DISCLAIMER: Not mine.
WARNINGS: idiocy, stereotyping, suggestive situations.
AGGRESSIVE FINGERS
"So why are we here, again?" Sasuke asked, looking around at the group of young ninja progeny milling aimlessly around the field like the mindless sheep that he privately believed them to be.
"I'm here because of the free punch and pie!" Chouji announced loudly, looking around obsessively for aforementioned confections. "But, there doesn't seem to be any. Oh, stomach! We have been betrayed!" He crouched down on the grass and wept inconsolably, his ample body shaking with each heaving sob.
"I'm here because when Chouji heard there was going to be free punch and pie, he ran here so quickly that I was sucked into his vortex and dragged along," Shikamaru explained, the leaves and random puppies and stuff stuck in his ponytail giving credence to his claim. It was uncomfortable, but Shikamaru was far too lazy to remove the puppies himself. One of them might bite him or something and that would be troublesome because then he'd have to WASH THE BITE and then LOOK FOR A BANDAGE and then PUT IT ON! It was far better to just leave the puppies alone and let them work their way free naturally. The only downside was that it made his head heavier than usual and thus his neck muscles had to work harder to hold it up, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make!
"I'm here because an anonymous letter invited me to participate in a conspiracy against the main house," Neji revealed. "I really hate the main house. Do you know what they make me eat for dinner? Grade AA meat! Those bastards in the main house get AAA meat while I clearly have superior ninja skills and thus have greater nutritional requirements-"
"I'm here because I got a coupon for free milk bones in the mail and the back said to come here to redeem it!" Kiba interrupted without even realizing he was interrupting because who ever listens to Neji! "I really… I mean, Akamaru really likes milk bones!"
Akamaru barked affirmation, but Kiba was the only one who cared. Unless you cared. Then you AND Kiba cared!
"I'm here for mysterious reasons that I do not feel like sharing," Shino said, but no one listened because no one even noticed he was there. Poor Shino! Maybe if he took off his sunglasses he would have more friends. Or maybe they would still avoid him because of those crazy bugs. But, whatever! I think your bugs are sexy, Shino! (1)
"I'm here because Gai-sensei told me I'd have to run ten million laps around the village if I didn't show up!" Lee exclaimed. "I'm here, but I'm going to run twenty million laps anyway just to become stronger!" No one responded because have you SEEN this kid's eyebrows!
"I'm here because I followed YOU, Sasuke!" Naruto yelled like a fool. "I just knew you were going to a secret training meeting and I followed you to prove that I'm a better ninja than you!" He made no sense, but since he never did everyone just nodded like he was coherent or at least semi-intelligible and thus justified his existence and made him happy and hooray for run-on sentences!
"I'm here because I'm handcuffed to Kakashi," Sasuke said sourly.
"Yo!" Kakashi smiled his best I'm-Friendly smile that was still kind of creepy in a perverted sort of way. "I'm here because I heard they were giving away free copies of the latest issue of 'Flirting Paradise'."
"I'm here because I am handcuffed to Kakashi's other arm," said Asuma. He was covered head to toe in Nicorette patches. There were even a few on his face.
"Are you trying to quit smoking?" Kiba asked, pretending like he cared when he was only trying to make conversation to take his mind off the fact that there were NO MILK BONES TO BE HAD!1
"No," said Asuma.
"Why are you guys handcuffed together, anyway?" Naruto asked, scratching his head like he had fleas or something. But, don't worry! He definitely didn't have fleas because he'd done a real good job of avoiding Akamaru since the last time.
"Hi-mit-su!" (2) winked Kakashi. Sasuke glared and Asuma slapped another Nicorette patch on his arm.
"So why are they here?" Sasuke asked, pointing his free hand towards a bush that was pulsating oddly. As everyone turned to look (except Lee because he was too busy practicing his drunken master moves), the bush stopped moving for a second. Then:
"EYE CANDY!" squealed the bush.
Naruto preened. "I am pretty damned hot."
"NOT YOU!" screamed the bush. Then:
"Stop shoving me, Ino-pig!" a single voice demanded.
"Shut up! There's no room for anyone else back here with that huge forehead of yours taking up all the space!" a second voice hissed.
"I like shiny things!" a third voice interjected arbitrarily.
