MUHAHA! Guess who's back? This story... well, there's not really much I can say about how it reflects on me. It either makes me certifiably insane, or a complete genius. It came to me one night... Well, I don't really know how it came to me. It just sorta... popped into my head like "OMG CROSS ALICE IN WONDERLAND AND FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!" and wouldn't leave me alone. One thing was the whole... Edward could be Alice. I mean, he's got the hair. And then... Edward in a dress. So I came up with this load of craziness. Also, it's not going to be completely like Lewis Carroll's book, Disney's movie, or Tim Burton's movie. It'll most likely be a combination of all of those, and then an assload of Madarao-craziness! Ya know what I mean? I gotta put some /me/ in all of my stories, and this one is no different.
Edward: I. Cannot. Believe. This.
Roy: You should be able to believe it. This Madarao we're talking about.
Me: Fer sure! I'm a nutty person!
Edward: Trust me, she didn't touch my crack this time.
Roy: /I/ hid it. (She was hiiiiigh as a kite. Marijuanaaaaaaa.)
Me: Nope! I didn't touch the crack. Also, it's possible this'll be a little confusing. Just because it's Alice in Wonderland. Then again, it might not be. I hope it's not... But whatever.
Also, there's probably going to be some RoyEd goodness somewhere in here, so you can either skip over those parts or stop reading right now. Thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. It is Hiromu Arakawa's. I don't own Alice in Wonderland, either. Lewis Carrol came up with it when he was high. -nods-
Warnings: Foul language. Cross-dressing.
Edward: Another warning. This authoress is on drugs and completely nutters. Course, she's always been insane so-
Roy: Stop while you're ahead.
Me: I say you take Roy's advice, Edward. Enjoy the story, you guys! xD
The rays of sunlight filtered beautifully through the tree branches, leaves clinging to them in the light May breeze. Animals- mostly small rodents like squirrels and rabbits- rustled about in bushes, then dashed out or up a tree. Birds scattered from branches at the sounds of approach; insects hopped out of the way of two pairs of feet- one wearing high-heels and the other military-style boots.
"I cannot believe you made me do this, Alphonse!" the one wearing high-heels screeched, sending a rabbit under a bush running. The one wearing the boots- apparently Alphonse, if the one screeching was correct- simply chuckled, slipping his hands into his pockets casually.
"I simply told you that Nina wanted someone to dress up in a lovely princess' outfit for her tea party."
"You did not! You made me put… this on!" A glinting automail hand gestured to the powder blue dress that hit directly above the knees, a scowl taking up residence on the owner's face. The left leg, like the right arm that had been used to gesture, was automail as well.
"Really, Edward, you're overreacting." Alphonse replied, shaking his head slowly.
"How the fuck am I overreacting? You put me in a dress!" He stumbled in the heels, almost face planting in the grass. It his brother had not been there to catch him, he would have. Being pissed off, he didn't bother to thank the younger Elric, instead smoothing his skirt and making sure the cloth holding the dress up was still tied tight around his neck. He fiddled with the wrap around the waist for a moment, then growled and dropped his hands. "I have absolutely no more dignity left!" Edward whined, looking up through the leaves as if someone above would help him. Not that he actually thought they would, considering he didn't believe in a god or goddess.
"Of course, it could have been worse; at least that dress is fairly simple."
"That's not the point! The point is that I'm a guy… in a fucking dress! Why couldn't you have worn it?"
"Ah, not much farther now!" Al announced, intentionally ignoring his older brother's question.
"Hey! You listen he-Ah!" Edward tripped in the heels again. This time, though, it wasn't flat ground he almost hit, or any sort of ground, for that matter. There was a large hold surrounded by the root of the tree he'd been walking around.
"Ed!" His brother's hand caught his wrist, but that did no good in helping them regain their balance; Alphonse simply tumbled through the hole with Edward. A gold ponytail whipped around the eldest's throat with the wind, and an automail hand gripped a stray root. But, with both of their weight- for Alphonse had grabbed his brother's ankle- the root pulled free of the ground and they were tumbling down again. His fingers clawed at loose dirt this time. The dirt quickly changed to a number of things: Paintings, clocks, beds, skulls, jars, crystal balls, any number of things you could imagine. He stopped trying to get a grip on something then.
