The Fellowship had just departed from Rivendell when it happened.
Something that was totally unexpected, an attack by an enemy that none
would have considered... It began inside Sam's backpack. That's where he
kept the food. And among this food was a small package, which inside
contained a foe of a fearful sort.
Inside this package was a hunk of cheese. Now, do not be fooled by its docile appearance! For this was no ordinary hunk of cheese. It was a big chunk of colby-jack! And it was evil...
It was on the third day of the Fellowship's travels when the problem began. This was the day that the cheese first made its move. Without warning, it jumped from Sam's pack and made a bee-line for Gandalf's staff!!!
"What the heck is that?" Frodo shrieked as the cheese grew itself a pair of arms and snatched Gandalf's staff from his hands.
"My cheese!" Sam cried.
"Cheese? Where?" Pippin started looking around to where the cheese might have dropped to, but he did not realize that it was flying around in the air, waving the staff and growing at an alarming rate.
Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas each drew their weapons, but Gandalf raised his hand to stop them. "Do not harm this creature," he said. "Who knows what his role in all this might be? We must find out what it wants first."
"It's probably a mutant piece of cheese that wants to take it's revenge out on us from suffering for thousands of years by being eaten by so many different creatures and never once being asked permission!" Boromir proclaimed. "Let's kill it now before it grows too strong!" Boromir lifted his sword and went after the piece of cheese, but the cheese was too fast for him. It flew up high into the air, and pointed Gandalf's staff at Boromir. His sword instantly exploded into flying shards of shredded cheese.
"Woooo!!! Yummy!" Pippin cheered, and started running around with his mouth open, catching the pieces in his mouth. Legolas stuck his tongue out to catch one, but when he did he made a face and spat it out.
"I don't like cheese."
The Evil Colby-Jack took this as an insult, swooped down and whacked the elf on the side of his head. At the sight of his bruise, the narrator cried out and decided to put in a self-insert in order to save her beloved Legolas from that mean ol' piece of cheese.
Senna then fell out of a tree and landed near his feet.
"Who are you?" Aragorn asked her.
"And how did you manage to get up in that tree?" Legolas puzzled.
Senna then promptly forgot the reason she threw herself into the fic, and began to frantically clean off Legolas's boots, because she had drooled on them and they didn't look good that way.
"Oh, my dear sweet elf!" Senna yelled out, then pounced on the poor prince and knocked him to the ground. Boromir and Aragorn came to his rescue, and tried to lift the hysterical fan-girl off of him.
"This is gettin ridiculous!!" The cheese screamed. "Have we all forgotten the plot of this story?"
This got a dropped jaw from every member of the Fellowship, except for Senna who already knew that the cheese could talk. But just the sight of a talking piece of cheese was enough to make her momentarily forget that she was laying on top of her favorite character. Only very momentarily, of course.
"Hey, that cheese just talked!" Merry exclaimed. The others ignored this remark.
"I'm hungry!" Pippin said
"All right, Mr. Cheese, remind us what the plot of this story is, because we are obviously clueless on the subject," Aragorn said. "Why are you here, and how can you talk?"
"The plot revolves around me, of course," the cheese answered. "I am a mutant piece of cheese that wants to take it's revenge out on you all from suffering for thousands of years by being eaten by so many different creatures and never once being asked permission!"
"I told ya so," Boromir said.
"It's very rude, ya know!!" the cheese went on. "I never wanted to be eaten. I appreciate the fact that many of you find me delicious, but you could of at least found the courtesy to ask before you shove my kind into your mouths!
"And I can talk because Senna said I could."
"Who's Senna?" Legolas asked.
"That girl who's sitting on your lap."
Everyone looked at Senna. They looked very mad. She laughed halfheartedly and got off of her beloved elf. "Uh, sorry," she mumbled.
"Now everybody shut up and listen to me!" The cheese demanded. "I am now going to eat you all!"
"Wait just a minute!" Gimli shouted. "I have not been in this story at all! You can't just eat me if I haven't even gotten a chance to spread my great dwarven wit! Who the heck is writing this piece of trash anyway?"
"Um, that would be me again," Senna said.
"Wait, that doesn't make any sense," Frodo said. "How can you be here and writing the story at the same time?"
This stumped Senna. She had no idea how she could be both in Middle- Earth and sitting at her computer simultaneously. She shrugged.
"What do you have against Dwarves?" Gimli yelled, pointing his finger in Senna's face. "I have barely been in any of this story!"
"Well, you are in it now," Merry pointed out.
"This is true," Gandalf said. "And you now have had more lines than I have."
"And I only had two words," Sam added.
