Very often, at night, her dreams are of Carol. In a way, they have always been. She dreams of Carol when the blonde woman is holding her close in their bed. She dreams of Carol when she falls asleep alone, waiting for her to come and snuggle up against Therese.
She dreamt of Carol in the two excruciatingly painful months during which she had to learn to live without her. She dreamt of Carol in Waterloo after she had fallen asleep against her fair, naked skin, an ecstatic smile lingering on her face. She dreamt of Carol ten nights in a row after seeing her for the first time at Frankenberg's.
She had even dreamt of Carol before that. All the nights that her her dreams had been of happiness, of joy, of fulfilment, of love; all the nights her dreams had been of waves, of blue skies, of grey skies, of forests, of rain and of the sun; all of these nights, deep down, it had been of Carol she had dreamt. And all the other nights as well.
Recently some of her dreams had become more abstract and it took some time for Therese to realise that it was still of Carol she was dreaming. When such dreams gave her nights their tempo Therese usually saw Carol's eyes and dreamt in emotions rather than images.
A clear blue sky.
Carol's eyes calm, certain, strong.
Therese feels confidence. A confidence she never knew she could possess. Confidence in herself and in others. Confidence in her present and her future. Confidence in her own feelings and in those she could read in Carol's eyes. Confidence in the way she chose to live her life. Confidence in the love they share. Confidence in forever.
When she wakes up in the middle of the night Therese is not startled, she merely opens her eyes. She is calm. An imperceptible smile starts to form on her lips, for tonight she knows she can achieve anything. Tonight she knows that, for her, future means a lifetime of joy. Of this she is certain. She slowly turns her head and lets her eyes roam the peaceful face of the woman sleeping next to her. Smiling, Therese softly caresses her cheekbones, and though she is asleep a smile forms on Carol's lips. Therese feels stronger than emotion a reflection of Carol, of the bound they share. Strong, a reflection of their love.
A deep blue ocean, troubled by unrelenting waves.
Carol's eyes agitated, restless, lost.
Therese feels doubt. She doubts everything that her life has become. She doubts her happiness can last. She doubts she has talent. She doubts Carol's promise of never leaving her again. She doubts her right to this place in Carol's life. She doubts things can get better for them. She doubts she can make Carol happy. She doubts everything she is and ever was. She doubts everything she feels.
She jolts awake early in the morning, as if suddenly hit by a wave. Dawn has already started making its way and despite the room not being dark, Therese needs a few seconds to take in her surroundings. She has already woken up seven time in the last two hours. Only seldom does she have such an agitated sleep. She suddenly wants to cry. Looking at the ceiling, she plunges her mind into dark thoughts and wonders about her worth. Why does Carol love her when she has nothing to offer? How long will it be until her lover realises that she misses her daughter too much, that she has to leave again? Should Therese stay? Or should she release Carol? Will she ever make Carol happy? Will she ever be worth Carol's love? She closes her eyes and, restless, opens them again. A single tear escapes her eye and rolls down her cheek, and a soft hand slowly wipes it, caressing her face. Therese swallows hard, takes a deep breath and turns her head to the right. Her eyes meet Carol's immediately and she finds answers to all of her questions. She finds concern, but she also finds love, happiness and certitude. She allows herself to get lost in her lover's beautiful eyes and all her doubts vanish, as if washed up by the ocean.
Stars, a million promises on the night sky.
Carol's eye shining, breathtaking, infinite.
Therese feels beauty. As an artist she is always in search of beauty, striving to catch the unattainable. Her dream is made of beauty itself. Sometimes invisible but omnipresent. There is beauty in Carol's eyes and in her smile. Beauty in her touch. There is beauty when they make love at night or during the day. There is beauty in hiding, in the secret they share. There is beauty in their tears and in their fights. There is beauty in love. There is beauty in devotion, in sacrifice and in forgiveness. There is beauty in hate and in anger. Beauty in laughter, cries, moans and silences. Therese has learnt to realise that there is also beauty in herself.
