You Can't Plan Love

Author's Note: I got a lot of requests for this pairing. So I decided to give it a shot. This is a female Shikamaru x Sasuke story. In this story, Shikamaru was born female and her name is Shika. This story will take place after the war and will eventually diverge radically from canon. This fic is also one of several that I"m hoping to release in late January 2018. Viewer reception will play a large role in determining how quickly it will get updated. If any of that bothers you, you might want to turn back now. For those of you still here, I hope you enjoy this story and reviews are always appreciated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit from any of my fanfics.

Chapter 1

"You've got to be kidding me." Shika Nara tries her best not to gape at Kakashi. "You want me to what?" The Sixth Hokage couldn't possibly be serious.

He probably was though. It was a drag, but the cheerful ninja rarely changed his mind once an idea got into that eccentric mind of his. Which could mean only one thing. She was completely and utterly screwed in one the worst ways possible.

The silver haired man chuckles at her expression. "I really wish that you wouldn't act like I just sentenced you to your death." The man was now smiling at her in an infuriatingly serene way that makes Shika want to twitch. "I'm merely asking you to help Sasuke assimilate back into the village and to informally monitor his progress."

Right. She could read between the lines. "You want me to be his babysitter because I'm one of the few people who isn't scared of him." That and the CopyCat Ninja had her between a rock and a hard place. "Being seen with the Hokage's assistant will help reassure people that Sasuke isn't going to defect again."

The Hokage places a bookmark inside the novel he was reading and smiles at her. "Babysitting carries such a negative connotation." Maybe, but that's what he was asking her to do. "Sasuke is a grown man, not a child." That was exactly what she was afraid of. "You're right about everything else though. Besides, I think he's more likely to be pleasantly disposed towards you than most of the other people I could assign this mission to."

Shika couldn't for the life of her see why. Her interactions with Sasuke had been minimal at best. Then again, the same could be said for most of the village really. The only difference really was that she wouldn't be shaking like a leaf next to him.

"How do you figure that?" She raises an eyebrow.

There was no way that she was going to allow Kakashi to get away with making a statement like that and not explain himself. If he was really going to shove this 'informal' mission onto her, the young woman was entitled to be fully briefed.

He glances at the clock. "Well you and Sasuke have never had any sort of grudge with each other, you were peers at the Academy, and I believe that your more…easygoing nature will compliment his more aggressive one." Uh huh. "He could use more friends. Preferably friends who he can have a conversation with that doesn't end in Chidoris and Rasengans flying."

That was a fair point. "Naruto is the only one who has ever been able to really reach him and not end up dead in the process." There had been several extremely close calls though. "No offense. I just don't have that kind of firepower. So yeah, I'm not going to challenge him to combat."

She could run thousands of scenarios through her mind about fighting Sasuke and Shika wouldn't kid herself about any of them. The woman would be damn lucky to come out on top in even a handful of them.

Shika didn't have his chakra reserves or his fancy bloodline. She didn't have his stamina. The only chance that she would have to beat him in a fight would be to outsmart him and that wouldn't be easy to do either. She had seen his test scores at the Academy as well as anyone.

The young ninja was confident in her intellectual prowess though. She could outsmart him. It would just actually be something of a challenge. In a strange way, it would be like fighting Temari. Sasuke was capable of being a good tactician when his rage didn't get the better of him.

"None taken." He smiles at her. "I trust that Sasuke is pulling himself out of the darkness. He's not going to pick a fight with you." Shika wouldn't be so sure about that. "He only just got a pardon. Sasuke isn't foolish enough to throw it away because you two have a minor disagreement about something."

Maybe. Still, she didn't really have a choice. Someone had to watch Sasuke and Kakashi couldn't do it all the time. He was Hokage. There were other matters that needed his attention.

"What a drag." She lets out a heavy sigh. "Alright. I'll try, but I doubt it'll do much good. I mean what do you want me to do with him?" It wasn't like he could go on missions at the moment.

Seriously, what did Kakashi expect her to do with him? Walk around the village with Sasuke like they were friends? Repeatedly?

"He's still recovering from his arm transplant and even if that wasn't a factor, you can't assign him missions outside the village and assigning them inside the village wouldn't be a good idea either." That was one sure fire way to start a panic.

