"And I can't ask for things to be still again. No, I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes, longing for home again. Home is a feeling I've buried in you. I'm alright, I'm alright. It only hurts when I breathe."
~Breathe, Melissa Etheridge
Kensi was halfway to the bathroom, change of clothes in hand, before Callen and Sam were out the door. She turned on the shower as quickly as she could, barely masking the sound of the first sob that ripped from her chest. It had been a long, emotional couple of days. She was exhausted and her defenses were down. Aside from yelling at Deeks in the garage she hadn't been able to release any of the pent-up anger, frustration, fear-she didn't even know what she was feeling anymore-but it was coming out in the tears that streamed down her face as she stepped under the surprisingly strong spray.
She tried to let the hot water relax her tense muscles, but her mind wouldn't let her unwind. It kept bringing her back to yesterday. Mosley had been out of control, but Kensi couldn't really blame her. They'd all gone rogue when a case hit too close to home, and a woman's child was as close as it got. Firing Deeks was a knee-jerk reaction that Kensi was pretty sure Hetty would be able to reverse, assuming Deeks even wanted to come back.
And that was far from certain. Kensi hadn't been surprised to hear Deeks voice his opinion that getting fired might not be a bad thing. She knew he was always looking beyond his career at LAPD and NCIS, but she hadn't really understood how serious he was until he walked them into the bar a few weeks ago. What had always seemed like a "one day" scenario suddenly became "one day sooner than later." But not immediate. After all, it would take the better part of a year, if not longer, to get the bar into shape, up to code, and ready to open.
Which was why it stunned Kensi when Deeks suggested this mission be their last one. Their last one. Even when he'd talked about his next professional move, Deeks had never pressured her to leave NCIS. Hell, he'd once said he would never ask her to quit because he recognized it was selfish. But he'd asked her to think about it, and she had. She could easily see a life with Deeks and their children after NCIS, the little mutant ninja assassins he'd been calling them for years. Where he envisioned a daughter first, she always pictured a son. But she consistently fell short in trying to figure out when she would want to have that family and what she would do for work when she finally did.
She didn't think she could be a stay-at-home mother, but she also couldn't imagine what else she would do for a living if she wasn't a federal agent. When Deeks asked her yesterday for a definite date to end her career and start a family, Kensi realized she couldn't give him one. She couldn't predict when she would be ready to become a mother. Could anyone? Why would she stop working at a job she loved, one that saved lives and that she excelled at until then?
Getting nowhere with her thoughts and having shed all the tears she could for now, Kensi quickly washed up. She shut off the water and grabbed a towel, drying her face first and hoping Deeks wouldn't be able to tell she'd been crying. She knew it upset him when she did, and she didn't want to put that burden on him too.
It broke Kensi's heart that she couldn't give Deeks what he wanted last night. It would take her a long time to get over the fact that she was responsible for that look of devastation on his face. He had always been completely supportive of her, and she knew she was letting him down by not being able to commit to a specific timeline for leaving NCIS and having kids. But was it fair to either of them for her to leave her job now? She was afraid that if she couldn't get pregnant (after all, some couples just couldn't conceive and never knew why—she ran a lot, was exposed to more gunpowder than most women, and had high levels of stress—what if any of those could affect fertility?) she would end up resenting Deeks because she left NCIS for nothing.
Exiting the bathroom, their room was quiet. Kensi immediately saw Deeks on one bed, his back to her, and wondered if he wanted to keep his distance. She stood and watched for any sign that he was awake. The tension in his body was his only tell. Undecided about where she should sleep, Kensi perched herself on the side of the other bed and waited to see if Deeks would say anything. When nearly a minute passed with no activity, Kensi called out to him.
"Deeks?" She said it quietly, to give him an out in case he really didn't want to deal with her.
"Yeah?" He sounded so tired. Tired physically. Tired of the situation. Tired of her?
Afraid of his answer, she asked the question anyway, "Do you want the bed to yourself?"
"Do you?" Now his words held an edge, she thought. As if he didn't want to assume anything about her motivations anymore. The implications of that disheartened her further.
"Not particularly, no."
Relief flooded her veins when Deeks turned over and held up the blanket in response. Taking her cue from the tone of his voice, Kensi kept to the opposite side of the bed. She was tempted to reach out to him physically but doubted it would be welcome. She settled for lying on her back, knowing sleep wouldn't come easily.
They needed to talk, but now was not the time. Not before a difficult mission, and not when the outcome of their discussion wasn't certain. That she couldn't predict what would happen as a result of that talk terrified her. But Kensi needed even the barest reassurance if she was going to get any shut-eye tonight.
"Are we going to be okay, Deeks?" she ventured, praying she wasn't about to make matters worse.
"I don't know, Kens. I sure as hell hope so. But I don't know."
Kensi blinked back tears. She'd expected a more optimistic answer from Deeks but at least he seemed willing to work it out. She held on to that glimmer of hope and offered, "Can we talk when we get home? When we're calmer and not so tired we'll figure this out, right?"