"What the fuck, Al? What is th-" They both landed in a heap on the floor of a tall room, Edward lying across his brother's stomach. The both groaned loudly. Alphonse sat up, shoving his brother aside and rubbing his stomach. Edward rubbed his forehead, which had hit the tile floor rather hard, as he glanced around. "Where the hell are we?" he mumbled, stumbling to his feet and to the table in the middle of the room.
"How would I know?" Al tried a couple of the numerous doors around the room, though none sprung up.
"Try this." A golden key- one that looked rather old- was passed between their hands. The young Elric tried to open all of them with it, but to no avail. "Check this out! Who would make a door so tiny as this?" he asked, poking a door no bigger than his hand.
"Who knows? But how are we supposed to get out?" At the question, Edward frowned and stood up, looking around again. Spotting a bottle on the table, he walked over and looked at it curiously, turning it over in his hands. A tag caught his eye and he flipped it over, frowning when he spotted the words Drink Me written in black ink.
"How curious." he mumbled, uncorking it and taking a swig.
"Brother! Why did you do that? Don't you thin… it could be… dangerous?" Alphonse watched incredulously as his brother began to shrink. The elder alchemist squeaked and held the suddenly too-small dress against his chest so he wouldn't be completely naked, for his underwear had already slipped off. He made a face, looking up at his brother.
"This is not cool, man. Today's turning out real shitty."
Unbeknownst to them, they were being watched through the keyhole on the smallest door by two curious little creatures. "That can't be them!" one growled, eyes narrowing.
"It surely is! If you doubt it so, then why don't you leave the safety of our home and go find them for yourself!" the other snapped, shoving its companion.
"You know very well it's anything but safe here." the first replied bitterly, shaking its head. "How can they be the descendants of Alice?"
"Though I'm sure it's them, even I don't know the answer to that. It's rather hard to believe, I must admit." The second creature frowned, looking through the keyhole once more.
"Let's just hope you're right."
On the other side of the door, Edward nudged his brother's shin with his free hand. "Hey! Hand me that key! And… turn away. I gotta get some clothes on."
"Right." Al replied, smirking. He handed the key down to his brother and faced the opposite wall. There was a flash of blue light and, at the sound of a grunt, he turned back around. "Aw, you look adorable, Edward."
"Shut the hell up! I'll kill you!" Unfortunately, Edward had been unable to produce pants and a shirt from the dress, so he was stuck with a smaller version of the dress he'd been wearing earlier. That made for a very unhappy Edward Elric. Not having much of a choice, though, he went along with it, bare feet hitting the floor hard as he stomped over to the small door and slipping the key into the keyhole. It fit, and the door swung open moments later. "Yeah! Take a drink from that bottle, Al! And while you're at it, look in that box right there." The door tried to swing closed when he let it go, so he was stuck holding it open while his brother shrunk and transmuted clothes, then opened the box.
"It's… cake? Says Eat Me."
"I'd love to, Al, but we don't have the time." Edward joked, grinning. "Put it in yo-"
"Says the one in the dress."
"Shut up! Put it in your pocket and hurry the hell up!" Edward growled, waving his hand out the door.
"Alright, alright. Pushy!" Alphonse put the cake in his pocket and hurried out the door, followed closely by his brother. "Woah. What the hell is this?" he asked quietly to no one in particular, looking around and trying to take everything in. Edward's mouth was wide open, his eyes large as saucers as his head whipped around.
"Okay. I'm going back." he announced, holding the dress down as he turned and walked back to the door.
"And how do you think you're going to get back?"
"No clue, bu- The door won't open." Ed groaned, jiggling the doorknob. He groaned, turning back around and casting his gaze about. "I guess the only option is to go forward. Let's go." Their hands clasped and the elder led the way farther in, careful not to step on anything that would get tear the skin on his flesh foot.
"Where exactly are we going, Brother? How do you know we won't get hurt or lost or die or something?" Alphonse pulled on his brother's hand to bring them both to a stop.
"I don't. But we don't have a choice." Edward let go of his brother's hands and kept walking, not bothering to look back and see if his brother was following. Up above was rather foggy- no, smoky, they soon found out when they got close enough to start choking on it. The smoke cleared the further in it they got, revealing a blue caterpillar smoking a hookah. "I think I've gone insane. Do you see the smoking caterpillar?" he whispered, leaning closer to his brother. Alphonse blinked a few times and nodded, mouth slightly open. "Good. So we're both going insane."
"You. Why are you in a dress?" the caterpillar asked, pointing the pipe at Edward.