"Really?" Gimli seemed satisfied with this, and shut up. He has no more lines in the rest of this story.
"Hey, why did you type that?" Gimli yelled.
Wait, how did Gimli know that I typed that?
"Because we are your characters! We respond to what you type, you elf- loving twit!"
"How dare you call me a twit!" Senna shrieked.
"Can we get back to me here?" The cheese sighed.
"I wasn't calling you a twit, I called the narrator a twit!"
"I am the narrator, you stupid dwarf!"
"Don't call me stupid!"
"I'm hungry!" Pippin cried.
Would you all shut up already? We are getting way off topic. Anyhoo, Gimli stopped arguing with Senna and the narrator, and they all turned to focus on the problem at hand.
"No, we didn't!" Gimli shouted. "And I'm not done arguing with you yet!"
SHUT UP BEFORE I DELETE YOU FROM THIS STORY!!! Gimli then shut up, and decided to stop arguing with the narrator since she was allowing him to have a few more lines later on in the story.
"Thank you," Gimli said quietly.
You're welcome. So, the cheese still had Gandalf's staff, and was waving it around, turning the leaves into Kraft Singles, just for fun, snicks, and grins.
"Hey, my beautiful leaves!" Legolas cried.
"Now then, I will commence in eating you all," the colby-jack cheese said. By now the cheese had grown to be about the size of a Balrog, and several members of the Fellowship nearly wet themselves in fear.
"Oh, come on, it's an oversized hunk of processed dairy, people!" Senna complained.
"What are w-we going to do?" Sam asked, as Frodo, Merry, and Pippin hid behind him.
"I'll tell you what we're going to do," Boromir said, pulling a dagger from its scabbard. "We're going to do what we should have done to begin with!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli all seemed to agree with Boromir, and drew out there weapons of choice. Gandalf got really ticked off because they were ignoring his advice to leave the cheese alone.
"Put down your weapons! We cannot hurt this cheese!!" he yelled.
"Why not?" Merry asked.
"It sure sounds like a good idea to me," Sam added.
"He's going to eat us!" Frodo exclaimed.
"I'm hungry!" Pippin cried.
Just then Gandalf got really, really mad. He turned everyones weapons into flames, which got the four warriors really, really, really mad. And the cheese was getting really, really, really, really mad because no one seemed to care that he was about to eat them all. His plan of revenge wasn't exactly going as he had hoped.
"Oh, great, what are we suppose to do now, genius?" Aragorn raged at Gandalf. "How are we suppose to kill this cheese thing now?"
"We don't kill it, that's my point," Gandalf tried to explain. "We let nature run its course and remain patient."
Gandalf, Aragorn, and Boromir then got into a big fight that involved some words that young children and hobbits should not hear. Senna remembered that she was stuck in a fantasy-world with Legolas and got really happy. She jumped on him again, but this time Aragorn and Boromir weren't there to save him. The four hobbits were getting bored and were conversing quietly to themselves under a nearby tree. Gimli sat on a stump and grumbled about him still not having many lines.
"I can't believe this," Gimli said. "I'm probably the smartest guy in this stupid Fellowship, yet nobody respects me."
By now the Evil Colby-Jack Cheese Giant was beyond p.o.ed. He had enough of this insanity. So he went straight for the root of the problem. He reached down a giant cheesy arm and grabbed Senna off of Legolas.
"Hey, put me down!!!" Senna screamed.
"I am going to eat you now!" he yelled.
Just then the hobbits got up from under their tree. They had a plan, and Pippin had come up with it. The answer to their problem was rather simple, really. What had creatures been doing to cheese for thousands of years?
"Let's eat!" the four hobbits yelled in unison. They then ran for the giant cheese legs, and in no time flat had consumed the entire monster. The rest of the Fellowship and Senna watched in disgust as Pippin, Merry, Sam, and Frodo stuffed their faces with mouthful after mouthful until every scrap of the Evil Cheese Thing was gone.
"So, when's supper?" Pippin asked once they'd finished.
"Ugh, that was really gross," Legolas said, trying to keep his last meal down.
"Thanks for saving me, I guess," Senna said as she brushed some stray pieces of cheese off of her clothes.
"I told you we should let nature run its course," Gandalf said.
"Wha- What did that have to do with anything?!?" Boromir started to yell.
"We really should have just killed the thing," Aragorn mumbled.
"This really was the most stupidest story ever created," Gimli said, shaking his head. With that, the Fellowship returned to their path and walked on like nothing had ever happened. It was for the best to forget. You can obviously tell why. Senna disappeared and rejoined with her deranged other self as the narrator types the last few lines of her story. Hmm, should there be a moral to all this madness? How about: Never underestimate the Power of Cheese!