The silver haired Kage smiles. "Well whatever you like." The idiot was rather fortunate that Shika wasn't one of those deluded admirers of Sasuke. "I imagine he'll be most interested in rebuilding his District, but there is always cloud watching and Shogi."

That could have easily been taken the wrong way. She could do whatever she wanted with him? Surely, Kakashi had seen the innuendo in that one.

Innuendo or not, it took every ounce of strength she had not to burst into a fit of laughter at the suggestions. Sasuke Uchiha was not someone who watched clouds and played games to pass the time. It was likely he trained and he might possibly do some reading to supplement his training.

"Sasuke won't do either of those things." She shakes her head.

Those were her hobbies. Not the Uchiha's. Kakashi should know better than to suggest something like that.

Kakashi smiles at her. "He did participate in cloud watching while he was on Team Seven." That was difficult to imagine. "As for Shogi, it's a strategy game and Sasuke is rather competitive. He'd probably play it just to prove he could beat you."

Pft. He was not going to beat her at Shogi. That was one area where Shika had the advantage over him and she certainly wasn't going to lose it.

"I doubt that he'd beat me at Shogi." She snorts in amusement. "Alright. Where is he? I'm assuming you want me to get started as soon as possible?"

"I'm right behind you." A velvety voice causes Shika to jump two feet into the air. "As for Shogi, I've never played before. Kakashi is right though. I love a challenge."

Damn it. Shika couldn't believe that she had let her guard down like that. As she tries to will her heart to stop pounding, the young woman dares herself to look back at the man who she was now in charge of.

Sasuke Uchiha. Someone who could actually destroy mountains and hold his own (while fighting alongside Naruto) against Madara.

"What a drag." She shakes her head, hoping like Hell that she at least sounded casual and unaffected by his presence. "Teaching someone how to play Shogi can be a real pain. I guess we might as well get started then." She stretches and yawns. "I want to get home at a decent hour so I can help tend to the deer."

She didn't dare say that her mother and father would be waiting for her at dinner. Nor did Shika want to tell him about her Clan's forest. The word Clan and any variation of family were firmly off limits around him as far as she was concerned.

Shika might not like Sasuke much, but she wasn't that cruel. That would just be pouring salt in his emotional wounds.

"Sounds fine to me." Sasuke nods. "That way I can get in a decent amount of training before it gets too late." Right. Of course, that would be his primary concern.

"Shouldn't you let yourself get used to your new arm first?" Not that Shika particularly cared, but it was the principle of the thing.

Perhaps, she should have expected it, but Sauske shakes his head. It seemed that he wasn't going to wait to get used to his transplant before training. Figures.

He smirks at her. "I can't channel chakra in it yet, but I want to get used to using it." The last Uchiha looks at his former Sensei. "Kakashi knows that the Loser will never let me hear the end of it, if I don't at least try to use this arm."

Ah. Of course. It would circle back to Naruto. Would those two ever stop competing against one another? Shika doubted it.

"Good to know." She smiles at him. "Well then, I suppose that we should get started. Where did you want to go first?"

Smiling would be a good idea. The last thing she needed was for Sasuke to fly off the handle because he felt like she was picking a fight with him. He seemed to be acting normal enough for now though.

"My District would probably be best." Lovely. Sasuke was just as social as ever, Shika observes. "Gives us a chance to get used to each other without all the stares and whispers. After all, we both know what game Kakashi is playing here."

Kakashi whistles and tries to feign innocent. "I have no idea what you mean." Apparently, even Sasuke wasn't buying it.

"Right." He rolls his eyes. "You didn't assign Shika to monitor my behavior in an effort to soothe the village's anxiety about my return then?"

Like Shika said, Sasuke was smart. She had seen his Academy scores. That and well, few people would know Kakashi better than his students.

"Sasuke, just try to play nicely with the other kiddies for once." Kakashi smiles at him.

It was quite a testament to his self-control that Sasuke didn't roll his eyes again. "Whatever you say." He then turns his attention back to Shika. "Are you ready to go?"

By Sasuke standards, this was likely considered polite behavior. "I'm ready." This was such a drag, but she'd play nice for now. After all, if Sasuke was going to be civil, she might as well return the favor.

