The True Story of Santa Claus (Involving Trump)
(Disclaimer: No offense is intentionally meant to Hillary supporters. No offense is intentionally meant to Hillary Clinton. No offense is intentionally meant to Santa Claus in my story. And no racism is intentionally meant to any race mentioned in this story. This is just a weird story. Also, this is my first fanfic, so I don't know how to divide it into chapters otherwise I would.)
Donald J. Trump was walking in Marie Daley park in Rochester, New York at 7:00 P.M. (where he was staying in Hilton, which is a classy 5-star hotel). He was thinking about how annoying Hillary was, and how stupid Santa Claus was. Seeing all those kiddies at the mall, lined up to take pictures with Santa, and really triggered him. Why didn't the kids want to take pictures with him? Also Hillary was just plain annoying, and her supporters kept trying to riot in the cities, protesting his big, beautiful, soon-to-be built American wall.
So anyway, Trump was walking in the park. He was also playing Pokemon Go on his IPhone 7. Then he saw this homeless guy wearing a black sweatshirt sleeping next to a tree (an American tree, by the way). Trump got and idea...what if he hired the homeless guy to be Santa Claus, and give all the Hillary supporters coal for Christmas? And then he could give all the Trump supporters a collectible Trump hat ornament ($149.99, I'm not kidding, it actually exists. Google it) for Christmas!
Trump slid his Iphone 7 in the pocket of his American made suit and rubbed his hands together. He smiled evilly to himself-this was gonna be great!
He approached the homeless guy and shook his shoulder roughly. "Wake up, I have an amazing job offer for you!" he said. The homeless guy rolled over and saw Trump. "Doritos." he muttered. He smelled like a dumpster. Trump decided this might have not been the best idea, but since he'd already woken up the homeless guy, he just went on with his plan. "Uh, so...I have an amazing job offer for you!" Trump said. "Doritos?" asked the homeless guy. "Um...okay...what's your name?" asked Trump, changing his strategy. "Royce King the Fifth." muttered the homeless guy. Trump rethought his plan. "Well, okay. So...I can get you Doritos if you follow my directions, okay, Royce King...the Fifth?" "DORITOS?!" said Royce, sitting straight up. "Um...yes. Doritos. So, you're hired!" said Trump. "For Doritos?" said Royce. "Um...yes." agreed Trump, not understanding Royce's obsession with Doritos. "Ok, so just, um, stand up and follow me to that hotel I'm staying at."
Trump led Royce to the Hilton and into the classy American lobby (With real diamond chandeliers! Very classy.). "Okay, stay here, Royce." he said. He went straight to the check-in desk (real granite) and told the receptionist, "So, hey, I'm THE PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES. Get me another penthouse suite on the top floor of this hotel." Trump took several hundred-dollar bills out of his pocket. "Okay, how much are they? One, two, three-" Trump started counting hundred-dollar bills. "Um, Mr. Trump- I-I mean, P-President Trump- I mean, P-President Elect Trump, t-that's really not necessary," stuttered the receptionist. She started typing stuff into the American-made computer on her desk. "...twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen! Keep the change." Trump shoved the money towards the receptionist. He then noticed that the receptionist had a name tag which read "April". April took the money and started typing in stuff in the computer. "Your room number is 1901, Mr.-I-I mean, President Elect, Trump." said April, sliding the key across the desk. Trump was staring a a picture of the Hilton on the wall behind the receptionist and thinking about his nice, big wall. "Um, President Elect T-Trump?" Trump stopped staring at the picture. "What?" "Um, P-president Elect T-trump, here's your key." "Oh, uh, thanks, April." Trump took the key, turned, and started walking towards Royce. Soon...a wall is going to be on that border… he thought.
Trump reached the corner where Royce was standing unobtrusively in. "Okay, Royce, here's your key. You're in room 1901." said Trump. Royce just stared at Trump. "Doritos?" he asked (predictably). Trump sighed. "FINE. I'll show you how to open a door. Follow me." Trump started walking towards the American-made elevators. Royce, realizing he needed to follow Trump to get his Doritos, followed him.
Trump and Royce King the Fifth walked out of the elevator onto the 19th floor. They went to room 1901, which had a classy, grayish, American-made door that said 1901. "Okay, this is how you open a hotel door, Royce. You slide the card in like this, and then take it out." Trump demonstrated that. The key card reader thingy flashed green, and Trump opened the door. "I'll get some Doritos for you. Also, take a bath. You stink." said Trump. He handed Royce the key.
As instructed, Royce took a bath. Trump (who had another key to Royce's room) got one of his servants to leave Royce ten giant bags of nacho cheese Doritos (because those kind are the tastiest) and some new made in the U.S. clothes. So Royce put those on after his bath. Then the ripped open one of the giant bags of Doritos and started just grabbing the chips and thrusting them in his mouth. He finished one bag in five minutes (And those were the Party Size bags). Then he moved on the the second bag. And the third, and the fourth, and the fifth...well, you get the idea.
While Royce was eating his Doritos, Trump was on Skype talking to CNN about his plans for his first 100 days of his presidency. After he did that, he kicked his shoes off and walked to his bed. He fell asleep quickly.
