This is a repost with edits! Thank you to Goddess of Destiny for betaing this chapter! Chapter 2 will be up with the next 24 hours. Just some last minute tweeks to be done! :)

Well hello there! Welcome to my fanfic starring Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth himself! I love Deadpool, I think he's an awesome character. He's funny, absolutely mental, he breaks the fourth wall and he's got so many insecurities about himself. Who could resist toying with a character like him? When reading this it does help to have some background knowledge on him from the comics, but I've posted it in the movie section because I don't think I know enough about the Marvel Comic universe to do this properly. But who knows, I might move it eventually.

Now there's no X-men in this chapter but you will see them soon enough! So for now sit back, relax and enjoy!

Oh! And review! Pretty please? I'd love to know what you think!

P.S. the bold and italics are Deadpool's thought boxes. Enjoy!

Love is spending your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them. ~anon.

With a shaking hand, Archibald Winter wiped away the beading sweat from his receding hairline. He sucked in a shuddering breath and cleared his throat, praying that when he spoke, his voice would come across as confident and in control. He didn't have high hopes for such an occurrence, but if he had ever needed to convey an aura of authority, now was the time.

Archibald pulled at his tie. No matter how much he loosened it, it seemed to be choking him. When had his office become so hot?

He eyed the man sitting across from him warily. Certainly a more… peculiar individual than what he had been led to believe from the advertisements. The, uh, gentleman sat reclined in the chair with his feet rested leisurely on Archibald's expensive desk. He toyed casually with a long blade. It had been rather shocking to see him enter the room with it strapped to his thigh. Not to mention the belt laden with grenades, at least six different firearms, and a katana sheathed upon his back.

Archibald gulped.

This man made him uneasy. And it wasn't even the arsenal he had strutted into the office with… it was the full body spandex suit. What sensible grown man got about covered from head to toe in red and black spandex? If he were going for anonymity surely he would have picked out something a little more… subtle.

Archibald's brow furrowed with concern as he watched this man who seemed quite content to sit in a strangers office and sing to himself whilst playing the air guitar – quite violently too, he would add.

"Everybody's workin' for the weekend BAH na na na na na NOOOOW!"

This was a bad idea.

He was deranged. He had to be. Archibald dabbed at his brow once again. Even through the mask, he could see the man smirking at him – he clearly enjoyed how uncomfortable he was able to make him.

"So," Archibald began in a strained voice, "Mr Deadpool-"

"Hey, you wouldn't have any food around here would ya?" Deadpool cut him off. "Not that you need any." He glanced quickly at Archibald's stomach then turned to lean back and call out the office door to Archibald's assistant. "I'm freakin' starving man, could we get some hotdogs up in here?"

"Mr Deadpool-" Archibald attempted.

"Yowzah!" Deadpool exclaimed, as Archibald's assistant poked her head through the door uncertainly. "How you doin', sweetheart?"

She shot an uncertain look in Deadpool's direction. "Is there anything I can get for you Mr Winter?" she asked timidly.

"No thank you, Pam," Archibald replied impatiently. "Please shut the door behind you."

"I'll get your number on my way out, hon!" Deadpool shouted just before the door clicked shut. "Man, she is smokin'! Did get the vibe that she was into me? I got the vibe that she was into me. Man, this job kicks ass! Fat pay check and a hot date. I really owe you one bro. Here, slam it!"

Archibald watched, utterly gobsmacked as the moron leaned forward and extended his fist.

"Come on man, don't leave me hanging!" He wiggled his fist around expectantly.

"Mr Deadpool!" he snapped, slamming his hand down on his desk. It was an action that always startled his employees into silence. Deadpool, however, seemed completely unfazed. "This is a serious matter! My daughter has been kidnapped! I don't have time to waste on an obvious imbecile! I was told that you were the best there is but it seems there has been a great mistake, so if you would be so kind as to leave my office-"

Archibald's sentence died on his lips when he suddenly had the barrel of a gun pressed up against his nose. He suppressed a shudder in an attempt to remain still, managing to tear his eyes from the weapon to meet the wicked glare of this masked psychopath.

