Disbelief In My Depression
Edward's POV
"Hey Eddie!" Emmett yells, even though I'm sitting two seats away from him.
"Edward," I correct Emmett in annoyance, looking up from Great Expectations, which has never met my expectations.
"Do you wanna come wrestling with me and Jazz?" Emmett grins.
"Really?" I ask, "Are you not afraid I'll cheat?"
"I didn't think of that. Sorry Eddie, offer's been revoked," He slaps my knee before running outside to where Jasper is waiting.
I catch my sigh before it escapes. This is how it always is. No one wants to be around me because of a power I wish I didn't have. I'm the joke of the family, the odd one out, mateless, and a one hundred year old virgin. Those are Emmett's favourite jokes about me.
I look back down at my book, but I don't pay attention to the words. Instead I listen to everyone else around the house. Carlisle is reading in his study, Esme is gardening, my brothers are wrestling and my sisters are creating their own line of clothes in Alice's room.
What saddens me is that none of them know the first thing about me. They don't even know my favourite colour; they don't know that deep inside the woods is a small clearing I use for practicing with the crossbow I made. They think I'm some piano playing drama queen.
At vampire speed I put my book down and walk into the garden to where Esme is. I kneel down next to her and wait until she is facing me to speak.
"Can I speak to you about something?" I ask quietly. This is the third time I have done this, tried to talk to Esme or Carlisle about how depressed I really am.
"Sure honey," Esme smiles warmly.
"Well, its kind of difficult," I mutter.
"What has Emmett done now?" Esme jokes, and laugh with her, but like the past couple of years my laugh sounds expressionless. I seem to be the only one who has noticed it though.
"Nothing," I smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. "Its just-"
"ESME!" Alice screams from behind us. "I really need your help, now."
Esme sighs and turns to me, "Can this wait sweetheart?"
I look down, "Yes."
As Alice walks away with Esme, I hear her thoughts.
'I saw what you were going to tell her, Edward. Stop being so dramatic.'
Groaning, I walk up to Carlisle's office. I'll probably be stopped from talking to him too, but it's worth a try.
Every time I try to talk to them, Alice sees it and gets one of my siblings to stop me on the basis of 'being dramatic.' I'm sick of it. I should be able to talk to my parents if I'm becoming suicidal.
"Carlisle?" I ask, standing outside the office door. "Can I talk to you?"
He opens the office door, and his eyes widen at the sad look on my face. "Of course son," He says, stepping back to let me in. "You can talk to me about anything."
I chuckle grimly, taking a seat in front of his desk. He sits in his chair behind the desk. "I doubt it."
Carlisle raises his eyebrows, "Why not?"
I laugh dryly, "Alice doesn't like me talking about it. Neither do the others."
"Why not?" Carlisle frowns.
"They think I'm being dramatic," I look down at my hands.
"Well what did you want to talk about?" Carlisle smiles at me.
"Carlisle?" Rosalie's voice comes from the doorway before I can begin. I sigh quietly, close my eyes and sink further back into the chair.
"Yes Rosalie?" Carlisle asks politely, and I open my eyes again.
"Can I speak with you?" Rosalie inquires.
"I'm sorry Rose, but I was talking to Edward first," Carlisle smiles at us both.
"Please, Carlisle," Rosalie whines. "I really need to talk to you."
Carlisle sighs, "Can this wait, Edward?" He asks me.
I nod sadly, biting back dry sobs. I feel so rejected and hated all the time. Why can't I just have a conversation with my parents? "Yes," I whisper, knowing Rosalie won't give up.
Carlisle frowns at my tortured expression before getting up and following Rosalie to the living room. I follow a few minutes later and find Alice, Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie seated on the cream sofas.
Jasper and Emmett walk in. For a long time I've been suppressing my emotions, but maybe Jasper should know how I feel.
I let my feelings go, showing Jasper my true emotions. Immediately he collapses, and growls, "Stop being dramatic Edward."
I force my emotions down, and the next thing I know Jasper has me pinned against the wall by my throat. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" He screams, and I stay silent. "Well?" He snarls, and behind his back I see Alice smirk. Jazz raises his eyebrows, "Are you even going to fight back?"
I smile internally. He obviously doesn't know about the extent of my fighting skills, as he's thinking that if I faught back he would win.
Sighing, I kick his legs from beneath him. I grab his legs and hold him upside down, and like I execpted he would without reading his mind he grabs my ankles. Smirking, I fall forwards, and smash his ankles against the floor. In shock, he lets go of my legs and I kick the side of his face, waisting no time in getting my arm around his neck.
I stand, pulling Jasper with me and face my family. Every single one of them look shocked, before Emmett glares at me. "Cheat," He says, and I let go of Jasper.
"I didn't read his mind," I reply dully, letting a little bit of sadness colour my tone.
"Liar," Rosalie spits.
"If you say so," I shrug without emotion, turning to go back up the stairs.
On about the fourth step Carlisle calls my name, and I turn to see the whole family watching Carlisle and I as he stands at the bottom of the stairs. "Son, when was the last time you hunted?"
