I woke up suddenly. I jumped just a bit and had a slight sheen of perspiration on my body but I considered that good progress. It's been a few months since I was assimilated by the borg and then rescued. At first I would bolt upright in bed screaming and would be covered in a heavy sweat. I've had many sessions with Counselor Troi, she's been a tremendous help. My trip to see my home and my brother, my beginnings, was also quite helpful. It helped to not only remind me of who I am but where I came from. Helped me to remember why I chose the life I did. I lay in my bed trying to calm my racing heart. I had been dreaming that not only was I part of the borg again but that I was stuck in my regeneration cell. I concentrated on the here and now, like Deanna had taught me. Feel my body, feel that the implants are no longer there, listen to the sound of the Enterprise around me – very different from the sounds of the borg ship – concentrate on breathing deeply and calmly. I became aware that something was still wrong. My left arm, the one that had been caught in the dream, was pinned under an unusual weight. I had a moment of panic but as long as I was on the Enterprise I could surmise that, whatever the problem was, I would be ok. I opened my eyes and looked to see what was on my arm. There was only a little light from the stars shining in my window but it was enough light to see that someone was in bed with me, using my arm as a pillow. That someone had long fiery hair in soft waves. Beverly was in bed with me? To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I am quite sure that unless I have completely lost my memory and my mind I would remember getting into bed with Beverly. I certainly would not object to sleeping with her. It's just that our relationship hasn't gotten that far. She, I think, does care for me beyond friendship but something is holding her back. I can wait until she is ready. I don't have any choice but to wait. I love Beverly, I always have and no one else will do. I have learned that if I push too far with her, she retreats. But then why is she in my bed?

Is something wrong with her? No, if something was physically wrong she'd doctor herself or go to sick bay. But then again, she has been looking rather tired recently. For several weeks now she's been subdued and quiet, looking like she's been working too hard. She said she was fine when I asked her but I know she's not completely fine. I allowed her privacy about it. I just said if she needed my help I was willing. But if something was wrong that she needed my help with then she would've woken me up, and probably through the computer and not by coming to my room. Wait, she was in my room and I hadn't let her in. She must have used medical over-ride on my cabin door. She's not one to abuse her medical privileges, something must be very wrong. The environmental sounds were normal. The speed of the stars going by the window looked to be about Warp 5, which is what I had ordered. I took stock of my own body, perhaps she was there in response to some illness of my own. I didn't feel ill. I didn't feel any of my body parts in pain. Beverly looked to be sleeping soundly. Her face resting on my arm was facing away from me but I could feel her cheek on my arm and it didn't feel like she had a fever. Whatever was wrong wasn't something immediately in need of attention and I was glad to see Beverly getting some sleep. I relaxed. I won't wake her up, she needs her sleep. She can tell me what's the matter when she wakes. I lay there just enjoying being so near to her. I could hear her breathing as well as feel her body moving as she breathed. Right now she was warm and close and soft. When she was awake she was sweet and caring and joyful and vibrant, she was the exact opposite of a borg and it made me love her even more. I lay there listening to her breathing for awhile and I must have fallen back to sleep.

When I woke again I was laying on my back and Beverly had laid her head on my chest. She was awake. I could feel her fingers stroking lazy patterns on my stomach. I didn't want to scare her so, using my arm that was behind her, I gently laid it on her shoulder. She still jumped a bit and whipped her head back so that it slid down my arm and she could look me in the face. We just stared into each other's eyes for a moment. I kept my face relaxed and calm, she must be nervous about being discovered uninvited in her commanding officer's bed. I gave her a small smile to let her know I wasn't upset that she was there and I could feel some tension drain out of her body. She smiled back and quietly said, "Good morning, you startled me."

I replied, "Good morning to you too and I could say the same thing." and then just waited. She was the one that came to me, she needed something so she needed to ask for it.

"Sorry I startled you, explanation time, huh?" she asked. I just nodded. She took a deep breath and looked like she was about to say something but didn't. She was visibly struggling to find the words to convey her thoughts to me. She tried again, "I just wanted..." but the she stopped. I really wanted to know what was on her mind that would cause her to behave so much out of her normal character. I wanted to help but she couldn't seem to find the words.

"Are you ill?" I asked. She shook her head no. "Am I ill?" Again she shook her head no. "But there is a problem?" This time she closed her eyes and swallowed hard and nodded yes. "Whatever it is, Beverly, we can face it together. I'm here for you, you know that." I said as I gently rubbed her shoulder.

She opened her eyes and they were brimming with tears. That alarmed me, something must be very wrong to move her to tears. "Jean-Luc..." she stopped again. Please, whatever it is just say it. You're scaring me. "Your nightmares are getting better but mine are getting worse." she blurted out.