"Lemme stop you right there, Archie," Deadpool said casually, well… almost casually. There was something so menacing in the undertones of his speech. "I am the best there is. You got a job for me? I'll get it done. But I don't want to hear nothing until we discuss my payment."

"Y-yes," Archibald replied, trying to remain calm, "yes, of course. Whatever works best for you."

Deadpool watched him for a moment before whipping his gun away.

"Good," he said happily, plonking back down into his seat as if nothing had happened. "I want $50,000 for a job like this. Cash. And any expenses that might arise? You cough up for them too."
Archibald nodded stiffly and reached under his desk. He pulled out a briefcase and clicked it open, revealing neat rows of crisp bills.

"$20,000," he told Deadpool, calmly. "You'll have the rest when I have my daughter returned to me safely."

"You got yourself a deal, fat boy!" Deadpool exclaimed.

Archibald's hand came to his rather swollen belly and he opened his mouth to protest, but before he could the mercenary spoke again.

"So, what do we know?"

"Three nights ago," Archibald began, fighting the lump that swelled in his throat, "my daughter was taken off the street, dragged into a van and taken God knows where. Any witnesses who have come forth have little to nothing to offer. I've received no note for ransom. Whoever has taken her should have been in contact by now if they wanted something. But there's been no sign of them anywhere. The police are at a loss."

"Of course they are!" Deadpool shrugged. "It's the fuzz! They don't know what they're doing… Remember that one time with the… well, that wasn't exactly my fault was it? …how was I supposed to know he couldn't swim?! …exactly, that's why I don't own a cat!"

"Who are you talking to?"

"The boxes," he replied, pointing upward and to nowhere in particular.

After a moment's hesitation, Archibald went on, "Anyway, a woman who witnessed the kidnapping sat with a sketch artist… they came up with this. I'm afraid it's all we have to go on."

Archibald pushed a drawing towards Deadpool who picked it up and inspected it for a moment before mumbling, "Mutant…"

"Mr. Deadpool?"

Deadpool's eyes shot up and he grinned. "Tubby," he said confidently, "this is going to be a piece of cake."

Lillian strained against the cuffs clamped tight around her wrists yet again and let out a frustrated huff. She'd been cuffed to that chair for three days now and her wrists were red raw from attempting to get free. Her back and her arms ached from being stuck in that position and all the fear she had been feeling when they had first taken her was slowly transforming into impatience.

What were they waiting for?

They'd had her for three days now and no one had spoken a word to her. Twice a day, someone would come in and spoon feed her some God-awful broth, escort her to the bathroom, return her to that wretched chair and then leave her in solitude once again.

All she wanted was to know what was going on.

She had tried to get answers. On the first day she had called for help but no one had come. She'd tried to question whoever was feeding her but they'd just force more of the disgusting slosh down her throat. After losing her patience, she'd stomped on her toilet escort's foot and demanded to be told where she was and what the hell was going on! But all that had earned her was a smack in the back of the head. So finally, she'd resorted back to struggling against the handcuffs. She knew it was pointless but hey, what else was there for her to do?

She was blindfolded. Whoever it was that had taken her hadn't let her see light since they had thrown her in the back of their van.

The memory was hazy. The throbbing in the back of her skull indicated that she'd hit her head pretty hard trying to fight them off. She'd been alone, walking just a few blocks from her house, the sun only just having set when a van had come screeching around the corner. She'd whipped around to see where the noise had come from when, quicker than she could react, three men had leapt out at her. In a matter of seconds they'd fastened a collar around her neck, put a bag over her head and slammed her into the ground. She'd screamed for help but no one had heard, and as they carried her into the van, she kicked and hit and scratched but it had all been in vain.

She'd awoken to rough hands pulling her out of the van and hauling her inside some building. They'd sat her down in that wretched chair and that was that. They'd left her there.

Tears sprang into her eyes but she blinked them back furiously. She would not cry. No matter what. She wouldn't be one of those helpless girls who snivelled in a dark corner and begged to be saved.

But I am helpless, she thought miserably. All that differs between me and those girls in the trashy horror movies are some tears and some snot… oh, and the blood of course…

Lillian shuddered and shook her head, willing the thought away. She couldn't think like that. She had to remain composed. Whatever these people wanted, there had to be a way out of it. There was always something that could be done. She just had to keep a level head.

