How Five Idiots Spent Their Summer Vacation

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

In the season five premiere of Thank You, Heavenly, the guys' attempt to have an old-fashioned camping trip ends up backfiring in ways they didn't think possible.

1. How Five Idiots Spent Summer Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 1

Airdate: August 28, 2016

"How Five Idiots Spent Their Summer Vacation" (Season Premiere)

#TYH501

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Exterior Backyard

Seattle, Washington

The camera focuses on a large cardboard box amongst other things, such as a garden hose, a stop sign, a lawn gnome, and a fort made entirely out of pillows. RK is revealed to be inside the box, holding a walkie talkie.

RK: Stargate. Captain's log, Sierra tango 088. It's been two weeks since I was separated from my troop and have been forced to seek refuge in this...box of some sort. I believe it's a box. I don't know. It's been a long time since I've wiped my face with civilization's proverbial napkin.

WADE: Hey! Are you going to come save me or what?

RK: Shut up, you're interrupting my monologue! Captain's log, Sierra tango 088. My friend has been captured by vicious rebels and now I've been forced to come get him. My hunger for the safe return of my friend drives me like the hunger for a sandwich with honey turkey and extra mayonnaise. Wait, no, they have to go easy on the mayonnaise. Too much of it, the taste gets in my mouth and then eventually, it becomes annoying as hell so it's best to avoid it.

SPARKY: What are you doing?

The camera pulls back to reveal Sparky and Buster in front of RK.

RK: We're playing extreme manhunt. Wade's been captured by the other side and I have to save him, now go away!

BUSTER: How do you even play extreme manhunt?

RK: I don't know. We just make up the rules as we go along.

SPARKY: What kind of game is that where you have no idea what you're doing?

WADE: It's a game that combines the thrill of competition and suspense with survival skills required for everyday life.

SPARKY: Why are you wearing a pie tin?

WADE: It's my helmet. I can't walk around in my captors' hideout without protection.

RK: You know what, Wade? Forget it, they took away my high.

SPARKY: Come on, guys, we go back to school in a month and this is how you want to spend the last couple of weeks?

RK: I don't see what the problem is. We're doing what the kids from the older generation would do. You know what kids did back in the day? Throw rocks at each other. Evolution, look it up.

BUSTER: You know, when my dad was my age, he went camping with his friends.

SPARKY: Mine too! They would catch fish, play tug of war, go swimming in the lake.

RK: Wow, that sounds like a Boy Scouts commercial, only without any abuse. Look, I don't know if you guys realize, but it's 2016. Nobody's going to wrestle with bears or trade lame-ass campfire stories in the Twitter age.

WADE: RK's right. What could camping do for us that extreme manhunt can't?

SPARKY: Help you experience the great outdoors? I mean, we haven't even had a summer vacation this year. It's a TSE tradition. And I think we can save our summer with an old-fashioned camping trip.

RK: Alright, alright, alright, get off your soapbox for a bit. Look, I agree we deserve a vacation, me especially. But if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. Tonight, let's go to your place and decide on our summer trip. Put it to a vote, why don't you? And if we still can't agree on anything, there will still be a five percent chance of us actually going camping.

SPARKY: Alright, fun boy. I accept your challenge.

BUSTER: That was a challenge?

SPARKY: I don't know, I just feel kinda awkward now. See you war heroes at my place tonight. And someone tell Jaylynn!

BUSTER: Yeah, we don't want a repeat of last time so someone tell her!

Sparky and Buster leave in a huff as RK and Wade watch them.

WADE: I have to say, I'm not exactly keen on the whole great outdoors premise.

RK: Relax, Sparky's in over his head. We're going to argue about where to go for twenty minutes and probably just head to the amusement park or some shit. Ha, camping. It just sounds like a joke. I spit on it. Ha, camping. The last thing I would ever think of doing for a frigging summer vacation. HA, CAMPING!

WADE: I get it.

RK: I wanted to make it clear.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is standing in front of a whiteboard with a map of America on it, and every major city is marked with a red dot. He takes in a huge breath.

SPARKY: This is it, guys. This is where we find out where we're going for our annual summer trip.

JAYLYNN: Are we really going camping?

RK: No, that's just Sparky's delusions getting the best of him. You know, the lack of sleep and whatnot.

SPARKY: Hardy har har. Anyway, since some people hate trying new things, I decided to make this into a vote. We just run down the list of places we think are good for a vacation. And if we still can't decide on anything, then it's camping, baby!

BUSTER: Can we go to New York City?

WADE: Haven't we been there like, ten million times?

RK: Yeah, that's not happening.

JAYLYNN: What about Disney World? We've never been there.

SPARKY: You want to go to Orlando?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Sparky gives the camera a brief nervous side glance.

SPARKY: We'll keep that in mind.

BUSTER: If Florida's where we're going, we need to vacation in Miami.