So, now I knew it wasn't a life threatening problem but I was still completely confused. "What nightmares are you having that are getting worse? Wait, how do you know I'm having nightmares and that they are getting better?" Deanna would never break confidence, so how did Beverly know that my nightmares were getting better? Anyone could guess that I was having nightmares after my ordeal but somehow she knew that mine were getting better. Now she looked completely guilty and scared. "Just start at the beginning, tell me everything. I will help you."

"Confession time too, I guess." she said looking very guilty. "I have been having nightmares since that day I saw you on the borg ship. At first, I thought we'd found you and would take you home with us but then you turned towards us and I could see the implants. You couldn't be rescued from the borg because you were a borg." She closed her eyes tight against the memory and I completely understood, I didn't want those memories either. "I was completely lost without you. Well, you remember how awful the whole thing was. But we got you back, we managed to save you. I have never enjoyed performing any surgery more than removing those evil implants from you. Afterwards, I thought I would be able to sleep well knowing you were fine and the borg ship was destroyed but I couldn't. I kept having nightmares about you being a borg. I would wake up during the night in a cold sweat thinking you were not on board." she closed her eyes and cringed a bit and then went on. "That was when I started asking the computer to give me your vitals when I was awake at night. Then I knew you were on board and not a borg and alive and well. I would have the computer read out your vitals continuously for an hour, sometimes more. So I knew you were having nightmares when your heart rate and blood pressure spiked up." Well, to be quite honest it was rather unsettling knowing that she'd been listening to my vitals while I was asleep. I suppose I can get over it, I do understand why she did it and if she had been here in my room I wouldn't have minded her listening to my heart beat. She must have been quite desperate though, this is not like her at all. "My nightmares are getting worse and I'm spending more time awake so I know you are spending less time having nightmares. Tonight was the worst. I dreamed that not only were you a borg but you were making a new borg. You were putting the borg implants into Wesley. I couldn't take it any more, I had to come and see for myself that you were human and healthy. I used medical over-ride to get into your room. I wanted to hear your heart beat so I got into bed and then I fell asleep. If you need to report me to Starfleet for invading your quarters, I understand."

She had no intention of harming me. She was worried about me, irrationally so, but still worried about me. I did offer to help her with whatever was making her look so tired and sad. I see no reason to be too upset about what she's done. If she would've asked, I would've said yes. So, I needed to let this episode go. I'm touched that she feels so deeply for me that she's been this affected by my assimilation, maybe we are closer to crossing that friendship line into 'more than friendship' than I thought. I needed to convey to her that I wasn't overly upset by her coming here to my bed uninvited and that I wanted to help her work through this. "Computer," she cringed, I'm sure she thought I was going to report her "Dr. Beverly Crusher is to have unlimited access to captain's quarters until further notice."

The computer answered, "Acknowledged." just as Beverly's mind processed what I had just done and her eyes flew open wide and she gasped. Her eyes teared up and she was almost crying. Those are happy tears, I think. Then she leaned up and kissed me. Not our usual chaste friendship kiss, a real kiss. Our first real kiss and it was incredible. Her soft lips sliding wetly across my own. Our lips fit together perfectly, like they were made for each other. After several moments she deepened the kiss, demanding a response from me and I stroked my tongue across her lower lip begging entrance. Her lips parted and our first kiss became something more than just a kiss, it was a promise of a future together sharing deep kisses and much more. I had never been so emotionally affected by a kiss. It was like I had finally found the one person I was supposed to be with. I've known that it was Beverly for years, I've just been waiting for her. All too soon it became necessary for us to breathe. She leaned back and pillowed her head on my arm again, breathing heavily.

She reached up and stroked my face gently. "I'm sorry, Jean-Luc." she said. I felt like someone had poured ice water in my heart. After what we just shared she was going to back off to nothing more than friendship again? I wasn't sure I could stand it after that earth-shattering kiss. I remained still. I could not let her see my distress, if she needed more time then somehow I would endure. "I've kept you waiting so long. I was scared. My feelings for you are so great even while we were just friends, it scared me. If I love you this much and fear losing you so terribly, then how much worse would it be if we were more than friends? It was the worst thing I've ever gone through when Jack died, I didn't want to face the possibility of going through anything like that, quite likely even worse than that, ever again. But, I was cheating us. What I feel in my nightmares of you being a borg is a profound sense of loss. You, Jean-Luc Picard, are gone and just because the borg Locutus looks like you means nothing, you were gone. I was grieving losing my close friend but more I was grieving losing you without really loving you like I wanted to. It was worse than anything I've ever felt. I'm not afraid to love you now, I hope you are ready to love me back."

I gave her another achingly sweet kiss and said, "Mon coeur, I believe that once you manage to break through your fears and show me the love you have for me you will find that I love you back just as much. I have for a long time."