Title: Job Opportunities
Rating: T
Pairings, if any: hinted AxelRoxas; blink and you miss it. It's like…barely even there.
Summary: When he died, he really kind of expected that the afterlife would have at least left him with his clothes on.
Word Count: 1092
Warnings: Crack, omfg.
post KH2
A/N I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I ALREADY KNOW IT. SHH.

--

Dying, Axel expected, would probably be a lot like Roxas beating him with those Keyblades of his, coupled with Larxene frying him like she tended to do when he pissed her off in a spectacular way. He'd thought about it multiple times in his non-life but he had to admit that lying there on the ground staring up at the wide blue eyes…dying was kind of boring. Yeah, Sora was safe to run around and spread happiness, cheer and help all the cute little animals and people, but even in death he kind of expected something interesting to happen instead of just fading away. Honestly, it was kind of anti-climatic. When he finally died, he closed his eyes and waited to see what came after a Nobody faded.

--

"Are you shitting me?" Axel demanded though no one was there to hear him. He was standing in a room with a set of plush chairs, shelves of books and the walls were painted a cheery, pastel green and it was really, really cold. Axel fought the urge to see if he could light things on fire and simply threw himself down in one of the chairs, mildly irritated that it was so comfortable. And so, he waited.

…

"It's been an hour!" he yelled, juggling a fireball and trying to keep from torching the chair across the room. There was no way that he was going to spend the rest of his (death? Double non-life?) sitting here in this room.

…

The walls kind of smelled really bad when he burned them, but it was vaguely amusing to burn patterns onto the walls and screw it; he flicked his wrist at the chair and torched it with a razor-sharp smile on his face.

That made him feel a little better until he heard the floor under him creak ominously and then-

"Damnit."

The floor fell out from under him and he was falling into darkness again.

--

Axel hit the ground hard with a loud thud and a muffled curse as the air was knocked out of him. The ground under him hummed with heat and finally something that was familiar. Groaning, he pushed himself up and then paused when he noticed that he was naked, of all things. Great.

"I have dibs on this one, kiddo."

His head jerked up and he caught sight of a tall, broad-shouldered figure sitting on a large round rock with blue flames for hair and not more than a few feet away there was a slender, blonde girl with her hair done up in a mass of curls and there was a bright pink dress on her, coupled with white sandals. "Uh, I'm kind of naked here."

The blonde girl swung her legs back and forth and shook her head at the man's words. "No, Hades, I told you I called the next soul that came in. Surprise soul or not, he's mine."

"Hey, still naked."

"I had dibs on all of the Nobodies! I need minions here that are actually reliable! You've seen Pain and Panic; those dolts can't even walk in a straight line let alone do my dirty work." Hades crossed his arms and glared at the little girl who really didn't seem too worried by the way his blue-flame hair crackled irritably.

"As nice as chatting with you two is, clothing would be great."

The blonde girl turned her attention to him and he felt his eyes widen when he noticed the deep red color her own eyes were. "Manners would get you far," she said tartly, but with a wave of her hand he found himself clothed in what he normally wore under the black cloak. Simple black leather pants, boots, gloves and a long-sleeved shirt and he rolled his shoulders with a pleased noise. "I claim you."

"Sorry, kid, but you're a little too young for me," he drawled, glancing over when Hades laughed.

Smoothly, Hades stepped between the two, ignoring the dark look the little girl sent him- he'd take the chance in trying to recruit the Nobody. "I've got a proposal; you're special. I'm trying to get some…hired hands to do some of this work I've got to do before the end of the world, and all that jazz. All you gotta do is sign this little paper just like all the others have done and voila! You can wander around the world till your little not-heart is content and hey, who knows, maybe you'll run into your little blond bombshell, eh?"

"Not interested in signing your little contract," Axel said at the same time as the girl growled out a, "he's mine!"

She jumped off of the ledge she was sitting on and reached out to grab Axel's hand, her fingers ice-cold and burning a mark into the palm of his hand without melting the glove. "You get to go where all the bad little boys and girls go; you've been cursed to an eternity of agony. You can call me Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, whatever you like."

Instead of reacting how he was sure most of the other people had, he simply grinned, his eyes narrowed as he sized her up and ignored the white-hot burn of his palm. "Nice."

The ground dropped out from under him once more and he found himself falling through layers of earth and brimstone, the screams of the damned echoing around him until he hit the bottom, just in front of a throne made of bones and glowing red stones. The blonde girl was sitting there, perched on the throne with a smile on her lips that slowly faded as he got up and dusted himself off, looking around. "…You're not in eternal agony? Most people really are when they come here; it's the whole fire and brimstone thing."

"Nah, sorry to ruin your little party; fire's my element so I'm right at home here." Popping his back into place, he swaggered to the throne and leaned his hip against it, looking down at her with a dagger-sharp smile. "Don't suppose you're looking for some hired help 'round here? This looks like it's more interesting than the whole 'dying' thing and the whole constantly heated thing you have going on here works out nicely Plus, chaos."

The Devil shot him a vaguely irritated look but then it faded as she realized the possibilities. "No heart means no regrets. No conscience."

Axel laughed. "It means more fun for all. You interested?"

"Very much so."

--

snort