Donald Trump woke up early in the morning and picked up his Iphone from the hotel's nightstand to start typing some tweets on Twitter about his first 100 days. He especially liked writing tweets at 3:00 A.M., which gave the media something to talk about-him! After about an hour of typing some Tweets on Twitter, he decided to go back to sleep.
At about 9:00, Trump used his key card to open the door to Royce's room. Royce was crashed out on his bed, which was the first bed he'd slept on in months. "Royce, wake up!" said Trump, shaking Royce's shoulder roughly. "What?" muttered Royce. He sat up and stared at Trump, blinking rapidly. "Okay, so we're going to educate you about you job. Sit here." said Trump, gesturing toward an American-made table in front of a fluffy, green, American-made sofa. Trump sat on the sofa. Royce sleepily followed him and also sat on the sofa. "Okay, so your job is to replace Santa Claus. You're going to give presents-" started Trump. "Who's Santa Claus?" asked Royce. Trump stared at Royce happily-finally, someone who knew him and not Santa!. "You don't know who Santa Claus is?" said Trump. "Who?" asked Royce. "Okay. Let me explain." said Trump. Santa Claus is basically a stalker. He knows when you're sleeping and when you're awake. He also comes in your home, when you're sleeping, on Christmas morning to give presents. They also have fake Santa Clauses in malls where people take pictures with them." Trump frowned slightly, remembering his thought yesterday about people not wanting to take pictures with him. "Oh, that fat guy who dresses up in red?" said Royce. "Well, yeah, that guy. You're going to be Santa Claus, and you're only going to give presents to the Trump supporters. You're gonna give coal to the Hillary supporters, and if you can't tell who they support, just give them, like, candy or something. That's basically your job description." said Trump. "Also, I'm going to give you a small loan of a million dollars every year. You can spend that on Doritos and stuff." "Doritos?!" (Yep. Royce still wanted Doritos.) "Um, yeah. Also you're probably gonna have to live in the North Pole, so I'll build you a house. We also have a flight to the North Pole at about noon." said Trump. "Why are we going to the North Pole?" asked Royce. "Um, that's where Santa supposedly lives." said Trump. "So that's why you're gonna live in the North Pole. So I'll have someone get you at about eleven and you can ride in my private plane, the Boeing 757 with a giant 'Trump' painted on it! I gotta go now, I need to hire someone. Bye." Trump stood up and walked out of Royce's American-made penthouse suite.
Trump sat down on the sofa on his suite and used his Iphone to text a friend on his, Isaac. Isaac was useful for, you know, threatening some of Hillary's supporters now and then. He also knew a variety of ways to kill people. So, yeah, Trump found Isaac useful now and then.
So Trump and Isaac's text conversation went something like this:
Trump: Hey Isaac, I need you to help me. You're gonna kill Santa Claus.
Isaac: Santa Claus doesn't exist, ya dummy
Trump: Um, have you seen those Santa Clauses at the mall? [Dumb face emoji]
Isaac: They're still alive?!
Trump: Isaac. Why. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Just meet me at eleven at the Hilton.
Isaac: K. What's the payment?
Trump: Um, you want a small loan of a million dollars or the bodies of whoever's with Santa? That includes Santa, of course.
Isaac: Bodies
Trump: Sure. If we can't find Santa, then you can just get an all you can eat buffet on my private airplane, the epically awesome Boeing 757 with "Trump" written on it.
Isaac: Deal
So that was Trump and Isaac's text message conversation.
Anyway, Trump, Royce, and Isaac met at Trump's classy American made car. Trump got his driver to drive them to Greater Rochester International Airport, where Trump's epically awesome Boeing 757 with "Trump" on it was waiting for them. Isaac also saw Royce when he got into the car. "Hey, Trump, is that my payment? Or did you just bring a snack?" asked Isaac, looking at Royce. "What? Who? Oh, no, not him." replied Trump. "Your payment comes later. I need this one." Isaac looked disappointed and started fishing around in the black leather backpack he'd brought with him. He took out a book with the title 101 Ways to Murder People and started reading it. Royce shivered and pulled his dark blue American made jacket more tightly around him. He'd deduced that Isaac was a cannibal, based on Trump's comments about him and Isaac's book.
Trump, Isaac, and Royce arrived at the airport and went into Trump's Boeing 757 and saw a giant buffet table filled with salad (yes, healthy stuff), Doritos, mac and cheese, a giant roast pig with an apple in its mouth (Yes. Happy Hunger Games.), steak and potatoes, lasagna, and other American foodsies. Royce's eyes widened at the food, especially the Doritos-he'd never seen this much food in his life. Isaac, however, looked disappointed. "Where are the humans?" he muttered under his breath. "Food isn't good without humans." Royce heard that and shivered again. Trump, however, didn't seem to care. "All you can eat buffet, free of charge." he said. "It's all made in the U.S.A., too." One of Trump's servants provided Royce, Trump, and Isaac with American-made plastic plates. Isaac took some fried chicken, steak, and roast beef (Yes. He likes meat. What did you think?). Royce just grabbed the Doritos. Trump sat there on his phone, playing Pokemon Go and eating some filet mignon, or whatever rich people eat.
