Snake's Last Stand
'You don't get to be Police Chief of a town like Springfield without being a good cop, so yeah... yeah, I think I'm a good cop.' I said as confidently as I could. And it's hard to sound confident when someone's pressing the barrel of a shotgun into the back of your head.
'Well if you're such a good cop, then why I am I still on the streets?' Snake's Californian drawl came out in a half whisper. This had the effect of making his question should like a threat.
'Gives me something to do of an evening.' I stated in what I hoped would be my best action hero voice. I couldn't believe how loudly my heart was beating. The pain in my chest reminded me of the chronic asthma I suffered all the way through childhood.
'That's a shame pig,' I could feel his breath on my face, ' 'cos I got a feeling tomorrow evening will be particularly quiet for you!'
Chik, chik. The pump of the shotgun signalled that I only had seconds to live. I think it was then that I started to panic.
The name's Police Chief Clancy Wiggum and I've been a police officer in Springfield for over 25 years now. I've made countless arrests and personally dealt with thousands of criminals but there's one who is so ubiquitous and so prolific that all law enforcement agencies know him by a simple alias; Snake.
It's a poor reflection on this State's revolving door prison system that Snake has served 14 separate prison sentences for various crimes including fraud, burglary, car theft and even escaping from a federal prison. Even so, at the station he is regarded as an almost petty criminal, a character or even worse, a joke. It is often remarked that for a professional criminal he's pretty unsuccessful and should probably consider a career change.
We often laughed about it.
Until that night.
I'll never forget when we got the call. It was quarter to midnight at Springfield Police Station. Giving up our earlier attempts at paperwork, Officer Lou and I were engrossed in a best of five tournament of a game called 'paddocks'. The game involved a sheet of graphing paper, two felt-pens and all the concentration of the most intense chess game.
'All units, armed robbery in progress at Elm St. Kwik-E-Mart. All units, armed robbery in…'
I flicked the police radio off; I didn't need to hear any more.
'Lou, Eddie, let's go.' I gestured for the door. It's a luxury to work in a city like Springfield where a combination of a low crime rate and reasonably high funding allows someone as high ranking as me to go on occasional calls. Stops me going crazy too.
As I trotted to the patrol car I felt myself getting out of breath. Now I have to state here I'm not the fittest of men. Maybe it's my love of Krusty Burgers or my loathing of physical activity but, as my wife says, I'm getting very round and cuddly these days. That's not to say I'm not quick when I have to be.
'Do you think its Snake, Chief?' asked Lou as we piled in. I smiled to myself. I remembered when Lou and Eddie were fresh-faced and just out of the academy. Now they were hypothesising on likely suspects on the way to the scene of a crime. I considered the question for the briefest of moments.
'The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour' I told him sagely as we roared toward the Kwik-E-Mart, sirens blazing. I actually got this particular pearl of wisdom from an episode of but I hoped the boys would think that I had arrived at the conclusion independently. I snuck a sideways look at them. They appeared to be in rapt attention.
'Now Snake has held up the Kwik-E-Mart on 34 separate occasions in the past 18 years so therefore I would say he's our prime suspect.'
'That's a great conclusion, Chief' said Eddie without a hint of sarcasm. It was a wonderful feeling knowing these two fine officers held me in such high regard.
As I got out of the car that night I felt a feeling that should have sounded a warning to be more careful. For whatever reason I didn't listen.
Instead I kicked into professional mode. Through the transparent automatic door it was pretty obvious what the situation was. It was indeed Snake, recently out on bail, who seemingly had run out of time to make his getaway when we arrived. He had obviously then, in an act of desperation, decided to take the store's attendant and customers hostage. He was brandishing a shotgun threateningly.
We quickly donned flak jackets while our back up began to surround the place. Having some experience in hostage negotiation I took the lead. I wanted to get this sorted before the commissioner in Capital City had time to start worrying about this one.
Leaving my firearm, I walked toward the front entrance of the Kwik-E-Mart with my hands clearly in the air. The spring air was crisp and the moon was full. If it weren't for the circumstances you could have described it as a beautiful evening. I think at this stage I was still too confident. It's always a relief to find that Snake is your man. Sure he's a bad egg but we have a healthy respect for each other. Springfield needs crime just like it needs policemen, and we both play our roles adequately.
Snake motioned for me to come in. Wearing his denim vest and standard white T-Shirt his snake tattoo was clearly visible on his right arm. His other trademark, a 1950's quiff of chestnut hair was less in tact. His locks were slightly ruffled and messy. As I passed through the doorway I was close enough to see the tiny beads of perspiration around his mouth. He was loosing his cool.
'Why don't we let these nice folks go, Snake?' I suggested before the man had a chance to state his demands. I did a quick count; Manjula, Mrs. Lovejoy, Sideshow Mel and a very tall man I didn't know the name of. Four.
'No way pig!' Snake's voice was definitely wilder and more out of control than I'd ever heard it.
'Police chief for four nobodies. That's fair.' I had a suddenly horrible thought that that sounded terribly arrogant. If Snake noticed he didn't let on.
'I want three other police as well.'
'You can have Lou and Eddie. No more.'
'Deal'.
Lou, Eddie and I filed into the Kwik-E-Mart. I obviously had to ask the boys if they were willing to be hostages but I knew what their answer would be. These guys would follow me to the edge of the earth and I had a faint gnawing in my mind that I was taking advantage of them. Still it was nice to have those innocent bystanders out of danger.