I shrug again, wanting to go into my soundproof room and dry sob until morning. "About two months ago," I croak out, the thought of my thirst making my throat burn. I like the burn though, its my own way of self-harming.
"You need to hunt," Carlisle says, but I shake my head.
"Are you serious?!" Rosalie screams, "The idiot is self-harming! And putting the family at risk! What if you slip up?!" She glares at me.
"If I slip up," I say slowly, watching every single one of them, "Then Alice will see it, and you will pull me off the human, probably making them a vampire. So then it won't be as difficult for you, if you care at all."
"What won't be as difficult for us, son?" Esme asks, and I let a small sob escape me.
"You'll have a replacement," I murmur.
"What?" Emmett says, and I feel my legs give out as I sink to sit on the step. Carlisle comes to sit next to me.
"You'll have a replacement," I repeat, and realisation colours Jasper's mind.
"Oh God, Edward why would you even consider that?" Jasper asks.
"You tell me," I mutter dryly, "You've felt my emotions."
Jasper's eyes widen, "Those are your true emotions? You weren't just trying to cause me pain for some sick joke?"
I sigh, "Proves how much you know me if you think I would do that."
"I don't understand," Emmett moans, and everyone else nods.
Jazz sighs, "Just then, when I went to my knees, what caused that was Edward's real emotions. He means if he slips up then we'll have a replacement for him when he commits suicide."
Everyone gapes at me, and finally Alice scowls. "Don't be so dramatic."
Jasper shakes his head urgently at her, and she just gives him an impatient look. I stare at her blankly. "You know you lot are the reason why I want to die," I mutter. "You knew how I feel, but you never thought for a second that I might not just be dramatic. I tried to tell Carlisle and Esme about it but for some reason you don't want me to. There's a reason my room is soundproof and its not for music."
"So we wouldn't hear you cry," Esme realises, sitting next to me and rubbing my back.
"Aw cry baby Edward," Emmett mocks, and Alice whacks him when she sees a vision of my suicide.
"You don't know the first thing about me," I mutter, looking down.
"Oh really?" Emmett says, folding his arms.
"Really," I reply. "What's my favourite colour?"
"Black," Emmett snorts, and I see the agreement in everyone else's minds.
"No..." I whisper, biting back a sob. I was hoping he would get it right.
Emmett's confident smile falls, "Oh."
"Orange?" Jasper suggests.
"No."
"Blue?" Alice says.
"No."
"Red?" Rosalie raises her eyebrows.
"No," I sigh. "It's green."
"Green?" Alice says, completely disbelieving.
"Yes," I whisper. "My eyes used to be green."
Everyone stares at me for a moment, realising I'm right and they really don't know me at all.
Taking their distraction to my advantage, I sprint up the stairs and lock myself in my room. Quickly, I take out a pen and a piece of paper and write:
I'm so sorry, but please let me go.
I place the note by my stereo, and jump out my window. The moment I get into the trees I hear Alice scream, "He's running!" To the family, who start running after me.
A few weeks ago I made a deal with the wolves in La Push. If I cross the border to their land then they kill me, but leave my family alone.
I carry on running, and Emmett realises where I'm going, "He's running to La Push!" He yells.
"Edward! Please don't!" Rosalie shouts, but I just keep running.
After a few minutes they stop, and the last thing I hear is Carlisle saying. "Kids stop. If this is something he wants to do, then we have to let him go."
Thank you, I think silently, continuing my flight.
Just as I'm about to cross the border, something knocks into me, pushing me away from the wolve's land. I growl at the thing that stopped me from committing suicide.
Looking up I see its a brunette vampire. She looks about my age (17) and has bright topaz eyes. "That's wolf territory! Do you have a death wish?!" She yells at me, and frowns when I don't answer. "Oh. You do. Well, we're just going to have to fix that."
Without hesitation she helps me up and smiles. "My name is Ella. Ella Hatter. What's yours?"
"Edward Cullen," I mutter, looking down.
"Cullen?" Her eyes widen. "You don't know Carlisle Cullen do you? He showed my siblings and I the animal diet when we were turned."
"I'm a part of his coven," I mumble. "Or at least I was."
"What happened?" Ella asks, a look of concern coming across her face.
"I was getting more and more depressed but my siblings thought I was just being dramatic. It was nothing to do with Carlisle or his mate Esme. It wasn't my siblings' fault either. I was just never really happy there. What year were you changed?" I add, wondering if this girl is actually older than me.
"1862. My siblings and I met Carlisle two days after a nomad killed our parents and then changed us," Ella smiles. "What about you?"
"I was changed by Carlisle in 1918. He saved me from dying of the Spanish Influenza," I grimace at the memory of my transformation. The burn, the fire.
Ella smiles again. "You know if you're not happy with your family you could always join mine."
I laugh, "You've only just met me."
She shrugs, "I'm a pretty trusting person. Besides how dangerous can a suicidal vampire be?"