RK: Seriously, what's with you and Miami?

BUSTER: I like the city, is that so hard to understand?

RK: Kinda.

JAYLYNN: Why don't you suggest something, RK?

SPARKY: Yeah. You've been a little quiet.

RK: I just said something. But, um...I don't know, California?

Beat.

BUSTER: You know, I can't remember ever going there.

WADE: Yeah, way to think outside the box, RK.

RK: Thanks. We'll go to Los Angeles, reenact the Full House opening in San Francisco, catch a Padres game on the way to the retirement home, go to Malibu...

SPARKY: Wait, wait, wait, backtrack there. What retirement home?

RK: The Full House opening? We have to do the one from the last season because that was on-location. I like the other ones, but you can tell that shit is pure L.A.

SPARKY: No, you con man, the retirement home. Why would we go see a retirement home in San Diego?

RK: There's nothing wrong with catching up with your old friends.

BUSTER: We're going to San Diego so you can see Harold again?

RK: Hey, Harold's a great man. Besides, I promised him we would meet up one day. I still have the chain he gave me.

JAYLYNN: You know, it's funny. Usually, in these situations, the adult makes most of the moves.

RK: Oh, you're so clever for making that kind of joke, aren't you?

WADE: Alright, let's get the train back on the tracks here. How about a college tour? We could go see some of the most prestigious schools in the country. We can see it all from Harvard to Morehouse to NYU and back again.

BUSTER: I can't believe people still think Harvard is a great school.

JAYLYNN: I don't want to take a college tour! The whole point of this trip is so I don't have to think about school for just a bit longer.

RK: Yeah, Wade, I'm not a big fan of the idea. Hits close to home.

WADE: So does having to see an old friend who doesn't even call frequently.

RK: He's old, his brain has to adapt to the times, you insensitive jar of pickled eggs!

SPARKY: This is going to be a long night. I realize that now.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

THREE HOURS LATER...

SPARKY: Well, we went through 58 different cities and landmarks in this country, got close with 35 of them, but we still don't know where we're going for our summer trip.

BUSTER: Maybe we should, um...should, you know...just go camping.

RK: NO! I refuse to let that happen. Ryan Kennedy Jennings does not surrender. Somewhere out there lies the perfect place for us to go.

JAYLYNN: Like Pittsburgh?

RK: No, Jaylynn, that's not what I meant.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: The f*** did you mean then?

SPARKY: You know, I still think we should consider Nashville.

WADE: Why, because Cimorelli lives there now?

SPARKY: I HAVE TO CONFRONT MY DREAMS AT SOME POINT, WADE. But seriously, nobody can agree on anything?

RK: Come on, guys, come through for me. I'm not going to have my summer trip be some crappy outdoors cornball convention.

BUSTER: Ah, let's face it. We travel wherever the road takes us. Why plan?

SPARKY: Well, that settles it. Testicular Sound Express is going camping.

RK: Wonderful. Beautiful, I should have prepared a speech talking about how great this is. But I didn't because I don't give a shit about this trip and it's going to kill me from the inside out.

JAYLYNN: Is camping really going to be that hard for you?

RK: Please, I was born for outdoors adventure. But sitting around the campfire talking about your first kiss or singing shitty folk songs about froggy and his courtin' or not catching any fish or having to piss in a bear's bathroom isn't really my style.

BUSTER: RK, when was the last time you even went camping?

RK: I don't know. What year is this?

BUSTER: 2016.

RK: I think it was the last time the Rangers were in the World Series.

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

The kids are now loading their belongings into an RV.

BUSTER: Sparky, she's beautiful. Where did you buy her?

SPARKY: You think that I bought Halley?

BUSTER: No, man, the RV.

SPARKY: Oh. I was legit scratching my head there. Anyway, this baby is from the RV dealership two blocks away from the mini golf course. You know that place, right? The one with all the commercials?

BUSTER: Oh yeah. T.J.'s RV D-E-P-O-T. A great deal for you is more cash for me!

SPARKY: Yeah, I just fell in love with it the first time I saw it. I knew it was going to be perfect for our camping trip.

RK: Are you going to make out with it when none of us are looking?

SPARKY: Shut up, RK. There's nothing wrong with going camping. It's just one weekend.

RK: Oh, I beg to differ. For just one weekend, our manhood is going to be called into question. We're going to experience things that nobody can survive. Snakes all over the place, animals stealing food, constant rain, small tents filled with physical contact. We're going to die out there, just like Chris McCandless did when he went camping.

WADE: Chris McCandless never went camping.

RK: Well, if he did, he would die. Because he was an idiot, and I'm not. I'll see you guys in a couple days. Send me a postcard.

SPARKY: Oh no, bub. You're going camping and you're going to have fun. Besides, after that...incident at summer camp a while back, I want us to redeem ourselves.

RK: I thought we weren't supposed to talk about it.

