Smile
By saicho18
November 4, 2002
Do you know the feeling of wanting to just break down crying but can't?
I feel like that all the time.
Sound crazy? Yes, I guess it does, doesn't it?
Well, I can't do anything about it, since I can never give myself the satisfaction of crying. I just can't.
No, I cannot do that since many look up to me. Egotistic, I know, but I actually feel that it the truth. There are those I know of that admire me for keeping my feelings in check. I always had this lucky (or unlucky, you be the judge) capability to hide my feelings and mask them with a smile.
How land has it been since I last cried? I actually lost track when exactly. It is a pleasure enjoyed by many, most, actually human beings in this world. But it is something that I do not enjoy often. Ironic, I know; thinking that the act many branded as sad enjoyable.
But it is enjoyable. Liberating, even. If you cry, all the anger inside you just . . . vanishes. You actually feel good after crying.
Many if not all of you out there would be disagreeing with me right now when I say that I see crying as a weakness in life. But if you live the way that I do, the pain, the hurt, the pressure that your own family put on your shoulders . . . everything actually. It may be my pride that keeps me from crying, because all of the way I was brought up or something. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood.
Well, whatever the cause of this tear depravation is, I just do the exact opposite of what I am craving for. You know, to not make the people around me worry. And so I smile.
Some may say that this is cowardliness. I can't say I disagree. I am a coward that runs away from problems. A coward that is too afraid to face them. A coward that can't even face real human emotions. A coward that doesn't deserve to be a part of the human race.
But right now, this coward has to go up, to get out of bed and smile.
Fin
Author's Notes
Sorry if this is a bit (?) weird. I was bored and tired of hearing our computer teacher drone on and on about how much of a brat our class was so this was created.
I don't actually know who the character in this fic is. It was meant to be Fuuko, but when I finished, I'm not that sure anymore because I doubt that she is this deep and pride-y. You just judge, ok?