'Why hello little piggies! I'm the big bad wolf!' Snake cackled and I actually began to doubt his sanity for the first time. He motioned for us to line up in front of the counter. We obviously had to leave our firearms behind but Snake now proceeded to take our flak jackets and police radios too. As a police officer of many years experience I did half-expect this. The next request however caught me right off guard.
'Little pig, little pig…. strip naked!'
'What?'
'You heard fat boy. Strip. All the way.' Snake's request seemed unusual to say the least. There must be some personal agenda here. For some reason he wanted to humiliate us. As I undid my uniform fears for the safety of my officers grew. Snake wasn't himself.
'What's wrong Snake?' I slipped my shirt off.
'I've just been in prison, Chief. That's what's wrong.'
'But you're out now. You can move on with your life.' I fumbled with the zipper of my pants. I noticed Eddie doing the same thing. II could feel Snake glaring at me.
'Well no I can't actually Clancy. I've… lost my innocence. There's no going back.'
I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Did he mean…?
'Do you know what happens to handsome men in prison, Clancy?'
It dawned on me that this was the reason Snake was acting so strangely. There'd obviously been some abuse but he was coping with it in a very odd way. The atmosphere was tense. Three naked police officers lined up in a convenience mart, with a tattooed man pointing at each of them in turn with a high-powered shotgun.
I realised I hadn't answered Snake's question.
'Look Snake, I can organise some counselling, I can organise…'
'ORGANISE THIS!' Snake screamed at me, his eyes directly looking into mine. Then without warning he moved the barrel to the left of my head and the loudest sound I've ever heard in my life rang out. Deaf and petrified, I involuntarily dropped to the floor. I thought I'd been shot. My hand went to check if my ear was still in tact. It was, but there was an awful lot of blood. Then, an even worse feeling; it wasn't mine.
I looked over to see Lou's naked body just inches from mine. Everything looked normal from the neck down. But from the neck up…. well there wasn't anything from the neck up. Lou's head had been completely obliterated from his body. Now I'd seen dead bodies before. I'd even seen a bloody torso heap in an infamous and grisly crime scene a few years previously but I'd never felt so instantly nauseous.
'Know why I did that Eddie?' asked Snake with a weird singsong lilt to his voice. I looked over at Eddie and imagined he looked like a mirror image of me. Blood and brains painted the side of his face, as he lay there too stunned to talk.
'Cos you three little piggies sent me to jail. You sent me to jail where I got fuckin' arse raped!' I screamed in unison with Eddie as I heard the shotgun exploded into a second, seemingly louder thunderclap. Blood gushed out of Eddie's stomach as he tried in vain to stop the bleeding. I think at this point I realised this wasn't a robbery gone wrong. Snake had set up an elaborate police execution.
'Chief… Chief…' gasped Eddie 'remember Apu…rememb… ahhh' Eddie's head fell lifeless to the side. I knew I had to act or I was gone too. I slowly rose to my feet.
'C'mon Snake. It doesn't have to be this way. If you give yourself up now…'
'You're not that stupid Wiggum. We both know none of us are getting out alive. Not me. Not you. And certainly not those motherfucking arse rapists.' He motioned to the still bleeding dead bodies of my best friends.
'Do you think you're a good cop?' asked Snake asked suddenly and earnestly. I needed to buy myself some time.
'You don't get to be Police Chief of a town like Springfield without being a good cop, so yeah …yeah, I think I'm a good cop.'
'Well if you're such a good cop, then why I am I still on the streets?'
'Gives me something to do of an evening.' What was it that Eddie had tried to tell me? Something about Apu?
'That's a shame pig,' I could feel his breath on my face, ' 'cos I got a feeling tomorrow evening will be particularly quiet for you!'
Apu somewhat unusually hadn't even worked here tonight. It was his wife Manjula. If Apu had been here he would have just reached for his own...
Chik, chik. The pump of the shotgun signalled that I only had seconds to live.
Shotgun. Apu's shotgun.
I hoisted my naked, bulky frame over the counter toward the Squishy machine. C'mon Apu, where's the gun? I landed on my side on the sticky floor in front on the machine my hands searching everywhere.
'Fuck you pig!' Once more a gunshot rang out as syrup and machinery exploded behind me. Snake poked his unconvincingly moustached face over the register.
'You move fast little piggy. You move fast, but now you die!' Snake yelled so loud even in my half deafened state I could still hear him quite clearly. I looked up one final time, disappointed that my final gambit hadn't paid off. And there it was. Apu's gun, actually on the counter on the cashier's side of the register, in a totally dangerous, illegal but potentially life saving position. The next bit happened in slow motion. I had to get to my knees, pick up the hopefully loaded gun and fire before Snake squeezed off a shot. A shot that would remove my head from my body. It was gonna be a close call.
I think my eyes must have been focussing on his face the whole way because I can picture every moment and emotion played out on his face. I remember springing to my feet covered in blood and squishy syrup. I remember feeling for Apu's gun but most of all I remember the deafening silence after the final horrible gunshot went off. Only one man remained standing afterwards.
A naked, fat policeman.
Once more I hoisted my self over the counter. I looked down at Snake. Finally dead lying between the innocent dismembered bodies of two of Springfield's finest police officers.
It didn't seem right. He didn't deserve to lie on the same patch of floor as my friends. Maybe that's why I shot at Snake's body six more times.
'Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!'
I'm often asked if I had my time over, would I do anything differently. I think I would. I think I'd shoot him seven times.
Or eight…
THE END