SPARKY: That's why I called it an incident!

JAYLYNN: Hey guys, I forgot to tell you earlier, but Anja made us these cookies in honor of our trip.

RK: Gross. Nope.

JAYLYNN: Don't act like that, she baked them with love. Just try them.

BUSTER: Okay, sure.

WADE: I don't have any reservations.

SPARKY: Yeah, no shame in my game.

RK: No shame in mine either.

JAYLYNN: Alright, we'll all take the first bite at once. Starting now.

The gang takes their first bite simultaneously, and they all hate it instantly.

RK: God, what was that?

BUSTER: Was that a nut in my mouth or mint jelly?

SPARKY: Jaylynn, I don't think Anja's good at making cookies.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I was afraid of that. When we get to the campsite, I'll throw them away and let her know that you didn't hate them, but they're not for you.

SCENE 5

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

("Excursions" by A Tribe Called Quest playing in the background)

The kids leave the RV, get their necessary supplies, and walk slowly towards the campsite in a dramatic fashion. Sparky and Buster start working on putting up the first tent while RK and Jaylynn do work on the second tent. Wade does inventory and makes sure the kids have enough of everything, then goes into the woods and starts collecting various types of berries. He also gets help from RK with collecting firewood. Later on, the five are going fishing. Jaylynn seems to be stuck on a big one, and the others try pulling it with her. The fish ends up being enormous and all of them have to carry it back to the campsite. Later that night, the fish is grilling while Buster tells the kids a scary story, indicated by his movements and facial expressions. As it is almost time to go to sleep, the five start dancing inexplicably and point to the night sky. The sound of a record needle scratching is heard. The scene cuts to RK and Sparky talking near the RV at Sparky's place.

RK: Wait a minute. Why would there be music playing in the back of all that?

SPARKY: What music?

RK: The music! The song that was playing while you were describing all that to me!

SPARKY: Oh, that. I don't know, it just happens sometimes. See, if you don't point these things out, we don't have to worry about it.

SCENE 6

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

The kids arrive at the lake for real this time. They step out of the RV and take a look at their surroundings.

WADE: Wow, this place looks more intoxicating than I thought.

BUSTER: Yeah, and it's also beautiful to look at. Hey Jaylynn, haven't you been here before?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, that fishing trip Anja forced me to take with Lynne. And then I totally shut her down and she started having a weirdo crush on me.

RK: Is that what really happened?

JAYLYNN: She was a creep, let's leave it at that. Oh, yeah, I still have to throw out these cookies.

Jaylynn goes to look for a garbage can while Buster starts looking at Sparky holding a clipboard.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: Oh, I just wanted to know what you had planned today.

SPARKY: Oh yeah. Well, guys, you...where's Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Right here.

SPARKY: How did you come back so fast?

JAYLYNN: I just left the cookies with these birds and ran away.

SPARKY: Oh. Well, anyway, this is our chance to have the greatest camping trip of all-time. I already have the agenda right here on the clipboard of fun.

RK: You can't be serious. A freaking clipboard of fun?!

SPARKY: Yeah. I got the idea from that Full House episode where they all went to Hawaii.

RK: I know what the episode was! But why do you have to use it?

SPARKY: I just thought it would make things more lively. Anyway, we start off by setting up our tents and checking supplies. We can get some fishing done for the rest of the day, have some dinner, and sit around the campfire telling each other scary stories.

RK: Oh yeah? What kind of scary stories you got? Is one of them about a kid with shoelaces that always magically untied themselves?

SPARKY: Dude, if you don't cut this shit out, I'm taking you in the RV and slapping the bug juice out of your mouth.

RK gulps in fear.

SPARKY: Okay, let's get started!

SCENE 7

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

Wade is doing inventory while the others are setting up their tents.

WADE: Okay, peanuts, trail mix, other assorted items that just so happen to contain nuts. I think we're good on this end. Now what about the canned goods?

RK: Hey Jaylynn, do you know why this place is called Bear Lake?

JAYLYNN: No idea. Do you?

RK: Well, I hear that Bear Lake was named after the urban legend that a ferocious grizzly bear rises up from the lake once every summer and tries to kill visitors.

JAYLYNN: I don't believe that BS. Urban legends are so corny, only stupid people believe in those things.

BUSTER: Hey, that's not true. Bigfoot is apparently an urban legend but so many people have seen him.

JAYLYNN: Then how come he's never been caught or held in captivity?

BUSTER: Because, Jaylynn...reasons.

JAYLYNN: Reasons for what?

BUSTER: I DON'T KNOW, STOP PRESSURING ME!

SPARKY: Easy, Busts, it's okay.

BUSTER: I know, but...I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

RK: Hey, I have a question. Why did we bring two tents?

WADE: Yeah, I thought we were all sleeping together.

SPARKY: There's no way all five of us can sleep in one tent without annoying each other or trying to be cute at two in the morning so I just bought two. Buster and Jaylynn will sleep with me while you and Wade get the other tent.

