Author Note:
Random: What is up people!
Hikaru: This is a little two shot that has been clogging her file so she wants it off.
Kaoru: Needs more room for other sorties.
Random: Thank you my muses. I wrote this while waiting for the epilogue to my story 'Stuff Happens' is being betaed. So those people that have read it and are waiting it will be out soon! As Hikaru said this is just a two-shot thing maybe a three-shot, depends on how long it gets. Disclaimer and warnings please twins.
Hikaru: DISCLAIMER: Random does not own me, my brother or the BTR boys. She is just borrowing for the purpose of this story.
Kaoru: WARNINGS: There is going to be some slash boy love in here, don't like don't read please. Also some morbid themes like cutting and anorexia.
Random: I wrote this because something like this happened at my school recently and I wanted to get awareness out there. It is about cyber bullying. Someone at my school actually did something like this on twitter except it was all the people at the school, not just one person. I guess this could go with the anti-bullying thing going on, but I didn't write it for that. So anyway please read and review!
*YOU CAN READ NOW*
Kendall sat around the kitchen table with his best friends, laughing and with out a care in the world. Carlos and Logan were bickering as per usual. Something about Carlos going on a strict no corndog diet. He didn't know all he cared about was this wonderful moment he was sharing with his friends.
"But why, Logie? You know I love corndogs." The Latino wined.
"Because Carlos, this obsession of yours is unhealthy! I found your corndog stash in the bathroom, Carlos. The BATHROOM! This needs to stop." Logan yelled flailing his arms.
Kendall scrunched up his nose. "Really? You found it in the bathroom? Why would you even need one in there?" He asked in part disgust, and part disbelief.
The caramel boy grumbled. "I get hungry in the shower."
James barked out a laugh. "How would you eat it, Carlitos? Wouldn't the dog get all soggy and gross?"
Carlos brightened, straitening to tell the pretty boy all about his ingenious way on how to eat a corn dog in the shower, "Well I-"
"Carlos! We do not want to know about your eating habits in the bathroom!" Logan paused and thought over that sentence in his head. "That sentence should never have even been implied! You shouldn't be eating in the bathroom period!" Logan was nearing hysterical levels now.
"But I get hungry." Carlos wined again.
"You're always hungry." Logan snapped.
Kendall snorted, his friends where the weirdest people sometimes. Meh, what can you do? He loved them anyway, some more then others, but he didn't want to think about that right now. He'd get depressed and he liked the happy atmosphere he was in right now.
"Hey Kendall, can you get me another soda?" James asked sweetly.
"No." Was Kendall's blunt reply.
"Aw, why not? I'm thirsty." The pretty boy wined.
Kendall gave him a once over. "Are your legs broken?"
"No."
"Can you walk?"
"Yes."
"Do you have arms?"
"Yes." James was starting to get mad at the pointless questions the blonde was asking.
"Then get your own damn drink. I see no reason why I should get it for you." Kendall snaps.
"Pwease Kendy?" James says. And damn it he's imitating Katie's puppy dog eyes perfectly and he said Kendy. The nickname he gave Kendall when they were younger. He'd always cave whenever James used that name against him. Double damn.
Kendall looked away from the adorable sight of the boy in front of him; afraid if he didn't he'd end up kissing him. And that would freak James out and he'd hate him. "Fine." Kendall sighed interrupting his train of thought be for he got depressed. He got up and walked toward the kitchen.
"Thank you!" James said happily.
Kendall walked into the kitchen and over to the fridge, pulling out two cans of soda. He jumped when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He turned around and set the cans on the counter to pull out his phone. He thought it was another tweet from a fan, so he pulled it out to see what it said and reply to it. His brows furrowed in confusion upon seeing the tweet. The tweeters user name was KendallKnightHater. Confused on why someone would put that as their name he scrolled down to read the tweet.
KendallKnightHater: I don't understand this guy. His eyebrows don't match his hair and his nose is the size of a watermelon. I mean, BTR would be better off without him and this website agrees with me.
Kendall frowned. What? Could there really be a site dedicated to hating him. He clicked on the link after a moment of debating on if he really wanted to know this. The site opened and Kendall's frowned deepened. The whole site was dedicated to wanting him out of the band. Did people really think this? People actually wanted him kicked out of the band?
