Chapter 1:
Retirement Via Neuralyzer
The stars all twinkle in the night sky, millions of them. Down on Earth, however, a dragonfly flys around in the night. It zooms above the road, dodging cars, until it splats unceremoniously on the windshield of a white van tearing down the road at way beyond the speed limit. "Darn bugs." says the driver, wiping it off with the wipers. In the back of the van were a bunch of Mexican immigrants. Suddenly, the driver slammed his foot on the brakes, causing the van to come to a screeching halt. A group of cars were blocking the road, all of them had "INS" stenciled on the doors. The leader, Agent Janus, went over to the driver and said "Where you comin' from?" The driver said "I was fishing in Cuernavaca." "Really?" said Agent Janus, "What do you say we have a look at your catch?" He went to the back of the van, opened the doors and shook his head when he saw all the illegal immigrants in there. "If it were me, I woulda thrown 'em back."
All the immigrants had gotten out of the van and had formed a line, and the driver was being restrained by two INS agents. "What do you get Nick?" asked Janus, "A hundred bucks a head? Two hundred? I hope you saved it all for your lawyer, pal, 'cause you're gonna need..." He stopped in the middle of his sentence, turned around, and saw another car approaching, fast. All the other INS agents drew their weapons as the car swerved around and stopped in front of their cars. Two men in clad black suits and ties stepped out. One of the men, F, had green hair and looked to be in his mid-fifties, the other one, D, was noticeably older than F and had silver hair. "We'll take it from here." said F. "Who the heck are you?" asked Janus "INS division 6." replied F, flashing some sort of ID. "Division 6? I never heard of division 6." said Janus "Really?" asked F, as he and D pushed past them and looked at the row of nervous immigrants. "What're we thinkin' D?" asked F, "Tough call, F" said D.
F started to walk down the line of immigrants, greeting each one of them in spanish, until he got to the fifth immigrant, who didn't speak a word of spanish. "We got a winner." He said, then, to the rest of the immigrants, in spanish, he said "The rest of you are free to go. Scram!" Janus looked shocked as the rest of the immigrants run off into the rear of the van and the driver, Nick, is freed and drives away. He then turns to F, "Sir, you can't just..." "Don't you "Sir" me!" said F, "You have no idea who you're dealing with!" There was silence as F said "We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You boys can hit the road...and keep on protecting us from dangerous aliens." The stunned INS agents just stood there as F and D escorted their captive over a small hill on the side of the road. "You ever heard of division 6?" Janus asked another agent, "There is no division 6." He said, "Then who were those guys?" asked another agent.
F and D lead their captive into a clearing behind desert brush; D pulled out an enormous handgun and used it to keep him in line. "I think you jumped off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo." said F, "In fact, I'll bet dollars to pesos that you're not..." F pulled out a small laser device, which he used to cut open the front of the man's clothes. "...anywhere from here." finished F. The man's clothes fell away revealing a small, scaly, blue alien about four and a half feet tall, with snail-like tentacles and millions of independently moving eyes on separate stalks. The only part of his disguise that hadn't fallen away was the humanesque "head", which was mounted on a stick, which he was still holding. "Mikey?!" cried F "When did they let you out of jail?" Mikey responds with an unfathomable combination of pops, squeaks, grunts, whistles, and other various noises. Somehow, F and D understood Mikey, and F said "Political refugee. Right." "You know how many treaty articles you've just violated?" D asked, to which Mikey responds with a lame "Squeak?" "One?" said F "Try seven." "From unauthorized immigration to failure to properly inoculate prior to landing." added D. Mikey tried to object to these accusations, but F stopped him. "Okay, that's enough." interrupted F "Hand me your head and put up your arms." Behind Mikey, the two men heard a terrified gasp, they look over and see Janus standing there, staring at them. Mikey had seen him too, and abandoned the remains of his disguise to start running toward the now-screaming Janus. "D! Shoot him!" shouted F. D tried to shoot Mikey, but kept missing due to his poor eyesight. Mikey was almost upon Janus, but F managed to pull out his shiny, weird-looking pistol just in time and shoot him before he got to Janus.
Mikey splattered into bright blue goo all over Janus, and a good portion of the clearing. F went over to comfort Janus, who was now shaking in fear. "Th-th-th..." Janus stuttered. "That," finished F "was not human, I know. Oops, you've got some entrails on you, buddy." F pulled out a handkerchief and wiped off the agent's face. All the other agents ran down to the clearing, shouting questions. "Okay everybody, situation's under control, calm down." said F "If you'll just give me your attention for a moment I'll tell you what happened." F pulled a small, tubular device out of his pocket, and set a dial on the device to "08". "This is called a "neuralyzer" a gift from some friends out of town. The red eye here isolates and measures the electronic impulses in your brain. More specifically, the ones for memory." Six more Men In Black ran down to the clearing and F started barking orders at them. "What the heck is going on?! Who are you? Really?" asked an agent. "Really?" said F "I'm just a figment of your imagination." F held up the neuralyzer, put on his own pair of black sunglasses, pushed a button on the side, and there was a blinding flash for about one-tenth of a second, then the agents stared at him blankly. "Man, we're a gullible species." said F. When the agents finally came back into focus, the Men In Black were putting out the fire that they themselves had started. F went up to them and said "I mean it, fellas, you are lucky to be alive after a blast like that." "What blast?" asked Janus, confused. "Underground gas vein, genius." Lied F "You guys need to exercise more caution before discharging your firearms." He jabbed a finger into Janus's chest "Especially you." "Now, go get yourself cleaned up, you look like a rhesus monkey wearing a powdered wig."
D had moved away from them all and was sitting down on a rock, staring at the night sky. F found him and sat down next to him. "Sorry about what happened...back there." said D. "Happens." said F. "Didn't used to." said D. He looked down at his hands, which trembled with age. "My spirit's willing, F, but the rest of me..." They both knew exactly what had to happen, it was time for D to retire. In the organization they came from, they had a special way of retiring people. D looked up at the stars, millions of them, shining all at once. "They're beautiful, aren't they?" said D. "What?" said F. "The stars. We never just...look. Anymore." He turned back to F, "I'll tell ya, F, I will miss the chase." F pulled out his neuralyzer and pointed it at D, "No, you won't." Then there was a flash, and everything went black.