Seriously, use some common sense here."
"Let's take a listen to some of our callers," Cobra Commander said. "And hear what they have to say about this and all our amazing products. Ah caller number nine, you are on the air."
"Thank you! I've just gotten my first pair of Baroness Black shoes and I love 'em!" A very masculine New York voice spoke up. "I mean it really makes me feel like a lady ya know?"
"Really?" Destro kept a straight face.
"Yeah my wife turned me onto these shoes and she agrees that they really make my feet fashionable," The man said. "And that ain't easy cause I got this bunion on my left foot that really…"
"Well Sir, I'm glad our shoes will give you and your wife…A lot of comfort and joy," The Baroness said quickly. "But we must move along. There's got to be someone else we can talk to!"
"Hello?" Someone who sounded stoned spoke on the phone. "Hello?"
"Hello, you're on the Cobra Shopping Network," Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Hello…" The Stoner spoke up. "Hello…Is this the pizza guy? Hello?"
"No this is the Cobra Shopping Network…." Cobra Commander sighed.
"Hello…?" The Stoner spoke again.
"Goodbye!" Cobra Commander made a cut motion with his hand across his throat. "Next!"
"Hey! Hey! That chick with the glasses is hot!" A drunken teenager laughed.
"Tell her to show us her boobs!" Someone called out in the background.
"Shut up! Shut up!" The drunken teenager laughed. "She's got great boobs! Can we see 'em!"
"We're already hearing a bunch of boobs!" Destro snapped.
"Yeah this was a brilliant time slot you set us up with!" The Baroness stormed off the set. "Way to go Cobra Commander!"
"Let's take another call shall we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "Cobra Shopping Network, you're on the air."
"Yeah I'd like to say something about your network," A familiar voice spoke up. "It's about to be cancelled!"
"What? Flint!" Destro recognized the GI Joe's voice.
"Did you idiots really think GI Joe wouldn't notice if you set up a shopping channel and a website?" Flint snorted. "Especially since this station's manager called us. Your check bounced"
"You're calling from inside the building aren't you?" Destro sighed.
"What's left of the building," Flint remarked. "Seriously it was pretty easy to get in here with half the walls blown up!"
"Well looks like we're out of time," Cobra Commander remarked as the sound of laser fire was heard in the background. "That's all for now for the Cobra Shopping Network."
"Actually this is all because we are never going to do anything like this again!" Destro shouted. "I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!"
"But before we go, one last demonstration…" Cobra Commander pulled something out of his jacket. "The tried and true way of escaping your enemies. The Cobra Smoke Bomb! Just pull on this lever here and run for it!"
"Wait, Commander!" Destro shouted as the smoke went off. "That smoke also interferes with the electronics of…"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"The Tiny Bomb…" Destro winced. "There goes another wall."
"Hey guys! We found another way in!" Shipwreck was heard shouting. "At least I think it's another way in."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Yup! There's another shortcut!" Shipwreck called out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Okay this should take care of those Joes!" Cobra Commander grabbed a remote control. "The controls to our automatic death walker!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Or the device that sends out a signal to another group of Tiny Bombs," Destro moaned. "I knew it was a mistake to put them all in our getaway vehicles! Commander I suggest we run! Now!"
"CURSE YOU TINY BOMB!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming in the background. "CURSE YOU!"