Kyouraku jumped up from his sleep, Ukitake's reiatsu was way down. Worried, he flash-stepped to the 13th squad head quarters and opened Ukitake's door without knocking. He looked down at his friend who was shaking, sweating and grunting from the pain. Kyouraku calmed down when Ukitake opened his eyes and looked at him. Kyouraku headed towards the nearby kitchen and prepared the meds.
Then he sat down next to Ukitake, handed him a cup of tea and a pill and gently said:
"Here, take this "
Ukitake replied with difficulty:
"I …already took …my meds …tonight"
"I know, you never forget to take them"
Ukitake hesitated for a while and finally put the pill in his mouth and took a sip of his tea. The effect of the pill lasted only a moment, soon all the previous symptons came back. Kyouraku got worried and took his temperature, he did indeed have a fever. Shunsui headed back to the kitchen took a towel and dipped it in cold water, then he softly put it on Ukitake's forehead.
Later that night, Kyouraku woke up by the hard sound of Ukitake`s breathing ,then Ukitake woke up and started coughing blood. Kyouraku grabbed his shoulder, said: "I`ll be right back, wait" and disappeared.
When Kyouraku came back with Unohana-taichou , Ukitake was unconscious . Unohana sat down ,took his armand injected him with a weird greenish colored liquid.
"Wh – What`s that ?"
"Don`t worry, it`ll help"
"How do you know? I thought the only drug that worked was the one I already gave him!"
"This one doesn`t do anything about the illness itself …"
"It relieves the pain …"
The next morning, Ukitake was very much awake and Kyouraku stared at him in surprise of his energy and the effectiveness of the drug. Ukitake was smiling, laughing, so hyper andhappy it even looked like he was high.
Shunsui cheered up by seeing his friend so happy for the first time in months. Excited he went to the 4th squad head quarters and asked Unohana:
"Hey!That weird drug you gave him last night worked really well!Was exactly was that anyway?"
"Kyouraku Shunsui, you may not have noticed, but last night Ukitake-taichou was in much worse shape than you think. The drug I gave him should never be used more than once in a lifetime, it shouldn`t even be used at all."
"H-Huh … What!Then why did you give it to him?And what do you mean,why? I mean, is it dangerous?"
"Like I said, he was in much worse shape than you think"
"Yeah,so? It`s not like he was going to – "
Unohana opened her eyes which had been closed up until then. Shunsui understood:
"W-Was he …?"
"Most probably, yes …I`m sorry I didn`t tell you before …"
" …Are there possible side-effects?"
"Yes, some are possible …some are certain …"
"Damn" He ran away without saying a word. Arriving at the place where he had last seen his friend, he stood still. Slowly rotating his eyes from one side of the room to another. Some chairs, a table, a closet …but no white-haired pale man. Just when he was about to leave, Kiyone appeared before Kyouraku. He looked at her. She seemed worried, confused.
"What happened, Kiyone?"
Kiyone looked down. She slightly opened her mouth then shook her head and closed her mouth back shut.
"Please tell me."
" …he just … wasn't …acting like himself"
Kyouraku sighed:
"Yeah, that's what I thought"
Looking up brutally in astonishment she asked:
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"Unohana told me" he answered then flash-stepped to Ukitake's room. He opened the door, walked in quietly and shifted his eyes to the left. There he sat, straight up, staring at the wall with his hands holding each other firmly. He was embracing both his knees tight against his chest and was balancing back and forward on his bed. Kyouraku took a couple more steps achieving a better angle on his shivering friend. There were tears in his eyes and he had a heartbreaking look on his face.
Ukitake looked up to Kyouraku and told him in a trembling voice:
"I don't know what came over me …I …screamed at everyone …I don't know why …"
Kyouraku sat down next to his friend, smiled and began explaining:
"Calm down, Ukitake …" Ukitake's face cleared, and he looked up to Kyouraku with wonder.