But the collar… Fear bubbled up inside her again. They had they known to-

That train of thought was cut short by a distant sound. Lillian froze, listening. Gunshots? That was definitely the sound of gun shots.

Silence… more gunshots. Those were closer. She heard footsteps, people running towards the noise– shouting.

Gunshots.

Lillian's heart began to race and she strained against the handcuffs again.

"Ok," she whispered to herself, "you're ok. Just stay calm."

Gunshots. Loud ones…Screams… Gunshots. Whoever was out there was killing their way through, and fast.

Lillian sucked in a deep breath, attempting to calm herself. Every few seconds the sound of gun fire was edging closer and all she could do was sit there helplessly, with the trembling in her hands growing worse at the sound of every bullet that was fired. She took solace in the fact that whatever was going on out there had nothing to do with her. How could it? She had no clue who any of them even were! This was probably to do with some turf war between rival gangs… something like that. No, she would be fine. She was most likely locked away in some tiny little room off of some insignificant hallway that no one need use. She just had to sit there quietly until it was over. She could worry about finding a way out of this whole mess later. For the time being, she just had to stay quiet and remain unfound.

Outside, someone jiggled the door handle.

Well, shit.

"God damn it…" came a muffled voice from just beyond the door. "You think I haven't tried that yet? ...well what the hell else… actually that's a good idea!"

There was a beat of silence before- BANG! Lillian felt a small push of wind blow against her face as the door was kicked open.

"Honey, I'm home!" called a cheery voice.

Lillian shrunk back as the stranger approached her. "Who's there?" she asked. "Who are you?"

Suddenly, the blindfold was ripped away and Lillian snapped her eyes closed against the blinding light. It had all happened so quickly. What the hell was going on? Desperately, she tried to open her eyes again, blinking her vision into focus.

"Gah!" she exclaimed, when she opened her eyes to find herself face to face with a red and black mask.

"Howdy Ma'am!" The masked man drawled in a terrible attempt at a southern accent. "Deadpool's the name! Saving damsels in distress is the game!"

Lillian stared blankly, her mouth agape.

"No?" Deadpool scratched his chin, "Alright, how about this? Good evening miss, my name is Deadpool and I will be your knight in shining armour for this evening. Tonight's house special is a dish of our finest bullets imbedded into the heads of each of your captors with a side of wit and charm provided by yours truly and if you've got room for it, maybe we could finish up with some chimichanga's! Whatdoyasay?"

"…you're here to rescue me?" Lillian finally managed, looking at her 'hero' incredulously.

"Yep!"

"…you?"

"You better believe it!"

Lillian blinked, trying to form a sentence, "y-you?" she clarified once more.

This girl is thick!

And hot!

And stupid!

At least an eight! Maybe even a nine!

A seven point five. And that's generous!

Are you kiddin-

"Guys, please! I'm working!" Deadpool shouted.

"Who are you talking to?" Lillian asked slowly, glancing around the otherwise empty room, confused.

"Doesn't matter! We gotta get you outta here! I made a hell of a lot of noise on my way in and back up will be here any second!" Deadpool whipped around behind her, rubbing his hands together as he inspected the handcuffs.

Lillian's mind was swimming. This was all just too much for her to take in. Everything just kept getting thrown at her and yet again she was being denied answers. Her chest was beginning to tighten. She just wanted out! She tried to focus, though, to keep level headed. There had been one this guy had said that had really stood out.

"Backup?!" Her voice rising a few octaves with the panic growing within her. "How many of them are there? Who are they?"

"I'll explain later! First thing's first, where'd you put the key to these?"

Lillian twisted around, attempting to glare at him. "I don't have them!"

"Why not?"

"Y-you're kidding me, right?" she asked, true concern in his voice. Whoever this guy was, he was definitely on some strong stuff. And what the hell was he wearing?

Is she kidding us?

I don't think so… just play it cool.

"Uh… yeah!" Deadpool answered, "Of course I'm kidding! This is a rescue mission! You just sit back, relax and let me worry about all this… just out of curiosity, if someone were to – hypothetically, of course – cut your hand off at the wrist, would it grow back?"