"Why are you fucking smoking?" Ed shot back angrily, turning back around so he could leave. He was met with a white rabbit in a waistcoat, two rather round twins, and a small mouse with a gun on its hip. "Nope. I've not gone insane. I'm hallucinating. When I fell, I hit my head, and now I'm hallucinating. It makes perfect sense!"
"You keep thinking that, boy. I told you it wasn't them." the mouse said, glaring at the rabbit in the waistcoat.
"It most certainly is! I say, they are the ones we've been looking for. Isn't that right, Pinako?" the white rabbit asked, looking at the caterpillar sitting on a leaf. It had started smoking from the hookah again, and blew smoke in Alphonse's face.
"Are you, boys? Descendants of Alice, Alphonse and Edward?"
"Well, uh, yeah, but you must have something wrong. Where are we?"
"They're not quite them."
"What the hell do you mean by that, stupid caterpillar? For all I know, you've got marijuana in there and are high as a fucking kite!"
"What are we supposed to be here for, then? Ow!" The mouse had jabbed the nose of her gun into Alphonse's leg, causing the young Elric to jump. "Fine! We'll just find our own way out!"
"Suit yourself." The smoke obscured the caterpillar again, sending Ed and Al into a coughing fit again. The older brother clenched his fists, stomping his foot. "Dammit! This is so fucking annoying!" He stomped off, followed closely by his brother.
"What do you two think you're doing? Get back here and fight!" A bullet barely missed Edward's bare flesh foot, making him jump out of his skin.
"What the hell was that for?" Strange sounds came from behind them, and all of them turned to look. Soldiers, most looking like cards, were marching down the path in their direction, a strange beast leading the way. Edward and Alphonse stared for a moment.
"Run!" The animals and two twins scattered, and the Elric brothers were quick to follow suit. All of the soldiers picked up the pace, which only made their hearts beat even faster than they normally would when running. A striped, Cheshire cat appeared out of nowhere, and they barreled through him on accident. It was saying something in riddles, but they didn't stop to hear, though something about a mad hatter reached their ears.
Finally, the two tumbled into a wood path, falling over each other. "What. The. Fuck?" Ed panted, golden bangs sticking to his forehead. Running in a dress had not been easy; he didn't see how girls did it. At least he'd lost the heels in the strange room with so many doors.
"I have no clue, but we need to get out of here."
"Ya think? Come on." Edward grumbled, grabbing his brother's arm and pulling him along. They were both still panting, and their lungs felt as if they were on fire. But their options were rather limited, especially when they were fairly sure there was some strange, dangerous creature trying to sniff them out, and soldiers following it closely so they could get at the both of them. "What're we gonna do?" he moaned, not expecting an answer as he looked up at the moon filtering through the branches. It looked as if it were grinning, which really creeped him out.
**~;~;~;~;~;~;~;**
"What do you mean two outsiders got into Underland?" the blond queen screeched, blue eyes flashing as she jumped up from her throne. The card soldier who'd delivered the news flinched; the Iron Queen was terribly frightening, even at her best.
"S-some of our soldiers found them in the woods. Two blond boys, my queen, from above." the nervous soldier choked out, staring straight at her so as not to anger her. Of course, the Iron Queen could be so unpredictable. One day, she'd want you making eye contact with her. The next, she'd scream at you for it.
"Off with his head!" the blue-eyed queen yelled, crown almost toppling off of her head. The soldier choked as two others grabbed his arms, began begging the queen as he was drug away. Outside the doors to the throne room, the other cards let him go and told him to steer clear of the Iron Queen for a while; in a few hours' time, she'd have forgotten she'd ordered him decapitated. "I want them found, do you hear me? Found and their heads chopped off! What if they're the true descendants of Alice! I'd be ruined! Ruined, I say! Bring me their heads! NOW!" The queen plopped down on her thrown again with a huff. "And bring me some delicious tongues, as well. I'm famished!" There was almost immediately a platter of tongues held in front of her, but she made a face. "Not fast enough. Guards, off with his head!" A card soldier picked up the frog- it was wearing a coat, how curious- that had served the tongues and carried him out.
"My queen, the Bandersnatch is ready to be taken out to search for the two boys." a brave card soldier said, saluting.