"SHUT UP, TENTEN! Can't you see we're trying to argue!" voices one and two combined to overpower voice three and since one plus two equals three and three equals three, they were even and all the voices cancelled out and then the bush was quiet! Oh, wait. It doesn't work like that, does it? Actually, voices one and two just made voice three really mad and then all three voices got much louder. Everyone backed away from the bush slowly, lest they become coated in any stray estrogen once the violence ensued because they could just tell it was going to.
"This is so lame," moaned Shikamaru. He yawned hugely as one of the puppies managed to free itself from his hair and leapt to the ground, making a beeline back towards town. "Lucky bastard," he muttered, watching it as it ran. He wished he could go back to town, but that involved WALKING. And walking EFFORT.
"This is stupid," Neji groused. "I'm going home. I don't need any help to overthrow the Main House, anyway, because I am Neji! HEAR ME ROAR!" He didn't really roar because he's far too cool for that, but he at least THOUGHT about doing it. As he thought about his mad, secret roaring skills, he started to stalk off the field, but stopped when he came face to face with the shiny expanse of green spandex commonly known as Gai.
"Hello, my impressively revenge-minded student!" Gai grinned, his teeth more blinding than the sight of Michael Moore's naked ANYTHING. He turned his attention to the rest of the group. "Hello, my brethren!"
"WE'RE NOT YOUR BRETHREN!" shouted just about everybody, simultaneously turning around to stare angrily at him.
Gai pretended not to hear and launched into a loud proclamation. "I have come before you to stand behind you and tell you something I know nothing about!"
"How is that any different than usual?" mumbled Neji.
"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee hollered, throwing himself at his beloved teacher. Gai neatly sidestepped and Lee got a big face full of grass, but, he didn't care because he was the epitome of youthfulness and stuff and besides, chlorophyll is good for you!
"Curb your youthful tendencies and listen, for I, Gai, have come to teach you!" the exuberant jounin proclaimed, striking his patented Nice-Guy pose.
"Teach me, oh great one!" begged Lee, kowtowing before him. The other genin just kind of stood around and ogled at his impressive lack of pride. Except Shikamaru, because he was watching the clouds go by and there was one that looked just like a WOMBAT! WOW!
"YOSH!" Gai grinned. "This is a very important exercise for it will help we teachers learn how to better instruct you!"
"Then shouldn't Kurenai be here?" Asuma asked around the fifty bajillion cigarettes sticking out of his mouth. On the other side of Kakashi, Sasuke was coughing pointedly and utilizing his Glare-o-Doom, but no one noticed because the cloud of smoke was too thick.
"Kurenai?" Gai frowned. "I could have sworn I sent her an invitation…"
"Uh, sorry! I'm here, I'm here!" Kurenai emerged from the Estrogen Bush and scurried over. "I was just… breaking up the fight between the girls. You know how they can get!"
"Ahh, puberty," lamented Gai. "Your vile grasp has ruined many a promising female ninja. But, not my Tenten!"
"I like shiny things!" Tenten announced from the bushes.
"Very good, Tenten! Good job keeping your mind on the prize!" Gai complimented her. "But, why are you here and hiding in the bushes with the other girls?"
"EYE CANDY!" the bush screamed again.
Gai nodded. "Ahh, I see. I am pretty sexy, aren't I?"
"NOT YOU!" shrieked the bush.
"Can we just get on with this?" whined Neji. Behind him Chouji opened up a big bag of potato chips and started munching away. Kiba tried to steal some, but since they were Ruffles and you can't eat just one and he was afraid that Kiba would wind up eating THE ENTIRE BAG, Chouji snapped at his hand and deterred any potato chip stealing efforts. And then Kiba was sad.
"Alright, you talented young ninjas, you!" Gai shouted. "In order for us to teach you more better, you need to listen to me and do exactly what I say!"
"Haaaaaaaaai," droned the group.
"Now everybody stand side-by-side in a straight line!" Gai ordered.
"Haaaaaaaai," droned the group as they complied with his directions. The girls emerged from the bush and joined the boys in the line. Ino and Sakura both ran to stand next to Sasuke, but were deterred by the Evil Cloud of Lung Cancer being emitted by Asuma. They decided to stand at the other end of the line, but not next to each other!
"Asuma! Kakashi! Why are you standing in line with the students!" gasped Gai. "Are you submitting to my overwhelming superiority at long last?"