"No!" she screeched, struggling to get away from him. "Don't even think about it!"

"Ok!" Deadpool responded."Calm down, Christ!"

He was directly behind her now, out of her line of vision. She waited breathlessly, for him to speak, for him to do something. Suddenly she felt him take hold of both her wrists and shake them violently for an instant.

"Awww," he moaned, genuinely disappointed. "I thought that'd work."

There was a distant crash, a door somewhere being opened. 'Backup' had just arrived.

"Oh God…"she groaned, hanging her head, "I'm going to die."

"You are not." Deadpool replied confidently, looking up from the cuffs he was still struggling with. "This is a multi-chapter fic!"

Her brow furrowed in confusion, "What?"

"Not important," he told her. "But it is awesome though! Do you have any idea how many chicks out there are reading this who must be creaming their pants at the thought of my daring rescue!"

Lillian looked around the empty room, feeling increasingly distressed with every word this strange man spoke to her. "Reading what? Are you insane?!"

Quick as a flash, Deadpool had a fistful of Lillian's hair, pulling her head back and pressing a knife to her exposed throat.

"I don't like to be called that," he whispered menacingly.

Panic rose up within her. Whoever this guy was, he was dangerous. She could feel the cold steel blade pressed up against her racing pulse, and looked up to meet his deathly gaze.

"Okay," she said, trying her best to keep the panic from her voice. "I'm sorry. Just don't hurt me, alright? I thought you were meant to be rescuing me!"

His grip loosened instantly "Oh yeah," he said, stepping away from her and inspecting the cuffs.

Lillian exhaled shakily, straining her neck to see him, not daring to take her eyes off of him.

"I have a plan. You're not going to like it though so I'm just not going to tell you what it is."

"Wh-" BANG!

Lillian screamed and her hand flew up to shield her head from the gunshot. She was so startled that it took a moment to realise that her hands actually reached her face. She looked at the dangling broken chain from the cuffs for a moment, relief flooding through her that she was still in one piece.

"You shot at me!" she screeched, jumping to her feet.

"Told you you wouldn't like it," Deadpool said with a smirk.

She watched him in total disbelief as he strolled towards the door. He pushed it open just a little and peaked his head out for a moment.

"Coast is clear!" he exclaimed, looking back at her with a grin. "And so begins phase two. The escape! This is where it gets good, shooting bad guys, blowing stuff up, stealing a getaway car!"

Lillian was rapidly deciding that she'd be a lot safer with whoever it was that took her in the first place. For starters, this guys was a complete and utter nutjob. He'd actually just fired a weapon at her! Not to mention she had no idea who he was, or where he'd come from. He'd just barged in totally unannounced and proclaimed himself her 'knight in shining armour'… how had he even known she was there? Why did saving her matter to him?

And who was it that he was supposedly saving her from? These people hadn't given her any answers but at least they hadn't hurt her… yet. She seemed to be relatively safe where she was really. Logically, if they'd wanted her dead, they'd would have killed her already, wouldn't they? Unless it was something worse that they wanted to do with her…

The stranger's voice startled her from her thoughts.

"So! Do you know how to shoot a gun?"

"No," she answered with caution.

"Wha-come on!" he huffed. "You're the worst sidekick ever!"

"I thought I was the damsel in distress!"

"Well, I upgraded you. Your old man never specified that you couldn't get in on the action anyway.

Lillian blanched, her jaw hanging agape. "My Dad sent you?"

"He hired me, babe! I'm getting paid for this!" He thrust a gun into her hands. "Now here. Hold it just like that. Point that end at things you want to kill. Squeeze the thing here and BANG! Got it? Now, come on! We gotta get moving!"

Without waiting for her to respond, Deadpool turned on his heel and raced towards the door.

Lillian let out a groan and her stomach began to churn horribly. She was going to be sick. This was bad. This was definitely really bad. Without doubt, this maniac was going to get her killed… but what option did she have other than to follow him. After all, it wasn't like he was just going to leave without her now. At least he'd given her a weapon.

Still feeling queasy, Lillian moved towards the door. Worst rescue ever.

Sorry to have left this so long without updating! Like I said up the top, new chapter within 24 hours! Reviews are much appreciated :)