you look at me like that and i know. i know your ashamed of yourself. why shouldn't you be?

you touched me, it hurts...but its okay. you get used to it.

being with you made me feel so complete, whole again. but you look back in disgust with yourself. at that time, you where free and for some reason all you wanted was me on your body. pressed so close you cant tell where we separate and begin.

I know what your here for, to tell me that's it. it never happened, so it can never happen again.

its okay i expected that.

you say it and i feel the steel of your voice falter.

"i know"

you look at me in shock, did you expect me to fight?

" how would you know?"

i lean back against the wall and out the window.

" because it was good. i - was happy. i hate being happy."

you just look at me waiting.

" happy fades, and then your just ...there."

i hate being happy, it reminds me how unhappy the rest of my life is. you look confused, but you got what you wanted so you leave.

the next day you don't look at me. i didn't care before but it hurts today cause i know what its like to have you give me all of your attention. all of your want. i want that back.

i hate wanting.

i hate having what i want, because it goes away. ill smile anyway because no one asks questions about it if you smile, say something anything and they laugh cause I'm smiling. you dont look at me.

i cant do it, i just cant smile today.

im sick, im sick i'm sick.

i knew you for an hour, all of you. and now its gone.

i hate you because i love you too much. a month passes and i haven't smiled, they wont stop asking questions, the pain doesn't fade. its there a dull ache always in my chest, it spike and twists in on itself when you come near.

you don't look at me.

And suddenly were alone.

In a room I didn't realize was there, you look at me. The ache stops and I feel euphoric, it happens and its real. I think you can see it, the smile you give me is so different from the one they give me. Its real.

Suddenly so suddenly your so close and I feel like I hurt you somehow.

I'm aching again.

I look up at you and you just press your forehead to mine. I wait, this seems to bother you. So you just press your mouth over mine in a sloppy tactless kiss.

I'm greedy so I take it, all of it and I want more.

Wetness, I can feel it on my face and I'm not sure who is crying, is it me? Was it you?

You look at me with your forehead still pressed on mine and you with your cracked wavering voice you mumble, so I can just barely hear you.

" you fight everyone, for anything... why did you let me leave? Am I not worth fighting for?"

I did hurt you didn't I?

"you're beautiful- you can have anyone. I wanted you to have some beautiful like you."

you look at me, you look ashamed but I cant tell why.

"I'm sorry."

It falls out of your mouth like it was waiting there for freedom for so long. You say it again and again and again.

" for what?"

"i said all that, before... just so you would look at me. I thought you already knew... already knew that you're beautiful."

I kiss you not caring if you can tell how much I need this., how much I need you. I'm happy now, I hate being happy. I know when we walk out this door that you will be the you that they know, my heart will break and I know I wont be able to smile again.

The day goes and I walk into the yard, I want not to look at you and see you not look at me. So I go, I stand next to them they give me those sad smiles. They look confused and I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to look at you. I can hear some ask you in the smallest of voices not to do this, don't fight with me. I'm apparently not feeling well.

But I am.

Because my back is against the wall my eyes are closed and your on me. Your moth moves over mine and I feel amazing, so happy I cant stop the warmth that pours out of my eyes. You kiss it away telling me its alright because your here now, it wasn't fair. You shouldn't have relied on my fighting for you.

Because now, your fighting for me.