"Huh?" Kakashi mumbled.
"Sasuke is a student and since we're both attached to him, we have to stand in line, too," explained Asuma. "But, we stood on the end of the line so you can just pretend it ends with Sasuke."
"That thinking is somewhat brilliant and it pisses me off!" Gai frowned. "I should have expected such from you, my rival!"
"Huh?" Kakashi mumbled. Gai twitched, but decided to get on with things before Neji wet himself. The poor kid was shifting back and forth from leg to leg, doing the special shuffle known worldwide as the Bathroom Dance. What Gai didn't know was, Neji didn't have to pee! One of Shino's bugs had crawled up his shorts and he was trying to get it out without having to literally stick his hands down his underwear! WHAT WAS HE GOING TO DO!
"ALRIGHT!" Gai yelled crazily. "Let's get started! Everyone raise your right hand!"
Everyone raised their right hand.
"Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Just hold on while I pull out my Magic Ninja Ruler," Gai requested, sticking his hand inside his jumpsuit and feeling around. "AH HA! Found it!" he smirked, beginning to withdraw his hand.
"EEEEEEK!" shrieked Ino and Sakura. "PERVERT!" They ran hastily back to their bush, dragging Tenten along with them.
Gai scratched his head. "Whatever! We don't need them for this anyway! This is an activity just for us men!" He pulled a ruler out of his jumpsuit and held it proudly towards the sky.
The so-called men all exchanged bewildered glances.
"Whatever we're doing, Gai-sensei, I'll be the best at it!" Naruto yelled randomly.
"Kurenai, please hold this clipboard for me," Gai requested, pulling said clipboard out of thin air! "Write down the measurements I am about to read."
"Okay," she said. "Should I close my eyes?'
"How are you going to write with your eyes closed?" Naruto yelled.
"I'm surprised at you, Naruto," said Kakashi. "That was very logical."
"There will be no closing of eyes!" Gai ordered, moving towards Kiba who was at the beginning of the line. "Now, Kiba, hold your hand still!" He held his Magic Ninja Ruler up against Kiba's hand.
"BARK!" said Akamaru.
"Write this down, Kurenai. Kiba, a third of an inch!" Gai moved down the line to the next person who was SHINO! "Shino, one fourth of an inch!"
"I object to this entire event," said Shino. "It has been a waste of my time and furthermore, now I've even lost a bug!"
"I found your bug, Shino," said Neji. "Now get it out of my clothes or else!"
"Or else, what?" asked Shino with eyes narrowed behind his Helen Keller sunglasses. He did recall the bug, though, but only because it was Archibald and Archibald was one of his favorites!
"Or else I'll bust open a can of Raid on your ass!" Neji glared, clutching his hands into fists.
"As if someone as scrawny as you could possibly harm me," Shino scoffed.
"That's it!" shouted Neji. "CHICKEN LEGS NO JUTSU!"
"Neji!" said Gai, grabbing him hastily, "you have lowered your hand! Please raise it once more so that I might perform my task of measuring it!"
Neji complied, reluctantly abandoning his fight with Shino. Shino looked smug as if he had won, but Neji knew that really HE had been the one to win. He took that fact and horded it deep inside his dark little heart, right next to the memories of ripping the heads off of Hinata's Ninja Barbies when they were little.
"Neji, half an inch," said Gai, looking a little disturbed and moving quickly on to the next student, who was Naruto! He stared at Naruto, considering for a few seconds, before moving right on past.
"You forgot to measure my hand, Eyebrows!" Naruto shouted insultingly.
"I didn't forget," said Gai. "This won't work for you."
"WHY THE HELL NOT?"
"You're too stupid. Moving on, now!" Gai smiled and happily measured Chouji's hand as Naruto blustered about noisily, doing nothing but proving that he was, in fact, a bit on the slow side.
"Chouji, zero!" Kurenai wrote it down as Chouji resumed eating his Ruffles. Gai continued down the line.
"Shikamaru, NEGATIVE three-eighths of an inch!" Gai frowned. "That should not be physically possible, but moving on! Sasuke, one eighth of an inch!"
"This is stupid," said Sasuke.
"Like anyone will listen to you with a measurement like THAT," scoffed Gai.
Sasuke ignored him.
