Loser
They had just placed first at the 2010 Show Choir Midwest Regional Championships. The cheering had finally died down and Jesse followed his teammates back into the room to get their things. While the rest of Vocal Adrenalin were chattering excitedly about their win, Jesse was acutely aware that his coach was not part of the buzz and was actually in a rush to pack her things.
"What's the hurry? Aren't we all going out to celebrate?"
"You guys go ahead," Shelby said distractedly. "I need to get to the hospital."
"Is anything wrong?" Jesse asked with concern.
Shelby had finally finished packing her bag and turned her full attention to Jesse. "No. Rachel's teammate, Quinn, just had her baby. I'm going to visit her."
Jesse froze. Quinn had just given birth to her baby girl? But Jesse had just seen her up on stage performing with the rest of New Directions. His mind whirled. "I'd like to come with you."
Shelby nodded distractedly, as she led him out the hall and into her car parked outside. She probably thought he had made close relations in his short stint with New Directions and wanted to share his well wishes over the delivery. However, Jesse had never given his coach the full details about what had happened in those short but precious weeks.
The two were silent on the car ride to the hospital, using the excuse that they were exhausted over their performance at Regionals. In truth, Shelby was busy wondering if Quinn was going to give up her baby girl for adoption and if she had already found the perfect family. She wanted a second chance at having her family, and Shelby hoped she wasn't too late.
Meanwhile, Jesse was busy thinking about Quinn, wondering how she was doing after her delivery. He hadn't spoke with her since that day that she had torn him to bits for egging Rachel. Even though they had barely talked previously, Quinn had been furious enough with Jesse to corner him and give him a piece of her mind.
She missed glee practice that day to visit her doctor for a check-up when she had run into him at the grocery next door. She had seen Rachel immediately after the egging the day before and had helped the poor girl clean herself up. Quinn had been red-faced as she yelled at Jesse for being such a terrible excuse for a human being, and Jesse had miserably taken all of that in as he stood in the aisle next to the fresh eggs, rehashing his guilt over the incident.
Finally, Jesse had enough and broken down in front of Quinn. He told her everything, from Shelby asking him to befriend Rachel, to his trickery in getting her to meet her mother, even telling Quinn about how he had developed feelings for Rachel. He told her how he had felt bad about leaving New Directions, but how he had needed to because his scholarship to UCLA was tied to earning another win for Vocal Adrenalin. He told her about the pressure he had felt from his own teammates upon his return and how he had to convince them of his loyalty by helping them break into McKinley High and outperforming New Directions, trashing the choir room and then topping it all off by egging Rachel.
The more Jesse spoke, the softer the expression on Quinn's face grew. She listened to him attentively, understanding where he was coming from. She knew what it was like to be caught between a rock and a hard place. They receive weird looks from the other patrons at the grocery and moved venues to the children's playground right outside. They sat on the swings as Jesse continued his verbal diarrhea, with Quinn asking him some questions every so often.
All of the guilt that Jesse had been keeping to himself began to ebb away as Quinn listened to him patiently. This was the first time Jesse was voicing out all of his problems, as there had been no one to talk to about it. His teammates from Vocal Adrenalin wouldn't have understood why he was going through such lengths to help out their coach, and Shelby wouldn't have been the best person to talk to about his feelings for Rachel. The last people he had expected to understand would have been his teammates in New Directions, and Jesse was surprised he had found a kindred soul in Quinn.
Still having verbal diarrhea, Jesse had blurted out that he was surprised that Quinn would be the one to identify with him so well, given that everything he had heard about her was so negative and that she was a bitch.
Quinn had merely raised an eyebrow at his comment and smiled ruefully as she told him that she had been a bitch, but that it had taken her fall from grace to learn how to be part of the background and be aware of how others were feeling. After that, Jesse no longer seemed interested in talking about his problems and instead, he began to ask Quinn about how she was doing with her pregnancy.
Quinn told him everything, from the night Puck had gotten her pregnant, to her lying to protect Finn and how she ended up quite homeless, moving from her house to Finn's, then to Puck's and now finally with Mercedes.
Jesse told her about Shelby, and how she regretted giving up Rachel, asking Quinn if she had considered keeping her baby. With pain evident in her eyes, Quinn had told him how she had thought about this from every single angle and knew that she had to give up her baby. She just couldn't give her baby everything she deserved and that even though it killed her, she wanted only the best for her baby girl.
Jesse had leaned over to take Quinn's hand and give it a gentle squeeze, hoping to convey to her the same comfort that he had received from her. She looked up at him and smiled softly.
For the first time in several weeks, Jesse had felt peaceful. He was no longer looking over his shoulder and making sure he was saying the right things, trying to determine what was truth versus reality. In a span of an hour, Quinn had managed to make things right again in Jesse's world. He was just about to verbalize his gratitude when his mobile rang.
"Jesse St. James, Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenalin need to meet in our auditorium. Friday, 3 sharp."
Suddenly the calm that had been coursing through Jesse's veins had washed away and Jesse's shoulders tensed as he gripped his mobile in his hand tightly.
"Who was that?" Quinn asked curiously.
"It was Mr. Schue. He wants Vocal Adrenalin to return to your auditorium on Friday."
Quinn frowned. "Why?"
"I don't know. I need to talk to my teammates." He stood up abruptly. Jesse turned and held a hand out to help Quinn out of her seat. "Can I offer you a ride home?"
"Sure," she replied softly. Her cheeks were slightly pink, and Jesse wasn't sure if she was reacting to his gallantry or to the heat from being under the sun.
Jesse had missed his chance to speak with Quinn when New Directions had performed their Funk number and then again at Regionals. He wasn't sure why he was so interested in seeing to Quinn's well being, given that he had never spoken with her before that afternoon at the grocery. Could it just be that he had never been able to thank her for being there for him?