He scrolled down to read the comments, is heart constricting in pain with every hateful comment. They went from criticizing his hair and face to even go as far as calling him fat. He looked down at his stomach. He wasn't fat, wasn't he? Well, he didn't have James amazing abs and he really didn't work out, but he wasn't fat. He ran his hand over his stomach self-consciously. He guessed that he could lay off the sweets for awhile.
Kendall didn't really care all that much for how he looked, defiantly not as much as James, but these comments made him to start doubting how he looked. He couldn't help that his nose was big, or that his eyebrows were bushy. He brought his hand that was on his stomach to his hair. It was lifeless and dull.
"KENDALL!" James' voice broke him out of his trance, "What's taking you so long!"
Kendall shook his head, "Sorry! Got distracted! Be right there!" he yelled back, thankful his voice didn't break. He grabbed the cans of soda off the counter, looking down at them. He opened the fridge again putting one of the cans back in. He needed to cut back on his food intake. Those comments about his weight really bothered him.
He walked back to the guys, handing James his drink. James flashed Kendall his flawless smile. "Thanks Kendy." He said, opening the can and taking a sip.
Kendall's breath caught in his thought at the smile. James was such a beautiful boy, inside and out. His heart ached with longing. He was completely, undoubtedly, head-over-heals in love with the pretty boy. But James would never want him. There was a whole website listing why the boy wouldn't want him.
Kendall smiled back weakly, "Yeah." He whispered back. He turned away from James looking at the floor. "Hey guys I'm not feeling too well. I'm going to go lie down." He said. He left the room before the three could respond.
Kendall walked into his and James' room, then into the bathroom connected to it. He closed and locked the door behind him. He rested his hands on the sink and looked at him self in the mirror. He winced at his reflection. The people that commented on his looks were right. He was ugly and fat. He didn't understand why he didn't see it sooner. It was why James wouldn't want him and why Jo dumped his sorry ass and went to New Zealand.
He was unlovable.
He closed his eyes as pain shot threw him. The words his father said before he left coming back with full force. He'd never told anyone that he actually new why the man that was his father left. No one knew that the night he left he had come in to Kendall's room, drunk, and told him that he would never find love, he would never be happy, and that he would forever be worthless. He never believed them until today. Those comments on the website conforming what his father believed was true. What he now believed was true.
He felt sick. Quickly running over to the toilet next to the sink so he could throw up. He sighed, leaning his head against the rim of the seat. He felt a little better. At least the things he just threw up won't make him fatter.
His eyes flew open. That's it! That's how he will lose weight, along with not eating as much; he'll make himself attractive again. He reached for his tooth brush resting near the sink and lent over the toilet and stuck the brush in the back of his mouth to make himself gag. He threw up again, sighing with relief when the feeling of being lighter came over him. Continuing this process until nothing else would come out and he was just dry heaving over the bowl.
He stood up, flushing the toilet and washing off his tooth brush. After washing out his mouth, he walked over to the shower and turned it on. Once it was warm enough for him, he striped and got in. He sighed when the warm water hit his skin. He could feel himself relax somewhat.
Kendall washed quickly and turned the shower off and got out. Groaning when he remembered that he hadn't brought any clothes in with him, he wrapped a towel around his waist and grabbed another to dry his hair then walked out.
Kendall halted mid-step upon entering the room, seeing James on his bed reading a men fashion magazine… in just sweat pants. Kendall looked away quickly for fear of being caught staring and that would lead to a conversation Kendall didn't want to have. He wouldn't be able to stand the disgust and hate in James' eyes if he found out.
"Hey Kendall, do you think I'd look good in an ascot? You know, rock the whole Freddie look from Scooby-doo?" He called from the bed.
Kendall opened his mouth to reply but James cut him off. "Never mind I already know. I don't need your opinion because I can rock ANY look!" James cheered.
Kendall smiled and shook his head fondly. It immediately dropped when his fathers voice came into his head. 'He doesn't want your opinion Kendall because your horrible with fashion, horrible at everything. Worthless.' The voice hissed in his head. Kendall shut his eyes tightly, fighting back tires. He turned around and got his clothes, quickly sliding his boxer-briefs on under the towel and throwing the rest pf his clothes on, then quickly left the room.
