"You don't have to do this." She has lost count of the occurrences that phrase and similes of them had been said in the last five days. He gives a weak smile and keeps on packing up one of the cases they had been given permission to have.
"I do. I need this." She doesn't ask for further explanation. With him and between the two of them words and verbal exchange of feelings were rarely needed. It was that reason she was going to miss him desperately.
"It won't be the same without you. You know that right?" Once more he nods finding himself unable to look at her. Which was now a common occurrence. For a layer of reasons.
"You'll be fine. I know he's an obnoxious twit but I do think Murphy will be well." She groans hearing the name. She wasn't denying the statement she saw the potential too in the delinquent, already his skills and natural abilities were apparent. Only if the obnoxious twit part had been a falsehood.
"It'll be years before he's properly trained.' She steps nearer to him takes a risk and grips his upper arm stilling his movements. He turns and they find the tears in their eyes matched. 'I am really going to miss you Jackson."
"I am going to miss you too Abby." In unison both sets of tears begin to fall. Who went in for the embrace first nobody could or would be willing to say. Abby holds him tightly a hybrid embrace of a good friend and surrogate mother. Jackson was never just her apprentice, never just a fellow doctor, there were only a handful of people she cared for at this genuine level. She allows him to end the contact and he does after a few moments.
"I won't be half the man I am without you. Thank you."
"I am still pissed that you're leaving but I respect the decision and I couldn't be more proud of you."
"This is why we returned to the ground. Not just to live but to thrive and reclaim it right?' Abby nods. 'And if they are looking for healers and engineers we need to take the chance and go."
"But it's so far. For so long…" Jackson laughs.
"I'll be fine. You'll be fine. And hey remember you got Murphy!" She swats him across the chest.
"Don't remind me!"
"No." Is all she says turning abruptly and quickly walking away, or quick as she could master. Abby chuckles the all too familiar emotionless smile returning.
"Raven you don't have to go." She knew like with Jackson her words were being wasted. More so now, never had Abby encountered someone more stubborn, headstrong, and a hurricane on sunny days than Raven Reyes. Only Clarke was a near second in determination.
"Yes I do. I need this." The young lady at last turns from the end of the hallway to have a proper conversation. Abby finds herself unsurprised the explanation was the same of what Jackson had given. She suspected every single one of the volunteers to depart on this mission were partially looking for adventure, to be able to thrive, but the larger and kept silent past was they were looking for atonement for taking the chip. They had all lost a piece of themselves and while this journey won't fill the hole perhaps it would still allow for some type of salvation. As a doctor despite the losses personal and professional Abby couldn't fault the ideal.
"I know. I won't be doing my job as your friend if I didn't try right?"
"Yeah I suppose. Don't worry Arkadia is in good hands. Because Monty and Jasper both know if anything malfunctions and gets fucked up on their watch I will kick their asses!" Abby had no doubt she meant every word of that.
"We'll be fine. The question is will you be?" She clears the distance between them. Raven rolls her eyes before looking down. A defense mechanism Abby was all too well familiar with.
"Just one day at a time. Those exercises really help."
"Good. I am glad to hear that. But I am not just talking about the leg." Raven shrugs and mutters something.
"Like I said it's one day at a time. I need to finish up a few things ok?"
"Ok." Her urge is to engulf her in a hug. She knows Raven isn't willing to open herself to that. The anger and internal hate caused by Alie and Jaha came in waves; at this moment it was a tsumami. Her Jackson was now a wounded animal afraid to look at her. Raven ran and avoided at every turn. They all had similar stories and reactions. Abby really did hope they could find that salvation.
"I should be going with them." Marcus softly says his words only intended for himself as he watched the one the humvees being packed up.
"I can't…" He spins around his heart ripping at Abby's face she makes no move to hide the hurt and fear.
"Abby. I…"
"I can't lose you too. I need you to stay here." He nods never did he imagine anyone having such pure love and desperation for him. Not this type of love.
"I'm not going. I promise. You're stuck with me."
"David Miller will make sure everything and everyone is safe." She is aware she is the only reason he hadn't volunteered. Much like everyone who had volunteered he was seeking a cleansing of his soul. A fresh start. A new focus. He was willing to break away from everything here and just run. Except for her. He couldn't walk away from her. And she couldn't leave; there was always a need for a doctor. So they both were to remain.