Or here's a better one: Never stay up writing fanfiction past 3 o'clock in the morning.
The End.
Inside this package was a hunk of cheese. Now, do not be fooled by its docile appearance! For this was no ordinary hunk of cheese. It was a big chunk of colby-jack! And it was evil...
It was on the third day of the Fellowship's travels when the problem began. This was the day that the cheese first made its move. Without warning, it jumped from Sam's pack and made a bee-line for Gandalf's staff!!!
"What the heck is that?" Frodo shrieked as the cheese grew itself a pair of arms and snatched Gandalf's staff from his hands.
"My cheese!" Sam cried.
"Cheese? Where?" Pippin started looking around to where the cheese might have dropped to, but he did not realize that it was flying around in the air, waving the staff and growing at an alarming rate.
Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas each drew their weapons, but Gandalf raised his hand to stop them. "Do not harm this creature," he said. "Who knows what his role in all this might be? We must find out what it wants first."
"It's probably a mutant piece of cheese that wants to take it's revenge out on us from suffering for thousands of years by being eaten by so many different creatures and never once being asked permission!" Boromir proclaimed. "Let's kill it now before it grows too strong!" Boromir lifted his sword and went after the piece of cheese, but the cheese was too fast for him. It flew up high into the air, and pointed Gandalf's staff at Boromir. His sword instantly exploded into flying shards of shredded cheese.
"Woooo!!! Yummy!" Pippin cheered, and started running around with his mouth open, catching the pieces in his mouth. Legolas stuck his tongue out to catch one, but when he did he made a face and spat it out.
"I don't like cheese."
The Evil Colby-Jack took this as an insult, swooped down and whacked the elf on the side of his head. At the sight of his bruise, the narrator cried out and decided to put in a self-insert in order to save her beloved Legolas from that mean ol' piece of cheese.
Senna then fell out of a tree and landed near his feet.
"Who are you?" Aragorn asked her.
"And how did you manage to get up in that tree?" Legolas puzzled.
Senna then promptly forgot the reason she threw herself into the fic, and began to frantically clean off Legolas's boots, because she had drooled on them and they didn't look good that way.
"Oh, my dear sweet elf!" Senna yelled out, then pounced on the poor prince and knocked him to the ground. Boromir and Aragorn came to his rescue, and tried to lift the hysterical fan-girl off of him.
"This is gettin ridiculous!!" The cheese screamed. "Have we all forgotten the plot of this story?"
This got a dropped jaw from every member of the Fellowship, except for Senna who already knew that the cheese could talk. But just the sight of a talking piece of cheese was enough to make her momentarily forget that she was laying on top of her favorite character. Only very momentarily, of course.
"Hey, that cheese just talked!" Merry exclaimed. The others ignored this remark.
"I'm hungry!" Pippin said
"All right, Mr. Cheese, remind us what the plot of this story is, because we are obviously clueless on the subject," Aragorn said. "Why are you here, and how can you talk?"
"The plot revolves around me, of course," the cheese answered. "I am a mutant piece of cheese that wants to take it's revenge out on you all from suffering for thousands of years by being eaten by so many different creatures and never once being asked permission!"
"I told ya so," Boromir said.
"It's very rude, ya know!!" the cheese went on. "I never wanted to be eaten. I appreciate the fact that many of you find me delicious, but you could of at least found the courtesy to ask before you shove my kind into your mouths!
"And I can talk because Senna said I could."
"Who's Senna?" Legolas asked.
"That girl who's sitting on your lap."
Everyone looked at Senna. They looked very mad. She laughed halfheartedly and got off of her beloved elf. "Uh, sorry," she mumbled.
"Now everybody shut up and listen to me!" The cheese demanded. "I am now going to eat you all!"
"Wait just a minute!" Gimli shouted. "I have not been in this story at all! You can't just eat me if I haven't even gotten a chance to spread my great dwarven wit! Who the heck is writing this piece of trash anyway?"
"Um, that would be me again," Senna said.
"Wait, that doesn't make any sense," Frodo said. "How can you be here and writing the story at the same time?"
This stumped Senna. She had no idea how she could be both in Middle- Earth and sitting at her computer simultaneously. She shrugged.
"What do you have against Dwarves?" Gimli yelled, pointing his finger in Senna's face. "I have barely been in any of this story!"
"Well, you are in it now," Merry pointed out.
"This is true," Gandalf said. "And you now have had more lines than I have."
"And I only had two words," Sam added.
"Really?" Gimli seemed satisfied with this, and shut up. He has no more lines in the rest of this story.
"Hey, why did you type that?" Gimli yelled.
