I don't own Hetalia, Hidekaz Himaruya does. I guess this can't really count as a fanfic, as it's more of a series of vignettes. I was doing some random searching around the internet the other day and I came across Forbes's latest poll of the Happiest Countries on Earth. Wouldn't you know it; the top 10 happiest countries are all canon Hetalia characters! So this is just what I think each country's reactions would be. At the same time, think I let the story run amuck from me, because at times it seems OOC. In any case, enjoy!
P.S. – All of the songs for Eurovision have been announced, and I've already come up with a few ideas for a fanfic for them! Here's a short slide-show of each Hetalia character's songs (without the spaces): h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = _ g g A 9 – R c M k M. But don't worry—I intend to be non-partisan for every song (-cough-GO POLAND!-cough-)
Are You Happy?
10
America was chomping down on a cheeseburger and loudly slurping a chocolate milkshake when a Forbes magazine was casually tossed onto the table in front of him. He looked up to see Tony take the seat opposite him at the table.
America looked down at the magazine, and then looked at the Gray sitting across from him. "Come on, dude! You know I don't like magazines if they don't exploit celebrity lives or have guns in them!"
Tony said nothing, as usual. He reached back across the table and flipped the magazine open to a specific article. He tapped on the article in question.
America leaned in close. "The happiest countries on Earth? Oh wow, I'm in the top 10! Have I ever been in the top 10 before?"
Tony shrugged.
"But I'm number 10?" America exclaimed. He snatched up the magazine. "Why am I so low? Sure, my economy's in the crapper and I owe China a whole lot of money and everyone makes fun of me for being fat, but I'M THE HERO! I'm the greatest country on Earth! How could they do this?"
Tony shrugged again.
America glared at the magazine for a moment before he casually shrugged and tossed it aside. "Ah, well. I'm still the greatest. Ooh, McFlurries!" He abandoned his milkshake to run back to the McDonalds counter.
9
His rabbit, with the heart-shaped mark on its back, was chewing on his shoelaces. At the moment though, he didn't care.
Netherlands placed the white stick between his lips and lit it up. He inhale, and his aloof, cold world became dreamy and wonderful. He sighed and leaned his head back as a steady stream of smoke blew from his lips. "Northern Lights…"
Satisfied with the misty sensation floating around in his head, Netherlands picked up his cell phone and dialed up a specific number. This should be fun…
The phone answered on three rings. "Hola?" the breathing was heavy, as if he were out of breath.
"Hallo, Spain," Netherlands said curtly. Though the marijuana mellowed him out, he couldn't help but feel pretty high and mighty at the moment. "I ranked 9th. You ranked 23rd. How does it feel to know that I'm happier than you are?"
"Netherlands? Er, can this wait?" there seemed to be a commotion on the other line. "I'm quite busy, and—ah! Where are you going?" Spain was talking to someone else in the room with him.
"You drag me up here and then you—but you answer the phone!" Netherlands recognized this voice, and a cold feeling formed in his stomach. "If you stop half-way, then I'm not staying, you tomato bastard!"
"Oh, don't be like that, mi amor!" it sounded like Spain had grabbed someone. "I will give you so much attention—"
Netherlands snapped his phone shut, and had to brace his body against the table to avoid vomiting. It took a very long moment to dispel unsettling mental images in his head. Okay…that didn't go well.
Needing a palate cleanser, he picked up the phone and called another number. When she answered though, she would usually hang up on him. He would just have to hope she wouldn't do it this time.
She answered after three rings as well. "Hallo?"
"Belgium," he said quickly, just in case she hung up. "I'm the 9th Happiest Country on Earth!"
Belgium was silent on the other line for a long time. "…That's nice."
Good, she didn't hang up. Netherlands pushed onward. "You ranked 16th, but that's still pretty high! And we both ranked higher than SPAIN!" he hissed with laughter. "Isn't that wonderful?"
Belgium was still silent for a long time. "…How's your loli-con complex doing?"
"W-Wat?" Netherlands exclaimed. He barely got the word out before Belgium disconnected. "Godverdomme!" He punched the table in frustration. "How dare she speak to me that way!"
His rabbit nuzzled his ankles, and it took another long moment for him to calm down. He took another drag off his blunt and picked up his phone. "I'm calling Luxembourg…"
8
Switzerland idly cleaned his rifle, enjoying the sound of silence in his backyard. The sun was shining, and he could hear birds singing in the nearby trees. It wasn't very often that he got simple moments like these.
Maybe I need to take breaks more often. Satisfied with the cleaning job on his gun, Switzerland began to reload it. I don't realize how stressed I am until—
"DOITSU!"
Switzerland snapped to attention, and snapped his gun shut. He slowly rose to his feet as he saw the rapid movement of trees on the other side of his backyard. Seconds later, Italy burst from the trees, waving a bag of pasta over his head. "Doitsu! Germany, I brought the pasta! Let me make you some paaaaaasta!"