"It's just the drug Unohana gave last night, don't worry about it ….heh, did you really think you were going crazy? You're too naïve …"
Ukitake chuckled, smiled, shut his eyes and slightly tilting his head asked:
"What drug?"
Realizing he had just started a conversation he did not want to have, Kyouraku's smile disappeared. As did Ukitake's.
" …what drug?" The 13th division captain whispered while staring at the floor in doubt.
"Kyouraku!" Ukitake arrived in exasperation at the side of his friend. He leaned against the wall and bent over regaining his breath. Kyouraku looked at him and felt a little guilty.
"Tell me what's going on!"Ukitake said in anger.
"What makes you think there's something going on?"Replied Kyouraku in denial.
"Don't lie to me!You've been acting strange, looking at me like I'm some sort of lost puppy and when I approach you talking to Unohana, you change the subject! I know there's something going on ,please tell me …"
Shunsui realized there was no longer something he could do to keep this information from his friend. He took a deep breath then exhaled slowly and not looking Ukitake in the eyes he said:
"Unohana claims your condition isn't gonna go away, ever"
Ukitake waited, expecting him to add something else:
" …Th-that's it? You shouldn't have been afraid to tell me that. I figured it out ages ago …" He chuckled
"R-Really?"Kyouraku faked a relieved gasp and a smile:
"That's good then! I thought it'd be harder to tell you…I'll go tell Unohana!"
Shunsui walked away in a hurry. He knew that after so long, Jushiro would have figured that out. But when he was about to tell him what he didn't know yet, no words came out of his mouth. And then the ill man started talking and blew the confidence to tell what he was ready to right away. And Kyouraku ended up pretending he had already finished.
"Wait, Kyouraku!" He turned around and Ukitake proceeded:
"I'm sorry …I'm really sorry I yelled. I didn't mean to."
Kyouraku sighed, gently smiled and said:
"You had the right to yell. I shouldn't hide things from you." He chuckled. "Things about you, to boot."
His own comment reminded him of what he was doing right then and there. He gathered all the strength and courage he could find inside him, closed his eyes and shouted:
"Ukitake!" About to enter his room, Jushiro turned around.
"I'm sorry, that wasn't everything we found out" Ukitake paid attention.
"It …euh, it …will probably …" Kyouraku started having trouble breathing, sweating and continue talking no matter how much he tried.
"You don't have to say it" Ukitake approached Kyouraku, put his hand on his shoulder, smiled and said:
"You don't have to finish that sentence, I know how it ends" He disappeared as fast as the wind with a high quality shunpo.
Kyouraku stared into space, no longer breathing, not blinking. Paralyzed. Astonished.
When Shunsui came back to his senses, he hurried to his pale friend's room:
"How did you know?"He asked timidly.
"I figured that out, as well."
"Then why're you depressed now? Nothing changed …"
Jushiro chuckled and smiled:
"Of course something's changed: now you know about it …"
Wanting him to explain himself, Kyouraku said to Ukitake:
"What does that matter?"
"I was hoping you didn't realize until it happened ."
"Heh …why would you?"
"I didn't want you to suffer …It's always easier to die than to see someone die and deal with the grief …"
Kyouraku stood amazed by the considerate comment of his best friend.
"You'll have a harder time than me." Ukitake added.
Speechless, Kyouraku stared at Ukitake, who was distracted gazing at his cup of tea.
"I-I-I better be going" Kyouraku finally stuttered and walked out of the room with accelerated outside, he leaned against the wall with one hand and put the other one over his mouth to help calm his heavy breathing. His watery eyes were now pointing to the ground and he could slowly see his tears splashing on the ground, one by one. He was interrupted. Ukitake stood by his side willing to apologize for making him cry, but Shunsui got ahead of him:
"Don't say sorry. You have nothing to say sorry for. You're going through a hard patch; it should be me comforting you."