Or was it that maybe, deep down, Jesse was sort of attracted to Quinn? He could not deny that he found her beautiful – when Jesse first joined New Directions and laid his eyes on her, he knew then that she was the most attractive girl he had ever seen. But because he was with Rachel, and because Quinn had a reputation of being a bitch, Jesse had ignored her, up until that day at the grocery.
Soon, Shelby was parking her car into the hospital parking lot. While she checked with the receptionist on what floor and room Quinn was in, Jesse saw a gift shop and thought it would be nice if he had something to give Quinn.
"You go on ahead, I'll just grab a gift," Jesse had told his coach. Shelby nodded and left without being told twice. She looked quite determined, trying to quell her anxiety and excitement, but Jesse had missed that look as he was already concentrating on the items in the gift shop.
He thought about getting her a stuffed bear, something that could easily pass for a gift either for the mother or the baby. Then his gift wouldn't be so obvious. However, the small stuffed bears on display looked a little worse for wear, so Jesse decided to purchase a simple bouquet of flowers. Although he didn't know what flowers she would like, Jesse thought the yellow tulips were fitting for someone as graceful and elegant as Quinn. He paid the cashier and headed on up.
It was getting quite late in the day, and Jesse had a feeling the nursery viewing room wouldn't be open for much longer. He decided to stop by to see if he could catch the baby first before surprising her mommy. If he was right about what Shelby was doing here in the hospital, Jesse wanted to give his coach some space to talk to Quinn.
Jesse was almost at the nursery when he saw the girl who had occupied most of his recent thoughts. She was standing with the tough looking guy who had gotten her pregnant. Jesse was still a certain distance away that they couldn't see him unless they looked right in his direction, but he was near enough to hear what they were saying.
"She looks like you," Puck said, still dressed in his show choir clothes. "Do you want to keep her?"
"No," Quinn had replied, not sounding entirely convincing. "Do you?"
Puck hadn't replied and even Jesse could see how much the two teenagers were struggling to deal with their feelings about losing their baby. Jesse's breath hitched as he heard Quinn ask Puck, "Did you love me?"
"Yes. Especially now."
Jesse felt his heart tighten as she watched the two turn to each other and smile tentatively. Oh god, what was he doing? He glanced down at the tulips in his hands. What had he been thinking? Did he really think Quinn would need and want him right now, when Puck was the most obvious candidate to be at her side during this momentous occasion? What was he doing bringing her flowers, of all possible gifts? Had he been secretly hoping that something between them could happen, after just one special moment shared?
He saw Shelby approach them, apparently having come from Quinn's room only to find that they weren't there. Jesse began to back away, his thoughts reeling. Before he could manage to get a grip on himself, Jesse found himself standing face to face with his ex-girlfriend. "Rachel," Jesse croaked.
She too, was still dressed in her show choir clothes and Jesse thought she looked very pretty. Rachel stared up at him, eyes wide and full of hurt. "What are you doing here Jesse?" Before he can piece together the appropriate response, she continues. "I can't believe you'd chase me down here, to apologize with that. Tulips really aren't my thing, but I appreciate the sentiment."
Unsure of what to say, Jesse hands Quinn's bouquet to Rachel. She takes them, breathes in the floral scent and then surprises Jesse when she dumps them into the nearby garbage can. "Flowers aren't going to take back what you did to me, Jesse. It was hurtful, humiliating and downright cruel."
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I was an idiot and I hope you'll believe me when I say I never set out to hurt you. I meant it when I said I loved you."
"You loved me? You disappeared without saying a word. I didn't even understand why you had left me. I thought we had fixed things after the bad reputation video, but the next thing I know you've pulled out of McKinley and transferred back to our rivals, intent on showing us up in our own auditorium. I may be a rookie when it comes to relationships, but I'm certain that it's not love, Jesse."
He ran a hand through his curly locks nervously. "I screwed up, I can't explain enough how sorry I am for that. I never intended for all of this to happen. This wasn't part of the plan."
Rachel crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Oh really, tell me how it was supposed to happen."
Jesse took a deep breath. "When I enrolled into McKinley High, I had every intention of pulling out and re-enrolling back into Carmel High within a month or two, before Regionals."
Rachel drew a sharp gasp, but let him continue.
"I wasn't there to spy on your team, but I was sent to befriend you. I never expected to fall for you, Rachel, but it was inevitable. You're passionate about the things you love, you're smart and funny and you have got to be the most talented person I know."
"But you still left me."
Jesse hung his head down in shame. "I had to. Vocal Adrenalin needed me."
"I needed you." She shook her head. "You shouldn't be here, Jesse. I've moved on and I'm with Finn now. Please, just go." And in contradictory Rachel Berry fashion, she turned to leave, even after she had just asked him to do so.
He stood there alone in the hallway. He had just won Regionals and Jesse had just performed what was probably his best performance to date, but Jesse had never felt more of a loser than at that moment. Morose, Jesse turned back to take one last look at Quinn and found that she and Puck were still talking with Shelby. He hoped that Quinn agreed to give Shelby her baby, knowing that her daughter would find a good home with his coach. Maybe they'd even get to see each other when they visited. That baby was probably going to be his last link with the two girls he had loved and lost from New Directions.
Author's Note: If you're following my other story, Dirty Little Secret, no worries, the next chapter will be out soon. Actually, the story itself will be complete shortly. This little ficlet just tickled me for a bit and had to come out first.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to ask you all for some help. I would like to write some more St. Fabray but to be honest, my muse has left me and I need more ideas. Please feel free to drop me a note and recommend some possible storylines you can't get out of your head and would love to read! You can also volunteer to help me work out some potential storyline kinks as well, I very much appreciate that. Thank you very much!