RK: Alright, extra legroom! If there's one thing about this trip I'm looking forward to, it's being a troll. I'm going to be off my nuts in that tent, I swear.

WADE: You try interrupting my sleep, I'll see to it that you spend the night outside.

RK: I feel like I'm the only person in this group with a sense of humor. I mean, it's like...

RK spots a raccoon walking around the area.

BUSTER: What is it, RK?

RK: I thought I saw a raccoon.

JAYLYNN: Oh no, we are not about to have these little forest animals come in here and mess up the trip. No dice.

RK: Well, I hate those things anyway. I let it slide this time, but it won't get many more warnings.

WADE: Are you going to kill that raccoon?

RK: I'm not saying that I am, I'm just heavily implying that bad things will happen if that raccoon gets in our way and doesn't keep its nose clean. Wow, I sound like a psychopath right now, don't I?

SCENE 8

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

The kids are now fishing at the actual lake. They all look bored and tired.

BUSTER: How long have we been doing this? It feels like hours.

SPARKY: It's only been twenty minutes.

BUSTER: What? How does that make sense?

WADE: I believe it has to do with Einstein's theory of relativity. With the way that time moves, it feels like it's been much longer than it actually is based on your current activity.

BUSTER: Really?

WADE: Eh, that's the gist of it. For some reason, I never understood the theory completely.

JAYLYNN: Hey guys, you want to see my blowfish lips?

BUSTER: No.

RK: I'm not in the mood. I know I'm going to laugh, but I'm mad so I don't want to see it.

JAYLYNN: Too late.

Jaylynn starts puffing up her lips like a blowfish and the boys try not to look at it, but they do and they start laughing.

WADE: That's so cute.

BUSTER: HOW IS SHE DOING THAT?!

RK: Jaylynn, stop it, I hate you.

Sparky's laughter causes him to release the grip on his pole and it falls into the lake.

SPARKY: Oh no, I only have three more of those!

RK: Don't worry, Sparky. I'll save your pole!

A dramatic score plays in the background as RK tears off his shirt and dives into the water to get Sparky's pole back. The kids look on with amazement as RK swims further down into the lake to find the pole. He does, but out of nowhere, a crocodile starts gnawing on the other side of it. RK engages in a game of tug-of-war with the crocodile, quickly turning into a fistfight. The kids start chanting RK's name as he jabs the crocodile in the eye twice with the pole, and swims back safely to Sparky so he can return it.

RK: Here you go, citizen.

SPARKY: RK, we owe you a huge debt for your bravery and heroism.

RK: No need. Just remember that some things are best kept...above the surface.

RK starts laughing at his sentence and soon, the other kids do. The scene cuts back to real time where RK is the only one laughing, and everybody looks at him blankly except for Sparky who looks bored.

RK: What?

SPARKY: No, it's just that you got the pole for me and then you did this weird monologue for five minutes.

RK: Oh. The crocodile was in it, right?

At that point, it begins to rain.

BUSTER: I picked a good day to wear my cap that turns into an umbrella.

Buster presses a button on the back of his cap that turns it into an attachable umbrella.

BUSTER: Ah, progress.

WADE: Well, it looks like today's fishing attempt proved futile.

SPARKY: At least we still have the food we brought. Let's just go back to the campsite.

SCENE 9

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

At night, the kids head back to the campsite with their fishing supplies. RK looks to the side and sees the raccoon again.

RK: What's he planning? What's he thinking about?

BUSTER: RK, are you talking to yourself?

RK: No, I was just, um...thinking out loud.

BUSTER: Oh. I mean, there's no problem with talking to yourself. I do it all the time. This morning, I convinced myself to go with boxers instead of briefs, and they're working like a charm! I tell you, no one knows me better than me.

RK: Yeah. Wait, hang on a minute, you prefer boxers over briefs?!

SPARKY: You know, there's nothing better than a walk through the woods to make you feel alive. The smell of the outdoors, the beautiful night sky, the feeling that nobody's around.

JAYLYNN: It's going to be a shame when people destroy this place five years from now.

WADE: Amen.

SPARKY: Alright. Let's get some snacks and start up that fire.

The scene cuts to the kids sitting around the campfire eating.

SPARKY: Okay, so what's the first thing we do tonight?

RK: Play spin the bottle?

BUSTER: Ewww, I'm not doing that with you!

JAYLYNN: You're sick.

RK: No, actually, I have an idea that involves no kissing. We spin the bottle, it lands on somebody, and they have to pick truth or dare.

BUSTER: Whoa. That's pretty creative.

WADE: How is that creative? It's just truth or dare with a bottle.

RK: I had an idea, and we're going with my idea. It's a good thing this juice bottle is empty.

RK tries to set the bottle down somewhere so he can spin it, but he is unable to find a spot.