"I'm not. I've already been through my hard patch. Now I wanna help you get through yours."Ukitake smiled. "Let me.".Silence. "I just have one question" Jushiro raised his arm and, without turning around, he pointed besides him with his thumb and asked with a gentle voice:
"Did someone put something in my tea?"
"Oh …Yeah I think so, she mentioned something about a drug. The only one that would do anything about your condition. "
****
"You said only one drug did something, then what drug did Unohana give me last night that would make me have mood swings?" asked Ukitake, starting to guess.
"What drug did Retsu give me last night, Kyouraku?" Kyouraku felt awkward and didn't know how to tell his very best friend since he was a teenager that he almost died a couple of hours ago. Ukitake still stared at him with puppy eyes. He could pretty much guess what had happened but he didn't want to assume until he heard the words. Kyouraku remembered all the other times his illness had reached a terribly bad point and how Ukitake was always strong, way stronger than him. So he didn't have as much trouble telling him the bad news, expecting him to react like he always did; calm, worried for others, comfortable, with a fake smile on his face trying to make Kyouraku feel as good as possible. Never thinking about himself.
"The drug Unohana-taicho gave you only relieved the pain, if she wouldn't have given it to you, you could have died. She told me that drug should never be used more than once in a lifetime and that it shouldn't even be used at all." Kyouraku answered sincerely. Kyouraku waited for Ukitake's reaction but got nothing. His expression was blank, neutral, impossible to read. He wasn't, smiling and trying to comfort Kyouraku, no. Nor did he just nod and step away, like he had done when the news was unexpected. Kyouraku got worried. Why wasn't Ukitake saying- doing, anything? As Kyouraku waited and waited, he got more worried.
All of a sudden, Ukitake's expression changed to something Kyouraku didn't think he had ever seen before; anger. And a single word came out of his mouth. A word full of anger, desperation, and sadness.
"Already?" Ukitake stood up from his bed, hands made fists. "Already!"He yelled to an open-mouthed, speechless Kyouraku. Kyouraku had never seen him like this before.
"Already! So damn fast? Is my stupid body really disintegrating already? Am I going to die already? It's not fair, it's not normal, it's…It's…I…I'm not ready!"
With each word he spoke, he got more desperate, angrier, and sadder. After all, Ukitake's pretending to be okay had worked. Even though everyone knew his expression of emotions was false, it hid his true feelings and how terrible they were. He still had an angry look on his face, but this time it came with lots of other emotions such as sadness, confusion and disappointment.
It made Kyouraku realize that he, who pretended to be perfectly fine, was actually suffering, bleeding into his heart. And the dam holding back a river of tears had finally broken, and he was crying, and he was screaming. Kyouraku felt like crying himself, leaving, sorrow in a corner of his room. But he couldn't, he shouldn't. For once, he had to be strong for Ukitake, and not the other way around.
Now Ukitake just stood. Crying. He knew…He knew this was going to happen and he could have sworn he was ready, he could have sworn he was going to be strong for others. But he couldn't, he couldn't hold it back any longer. He had been holding it in for over 1000 years. The last time he had cried was when he had figured out he was going to suffer- moreover, die, and thus leaving Kyouraku without a friend, leaving his siblings without a brother, leaving his subordinates without a teacher, leaving his teacher without what was like a son to him; and so on. He knew back then, his suffering would cause others to suffer as well. And back then, that was all he cared about.
But now, he cared for himself for the first time in his life, he was scared from death. And Kyouraku was glad. It was about time that happened. It was about time he started worrying about himself, stop thinking that much about other's well-being when it was him who needed help, who needed comforting.
Kyouraku stood up and walked towards Ukitake. Realizing this, the pale captain loosened his fists and calmed his crying. Once standing right in front of him, Kyouraku took hold of Ukitake's shoulders and gave him a hug. Ukitake's eyes widened and started to cry even harder, he hid his face in his friend's shoulder and let everything out. He hugged him back. He cried…and he cried…and finally they both fell asleep on the floor. Ukitake promised to himself he wouldn't cry again and he would go happily.