Things Lord Voldemort Would Never Do For a Klondike Bar:

1) Anything sexual involving Bellatrix Lestrange.

2) Check for monsters in the closet and/or under the bed.

3) Trust Severus Snape (again).

4) Let Harry Potter live.

5) Tap dance. (It would ruin his reputation!)

6) Admit that he even likes eating Klondike bars.

7) Be kind to animals other than snakes.

8) Sleep with a baby doll named Connie in order to make himself feel safe at night.

9) Sing "I Feel Pretty" (using the original lyrics—the ones with the word "gay").

10) Admit to the Death Eaters that he is, in fact, a half-blood.

11) Attend a tea party. Any tea party.

12) Use that nice moisturizing lotion Narcissa gave him for that "freshly resurrected" look.

13) Decide to become "Volde-Man", champion of Muggle-borns and Muggles alike.

14) Frolic in sunny meadows for the same reason as #5.

15) Wear a French maid's costume in order to take care of the cleaning at the Riddle House.

16) Bottom for Harry Potter (y'all know what I mean . . .).

17) Borrow Dolores Umbridge's pink sweater.

18) Attend group therapy to deal with his issues, including but not limited to: megalomaniacal tendencies, superiority complex, abandonment and psychopathic tendencies.

19) Offer cookies as an incentive for prospective Death Eaters.

20) Not kill anyone after reading this list . . .