SPARKY: Um, RK?

RK: Yeah?

SPARKY: How exactly are we supposed to play spin the bottle when the campfire's right here?

Beat. RK tosses the bottle aside.

RK: F*** it, let's play truth or dare. Who's first?

BUSTER: I wanna be first! Come on, pick me, pick me, please pick me! PICK ME, DAMN YOU!

RK: Okay...Buster, you're up first.

BUSTER: Are you kidding me? I was the only one here with my hand raised! Ah, I've been getting shafted my whole life.

RK: I just picked you to go first, you waterhead.

BUSTER: Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Okay, I pick truth.

SPARKY: Alright, I got something. Buster, if there was anything you could take back from the past, what would it be?

BUSTER: Well, I guess there's...one thing.

JAYLYNN: Okay, what is it?

BUSTER: It was a long time ago at this diner when I first did it. I didn't mean to, but I screwed up hard and I can never go back there. There was this order that this guy had, and this order that I had. It was a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich with the crust cut off. But the problem was, the orders got switched. I ended up getting the other guy's food by mistake. It was a submarine sandwich with ham, bacon, cheese, honey mustard, romaine lettuce, all the good stuff. I knew this wasn't mine, but it looked so good and I couldn't help myself. SO I ATE IT!

Beat.

BUSTER: I ATE THE WHOLE SANDWICH! I DIDN'T WANT TO, BUT I DID! I MADE SURE HE COULDN'T GET HIS HANDS ON IT! I RUINED THAT POOR MAN'S LIFE! Now I can't go back there, but my appetite caused me to commit a sin. I was weak, and it nearly cost me everything. I think about that sandwich every day, and I will never...ever...be able to take it back.

Buster leaves the campfire and starts crying as he goes into his tent. The kids just look bewildered for a few seconds.

RK: That was the worst f***ing story I ever heard.

SCENE 10

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

The kids are now in their respective tents. Buster starts lightly tapping Sparky.

BUSTER: Sparky? Sparky?

SPARKY: Buster, it's late. I was at that point where I was conscious, but I was finally slipping away.

BUSTER: I was just thinking about a couple things.

SPARKY: If you're wondering about the sandwich story, no, we don't judge you for it.

BUSTER: It's not that. But thank you for the confirmation. I just feel like this trip isn't going to be as cool as we think it will be.

SPARKY: Well, it's only the first night. Just because things didn't work out today, doesn't mean it's going to be a crappy trip.

BUSTER: I guess, but what if...

JAYLYNN: Hey guys, listen. I love you, but if you don't shut up and go to bed, I'm going to smother you with my pillow.

BUSTER: How can you smother us with it if you're sleeping on it? Oh no, are you some kind of sorcerer?!

Sparky gives Buster a bored look. The scene cuts to RK and Wade in their tent.

RK: No. No. No, stop it. Get away from me. No, please leave me alone. I DON'T WANT TO SIGN YOUR PETITION! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE RAINFOREST, JUST GO AWAY! NOOOOOOOOO!

WADE: RK, RK, calm down, man.

RK: Wade, why are you no longer eight feet tall? And where are your magic clown shoes that glow in the dark when you click them?

WADE: One day, I really want to travel inside your brain just to see what's in there.

Wade crawls towards the tent opening when he hears something.

RK: Dude, don't scare me like that. What are you doing?

WADE: I think I hear something.

RK: You hear something? Is it a wild animal? That's it, we're dead. I never even got the chance to open my own business or tell my future wife that I hate her friends.

WADE: Quit being melodramatic, it's probably nothing. Maybe my imagination is just running away with me.

RK: I hope so. But lucky for you, I don't trust easily.

RK pulls a gun out from under his pillow.

RK: It's probably that damn raccoon trying to score a midnight snack. I'm going to blow his head off and dance on the remains.

WADE: When did you have time to pack a firearm?

RK: When I was packing, duh. Man, I thought you were a genius.

RK runs out of the tent and fires his gun.

RK: COME OUT, COONY, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!

RK looks around and does not see the raccoon at all.

RK: What the?

WADE: What is it?

RK: There's nothing out here. Are you sure you heard something?

WADE: Positive. Maybe it was nothing, but it sounded close.

RK: That raccoon probably had his fill and hightailed it before anybody could see him.

Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn leave their tent to check out the commotion.

JAYLYNN: What the hell are you two doing?

SPARKY: Yeah, I heard bullets.

RK: A bullet, Sparky. We're using singular terms in this situation, not plural.

BUSTER: Whatever's going on here, we just wanted to make sure you were okay.

WADE: Affirmative. Nothing too madcap or bizarre out here.

RK: Yeah, it's just a kid holding a loaded gun. Relax.

Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn look at RK and Wade blankly.

SPARKY: Okay, cool. Now go back to sleep.

The trio goes back inside their tent.

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. How come none of you guys told me RK owned a gun?