"Good. Find them as quickly as possible. I want this over and done with. Worrying will give me wrinkles." the blond queen sniffed, placing a tongue in her mouth delicately. The card soldier fought off a disgusted noise before saluting again and marching off. "This shouldn't be happening." the Iron Queen hissed to herself, throwing another tongue at a wall. It hit with a sickening Splat! and slithered down the wall, leaving a sticky, purple trail behind it. "Guards!" she screeched, standing up and sweeping out of the room.
"My queen!" the soldiers left in the room chorused, hurrying to follow her out into the gardens for a game of 'crochet.'
**~;~;~;~;~;~;~;**
"I think we should have gone the other way." Edward hissed, ducking under a tree branch.
"What other way? There's been dozens of 'other ways,' and they all look the same!" Alphonse ducked under the same branch, using one hand to push it out of his way a bit.
"Well, uh, one of the- OW! FUCK!" The elder Elric grabbed his flesh foot, hopping around on the automail leg.
"Ed, what happened? Stop hopping around, dammit!"
"I stepped on something! Son of a bitch, it huuuurts. Get it out!" Edward howled, narrowly avoiding falling into a tree.
"Well sit down and let me see! Quit jumping around like an idiot!" A hand against his shoulder shoved him back against the tree he'd almost fallen into. His leg was lifted up, and Al examined the bottom of his flesh foot.
"There's nothing in your foot. You probably just stepped on a rock. You stomping around like that, it probably hurt more than it would have if you'd walked like a normal person." the younger Elric scolded, slapping his brother on the shoulder before dropping the foot and straightening again. Edward glared at him, contemplating whether it was worth using the energy to hit him back. In the end, he decided it wasn't and that sulking was a better way to use his energy. "So, where the hell are we, exactly?" He glanced around, gnawing his bottom lip.
"In the woods." Edward muttered sarcastically, rubbing the bottom of his foot. His lower lip jutted out slightly, the only outward sign he gave that he was actually pouting.
"Nah shit, Sherlock. Should've known you'd crack some smartass comment. Well then, let's get moving again." Alphonse grabbed the other's upper arm, pulling him away from the tree and down the dirt path.
"We don't even know if we're going in the right direction."
"The right direction for what?"
"Well, uh… Shut up!" Giggling to his right caught his attention and he glanced over. All he saw was a patch of flowers. Shrugging, he turned back to his brother, opened his mouth, and- more giggling from the same direction. Scowling, he looked that way again, searching above and around the flowers. Nothing. And then one of the flowers blinked at him and giggled again. "What. The. Hell?"
"You two are funny." one said, giggling again.
"And cuuuute." The was the red one.
"I bet you're strong, too." the white one chimed in.
"Ooooo! Are you?" the all chorused, leaning closer. Edward leaned away, pushing Alphonse back.
"This is not happening." Ed moaned, looking up at the sky.
"I say we make a run for it." Al suggested, grabbing his brother's arm and taking off. The older Elric yelped, stumbling over his own feet before regaining his balance and running alongside the other.
"So… Uh… Are we heading in the right direction?"
"I thought we'd been through this, Ed. There is no right direction."
"Well… What if we end up falling off a cliff?"
"What if we starve to death?"
"Falling off a cliff would be-" Edward broke off as the woods opened up. There was a long table- no, it was actually a few tables, both rectangular and round, set end to end. Many chairs lined the sides, with plates and cups, food and tea, set out for guests that weren't there. Well, there were a few guests there. A raggedy-looking hare, the gun-toting mouse from earlier, and a man at the head of the table, eyes hidden by a tall hat.
"You're late for tea." The sentence, spoken low, came from the one wearing the hat. Edward blinked a few times. Then he continued to stare at the strange man, wondering about him and the statement both.
Woohoo! You have no idea how excited I've been for this story! And I don't really know why, but, meh. I wasn't planning on putting this up until at least one of my other stories was finished, but I couldn't wait to put it up, so I went ahead and uploaded it! =D Of course, that means it might not be updated as much as the other stories until one or two of them are completed. -shrugs- Can't be helped.
Edward: Still can't believe you did that.
Roy: You still should be able to. -adjusts hat-
Me: You two look so keyuuuuuut! Eddo in you dress, and Roy with your hat! -gushes, then falls over in fangirl happy attack-
Edward: Uh... Guess we'll have to say goodbye and stuff.
Roy: If you want an update, you have to review. So review, dammit!
Edward: As Madarao would say, "Ciao!"
hugs&kisses~ Madarao