"I have no doubt about that."
"Kane!" A voice calls out rushing up despite the urgency in the word the one speaking was calm, relaxed.
"What is it Spencer?"
"Turns out Richards can't drive we need another one. Got anyone in mind?" Marcus turns to Abby. She can't help herself laughing at his sheepish smile.
"Go. I'm willing to lose you for a few days not over a year." There was to be a convoy of five vehicles packed with the supplies and the thirty who stepped up for the mission along with drivers for each of the humvees. They'd travel to the oceans edge and be meet by Luna and from there the thirty would depart and the five would return back home.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. So I guess you get to go with them after all. Well in a way."
"Sir Miller wants to head back by the end of the hour. We're almost ready to go." Marcus nods.
"Thank you Spencer." Spencer turns and retreats from the direction he had come. The area begins to crowd with people. Goodbyes, hugs, tears, pleads from those not going and like Abby trying one last effort for a turnabout. No one does and once the supplies are settled the individuals climb in. There didn't seem to be plan who was where. Once one was full it was on the next Humvee.
"Jackson wait!" She yells out as he starts to step into the third one.
"Abby. You'll be fine. I'll be fine."
"I know.' She chuckles and hugs him firmly. 'I love you."
"I love you too. And…I'm sorry." Around here for the last few weeks you didn't ask for explanations over the word sorry. They all knew what they were for and about.
"It's okay. We're all okay.' She lets go whipping away a tear. 'Be safe. Have fun."
"You too. Don't forget to relax occasionally okay?"
"Dr. Abigail Griffin take time to relax? Are we talking about the same Abigail Griffin?" They unison turn to Raven as she grinned at them shuffling a bag.
"Raven. I was hoping to see you before leaving."
"Well here I am. Is there still room?" She questions Jackson who peers into the back of the vehicle and counts the remaining seats.
"Yeah we're good." He replies unable or unwilling perhaps to look at her. Abby can see him tense up his wounded animal persona returning.
"I'm gonna get in. Bye Abby." They allow for one last hug.
"Bye Jackson. May we meet again."
"We will." Raven remains in front of her.
"Don't forget how strong you are. How proud I am of you. You deserve every ounce of happiness and joy. And God Raven I hope you find it." More tears form and fall. Raven's chin starts to quaver.
"Abby I'm sorry." Another sorry with nothing given after or sought for.
"It's okay Raven. It's okay." She takes the risk and pulls her into the hug; the tight hold in return allows her to know it was the right move. They allow their silence to say everything.
"Are you we all settled?" David Miller yells out as he surveyed the scene. The two pull apart.
"Jackson's right you know. Don't forget to relax. You deserve just as much happiness if not more."
"I'll try. I promise."
"Don't try. Hey I'm sure Kane here can help." She says with a wink as the man came jogging over. Abby blushes.
"It's time to go."
"You driving?" Raven questions.
"Looks like it."
"Raven I love you."
"I know. May we meet again."
"We will." With that she climbs in taking the final seat.
"Have a safe trip. And be careful." Marcus nods.
"I'll see you in a few days. I love you."
"I love you too."
Raven places her bag in the area underneath her seat before falling into it. She gives a curt nod to her fellow passengers. With the exception of Jackson and Kane she only knew the other three in passing at best. She knew she didn't feel like chatting and sharing memories mixed with confessions as to why they were leaving; she could tell the same thoughts were seizing through them.
"We're off." Marcus announces the obvious as he places the humvee into drive pulling behind the group with their place in the middle. He catches Abby's eye they exchange a little nod and a smile before she turns to walk back inside of the camp. He watches from the side mirror Jasper Jordan rushing out followed by a hey! When Abby psychically stops him is when the distant becomes too great and he can only surmises what is happening. He knew Jasper wasn't on the list to go. Even if he wanted to Abby felt his depression and frailness being was too much to allow for it. Marcus knew he wasn't the only to be red lighted, some never knowing they had been. He looks into the rear-view mirror at his load of passengers; Raven. Jasper likely had missed saying goodbye to Raven.
"He'll be fine." She says softly. He had been unaware she had caught any of the scene.
"He's gonna miss you."