He had no doubt just taken his siesta, because he was three-quarters naked. That was better than the instances where he showed up completely naked, but…
"I'm making pasta!" Italy sang obliviously, skipping across Switzerland's lawn. "I'm ma—"
In that moment he saw Switzerland, who cradled his gun to his chest. The color drained from Italy's face as they both stood there for a moment staring at each other in silence.
"I love everything about you…I couldn't do without you…" Liechtenstein sang to herself as she carried her laundry basket down the hall. "Whenever you're near me all my days…are on the bright side…"
BANG!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"
BANG! BANG!
"I'M SORRY! MI SCUSI! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
Liechtenstein froze in her tracks, but the sound of gunfire didn't nearly startle her so much anymore. She set down her laundry basket and walked over to the nearest window. Outside, Switzerland was chasing Italy all over the backyard, firing his gun away. Italy was screaming and crying, and Switzerland was screaming various swear words in German.
Liechtenstein blinked very slowly. "Nii-san's in a good mood. But he is ranked number 8 as a happy country." Her shoulders drooped slightly. "And they didn't rank me at all…"
7
"Wow…" Canada looked at the Forbes article with awe. "I'm number 7, Mr. Kumasano!"
Mr. Kumajirou scratched one of his ears and looked up. "Who are you?"
"I'm Canada! But look!" he showed the little bear the article. "I'm in the top 10 for the Happiest Country on Earth! I was noticed!"
"That's…nice," Mr. Kumajirou said.
"Well, this calls for a celebration!" Canada laughed as he stood up. "I think I'll make pâté chinois for dinner and pancakes for dessert! With maple syrup, of course! Does that sound good, Mr. Kumakichi?"
Mr. Kumajirou shrugged.
"Now I just have to—"
Canada's cell phone suddenly rang, startling him. He saw the caller-ID and some of his good mood ebbed. It was America calling. Please don't make him want to play baseball!
But…maybe America heard about his placement in Forbes? Maybe America wanted to congratulate him?
Canada flipped open the phone. "Hello, America."
"Dude, Canada!" America shouted on the other line, causing Canada to wince. "Did you see Forbes, man? I moved up four whole spots! I'm the 10th happiest country on Earth!"
"That's…nice," Canada said reluctantly. "I was also—"
"I mean, I know everyone's always jealous of me because I'm so awesome, but not they're finally acknowledging me for all my greatness! I mean it's 10th and all, but I'm not LAST at least!"
"R-Right, and I'm sev—"
"So I'm like, totally going to party! Beers kegs and all that fun stuff! Gotta go!"
The line abruptly disconnected. Canada stared at his cell phone in silence for a moment, and then looked at Mr. Kumajirou. "…I placed higher than him, and he didn't once congratulate me." His shoulders drooped slightly. "Only he could achieve less but make more out of his victory…"
"Who are you?" Mr. Kumajirou repeated.
"…I'm Canada. The 7th Happiest Country on Earth…"
6
"Honey honey, let me feel it, ah-hah, honey honey. Honey honey, don't conceal it, ah-hah, honey honey. The way that you kiss goodnight (The way that you kiss goodnight)…The way that you hold me tight (The way that you ho—"
"PAPA-SWEDEN!"
The headphones were unplugged and the disco music filled the room. Sweden's eyes snapped open as he regarded the boy holding the headphones cord.
"I can't find the cookie-dough!" Sealand announced. "Åland and I have looked everywhere! And…" he trailed off as he started to intake the music permeating the room and he made a face. "Golly, this music is horrid! Why would you torture yourself listening to this, Papa-Sweden?"
Sweden said nothing, but he abruptly stood up to his full height. His face darkened as he regarded Sealand with suppressed rage.
Sealand yelped and quickly fled the room. "I'm sorry! Don't be angry! Papa-Finland said you ranked number 6 as a Happy Country! Happy countries don't get angry!"
Sweden didn't follow him. He calmly plugged his headphones back in and sat back down.
5
The sheep were quietly grazing. New Zealand patted the head of the closest one affectionately as he walked through the field. He took a deep and let it out slowly, enjoying the feel of the clean air.
"Me kimi i te ao nei," he sang quietly to himself, kneeling down to inspect one of the sheep's leg. "He wahi hei rite…Ki tōu kāinga tupu, E matea nuitia nei. Hei aha nga kino…"
He trailed off slightly as he went to check on another sheep. It seemed like such a quiet day to him, he couldn't help but enjoy it.
"Whakamihi!"
New Zealand straightened, and shielded his hand over his brow. There was a small group of people waving to him. He idly waved back, though he was confused. "Whakamihi?" he looked at another sheep approaching him. "Have I done something? Why am I being congratulated?"