James looked up at Kendall's hasty retreat. He quirked a eyebrow at the now closed door and shrugged, going back to his magazine.
Kendall nearly ran out of the apartment, ignoring the curious cries from Carlos. He needed out of their, now. He walked over to the stair-well and up to the roof. He sat down and looked up at the sky. It had gotten dark and the few stars you could see in the L.A. sky were shining. They reminded him of James. James was his star, his light in the darkness. James was his world and if he ever found out how he felt his star would hate his. He would truly be unloved.
Kendall's fathers voice flooded his mind again along with the comments from the website about his personality. The weight and his appearance he could at lest try to fix, but his personality, the person he was he couldn't. He couldn't take it anymore, the constant pain, he need something to distract him.
He looked around desperately for something, his vision blurry with tires. His eyes landed on a broken beer bottle. He quickly scrambled over to it. Picking it up and pulling up his shirt, he brought it to his stomach and cut. He shuddered as the could glass cut into is pale skin. He made another two cuts, before sighing with relief. He felt so much better.
Kendall glanced down at his phone noticing that it was late and he should probably get back. He cleaned himself up a bit in the lobbies restroom before going back to his apartment and walking into his shared room with James.
Kendall smiled at the sleeping form of James, wishing that he could crawl into bed with the pretty boy. He shook the feeling off and yawned quickly changing into pajama pants and shirt. Then crawling into bed and almost falling asleep immediately after his head hit the pillow. Today was emotionally and physically darning.
*Line break 'cause I still don't know how to do it*
This process continued. Kendall would only eat when he felt like he was going to faint from lack of nutrition or to satisfy his mothers worried stares. He also would sneak off from time to time to either go to the roof or the bathroom to cut when the pain got to be to much.
Reading comments from the website became a morbid obsession of Kendall's. He didn't know why he kept reading them, he just did. There was always a new comment about his appearance or personality and every time his broken heart would crack more. He thought that maybe he kept doing it because one day someone would post a comment defending him or one day the page wouldn't come up and instead the page that said the site didn't exist would.
James was getting worried himself. He'd noticed the change in Kendall's demeanor. Kendall wasn't as loud or happy like before. He would sneak off at odd times and not come back for hours. James also noticed that he would be constantly checking his phone and there would be a brief flash of pain before Kendall would mask it and look away. Kendall's appearance was suffering too. His skin was pale, boarding sickly, his normally golden shining hair was a dull shad of yellow, his usually piercing emerald green eyes that would always twinkly with mischief and laughter were now a hollow green. It was staring to scare James.
James was observant. People say that he was vain and self-centered, which was true, but when it came to his friend nothing could get past him. He knew when Logan was about to have a panic attack and how to calm him down. He could tell when Carlos was in pain from a resent stunt and trying to hide it. He could tell when Kendall needed someone else to be the strong one and let them take over before he broke. So he knew Kendall was not alright.
He'd seen Kendall look similar to this only once. And that was back in seventh grade when they were still in Minnesota, when Kendall's father left. The light in Kendall's eyes had gone out that day and he knew that Kendall wasn't telling the whole story on why his father left. But James hadn't pushed it and instead focused on make that light in his eyes return. After about a week some of it had and when it was six months had come it was almost completely back.
Almost.
James knew that a person didn't completely heal from something so traumatizing, but Kendall was smiling and happy again so James didn't complain.
Now seeing Kendall like that again seriously scared him. But he couldn't fix it until he either found out or Kendall told him. He just hoped that when he did find out it wasn't to late for him to fix it.
Finally, one day Kendall slipped. After a day of being yelled at by Gustavo and the comments from the website that day where particularly harsh, Kendall had rushed off to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door in his hast.
He grabbed his razor from under the sink were he stashed it, tour off his shirt and made one long slow cut across his stomach. He hissed in pain then sighed in relief as the pain eddied away. A small horrified gasped made him jump and whirl around to come face to face with the watery hazel eyes of James.
"James..."