"He'll be fine." She repeats in a tone Marcus has a clear understanding the conversation is closed and turns his attention back on the road ahead of him. Besides his attention of the road he turns to another familiar thought Abby. These few days would be the longest since he had been apart from her. He knew eventually it would happen and it would happen again and for longer duration of time. But the ache was something he wasn't used to. He wonders if the feeling would ever fade; with a smirk he knew the answer is no. After Alie and all that chaos and shit there had been an urgency from almost all effected that life was precious and could be taken away at moments notice; even if that loss of control was mental. It wasn't that their desires, feelings, and memories had been ripped open for all to have an understanding of; they were now willing to share them and face them. Well almost everyone.
[quick note from the author - skipping ahead a few days just imagine traveling and quiet retrospective thoughts during that period]
Jackson continues to unpack the crate as he had been doing for the last hour he would have been done earlier but feared one large wave and down in a pile of broken glass would come all the bottles and needed medicines so he kept moving things back and forth. Doubting every decision he came up with. If Abby was here she'd have figured out almost immediately. He sighs falling into the single chair; if this was to be a clinic he'd have to see about at least one one chair he thinks to himself with a slight nod.
"Why are you unpacking them?" Jackson jerks his head up Raven stood leaning against the door frame.
"Excuse me?"
"Just seems stupid to me. We're gonna be traveling across the ocean. Unexpected waves? Seems you're taking a risk by trusting these shelves and cabinets." She enters the small space running her fingers across one of the cabinets in question.
"I realize that but I need my supp…"
"Keep them in the crates. Plus that way once we arrive you won't have to repack everything." Raven interrupts. Jackson smirks giving a humph over her suggestion. So not only Abby would figure it out but also Raven.
"That's not a bad idea. Thanks." He gives a tiny smile, she shrugs not returning one.
"You're welcome.' She remains for a few seconds saying nothing more and still chipping at the flaking paint on the cabinet. 'Yeah alright I'm off."
"Raven."
"Yeah what is it?" He searches his memory bank of collection of words and phrases he knew in attempt to find the best ones to continue the conversation with.
"I'm sorry." The old classic standard. She shrugs as if in a showing that she didn't care, but the look in her eyes said much more.
"I don't blame you Jackson. I blame Alie." Jackson had enough empathy and the ability as a doctor to read people to know she didn't mean that. She did blame him.
"Raven…"
"We don't have to talk about it." He knew they did. Knew they both would have to face the moment and event head on; it was the only way. But not now. Before he can say anything she has walked off her limp becoming more pronounced. He wonders what will be harder; getting her to face what happened between them or her revealing the pain is worsening?
Raven closes the doors to her new quarters. Better put..to her new broom closet. There was enough room for a bed, a table a chair to go with it and that was more or less it. It worked though she didn't need a lot of room. Even if she did she would've been out of luck. She sits down on the corner of the bed and begins to buckle the hooks to her brace. She had a love hate relationship with the damn thing; much like nearly everything in her life it seemed.
"Damn." She mutters out loud rubbing at the now free leg. The pain hadn't been this intense in awhile. It was this level of pain that helped break her down and fall for the wonders of what Jaha had been selling. Abby told her nothing would ever rid it completely, always would it be there, a comforting thought! The exercises and little tricks Raven had picked up over the months helped. Not always. Some days like this it felt as if she was offered a chance again even if knowing her mind and freewill would be stolen away…if it took away this pain she may have done it.
Raven had considered asking for some medicine for a temporary relief. Though she had been warned her body was becoming accustom to it and not long would come the day drinking the solution would have the same effect as drinking water. For now it still worked. Even if that meant speaking to Jackson. She had plenty of people asking, begging, demanding she not go and each one she ignored and they didn't push the issue too hard. They understood. Respected the decision. The one thing that nearly made her request her name be removed from the list was the learned knowledge he was going too. But she couldn't let that stop her. Couldn't let those moments of horror he orchestrated haunt her forever.
For a moment Raven almost forgot what had done upon watching him fumble with the decor of his office. At least it was a larger than a broom closet. Even gave him advice of what to her was a very obvious decision. It was when he apologized; as if deserved that?! The anger came rushing back and for a moment the leg didn't scream as much. Only when half way gone it came back full force.