"I guess you ranked 5th as the Happiest Country on Earth," the sheep responded.
New Zealand gaped at the sheep for a moment before he laughed. "Really? I guess I am pretty happy!"
His pocket began to hum, and he pulled out his cell phone. The sheep sniffed at his hand. "Who's calling? More people to congratulate you?"
"…Not really," New Zealand said slowly. "Just Australia."
4
In a dingy fishing boat along the north-western side, Australia pocketed his cell phone. "Yeah, New Zealand heard! We're pretty awesome to be 5th and 4th! And I'm bloody happy!" he shouted loudly.
The companion beside him shifted slightly. "…Can I ask you a question?"
Australia grinned toothily at him. "You bet, mate! What's on your mind, Paul?"
Paul Hogan coughed discreetly. "While I'm flattered you invited me to go fishing, I hope you realize your boss is still after me."
"Don't worry, don't worry! One of these days he's going to let up and stop charging you with tax fraud!" Australia held onto his smile as he threw out his line again. "I believe in you, and so do my people! That's what matters!"
"While that pleases me, your faith hasn't halted the efforts of the government of trying to arrest me. It…" Paul trailed off as he looked to the other side of the boat. "Is he fishing?"
Australia's koala was standing on the bow, handling a fishing pole. By the jerking motions of the pole, it looked like it caught something. "All right, hang on!" Australia cheered him on.
"Can koala's swim?" Paul asked warily. "And why is he even fishing? He's suppose to be a vegetarian."
Regardless, a few moments later the koala went flying back into the boat, his fishing pole still clutched in his claws. Australia's jaw dropped as a huge fish, easily weighing ten pounds, flopped onto the bottom of the boat. "Crikey!" he cried out, picking up his koala. "That was incredible! Wow, this is an awesome day for me! Is it any wonder I'm so HAPPY?"
"That's…nice," Paul said warily.
3
"The cookies are done!"
Finland idly drank from his cup of coffee at the table as Sealand pulled out the pan holding the chocolate-chip cookies and set it on the stove.
Åland squealed and hopped down from her seat to run to the stove. "Småbröd!"
"Försiktig!" Finland scolded sharply, quickly jumping to his feet. "They're still hot! Het!"
"…Okej, Mamma," Åland said reluctantly, moving away from the stove and back to her seat.
"They'll be cool, soon!" Sealand announced, pulling off the gigantic oven mitt and sitting back down at the table. "But why did Papa-Sweden get so mad? I don't think I was rude!"
"You called his music torture, Sealand," Finland pointed out, sipping from his coffee mug again.
"That was his music?" Sealand asked. His eyes went round. "He likes that?"
"That band helped him win his first Eurovision," Finland said, though he smiled behind his mug. "And even now they're the most successful band that started in Eurovision."
"…Oh." Sealand shrugged and idly kicked his legs for a few moments in silence. Åland was eagerly watching the cookies, very impatient for when they would cool down.
"Papa-Finland?" Sealand asked suddenly.
"What is it?" Finland asked.
"Are you happy?"
Finland gaped at him for a moment before he laughed. "Of course I am! Don't I look happy?"
"I thought so," Sealand said. "Because you ranked 3rd this year. But you were 2nd last year and you fell down a place. Why's that?"
"It's not just me as a person that gets ranked," Finland said. "All of my people and my economy get ranked as well. But don't be worried about me just because I fell down a spot. It…" he stopped for a moment as he realized something. "Are you worried because Su-san also fell in the ranking?"
"Är något fel?" Åland asked fearfully.
"Ei, inget," Finland reassured her. "Everything is fine, you two. The cookies are almost cool, so go wash your hands. Tvätta händerna."
"Right!" Sealand cheered. "Let's go, Åland!"
"Ja!" Åland cheered.
"And don't bother Su-san!" Finland called after them. Once he was left alone in the kitchen he idly played with his coffee mug. After a moment, he sank his head into his arms. "Jumala…I have turned into a housewife…"
2 and 1
Iceland pressed his back into the couch. "Seriously, just cut it out!"
"Onii-chan," Norway said, leaning over him. Mr. Puffin began plucking at his leg, but he didn't notice.
"Just let it go! I won't say it!" Iceland tried to stand up, but Norway grabbed his shoulders and held him fast.
"Onii-chan," he repeated himself.
"I'm not calling you that, okay?" Iceland sputtered. "Isn't it enough to know that we are brothers?"
Norway seemed to think about it for a moment. "…Nei."
"Oh, come on—"
Norway's front door suddenly burst open. "NORGE! Are you home?"
Norway snapped up, and his mouth formed a thin line. "…Denmark."
