The Snog of Deadly Misery.
Sirius' PoV.
Disclaimer: Neither Lara or I are J K Rowling. Good guess though!
I was enjoying a particularly good snog with a Hufflepuff girl named Betty. We were just getting into the heat of the kiss when she pulled away. I wasn't happy about the sudden change, but I guess I'd put up with it. He was going to dump her in a few hours anyway.
Or so he thought.
She sighed contently. "Sirius, I'm so in love with you, I feel like I could tell you anything!" She gushed.
I smiled in spite of the very bad turn in my good day. "That's great." I lied.
"I just need to tell someone more about myself. And you are just the perfect person!" I sighed and leaned back against the wall of the broom closet. This was going to be a long discussion, I thought.
"Well, where to start…" And she talked. Talked for hours about her life and her old school. I was just about to fall asleep, when something she said caught my attention and brought me to a position of sitting straight up with wide eyes.
"I absolutely detest dogs!"
"Wait! What was that last thing you said?" I asked worriedly.
"Dogs, you know those disgusting, drooling, slobbery, noisy, smelly creatures. I despise them."
"Wh-why would you say that?" I could feel my face grow pale with every word she spoke.
"Look at them! They're hideous! And messy! And disgusting! My dad shot one the other night. He wrote me about it. It was going to be hit by a car, so he shot it to take it out of its misery. Turned out the car swerved. But now we have a lovely new dog-skin rug!"
"Yeah?" My face was pale, my voice notched up a few octaves.
"Yeah! Oh! I didn't even begin to tell you about my family! My mother, she drowned trying to kill a swimming dog." I must have gasped in horror at the thought of my own demise, because she soon said, "I know, isn't it really sad? But, anyway, she got the dog! And my brother, he likes fire. A lot. An unnatural love of fire. He likes to burn the bodies of my ex boyfriends. Isn't that really sweet?"
My face was white. My eyes were wide. All thoughts of dumping this chick had flown from my head in an instant. "Yeah, he sounds like a real sweet heart." My voice was dazed and not my own.
"He is!" She continued to gush. "And before that, he beheads them!"
"He does?" I tried to make it sound like I was overjoyed about that. It came out more like a whimper.
"And my baby brother, he likes to chew through wood! And my boyfriends. It's really cute!"
"He sounds adorable." Oh God! I needed to get out of here and fast! Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!
"And my dad hangs up my ex's heads on our wall! It's like a memorial of their stupid choice to dump me!"
"Would you look at the time? Dinner's calling me for James, got to go!" I looked at my watch less wrist and ran from the broom closet and to the great hall before realizing my sentence was a little off. I was definitely disoriented.
"James!" I screamed, my voice still too high for my liking. He turned after a moment to look at me, eyes worried.
He groaned. "What did you do this time, Padfoot?" I glared at him quickly before remembering my crazed girlfriend.
"No! It's this girl I was snogging!" I started.
"Oh brother," James said as Remus rolled his eyes.
"No! Take me seriously! She's a psychopath! And her family! They hate dogs and her mum died while killing a dog and her dad hangs boyfriend heads on the wall and her brother burns people and her baby brother chews through boyfriends!" I panted. I was nearly hysterical. James and Remus looked at me like I was crazy.
"Sirius are you sure…" Remus started.
"Yes I'm sure! She just told me and… I'm a dog… and a boyfriend… and I was going to dump her… but now I don't dare to! Think of what her family will do to me?" I was in hysterics. I was panting for air. How could I die? I was so young!
"Listen, Padfoot, I think you're overreacting…" James began, only to be cut off by none other than Sirius.
"I do not ever over exaggerate anything!" I roared.
"Yes you do, but I said overreact, not over exaggerate." James smirked at my obvious lack of attention.
"I don't do that either!" And with that I huffed away. My friends were no help anyway…
"Sirius!" Oh no! It was her! I thought about running, but… I didn't eat and my energy level was really low and, I didn't run. I turned slowly to face my doom.
"Hi, Sirius. I just wanted to say thanks for listening to closely to everything I had to say, and I know that next time will be even better! So, are you ready to tell me about your family?" I contemplated this in my mind. She wouldn't be able to tell me about her fire obsessive brother, but what was I supposed to say? My brothers a death eater, my parents aren't, but support the dark lord, you know that guy who's trying to take over the world and kill all those people? Yeah, that sounds like a nice life story!