Wait, how did Gimli know that I typed that?
"Because we are your characters! We respond to what you type, you elf- loving twit!"
"How dare you call me a twit!" Senna shrieked.
"Can we get back to me here?" The cheese sighed.
"I wasn't calling you a twit, I called the narrator a twit!"
"I am the narrator, you stupid dwarf!"
"Don't call me stupid!"
"I'm hungry!" Pippin cried.
Would you all shut up already? We are getting way off topic. Anyhoo, Gimli stopped arguing with Senna and the narrator, and they all turned to focus on the problem at hand.
"No, we didn't!" Gimli shouted. "And I'm not done arguing with you yet!"
SHUT UP BEFORE I DELETE YOU FROM THIS STORY!!! Gimli then shut up, and decided to stop arguing with the narrator since she was allowing him to have a few more lines later on in the story.
"Thank you," Gimli said quietly.
You're welcome. So, the cheese still had Gandalf's staff, and was waving it around, turning the leaves into Kraft Singles, just for fun, snicks, and grins.
"Hey, my beautiful leaves!" Legolas cried.
"Now then, I will commence in eating you all," the colby-jack cheese said. By now the cheese had grown to be about the size of a Balrog, and several members of the Fellowship nearly wet themselves in fear.
"Oh, come on, it's an oversized hunk of processed dairy, people!" Senna complained.
"What are w-we going to do?" Sam asked, as Frodo, Merry, and Pippin hid behind him.
"I'll tell you what we're going to do," Boromir said, pulling a dagger from its scabbard. "We're going to do what we should have done to begin with!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli all seemed to agree with Boromir, and drew out there weapons of choice. Gandalf got really ticked off because they were ignoring his advice to leave the cheese alone.
"Put down your weapons! We cannot hurt this cheese!!" he yelled.
"Why not?" Merry asked.
"It sure sounds like a good idea to me," Sam added.
"He's going to eat us!" Frodo exclaimed.
"I'm hungry!" Pippin cried.
Just then Gandalf got really, really mad. He turned everyones weapons into flames, which got the four warriors really, really, really mad. And the cheese was getting really, really, really, really mad because no one seemed to care that he was about to eat them all. His plan of revenge wasn't exactly going as he had hoped.
"Oh, great, what are we suppose to do now, genius?" Aragorn raged at Gandalf. "How are we suppose to kill this cheese thing now?"
"We don't kill it, that's my point," Gandalf tried to explain. "We let nature run its course and remain patient."
Gandalf, Aragorn, and Boromir then got into a big fight that involved some words that young children and hobbits should not hear. Senna remembered that she was stuck in a fantasy-world with Legolas and got really happy. She jumped on him again, but this time Aragorn and Boromir weren't there to save him. The four hobbits were getting bored and were conversing quietly to themselves under a nearby tree. Gimli sat on a stump and grumbled about him still not having many lines.
"I can't believe this," Gimli said. "I'm probably the smartest guy in this stupid Fellowship, yet nobody respects me."
By now the Evil Colby-Jack Cheese Giant was beyond p.o.ed. He had enough of this insanity. So he went straight for the root of the problem. He reached down a giant cheesy arm and grabbed Senna off of Legolas.
"Hey, put me down!!!" Senna screamed.
"I am going to eat you now!" he yelled.
Just then the hobbits got up from under their tree. They had a plan, and Pippin had come up with it. The answer to their problem was rather simple, really. What had creatures been doing to cheese for thousands of years?
"Let's eat!" the four hobbits yelled in unison. They then ran for the giant cheese legs, and in no time flat had consumed the entire monster. The rest of the Fellowship and Senna watched in disgust as Pippin, Merry, Sam, and Frodo stuffed their faces with mouthful after mouthful until every scrap of the Evil Cheese Thing was gone.
"So, when's supper?" Pippin asked once they'd finished.
"Ugh, that was really gross," Legolas said, trying to keep his last meal down.
"Thanks for saving me, I guess," Senna said as she brushed some stray pieces of cheese off of her clothes.
"I told you we should let nature run its course," Gandalf said.
"Wha- What did that have to do with anything?!?" Boromir started to yell.
"We really should have just killed the thing," Aragorn mumbled.
"This really was the most stupidest story ever created," Gimli said, shaking his head. With that, the Fellowship returned to their path and walked on like nothing had ever happened. It was for the best to forget. You can obviously tell why. Senna disappeared and rejoined with her deranged other self as the narrator types the last few lines of her story. Hmm, should there be a moral to all this madness? How about: Never underestimate the Power of Cheese!
Or here's a better one: Never stay up writing fanfiction past 3 o'clock in the morning.
The End.