A/N- I'd like to say before I start I got this idea from '26 things I hate about you' by airotci. I loved it so much I'm doing my version I don't know what I'm calling it yet so I don't know whether I've stolen the title or not. Anyway usual disclaimer I don't own Voldy or Harry surprise surprise. Enjoy oh and review
Mr. Harry J. Potter
The Great Hall
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Some undefined location within the British Isles
In fact why am I even writing this, its being sent by owl
Dear Harry,
It may surprise you to learn that being an evil genius is not all its cracked up to be, sure you have the power but thanks YOU I have being forced into hiding, yeah remind me to thank you for that, but I digress. You may be wondering why I am writing to you I would hazard a guess and say it is probably not the norm for arch nemesis to correspond with each other, and it would be understandable if you were cautious of this letter however I want to reassure you that nothing bad can come of simply reading it. As I believe I mentioned earlier due to certain allegations of war crimes, crimes against humanity etc my followers and myself have been forced underground. There is only so much plotting one man can do and thus I am left with a large amount of spare time on my hands, at a loss with what to do with my newly found freedom I have begun taking creative writing classes. I know many who would scoff if they knew this so I'm asking you to keep it under your hat, basically I wrote this poem and was so thrilled with the results I decided to send it on in hope you'll take heed and go stand in the ministry firing range.
Albus, you're on Dumbledore's side, therefore you must die
Big. I'm big you're small thus I am right and you are wrong, oh how easily the worlds problems could be solved through the use of simple logic.
Cedric. Ok you got away the first time I'll give you that I'll even laugh haha see, I can laugh too. But that time I had you cornered it was so perfect, the one thing that would bring you victory would also bring you death, the irony was a rather nice touch don't you think? But oh bloody no you couldn't just die like a good boy no, you had to bring that stupid poser along and get him killed instead of you, a rather neat trick, I must applaud you on that.
Diary, I was doing so well and you had to ruin it didn't you, I had her you little four-eyed twat, but oh bloody no, bloody Harry Potter comes to save poor little Weaslette. Oh look I'm Harry Potter I'll save you Ginny I can do anything because I'm the boy-who-lived well la de bloody da. Also thanks to you that dragon hide cover will never be the same again, do you know how many Norwegian horntails I had to fight to get that, but oh no you don't think about that when you're doing your saving the world crap do you?
Etiquette, you and Weasel eat like pigs, this offends me and my upbringing.
Followers. You annoy my loyal minions, and however amusing it is to see Lucius Malfoy slammed into a wall by a house elf; it isn't good for team morale.
Gene pool. Dude, your polluting it. I mean lets face it your not the sharpest crayon in the box are you, you're as ugly as hell and although I must admit your skills on a broom are pretty impressive that's as far as any talent you have stretches. To let you live long enough to reproduce would be the real crime against humanity.
Hermionie. You're best friends with a mudblood, that I could learn to forgive, but you're not just friends with any mudblood you're friends with the only student in Hogwarts history ever to beat me in an exam, hurting you hurts her, therefore you must die. She is also a spoilsport and that's just annoying.
I just don't like you, you're small, you're weak and you have an annoying tendency to turn up just as I stand on the brink of world domination.
James, Lilly was hot and I was winning her round then along comes your bloody Father and suddenly my undying love isn't enough. Ooh apparently she's too good for an ugly sod like me. A few more years that's all I would have needed and then she would have been mine, mine I say mmmmiiinnnnneeeee.
Killing curses are supposed to kill you, the clues in the name really, but no, the boy-who-bloody-lived WON'T BLOODY DIE. Go on show me one other person who has survived it, you can't can you? You know why? 'Cos you're a freak. For gods sake the easiest bloody thing you' could do in your life and you can't even manage that.
Lungs, yours specifically, they continue to work, this a problem we must overcome.
My life is precious to me, yours is not, I die, you live, I live you die, hmmnnn 3 guesses as to which one I would choose.
Never, ever touch my basilisk again, do you know how old he was? 839, he survived 7 wars, 5 natural disasters, 2 fires, a flood, 3 shotguns and a waffle iron and then he's killed by a schoolboy and a bird, do you have any idea how humiliating that must be?
Opticians, find a new one for gods sake, those glasses have been broken since the first year.
Pomphrey, every bloody time you're on deaths door that intolerable woman thinks it's a good idea to bring you back, its not. As soon as you're dead I'll show her where to stick her thermometer.
Quirrel the man was a genius, he could have being my victory and you turned him into a quivering wreck, have you noticed everyone seems to run from you screaming? Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
Ron, he's a Weasley, you're affiliated with him, therefore you must die, do you see a pattern emerging here?
Severus, he was perfect, smart, grumpy, a complete lack of morals and a ability to cast a killing curse at 20 paces but oh bloody no you have to convert him don't you. Greasy haired git.
The light side had a serious lack of cookies
Ugliness, if it was against the law I'd be paid for executing you, but no the ministry slip up and suddenly I'm the criminal, this is a travesty of justice if ever I saw one.
Voldy, Morty and all those other pathetic nicknames I've been given, I blame you, and you alone.
Wizards, I'm the best one, therefore what I say goes.
Xylophone I can't play it, for some unknown reason, I blame you.
You're my arch nemesis; protocol states that your death must be at my hands, you can't go daddling with destiny.
Zonkos joke shop, I have still not forgiven your father and his friends for the whoopie cushion they put on my seat in 5th year.
I hope you enjoyed it I certainly did.
Best regards for a speedy and permanent death
Lord Voldemort
A/N- Yes I know its crappy but it has kept me entertained for a while so I don't really care. I don't know if Voldy really was at school with James and Lilly so please don't message or review to say they weren't. (update: apparently he wasn't) What else oh yeah I don't own any characters and like I said the plot idea was from airtci (if you happen to be reading I hope you don't mind). Erm oh yeah I've been made aware by a reviewer for another story that my grammar could do with improving I've checked it through and it looks ok but I apologize profusely for any errors that may be in here. Thanks for reading.
Emofish