Love Me When You Can - Part 1 of 1
by Hayley Rayne
Today's List:
Ignore the pounding in my head. Try and eat something, so that I don't become lightheaded. Ignore the vulgar patients who make crude comments about my breast size, or what's between my legs, or whatever else that is their fancy. Ignore the need for alcohol -- it will have to come later. Smile for the patients, and for the staff. Smile for my boyfriend, who has no real idea of what goes on inside my head. Ignore the frequent looks from the man that I know is still in love with me. Ignore the fact that I love him too.
However... not necessarily in that order.
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I smile everytime. It is expected of me. He asks where I was last night. I tell him I was at home. He says we live together. I remind him I'm still paying rent on my apartment. He gives me that look. I know that look well. I am sick of that look.
"You said you were going to move in with me."
"I never said that."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't"
"Abby---"
"Even if I said that, my stuff is still in my apartment."
"Then we can work on moving it out and into our apartment this weekend."
"I'd have to break my lease..."
"How much can it be? I'll pay for it."
"I have a lot of stuff"
"We'll figure it out."
"Your apartment's pretty full as it is."
"We'll figure it out."
"I'm just not sure---"
"Abby, why are you coming up with excuses not to move in with me? If you don't want to live with me, just say so."
"I'm just... I'm just not sure what I want right now, John."
He nods his head, and gives me that look again, "Does that include us?"
"I never said that."
"But, does it?"
"I... I don't know."
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I'm not sure what comes next. I'm not sure that he knows either. I pull away from him, and for a moment his lips still follow mine. Finally, he relents, and looks to me with question. I have no answers to give.
"You came here, Abby."
I nod.
"You kissed me."
I nod again. He need not convince me that the next action is my action to take.
"Why did you come here?"
I look him in the eyes, and in that look I answer him. I feel my stomach ache as he slowly moves in for another kiss -- it is the kind of ache one gets when thinking about a love they have lost. He kisses my lips, and then my cheek, and then my neck and collarbone.
"I don't want to be one of them," I whisper softly.
"One of who?" his kisses continue, and turn into a gentle suckling along my neck.
"Chuny... the girl's mother..." Oh, God. I feel his hand reach up and gently massage one of my breasts through the thin layer of my t-shirt.
"You could never be one of them."
Tenderly, he pushes me back onto the couch. I give him no complaint, or hesitation, and allow him to take control. His body presses mine into the couch, and I can feel he wants this as much as I do. I shutdown my mind, and just feel.
"Luka..."
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He looks at me painfully now, but not with the resentment I would have expected. The resentment would have been better. He is hurting, and I am the reason why. He told me he loves me. I told him nothing. I walked away. I left him alone... again.
I walk pass the other tables, pass the other customers, and take a seat across from him. He looks at me numbingly -- I know he is preparing to protect himself from the hurt that only I can cause him.
"Luka..." what can I say to him that would make any difference, "I'm sorry." Certainly, not that.
"Alright," he picks up a menu and begins examining it.
"Alright?"
"You don't need to explain."
"Yes, I do."
"No, Abby, you don't."
"Luka---"
"It happens," he gives me his sideways smile, setting down the menu, "I know that better than anyone."
"It doesn't happen to me. I don't sleep with just anybody."
"I know, but sometimes people just get lonely. Sometimes, you just need someone. I understand."
"I did need someone, but not just anyone. I think I needed you."
"You think?"
I shrug, "I could've gone to Carter."
"You're still seeing Carter."
"I don't know what to do."
"Yes, you do."
I look at him with sorrow, wishing he were right. I wish I knew what was going on inside my own head. I really have no clue anymore. I'm not sure why I went to him that night. I'm not sure why I made love with him. Do I love him? I already know, I do.
"I have to go."
"I know."
"Luka... I'm sorry."
"I wish you weren't."
"I don't know what to do."
"Just," he shrugs, "love me when you can."
"I do."
"I know."
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