A few minutes later, Sasuke and Shika were heading towards his District. Maybe, it was the painkillers talking, but the last Uchiha found himself rather amused by this situation.

Kakashi had actually done it. "You know why he chose you, right?" He had gone and found someone who was about as neutral towards him as it was possible to be.

They knew each other in passing from the Academy, but Shika had never been one of his admirers. She wasn't a rival, a friend, or an enemy. The woman was just someone he vaguely knew and who Sasuke suspected probably had a somewhat negative opinion of him, but was too much of a professional to openly show it.

"Because I'm the only woman in this village who doesn't cower at the mention of your name or want to have your children, I know." She shakes her head. "Are we close?" She looks around. "People are already starting to stare. So try to keep your voice low if you can."

Sasuke blinks at her assessment. Whatever he had been expecting her to say, that wasn't it. Sadly, it was accurate. People generally had one of four responses to him these days. They feared, hated, admired, or lusted after him.

It was really only Team Seven and Taka who didn't fall into one of those camps. Maybe, Shika did as well though. She certainly didn't act like she feared or hated him. Nor did she act like she wanted to have his babies as the woman had so 'tactfully' put it.

"That's one way of looking at it." There was no point in disputing her statement. "Oh and yes, we're almost there." He nods at her.

Sasuke could already hear the whispers and the chattering going around. Shika had become a hero in the war for her role in helping to bring the Allied Shinobi Forces. The fact that he was even within a thousand feet of her was sure to get every tongue in this village wagging.

"Good." She sighs as she runs her fingers through her long, pitch black hair.

At some point, she must have managed to tame those spikes a good deal. "You grew your hair out." He could remember her hair being shorter and pulled into a spiky bun at the Academy.

Those dark tresses now reached to the curve of her hips. Bound in a simple high ponytail. Maybe, it was the ponytail that had tamed most of the spikiness, he muses.

"Well yeah." She shakes her head. "Been awhile since we last saw each other. Hair does grow." Who knew she could be so sarcastic? "It was a drag to keep cutting it, so I just let it grow out and it's easier to put it in a ponytail. Wait. Why are we having this conversation?"

He had no idea. It was a stray thought that occurred to him. "Something to talk about. If they see me talking to you, they're less likely to think that I'm going to destroy the village." It was the truth, but it wasn't the whole truth.

"I guess that's a good point." She nods as she walks next to him.

Yes, her hair had definitely grown out to her hips. Her hips which now had a nice curve to them. Sasuke had never really paid much attention to such things before, but it was hard not to notice such things when someone was walking right next to you.

Maybe, it was because he hadn't seen her in such a long time. Whatever the reason, she was filling out that green Jonin vest and those gray pants of hers very nicely. It was rare to see a female ninja who didn't have a lean, muscular, or willowy body type.

He nods as they continue walking side by side. "There was a reason why I graduated at the top of the Academy." Shika feels her lips twitch upwards in amusement at that. Kakashi was right. Sasuke really was competitive.

"What a drag." After waiting a few minutes and allowing Sasuke to think he'd 'won,' Shika decides to launch a counterstrike. "You did well because you're smart and you're strong, but if I had wanted to I could have beaten you easily on test scores."

They both knew it. While Sasuke definitely had a genetic advantage over her, this was one area that Shika knew she could outshine him. She knew such behaviors were childish, but it still felt nice to know that she could beat someone like him at anything.

"Probably." Sasuke actually smirks at her. "You didn't try though. Nine times out of ten, you'd rather do a tactical retreat than fight." He pauses for a moment before pointing to the only building still standing in the District. "I heard about your fight with Temari and we're here."

That was irritating. Shika had never really cared what others thought about her. What she cared about was completing the mission in the least troublesome way possible, but for some reason well what he just said bugged her. A lot.

"Not everyone gets off on near death experiences." She shakes her head as she enters the house with him. "I'd rather live to fight another day which is why regular ninjas tend to live longer than exceptional ones." They always liked to push their limits just a little too far. "People like the Sannin, Onokai, and the Third Hokage are in the minority. If you push your luck long enough, it eventually runs out."

Why she was having this conversation, Shika didn't know. Probably her pride. She should have known better than to get those digs in. This might not end well.

