A Guide to Hogwarts
By the people who do not wish to be named
A set of four best friends, one in each house were so bored one day in the back of their History of Magic class, an idea was born. They were going to write down every single thing they could about Hogwarts in a leather bound journal that would announce new do's and don'ts every morning to the Greats Hall's breakfast.
So here begins the book by those who wish to remain unnamed.
First things first, this is not an educational guide like Hogwarts a History. If you want that Madam Prince will be glad to lend you a copy.
Buying Your Supplies
Rule 1- When going into Gringotts have your key easily accessible and bring a bag that will hold just enough gold.
Rule 2- With the exception of first years do avoid Mr. Ollivanders. He is a weird and a somewhat creepy wand maker.
Rule 3- Never pick up extra books, just the ones you need.(You'll thank us later)
Rule 4- The Leaky Cauldron does check your age. So don't try.
Rule 5- Stay away for Quality Quidditch Supplies
Rule 6- Gringotts doesn't not supply airsickness bags. BRING YOUR OWN!
Rule 7- The Apothecary Stinks. You have been warned!
Rule 8- Do not, at all costs, buy a toad. Reason? Just ask Neville Longbottom.
Rule 9- Weasley Wizarding Wheezes are forbidden so hide the merchandise carefully.
Rule 10- When buying a trunk, buy the largest size you can afford.
The four girls stood back and admired their work. The first ten rules and they hadn't even started about school yet. Hermione alone couldn't believe that four girls could be this bored in any class. If it hadn't been for Luna she would have never found her three best girlfriends, Fiona Glass (Huffelpuff), Lindsey Wagner (Ravenclaw), and Elizabeth (liz) McCloud (Slytherin). They were spending every History period working on it. Each had intimate knowledge of the other three houses' inner workings. It was almost scary how much they knew about Hogwarts. And another period of writing was on it's way…
The Hogwarts Express
Rule 11- NEVER, EVER sit in the first available compartment or the last compartment. It's always full no matter what… and the last compartment always has problems
Rule 12- The Lady with the Food Cart accepts Muggle money, don't hesitate to use it and save your gold
Rule 13- There's only two restrooms on the train. Try to hold it in.
Rule 14- Check the Signs on the changing rooms before you walk in! (We shouldn't need to say this people)
Rule 15- The Conductor will announces the time every hour or so. So don't bother with a watch.
Harry and Ron were dumbfounded to see Hermione bending so heatedly over a blank piece of parchment neglecting the days work. It amazed them. Besides, all the stuff she scribbled was not appearing. Hermione could hear them going on about her parchment. Lindsey and herself had spelled them to act like computers with privacy guards and they were writing the rules and editing back and forth in their made-up group language. It was a branch of Arabic written upside down and backwards. Oh what a language it was. Most of them could read and write the formal and informal versions and they probably would speak it the second they agreed on pronunciation. But, they had started on the next section and she need to keep up as scribe.
Before we continue with our great book of Hogwarts Wisdom we would like to inform you of our status.
We (whom shall remain nameless)
are the representatives of our respective houses and anyone who so much as looks at us the wrong way because of it will hexed to the full extent of our combined abilities, etc. We would also like that if you have any rules that are not listed here after to please write them at the back of this book which will automatically send the rules to us for automatic revision. Please do not hesitate to add anything (Unless you are a blonde ferret git!)
The Houses
Rule 16- All Houses have good and bad points. Some of which are known only to their residents.
Rule 17- Prank Wars only occur between rival Houses
Slytherin and Gryffindor
Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw
As a LAW non-rivals do not (THIS MEANS YOU) prank each other
By request we are going to list the good and bad of each house so PAY ATTENTION
Gryffindor
Good
They are very brave
Currently have best Quidditch team
Hold Best Victory Parties
Best Comebacks
Bad
They have the highest rate of Teen Pregnancy (Don't Ask)
Are sometimes, if not always, suicidal
Tend to show the lowest test score (because of parties)
Huffelpuff
Good
Best Friends you could have
Don't get in trouble
Bad
Worst Quidditch Team in existence
Highest percentage of people who give up magic after school
Tend to be the butt of everyone's jokes
Tends to fill with the spineless
Highest Average Number of Phobias, 22. (Don't Ask)
Ravenclaw
Good
The Smartest
Highest GPA's
Best Dorm Bathrooms
Fewest Anorexics
Most Creative
Bad
Highest Mental Breakdown Rate
Most Bulimics
Mostly Smartasses
Loudest Screamers
Slytherin
Good-
We are sorry to say but not even a member of this house can find a single positive point to write down here that will not get them killed.
Bad
(Where to start)
Sluts
Man-Whores
Pureblood Freaks
House of Worst Comebacks
Place of Lying, Cheating, Stealing, Copying, Sex,
Mostly Death Eaters
Highest Mortality rate before 20
Rule 18- Do not argue with the Sorting Hat
Rule 19- When applying for Quidditch bring your own broom
Rule 20- Never physically enter another Houses' common room
Rule 21- Point System Good.
Punching People Bad
Rule 22- When dating look outside your own house
Rule 23- Candy should never cross houses
Rule 24- Never Give Candy to the Ravenclaws (They'll never shut up!)
Hermione laughed thinking of the time Fiona had given Lindsey a pixie stick that had come in a package from her mother. Lindsey, needless to say, bounced (literally) off the Room of Requirement walls for a straight hour shouting off random trivia she knew.