Denmark rushed into the house and crushed the other man in a tight hug. "Congratulations! I hate defeats, but you're the only person I can stand losing to!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Norway asked bluntly. He looked over Denmark's shoulder and his eyes widened when he saw Greenland and Faroe come inside, each of them holding bags of chips and Danish beer. "W-What?"
"Why do you look like a mess?" Greenland asked Iceland as he set the beer on the coffee table. "Did Norway's troll molest you again?"
Iceland quickly fixed his shirt, his face completely flushed. "N-N-Nothing happened!"
"Is Oji-san sending you text messages again?" Faroe asked, opening a bag of chips and munching on them.
"FAROE!" Iceland shouted, jumping across the table to cover her mouth.
"Oji-san?" Denmark repeated, looking up briefly from cuddling Norway. "What is that, Japanese?"
"Who's Oji-san?" Norway said, finally shoving Denmark away.
"Nobody—" Iceland began.
"Someone who sent him a text message," Faroe cut in.
"So you are in love," Greenland said blandly, opening a can of beer.
"How do you know all of this Faroe?" Norway asked.
Faroe shrugged innocently as she sat down in a nearby chair. "Denmark gave me 524 krone to read his text messages."
"You WHAT?" Iceland shrieked.
"You did what?" Norway asked, more calmly.
"Faroe!" Denmark reproved, before forcing a smile at Norway. "Ah—Norge. You know how kids—"
Norway proceeded to strangle him with his own tie. "To sneak around like that…and behind MY back!"
"You were bribed?" Iceland snapped at Faroe.
"524 krone?" Greenland asked, gulping down his beer. "Why didn't Denmark come to me about that?"
"Wait a minute—"
"But you're avoiding him," Faroe said. "We had to drag you out of your house to come here."
Norway released Denmark, leaving him gagging on the floor. "So what brought all of you to my house anyways?"
"I'm putting a lock on my phone," Iceland fumed, jabbing his fingers into the phone keys.
"Right," Greenland said. He handed Norway a beer. "Congratulations."
Norway stared down at the beer and then back at him. "For what?"
"Forbes announced their list of Happiest Countries," Faroe said. A smile lit up across her face and she stood up. "You're number one this year, Norway."
Norway's brow twitched, but otherwise his face remained neutral. "…I am?"
"T-That's right!" Denmark cheered, recovering quickly. He jumped back up to his feet. "I have been the happiest country for the longest time, but this time you beat me!" but he was smiling at Norway. "You're now the happiest of us all! And I couldn't be happier!"
"That's…great." Norway cracked open the can of beer and drank it neutrally.
Iceland tucked his cell phone in his pocket and regarded Norway. "Wait a minute…Denmark isn't the happiest country in the world anymore?" he gestured to his older brother in disbelief. "You're the Happiest Country on Earth now? Really?"
Norway stared at him for a long moment. "Why?" he asked blandly. "Don't I look happy?"
"You came in 12th," Greenland said to Iceland. "So, you moved up eleven spots from last year."
"…I did?" Iceland asked.
"That's what LOVE will do to you!" Denmark cheered, suddenly picking Iceland up and crushing him in a hug. "Who's the lucky guy?"
"WHAT?" Iceland screamed again.
"Or girl," Denmark quickly added. "Whichever way you swing, all you need is love! Look what love has done for Nor—"
Norway connected his foot with Denmark's back, and the other Nordic fell violently to the floor. "I may be the Happiest Country on Earth," he said sternly. "But now I have a headache…thanks to you!"
Faroe continued to eat her potato chips as she looked at the differing emotions on all the males in the room. "You guys are acting silly."
If you would like to see more about the rankings of the Happiest Countries, I would recommend going to Forbes's website or googling it. Here are some minor notes:
- Sweden is listening to 'Honey, Honey' by ABBA, which in my humble opinion is the worst song they've ever released. And I'm saying this as an ABBA fan, lol. And yeah, ABBA won Sweden's first Eurovision title in 1974.
- Liechtenstein is singing 'In Love For a While' by Anna Rossinelli, which happens to be Switzerland's entry for the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest.
- New Zealand is singing a Maori rendition of the 1822 song 'There's no place like home', which is called 'Te Kaianga Tupu'. You can get the full lyrics, and English translation, at the website NZ Folk Song.
- Paul Hogan is one of Australia's most famous actors, known wildly as being Crocodile Dundee. Unfortunately for the past several years he's been locked in serious legal trouble with the Australian government over alleged tax evasion. The last time he was in Australia, which was to go to his mother's funeral, he was arrested and held on the condition he would be released if he paid what he allegedly owed. He managed to work out a plea deal and was able to return to the United States, where he'd been living. He has since filed lawsuit against Australia, so this is obviously far from over for him.
- 524 Danish krone is roughly the equivalent of 100 US dollars. Lolz.
Finally, congratulations to Norway for being the Happiest Country on Earth!