"You're probably right about that." Sasuke shrugs. "I guess given the choice between being a lion for a day or a lamb for a lifetime, I chose the lion and you chose the lamb. Though in your case, it might be more out of laziness than anything else."

Was he insulting her or bantering? Normally, she'd assume it was an insult. Sasuke was smiling though.

"The two aren't mutually exclusive." Shika shakes her head at him and tries to salvage her pride. "The nail that sticks out the most is usually the one that gets pounded down the first."

Sasuke leads her to the kitchen. "If anyone else said that to me, I'd assume it was a threat." Damn. Why hadn't she considered that possibility before? It did sound like a threat.

Her words might have sounded like a threat, but the environment didn't. Bizarre. This place looked like any other kitchen. There was no thing about this place that told the tale of the Uchiha Massacre. At least not here.

"It's not a threat." She bites her lower lip and tries to figure out how to get out of this troublesome mess. "I'm not masochistic enough to pick a fight with you. I'm not scared of you, but it'd be a drag to fight you."

He was different now than before. Shika had barely known him at the Academy and before the war, but she could see it. The way he moved around reminded her of a ghost and a black panther at the same time.

It was like Sasuke was in the kitchen with her and yet, he wasn't. His journey had done some good. It was just a question of how much?

She meant it when she said she wasn't scared of him though. "You sure about that?" A kunai goes flying at her, landing right beside her cheek. "I was a criminal ninja, after all. Some people say that I'm the next Madara."

"Then they're wrong." The kunai hadn't even grazed her. "Madara wouldn't have walked me back to the Uchiha District. He would have just killed me automatically and he never would have thrown a kunai, if he didn't intend to hit me."

Sasuke blinks at that. It seemed that she had stunned him. Good. That was a start. If she was going to survive this strange assignment, Shika knew one thing without a doubt. She needed to plan everything perfectly. There was no room for error.

Pakkun was thoroughly exhausted after tailing Shika and Sasuke. It was a longer walk to the Uchiha District than he remembered. Still, Kakashi had given him a job to do and there was no way that he could let the other man down.

"How'd it go?" Kakashi smiles as the canine pads his way inside the Hokage's Office.

How'd it go? Well it had been exhausting, but Pakkun knew that wasn't what the other ninja meant. "They seemed to be getting along about as well as could be expected." He lays down on the rug. "Perhaps, a bit better than expected really. Are you sure this was a good idea though?"

Shika was a genius, but she also was about as aggressive as those deer that her family tended to. Well unless it was a life or death battle or she was avenging her Sensei. That brought the fire out of her.

"Well they do say opposites attract." Kakashi nods knowledgably. "I can't really think of two people more different. That and they do have a couple things in common. They're both young, prodigies."

Maybe, he had a point. They didn't seem to be struggling for things to talk about on their way back to Sasuke's home. Pakkun could only hope that this wouldn't somehow backfire though.

There were at least a million ways it could. "Are you really hoping that they'll have puppies together or something?" With Kakashi it was truly hard to tell.

"Oh. I wasn't thinking that far ahead." Kakashi smiles as he flips another page in his book. "I just think that Sasuke could use a friend who he doesn't get into life or death fights with on a daily basis."

Pakkun snorts at that. Kakashi hadn't changed, even after all these years. The canine almost couldn't believe that the man had said that with a straight face. Almost. After all, this was still Kakashi.

"You know for a ninja, you're a very bad liar." Pakkun sighs.

Kakashi sighs dramatically and places a hand over his heart. "I'll try to improve my lying skills." He then chuckles. "Alright though. Fine, have it your way. I suppose you caught me. I'm attempting a little matchmaking." Uh huh. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Pakkun feels his eyes nearly pop out of his head as soon as the human said that. "You can't say something like that!" The man should know better than that. "You just jinxed everything. As soon as anyone says that, horrible things happen."

"Pakkun, you worry too much." He smiles at the Ninja Dog and tosses him a doggie biscuit. "I'm sure that things will work out just fine and the puppies as you call them will be absolutely adorable."

Oh boy. Kakashi had lost his mind. There was no way that this could possibly end well. Oh well. Pakkun supposed he might as well stock up on popcorn and enjoy the show.