When she wakes up she keeps both her eyes shut and tries to fall back asleep. She knows it is pointless, but she wants to dream forever. After a few minutes she slowly opens her eyes and turns to her side. She witnesses the first rays of sunlight shining on her lover's golden hair. She smiles, her eyes mirroring the way the sun shines. There is indeed beauty in this world. Carol begins to stir, the light and its warmth tickling her delicate skin. As she slowly moves into a more comfortable position, Therese watches every muscle in her lover's body, every inch of bare skin. The sheets, victims of gravity, suddenly fall, exposing Carol's ribcage and breasts. Therese's breath catches in her throat. She is only reminded to breathe by the sound of Carol's raspy chuckle. As their eyes meet, with their smiles matching and their hands meeting, Therese is struck by the realisation that beauty is everlasting. There is a smile in Carol's eyes and they light up with a thousand stars, a whole universe built up for them. Infinite.
A black hole.
Carol's eyes hateful, cold, crushing.
Therese feels emptiness. Nothingness is something she could never fathom. But it does exist. Her love for Carol is reduced to nothing when she abandons her. There was nothing said by Carol when Therese tried to call, not a sound. Nothing is what she was after waking up to Abby watching her. Nothing is what her life became when she returned to New York. Nothing is what she so desperately tried to feel for Carol. Nothing is what she convinced herself she was to Carol. Nothing is what she fears her life is leading to. Nothing is what she is afraid she is going to wake up to. Nothing is what she would be without Carol. Nothing is what she is.
When Therese wakes up she is alone in bed and she hates Carol. She hates Carol and she hates herself for hating her. She has no right to. She takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself. She slowly realises that what she is feeling is hurt. What she is feeling is fear. She turns towards the empty side of the bed and she feels abandoned. She feels cold. Slowly, she remembers that it is not hate she feels for Carol, it is love. Slowly, she remembers she is not alone, Carol is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. And maybe the sheets are not that cold after all. She gets up and walks towards her lover, stops in the doorframe and watches her back. Therese is afraid this cannot last. Therese is afraid they will become nothing once again, the fear crushing her, making her unable to move. When Carol notices her, she immediately sees the tears and the fear in the brunette's eyes. She quickly moves towards her, arms open wide, and collects the smaller woman in a reassuring embrace. Two celestial bodies crushing each other, merging together, forming eternity itself.
A waterfall, iridescent with the sunlight.
Carol's eyes a home, safe, unwavering.
Therese feels herself falling. She first thinks she is going to wake up with a jump, as she usually does when she dreams that she trips. But she just feels herself falling. Falling towards the ground, falling towards pain. Towards reality and realisation. She is falling through space, she is falling through the sky, grey, blue, purple, pink and red. She is falling through a rainbow, a thousand shades of colours, a million different emotions. She is falling with thunder and with rain. She is falling and does not know if she'll ever reach the ground. She does not know if she will ever stop falling. Maybe she has touched the sun and will soon fall into the bluest of seas. It would kill her, she knows. Maybe she is falling through an endless pit, maybe this is hell, which was promised to her. Maybe she is falling in love. She does not want to stop falling anymore. She wants to fall forever. Whether it is in love or in hell that she is falling, whether it is towards the ocean or whether she is merely falling through the sky for eternity, she wants to keep falling. She still prepares for the impact though, one never knows.
But the impact never comes, for when Therese opens her eyes, she is met by the bluest of skies, the calmest of oceans. Carol is right here beside her, eyes wide open, staring into hers. And suddenly Therese knows that her lover will always be here to catch her when she falls. Now wide wake, it is not in her dream that Therese falls, but in Carol's eyes. She sees her home there. She sees beauty, she sees grace. She sees laughter, smiles and kisses. She sees lovemaking, holidays and christmases. Carol pulls her against her naked body, takes her into her arms. Their eyes never leaving each other's. Therese knows her love is safe with Carol. She knows because in Carol's eyes she sees promises of eternity. Carol's eyes are not bue tonight, they are not grey. They are every colour of life, every shade of joy. The shades and colours she can see in them always vary, feelings and emotions are ever-changing. But there is one thing that is inherent to Carol's eyes, one thing that Therese always finds, and will witness there forever.
In Carol's eyes there is unwavering love.