RK: Wade, we have to find that raccoon and kill it. My sixth sense is tingling.

WADE: Dude, we don't even know if there is a raccoon around here. And honestly, I'm not too pleased with the concept of you murdering an innocent creature.

RK: Wade, get off your kumbaya soapbox for one second. This raccoon is evil. It is a monstrosity brought here to terrorize us and ruin this geek convention we call a camping trip. If it doesn't watch its step, I'm going to blast it on sight.

WADE: And you really feel that way?

RK: Yeah. That...that's why I just said what I said.

WADE: You have the tendency to exaggerate, RK.

RK: Well, tonight's not the night. My mind has to be fully focused on catching that coon. It's too bad because I had the perfect action hero line set up.

WADE: What was it?

RK: I'm sorry, Judas, but you've just had your Last Supper.

WADE: Really?

RK: Don't stifle my creativity!

SCENE 11

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, Sparky is the first to wake up. He opens up the tent and takes a breath, then he looks at the snack table and screams.

SPARKY: OH, THE HUMANITY!

At that point, the other kids run out of the tents.

JAYLYNN: What's going on?

BUSTER: If you swallowed poison ivy by accident, the best thing to do is to quarantine yourself. I watched a special on it.

JAYLYNN: Are you sure it was a special?

BUSTER: I dunno.

SPARKY: Guys, do you not see this?! Someone went through the food last night!

RK: Yeah, I guess it could have been someone. Or something. Like a raccoon for instance.

SPARKY: Enough with the raccoon already! There's no raccoon out there.

RK: Oh yeah? Well, how did the food get ruined?

Beat.

SPARKY: Well, you see, when the, um...things get destroyed, it's often...shut up. Look, I don't know how the food got ruined but we can't jump to conclusions here.

WADE: It looks like we're going to have to step up the fishing.

SPARKY: Exactly. Today's forecast looks pretty good. Maybe I'll use American cheese for bait. I used cheddar yesterday, but I guess the fish thought it was too fancy.

Sparky takes a roll of toilet paper and goes into the woods while Buster talks to Jaylynn.

RK: How about them apples, Wade? A shortage of food because of some dumb animal.

WADE: Well, there is some reasonable evidence to suggest it. What are our options?

RK: I say we cover every single corner of this area. Leave not one tree untouched, and search night and day until we find that raccoon so we can stomp its guts out.

WADE: You're a bloodthirsty sociopath. But I agree. That raccoon has to be stopped. If we trap it and end its lifespan, we become instant heroes.

RK: Ah, instant heroes. Come on, let's get a move on now. I want to bask in the glory for as long as possible until I realize that I killed something and become depressed.

SCENE 12

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

The kids are once again fishing. Buster is shown wearing a cowboy hat.

SPARKY: Buster, is there a reason why you're wearing that?

BUSTER: I want the hat to give me motivation.

RK: Dude, this is so lame. We need to blow this popsicle stand and go get that raccoon.

JAYLYNN: RK, you're talking to me.

RK: Oh shit. I forgot. Anyway, Wade, we need to blow this popsicle stand and go get that raccoon.

WADE: I concur, but how will we be able to leave without the guys becoming suspicious?

RK: Don't worry. I'm the master of cover-ups. All I have to do is come up with something elegant and simple. Hey Sparky, Wade and I are going to play extreme manhunt.

SPARKY: Playing? You're going to play your little survival game while we're trying to fish?

RK: You're one stone cold S.O.B., aren't you? We came here to experience the great outdoors, we want to take advantage of this place by playing a serious version of extreme manhunt, and you deny us that right? How do you live with yourself? How do you sleep at night knowing that we're trying to see things on your level? How do you...

SPARKY: I get it. Alright, go play your game, we'll hold it down here.

RK: Thank you Sparky. You know, you were always my favorite.

JAYLYNN: He gave you permission, don't push your luck.

RK: Shut up, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I'll shove this pole down your throat!

RK: Show and prove, buddy.

WADE: Can we go now?

RK: I'm coming, honey!

RK and Wade go into the woods while the others continue fishing.

JAYLYNN: Hey, I want to float an idea by you guys. Should I dye my hair pink?

BUSTER: Please don't.

The scene cuts to RK and Wade trying to find the raccoon. RK's gun is in a Ziploc bag.

RK: Okay, so Wade, talk to me. What's the skinny on raccoons?

WADE: Well, most of them live in forests similar to these. Hunting is one of the primary causes of death, and when held in captivity, they can survive for about twenty years.

RK: I already feel like I know too much. Alright, here's the deal. Whatever raccoons we see, we kill them. We have no idea which one ruined the food so everybody's a suspect.

WADE: That seems kinda immoral. And why in God's name do you have your gun in a plastic bag?