In the other common rooms the girls were laughing and couldn't wait to get together to actually write the book… After all, they already had twenty four rules.
Feasting
Rule 25-Hogwarts is not going to run out of food or toast, eat slowly
Rule 26-Dumbledore says wierd things, listen, and get indigestion
Rule 27- Do not eat the Meatloaf or the pink mush
Rule 28- Wizard Crackers are not play things
Rule 29- Do NOT HORDE THE FOLLOWING!
Dressing
Sauce
Pasta
Salad
Bacon
Eggs
Jam
Butter
Rule 30- Pizza is not made at Hogwarts so don't bother asking
Rule 31- Muggle foods that seldom appear in Hogwarts feast:
Cheeseburgers
Chinese food
French Fries
Rule 32- Halloween Candy is to be eaten liberally
By now the girls were beginning to run out of ideas despite how much they knew so they asked their housemates and began to pay more attention at lunch.
Rule 33- Rolls make good Projectiles
Rule 34- People are allergic to Peanuts. Do not throw them
(See above for suggestions)
Rule 35- If you start a food fight don't get caught
Rule 36- When it's a girls time of the month, do not keep chocolate away from her
The girls had now finished another section right at the bell rang in History of Magic. Every morning so far another one of their rules was shouted by magic to the students. Most of the rules received a good laugh, but when the negative points of any house were pointed out boo's and snickers erupted. Most everyone wanted to know who would write such a god-awful book. Dumbledore would look at the four every morning with a twinkle in his eye almost encouraging them to continue. And continue they did…
Quidditch
Rule 37- The Rules are complicated, play is fast. Why bother???
Rule 38- Rule 37 is wrong because it's a good game.
Rule 39- When Slytherin and Gryffindor play DUCK! (Duck Goose)
Rule 40- Feel free to shout any demeaning slur felt necessary while a game is on.
Rule 41- In Quidditch there are no cards of any sort except the kinds seen when being knocked out
Rule 42- THIS IS NOT SOCCER, FOOTBALL, OR HOCKEY SO DON'T SAY IT IS!!!!
Rule 43- Yes, there are balls in the sport, but keep the jokes PG-13!
Rule 44- Cheer, Cheer Loudly
Rule 45- Don't fall out of the stands, it hurts
As the girls finished this section they couldn't help but laugh. Most of these rules were true and used regularly by members of house teams which Fiona and Lindsey were parts of. The next section took much longer and after all forty-seven of their rules and comments had been posted most students began to miss the daily laugh and started to write slips of paper sticking them in a small box the four had placed just outside of the Great Hall. Most were quickly thrown away because they were jabs at a specific houses' character and named names. The girls had a code that no one house was to be bashed more than the others and Neville was the only exception to their no naming students rule.
So on the went the books there main blocker was the fact they couldn't decide on what to write about next. After much deliberation and three detentions it was decided and the book finally continued on with this to say
We did and still do appreciate the feedback we are receiving about our dear guide to Hogwarts. We are very unhappy to find that students insist on using our hard work and sweat to poke fun at each other. From now on with permission from Professor Dumbledore, we are allowed to take five points from a house for each inappropriate and/or demeaning suggestion. Anything inappropriate will immediately be identified and sent to the respective Head of House to be dealt with.
WE SHOULD NOT BE TELLING YOU THIS! HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE PEOPLE.
The Library
Rule 46- Madam Prince likes it quiet.
Rule 47- Restricted Section MEANS Restricted.
Rule 48- When reading a book, do not dog-ear you will be hunted
Rule 49-The Library is a place for quiet time. Those seen not being quiet are susceptible to detention or substantial punishment
Rule 50- Do not chew gum near books
Rule 51- There is a lost and found in the Library. If you have misplaced your common sense look there
Rule 52- If you brain explodes and/or implodes in the library get yourself out fast
Rule 53- Before entering the Library decide on the nature of your visit and define a little and a lot of reading
Rule 54- Books are better projectiles than rolls, but don't tell people that at lunch
Rule 55- The Dewy Decimal System was invented for a reason. Then again the alphabet was invented for the same reason and look what happened to it.
Rule 56- Remember to write your name in the appropriate place (Like your underwear)
The four of the still unnamed authors of the great Hogwarts book were pleased to see the Library section complete with such a silly comment about names. They knew the school would love it. Yet another day was drawn to close and the four, nicknamed the Founders, left their complied works to work on their homework. Not that their ample amount of homework suffered because of the book.
The Halls
Rule 57- We are aware that the pictures move. (We don't live in boxes)
Rule 58- Do NOT ask a picture for directions
Rule 59- Some Halls are forbidden. Let them stay that way
Rule 60- There are multiple bathrooms on every floor (This means do not run to the seventh floor to go to the bathroom)
Rule 61- There are unused classrooms on every floor, use 'em!
Rule 62- …
Rule 63- Rule 62 is currently lost in a secret corridor thanks to Rule 64.
Rule 64- Do not make maps! The halls change too frequently
Rule 65- The 5th floor corridor is a monument to the Weasley Brothers
Rule 66- When a corridor is forbidden, it is so for a reason
Rule 67- If and when you go out after hours, please don't wear perfume
Rule 68- Mr. Filch would appreciate you not wandering after hours
Rule 69- Do not attack Mrs. Norris
Rule 70- Feel free to prank Filch
Authors Note: If anyone wants a continuation of the rules please let me know…. If so I need at least 10 reviews