Anyway, Trump, Royce, and Isaac finally arrived at the North Pole. Trump got his American-made black parka and prepared to go outside into the rain. Isaac got his backpack and put his Murder 101 book in there, and stood up. "Ok, guys, we're going to meet this 'Santa' " said Trump dubiously. "Anyway, let's go!" So they exited the plane.
Once they left the plane (and I guess they abandoned the pilot), they immediately saw a giant, bright red building in the distance (probably not made in America). Isaac asked the obvious question: "What's that?" "IDK. Maybe someone lives there. Or maybe this 'Santa' person lives here." Trump said doubtfully. "Let's find out."
Trump, Isaac, and Royce walked towards the mysterious building (Isaac hoping Santa existed so he could eat him). When they reached it, Trump saw a door, which was only identifiable by the small window set at the top of the door. He opened it. "It isn't locked? Whoever lives in here is stupid." muttered Trump. They went in the mysterious building (Not sure why they'd do that, but whatever).
The first thing they saw was the huge fat guy sitting on a giant white armchair. He was holding a party size bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. He stared at them as he slowly lifted a Dorito to his mouth. "Doritos!" exclaimed Royce. He glanced around the room to see if Santa Claus (that's who the fat guy probably is) had a secret stash of Doritos. Sadly, he didn't see any Doritos, but he did see a bunch of presents piled up in a corner of the huge room they were in. Maybe there's Doritos in those boxes… wondered Royce. He started thinking about Doritos. Trump, however, was thinking about how to conduct this conversation. Obviously, he wanted to introduce himself because he was important. "Hello, Santa Claus. I'm Donald Trump, President-Elect of the United States, and these are my...companions, Royce King the Fifth and Isaac." Trump gestured at Royce and Isaac as he was introducing them. "Payment." Isaac muttered. "Sure, but not now," muttered Trump to Isaac. Santa stared at Trump. "But...I voted for Hillary." said Santa, staring at Trump. Trump stared at Santa, confused. "Why would you vote for Hillary? Why?!" asked Trump. He stared at Santa in shock. "Okay, this conversation is over. Go get 'em, Isaac." "YES!" shouted Isaac. Taking a knife that was hidden in his jacket, he started to violently dismember Santa Claus. (To keep this rated T, I'm gonna omit the dismembering part. Sadly.)
"Um, Royce, why don't we explore this nice place you're gonna move into." said Trump, not wanting to see the bloody mess Santa was on the floor. Right now, Santa was in several pieces, and the bloody piece of meat that used to be his head was moaning, differently from when he was screaming a few minutes ago (Oh, well. I guess it's still kind of rated T. There's not that much violence...right?). Trump felt slightly nauseated from the violence he was seeing and the scent of blood in the air, so he really wanted to leave the room. "Um, yes, sir." replied Royce. He, like Trump, felt nauseated. "Ok, let's go." Trump and Royce left the room for one of the side doors that was located in the back of the room.
Trump randomly selected one of the four side doors that were in front of him. He opened the door and went inside the room that the door led to. Royce, having nothing to do, followed Trump. However, Trump saw something in the room that made him stop in his tracks-Hillary supporters. The whole room was filled with Hillary posters, Hillary banners, and a lot of people were there, wearing Hillary T-shirts, Hilary hats (They'd copied his hats, Trump thought), Hillary buttons, etc. etc. Trump's jaw actually dropped at the sight of all the Hillary supporters. He considered calling Isaac over to take care of these Hillary supporters, but wasn't really in the mood to see more blood and hear the anguished screams of the Hillary supporters. He decided to use them as slaves. "Hey, Royce, why don't you use these Hillary supporters as your...servants? You need someone to clean up the place anyway." suggested Trump. "We aren't gonna work for you, Trump. Hillary for life!" yelled one male Asian Hillary supporter. The rest of the Hillary supporters cheered on the Asian, and shouted uncomplimentary things about Trump. "Oh, fine." Trump said sadly. "I guess I'll have to ask Isaac to kill you all. I mean, I don't think you'll be able to all fit on my airplane. Hmm...unless you're in Isaac's stomach, I guess."
The Hillary supporters' faces paled. "Oh, I guess if you don't want to be eaten, you could work for Royce here." Trump suggested, motioning towards Royce. His plan was to get the Hillary supporters as servants to work for Royce. "I'll pay you, too. I mean, I would rather have you alive than dead." "What! That's a horrible deal!" the Asian that had spoken out before shouted. "You want a third option?" Trump raised his eyebrows. "How about you work for Royce and I don't pay you?" All the options were horrible, but Trump forced the Hillary supporters to choose one. They all ended up choosing to get paid and work for Trump, which was the best option they had. Trump, being a very busy man, decided to go back to New York. He left Royce and Royce's new servants in the room and started walking out of Royce's new house (not made in America). However, Trump stopped in shock (again) after seeing Isaac's mess in the floor. "What did you do, Isaac?" gasped Trump.
(The End-to keep this rated T)