"Sure. We always do, don't we?" He didn't sound convinced, and that worried her beyond belief. Kensi's breath hitched in her chest, the pain physical.
She wished he was more confident, and again fought back tears. She'd done this to him, Kensi recognized. She'd sapped the fire and the fight from the person she loved more than life itself. If she opened her mouth and just let the words come out, Kensi would apologize and agree to quit as soon as they got back to LA so they could spend the next few months planning their wedding and trying to get pregnant. But Kensi also recognized that if she made those promises, she would regret them soon enough. And then where would they be?
No, she was right to tell him that she wouldn't lie to him and wouldn't compromise herself. They would find some sort of middle ground. What that would be she had no idea, but they would do it. Wouldn't they?
They needed to talk. She'd tried on the plane and then earlier today, but Deeks had been less than receptive. Kensi mentally kicked herself for walking away from him last night. He had been willing to talk then, but as soon as he gave her that ultimatum, she couldn't listen anymore.
Kensi supposed she could write it off as falling back into old habits. Deeks probably would, because he knew her better than she knew herself. He would understand that when he said they shouldn't get married it triggered a fear in her so deep-seated that she immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was leaving her, like all the other men in her life had. Like Jack, the first fiancé she hadn't been able to give what he needed.
She had stalked back into the mission after leaving him behind in the garage and immediately headed for the shooting range, where she worked off some of her frustration. Deeks deserved more than her over-emotional assumptions, Kensi knew. With the gift of hindsight and a much calmer mind, Kensi had been able to replay their argument and realized that Deeks hadn't in fact threatened to leave her if she didn't leave NCIS. He (rightfully, she could admit to herself) suggested they shouldn't get married until they were on the same page about their future. Right or not, the sentiment still hit her like a punch to the gut.
Later, while she was reviewing the same aerial images Deeks had been studying when their conversation started, it struck Kensi that he was at home while she was at work, and she had no idea how or what he was doing. She'd wondered if that was how it was going to be from now on; each of them only able to guess at what the other was up to at any given time because they were no longer partners. The thought saddened her greatly then as it did now.
Kensi had worked without Deeks by her side before and she could do it again, but she didn't want to. She really did love being his partner in the field, but would she sacrifice being his partner in life to—to what, exactly? Deeks was ready to quit; she would lose him in the field soon enough anyway. Was she willing to give up both partnerships if she refused to compromise herself? Was Deeks? Were they seriously considering walking away from their dream of a family and a forever together because she wasn't ready to give up her job just yet?
Kensi needed to shut off her brain. She was thinking in circles and getting nowhere. She wouldn't be able to make these decisions without knowing Deeks' thoughts and plans and she wouldn't have those until after they rescued Mosley's son tomorrow and they could finally sit down to talk. They needed to be in top form for all of it, and that required sleep. Kensi looked over at Deeks, hoping he was getting some rest, but his face didn't have that beautiful, peaceful look she usually observed in his slumber.
Rolling onto her side toward him, Kensi propped her head on her hand and studied him for a while, again wanting nothing more than to touch him. She craved the feel of his skin against hers. They rarely fell asleep without some part of their bodies touching. Maybe that would help.
As if reading her thoughts, Deeks' eyes opened. He kept them locked on the ceiling for nearly a minute before Kensi caught him sneaking a peek at her. "You can't sleep either?" she asked softly.
He shook his head, "We really need to."
Kensi couldn't agree more. She took her chance, "I know something that might help."
"What's that?" He sounded curious, and she didn't need any more encouragement.
Kensi moved his arm out of the way and nestled herself against him, her head on his chest. She inhaled quickly before laying her arm across his toned stomach and snaking her hand under his shirt like she normally did. Her leg instinctively drew up and rested on his. She let her breath out slowly and relaxed, soothed by both the sound of his heartbeat and the feel of his warm skin.
It took a few seconds, but eventually Deeks responded in kind. Kensi almost shivered when he ran his hand along her arm and gripped her just tightly enough to tell her that he needed this too. His other hand landed on her waist and moved her shirt aside to find its home on her bare flesh. She heard him draw a deep breath and felt the tension in his body begin to subside.
Kensi almost told Deeks that she loved him, a habit that had over the years become a natural reaction to being in his arms, particularly when they were on the edge of sleep. But she was hesitant, unsure if he would return the sentiment. She loved Deeks more than anything in the world, and Kensi knew in her heart that he still loved her, despite their suddenly uncertain future together. But the gift of those words may be more than he was able to give her tonight. Realizing Deeks' breathing had deepened and evened out, Kensi thought he'd already fallen asleep.
"I love you, Deeks," she whispered, hoping some part of him heard and was comforted by the reminder.
He gently squeezed her arm where he held it, "I love you, too."
Hearing those words, more than any others tonight, was enough to offer her some peace. Kensi smiled softly and barely resisted the urge to lay a kiss on his chest.
Within minutes they slept.
AN: I'm working on a post-ep for the finale, but it's been slow going. Hopefully it'll be ready before the premiere!