RK: Haven't you ever seen 8 Mile? I can't put a gun in my pocket and send myself to the hospital. That's just irresponsible, Wade. Besides, when I see those foul, disgusting, racially confused beasts, I have to make sure I'm ready to pull out the strap.

RK and Wade end up being surrounded by several raccoons at a time.

WADE: Well, RK, go for it. Get what you came for.

RK: Nope, this isn't going to work for some reason.

WADE: What are you talking about? I thought you wanted to waste every last raccoon you see.

RK: I did, but I just realized how unsatisfying it's going to feel. What if I never kill the one that went after the food? It will be a waste.

WADE: So what's your next move?

RK: Well, Sparky probably wants evidence that the raccoon did it so all we have to do is just spend the night waiting for it to strike. And when we see it, we put it in hell where it belongs.

WADE: I need my sleep, we're not doing that. I have a more constructive method.

SCENE 13

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

That night, Wade puts a surveillance camera atop a large tree. He then slowly climbs down and jumps off.

WADE: Well, that should do it.

RK: Do what? How are we supposed to catch the raccoon now?

WADE: I already told you why I was up there. Were you not listening to anything I said?

RK: I'm going to be honest, I kinda zoned out thinking about Buster's story last night. Seriously, why didn't the waiter find out about the orders being switched?

WADE: Meanwhile, in the real world, I'm explaining to you, again, why I was up there. I installed two tiny surveillance cameras on top of these trees. If a real raccoon comes through here and goes after our food, we'll have the whole thing on tape.

RK: And then we show Sparky what the raccoon did, and he'll know we didn't lie!

WADE: Yeah, and then we...wait, are we leaving after we tell Sparky?

RK: I don't know, let's just see where it takes us. Besides, this trip isn't too bad.

SPARKY: Guys, you need to come for the sing-along! We're going to do the campfire song from SpongeBob on the banjo!

Beat.

RK: Dude, we need to get the f*** out of here as soon as possible.

SCENE 14

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are now inside their tent. RK is still awake while Wade is close to being asleep.

RK: Wade?

WADE: Yeah?

RK: Do you think it's possible to know when you're going to die?

WADE: Of course. Sometimes, you just know because of your...your, um...circumstances.

RK: I wish I knew when I was going to die. That way, I could be the sickest man alive until it's my time to go.

WADE: Are you trying to make small talk because you can't sleep?

RK: A little bit. I just wanna be myself, you know?

RK hears rustling outside.

RK: What was that?

WADE: The thoughts of a paranoid man taking over his psyche?

RK: Cute. But seriously, I just heard something. I bet that raccoon's out there!

WADE: If he is, the surveillance cameras will pick him up. Just relax and go to sleep.

RK: We don't know that for sure. The raccoon will probably just snatch the camera away. I'm going to go out there and make sure I kill the bastard! You with me, Wade?

Wade is already asleep.

RK: Wade?!

Wade continues to be unresponsive.

RK: That's just rich. That's just f***ing rich. That bushy-tailed, rabies-infested hack is going to get exactly what he deserves.

RK leaves the tent with the gun in his hand.

RK: That slimy little monkey. That crafty, sneaky idiot playing superhero. That dumb, vile, piece of...of...eh, I have nothing.

RK sits outside and looks around for the raccoon.

RK: Of course, he's not around. Not so funny when a gun's involved, is it, coony? I'm going to sit out here, wait for the raccoon and blast its head off the minute I see it. No sleep tonight.

SCENE 15

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

4:32 AM

("Call of da Wild" by OutKast featuring Goodie Mob playing in the background)

RK looks considerably tired, with red eyes and messed up hair, but he refuses to sleep.

RK: He's watching me. I know he's out there, watching my every move. He's looking at me, not wanting to make the wrong decision. He won't get the last laugh. Maybe he's in my head. IS THE RACCOON IN MY HEAD?! Wait, no, that's stupid. Come out to play, baby boy. The grim reaper's here to collect your soul.

The raccoon comes near the supplies again. RK rubs his eyes to make sure he sees it.

RK: THAT SON OF A BITCH! I'M NOT CRAZY!

RK runs towards the raccoon with his gun.

RK: REACH FOR THE SKY, YOU BIRACIAL PIECE OF SHIT!

Instead of running away, the raccoon simply looks at RK.

RK: Oh, are you mocking me now? You think I don't have the balls to shoot you? Is that what you really think? You know, coony, I understand your kind. The kind that sits around counting the days ready to die. I then ask myself, why put yourself in that kind of dangerous situation? That's when I answer my own question. You just want someone to put you out of your misery. And I'm that guy. I'm the most dangerous person you have ever seen with a gun in their hand, and if you think you're getting away easy, you have another thing coming.

RACCOON: Look, you can't do it. Just give up.

RK: Oh my God. YOU CAN TALK?!

RACCOON: Ya damn right I can talk. Look, RK, I know what you're trying to do but let's face it. You don't have the guts to kill me.