"Er, my family's not really that interesting… How about we don't talk for a bit?" I suggested.
"What are you suggesting?" She looked hurt. "Do you not care what I have to say? Is this the stage before you break up with me?" My mind race through thoughts, most of which involved my head resting on her wall.
"No!" I screamed. "I just thought…" What did I thought? "I thought… That… We should take a brake for today! You can talk all you want tomorrow, but don't you think you've told me enough today?"
"Well, I guess you're right. I'll see you tomorrow then! Bye Sirius!" She turned and skipped down the hall. I stood in my tracks for a few seconds before I heard laughter behind me. I whipped around and saw James, Remus, and Peter standing before me.
"How's you're girlfriend doing?" James asked smirking.
"It sounds like a very nice relationship. Though you really should tell her about your family," Remus scolded. I glared at him.
"The only problem I could see was that when she came over, you stiffened up and turned real pale!" Peter piped up.
"I hate you guys." I muttered. "I'm going through a time where the chance of me dying is so high, and you're joking around about my death!" They laughed harder. I groaned and stomped off to the dormitories. My restless sleep was filled with visions of my head hanging on a wall.
Morning couldn't have come sooner, much to my dismay. I opened my eyes on a bright Sunday morning.
I need a plan.
"James." I said jumping onto his bed "You need to help me break up with my girlfriend."
"Go… away… you… fucking moron." James said in a tone that would have been peaceful, if it weren't for the startling curses to his BESTest best friend!
"Is that honestly how you treat me? Your bestest best friend! Fine, I'll wake Moony up!" I then proceeded to Remus' bed to pour water upon the sleeping boy.
Remus eyes flashed open before I could dump water on him. "You will not dump that on me." It was a statement that I thought about making false, but the look upon the face of a wolf-boy stopped me. Remus could look quite evil when he tried. Actually he looked utterly malevolent!
"I need help." I started.
"Coffee first." Remus said simply. I glared at him.
"I have a very serious issue and you…"
"Don't want to hear it till I get my coffee!" He bellowed in my face. Fine, I thought.
"PETER!" I sang, skipping to his bed and prodding him viciously. I was replied by an exceptionally loud snore. "Some help you are!" I muttered as I turned back to James and Remus. James had fallen back into a peaceful slumber. We couldn't have that!
Levicorpus, I thought, picking my wand up off of my side table. James was suddenly suspended in midair.
"You " (This content has been taken out for… creative language of males who do not like being woken by suspension in midair.)
What would his mother say? "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, James." I told him calmly. "Now, I need help…"
"Let me down." James said angrily.
"That girl, you know the one from last night, yeah, I want to break up with her and…"
"Let me down." James said again with more malice.
"And she wants to behead me if I do that. So I want to break up with her, but should I…"
"Sirius, if you don't get me down from here this instant I'll cut off all of your hair while you're sleeping. Let. Me. Down."
"No! Not my beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, down-right wonderful, marvelous…"
"Shut the hell up and let me down NOW!" James screamed louder than Lily when she is particularly angry. I decided that he must really want to get down. "Sirius, if you don't…" But I let James down -rather painfully- before he could say anything more. He was being quite rude.
The next thing I knew I'm being knocked to the ground and viciously punched, kicked, scratched, and bitten. I felt him tugging at my hair, trying to tear it out. "No!" I screeched. "No! No! No! Remus, help me!" I shrieked.
Remus, however, was nearly falling off of his bed laughing. This was not funny. Okay, so if it were James and Peter it might be funny. Well, it'd be very funny.
"Remus!" I shrieked. After a few more moments (and painful tugs of the hair) later, Remus tore James away from me and sent him to the other side of the room.
We stood there, glaring at each other. "Mmm… I'm hungry." Peter mumbled groggily. "What's up with those two?" Peter indicated to James and me.
"Nothing, Peter. They're just morons who had a small spat." Remus responded.
So that's chapter one. There will be one more chapter, I think. Probably one more. Maybe we'll write that after food. Food's good. Review!