"Why are we doing this, anyway?" asked Kiba. "What are you going to learn just by measuring our fingers?"
"Oh, you are breaking my heart!" Gai melodramatically sobbed. "Do you mean to inform me that you are all woefully ignorant of current events?"
Everyone shrugged. Gai looked appalled. Shikamaru yawned. Kakashi stared blankly at whatever Kakashi stares blankly at. Asuma put on another Nicorette patch. Naruto stormed around the field angrily. Neji scratched a bug bite on his chicken leg. Chouji finished his bag of chips. Kiba petted Akamaru on the head. Shino did Shino-ish things. Kurenai drew cute little ninja ferrets on the clipboard. Sasuke stewed in his frustration. Ino peered hawkishly through the bush. Sakura tried to steal her spot. Tenten stared at the shiny ruler Gai held. Hinata –who was also in the bush, but was so quiet no one even knew!- continued to be really quiet. Lee did a random set of push-ups. And this all happened AT THE SAME TIME!
"Well," said Gai, "scientists recently found a new way to measure physical aggression in men. They discovered that the longer a man's ring finger is compared to his pointer finger, the more aggressive he is! So I thought that if we measured your hands, we could find out who was the most aggressive and sedate… give him special training!"
"Oooo," said Lee. "I'll bet Naruto is the most aggressive! He tries to solve everything with violence!"
"No," Gai shook his head. "It won't work for Naruto. His physical aggression is the result of a lack of common sense and/or sheer idiocy."
"Dead last," muttered Sasuke.
"I HEARD THAT!" shouted Naruto, but everyone pretended like he didn't exist. He would have been saddened by this, but Iruka randomly popped out of the Estrogen Bush and took him off to get ramen! What were you doing in the bush anyway, Iruka?
"If I could have the clipboard, Kurenai, I will read off the results!" said Gai. He took the clipboard and briefly admired her little ferret drawings before announcing his conclusions. "Least aggressive is Shikamaru! Shikamaru is so non-aggressive that he had a NEGATIVE measurement!"
"Hoorah," said Shikamaru.
"Next to last is Chouji! His fingers were exactly the same length! This means that Chouji has a balanced personality."
"AND a balanced diet!" said Chouji, eating a package of ho-hos.
"Sure," said Gai. "Third to last is Sasuke! Some things piss him off, but mostly he's too apathetic to get aggressive!"
"I dislike a lot of things," said Sasuke, "but hating requires caring and I've lost the ability to do that."
"Good for you!" said Gai. "In fourth place was Lee! Oh, my beloved Lee! You have a healthy amount of aggression! I am so proud of you!"
"SENSEI!" Lee shouted gleefully.
"LEE!"
"SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
"SENSEI!" Lee leaped towards his teacher, but Gai neatly sidestepped and… you know the rest.
Gai cleared his throat. "In third place is Shino. Shino is moderately aggressive, but since he's usually too busy being off-screen, he doesn't get many opportunities to show it!"
"I like to hide underneath rocks," said Shino. "It's nice and cool there."
"That's swell," said Gai. "In second place is Kiba! Kiba attacks a lot of things with little provocation, but he is also capable of running away and hiding like a little girl!"
"SHUT UP!" shouted Kiba. Akamaru jumped out of his coat and ran over to Gai, snipping at his leg warmers. Gai laughed and ignored him because he weighed about three pounds. No, really he weighed eleven and a half pounds, but that is an insignificant detail with no relation to this story!
"And finally, in first place," Gai announced, "is NEJI! Neji is so aggressive he sometimes even scares me, his beloved teacher! Recently he's been working on a new jutsu whose very name should strike fear into the hearts of ninja everywhere! It is a masterful attack that makes use of his pitifully underdeveloped physique…"
"CHICKEN LEGS NO JUTSU!" screamed Neji, demonstrating his swellerific new attack.
Everyone screamed and ran away. Except Kakashi because he hadn't been paying attention. He was just dragged away when Sasuke and Asuma fled.
Why WERE they handcuffed together, anyway?
THE END
Footnotes
(1) No, I don't.
(2) Super-cute way of saying, "secret!"
This is based on a real study that you can read about here: http: double backslash www dot jhunewsletter dot com backslash vnews backslash display dot v backslash ART backslash 2005 backslash 03 backslash 11 backslash 42309118b95b06