RK: What makes you think that? The gun's pointed right at your head!

RACCOON: You just want to be a big man for your friends. Let me keep it a stack with you. I want to die. I've been looking around for a good spot so someone could just shoot me and get it over with. But you're pathetic. You say you're going to kill me, but you don't have it in you to go through with it. You're just a crazy little boy losing his mind in the woods. Ha, you couldn't even kill an ant with your foot.

RK: I WILL KILL YOU! I WILL BLOW YOUR STUPID RACCOON BRAINS OUT RIGHT NOW!

RACCOON: Then do it. Why wait? Skip the theatrics, come on, be a hero.

RK: Don't f*** with me. I have the gun right here.

RACCOON: DO ME A FAVOR AND KILL ME!

RK: Don't f*** with me, you know what I'm capable of.

RACCOON: STOP BEING A PUNK AND KILL ME!

RK: I will.

RACCOON: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! PULL THE DAMN TRIGGER ALREADY!

RK: I KEEP TELLING YOU OVER AND OVER, DON'T F*** WITH ME!

At that point, all of the kids leave the tents.

SPARKY: RK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

RK: I got the raccoon, Sparky. I got him. I'm not crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY!

BUSTER: Then aren't you going to kill him?

RK: Yes, I will.

RK shakes as he tries and fails to pull the trigger.

JAYLYNN: I don't get it, what's...w-w-what is...where is any of this going?

RK: I CAN'T DO IT! I'M SHOWING MERCY, OKAY?! I CAN'T KILL THIS RACCOON!

SPARKY: RK, I don't care that for some unknown reason, you can't kill this raccoon. I just care that you're okay, man. You look like you're about to foam at the mouth.

RK: It's this thing here! This raccoon has been a pain in my ass since day one, and the last chance I get to take it down, I can't do it. The woods has changed me. It's made me a different person. My killer's instinct is gone. I look at these creatures and think...

JAYLYNN: Alright, stop, stop, I've heard enough. Are you really this hung up over killing a raccoon? Animals die all the time. Allow me to demonstrate.

Jaylynn simply walks up to the raccoon and snaps its neck, killing it immediately.

RK: Would it have killed you to have an action hero line set up?

SPARKY: Jaylynn, where did you learn how to do that?

JAYLYNN: Oh, I just watched this random YouTube video one day. I was going to comment on how sick it was, but for some reason, the comment section was filled with people arguing about abortion.

BUSTER: I don't get it. Why didn't the raccoon go after Jaylynn?

WADE: I think it was close to dying. It was moving slow, it didn't seem to respond to much...

RK: IT WAS TALKING!

WADE: Yeah. Jaylynn, I think that raccoon was sick.

JAYLYNN: I don't care. What's done is done.

RK: Seriously, am I the only one who knew that that raccoon could talk?

SCENE 16

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The kids are watching TV as usual.

VOICEOVER: We now return to Family Matters.

STEVE: Hidey ho, Winslows! So Laura, my pet, care to skip the light fandango at the dance club tonight?

LAURA: No, Steve. When will you learn that I don't want you? I treat you like shit every episode and you still come back for more like you hit the reset button. Are you really that pathetic?

STEVE: Kinda.

RK: You know, I'm glad they got married. They deserved each other. Well, that was some kind of camping trip.

SPARKY: That's my line.

RK: What?

SPARKY: You stole my line, that was supposed to be my line.

RK: Oh. Just skip ahead.

SPARKY: Fine. So RK, what was all that about in the woods? You almost lost your mind there.

RK: I did. I got so obsessed with killing that raccoon but for some reason, I couldn't get the job done. It drove me insane.

BUSTER: Why did we leave the lake early?

SPARKY: Because it sucked. I don't know, I guess camping's not for us.

BUSTER: Maybe so.

JAYLYNN: I think we'll be a lot happier if we stop going on crazy adventures and just enjoy our lives the way they are.

WADE: You're lying about that, aren't you?

JAYLYNN: Of course I am, we're us.

WADE: Just checking.

There is an awkward silence for a few seconds. RK looks up at the camera.

RK: What? The show's over, go away. Welcome back, America!

("1nce Again" by A Tribe Called Quest featuring Tammy Lucas playing in the end credits)

POST-CREDITS GAG

("Call of da Wild" plays again in the background)

RK pulls up in front of Burger King with his sunglasses on. He gets out of the car and slowly walks towards the entrance. Once he gets inside, he slowly takes off his sunglasses and stares down the cashier.

CASHIER: Sir, are you ready to order? You're scaring me.

RK: Oh yeah, I'll have a large Dr. Pepper shake and large fries. Go heavy on the Pepper.

CASHIER: Um, okay?

*in his head* RK: The killer instinct's back.

RK starts laughing maniacally, confusing the cashier and the other customers in line. Fade to black.

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

ROAD TO 100: 13 WEEKS AWAY