I laugh, I don't know why but It just feels right to giggle at this moment. I'm sitting on a rock watching the waves splash against the shoreline, spraying my bare feet with cool, salty water. Home. Watching the sun set over the horizon made me feel whole again. But reality would always overcome those moments. I grabbed the unfinished woven net laying across my legs and started for the victors' village. There was a dinner tonight; mags wanted Ron, muscida, finnick and I to come over for some crabmeat and shrimp. I haven't been that hungry since the games – resulting in an even smaller figure and un-healthy-looking bags under my eyes – so I'll probably just pick off finnicks plate.
After dropping off my net I crossed the small path and headed into mags' house. Ron smiled at me from another room and muscida gave me a huge hug almost knocking me over. I forgot, I haven't seen her since the night I got out of the arena. And even then I didn't talk to her. I just ran to finnick. I walk into the kitchen planning on sitting next to him at the table but mags intercepts my path. She simply put both hands on my cheek and smiled at me.
'the dinner was lovely mags, thankyou' I say.
'it's fine dear – see you two later.' Finnick walks me out the door, back to my bleak, empty home. We walk through the door. Its always so dark in here, even when its not night. Why am I here? How can I live like this? How could anybody live like this? The walls of this building just haunt me of the days in the arena. The arena. The hunger games. Killings. At this I back up, slamming into finnicks tensed torso.
'Whoa, whoa!'
I turn, still leaning against him, my hands tightened against my chest. I can't stay here. Not tonight. I look up at his face. 'Can I stay at yours tonight, please?' His pale blue eyes stare back at me in a way I have not yet recognised. It takes me a while before I realise how forward that question is. 'Oh. Sorry, it – it doesn't matter' I continue quickly.
'no, Annie, it's ok! It's that you just surprised me. C'mon – lets go.' He gives me a wide smile and I follow him out the door and into his. This house is different, the light of the moon is pooling in over the living room and little touches of district four has been added. And the smell. It smells like him. He's been here for longer, that's why it seems more homey. But still, he used to disappear for long periods of time, without explanation. I think mags would know why. I potter around looking at all the touches, an ornament of an anchor with a net draping over it is placed on the table below the tv-projective area. I finally end up back into the kitchen, watching him pour a glass of water. He looked troubled – he has all night – there's a crease in his forehead that has been permanently there the past hours. And he is clenching his jaw. Making his cheek bone pop and turning me to mush. He is beautiful. I smile cheekily. 'Annie?' he says waking me out of my reverie. I wonder how long been looking at him. 'you okay—'
'where do you go?' I cut him off.
'huh?' he raises an eyebrow and replaces a worried look with a grin.
'you go. Sometimes you leave without telling anyone. I used to notice it before I came here – to the village – since then it stopped a bit. But you still go. So where?' sometime throughout the sentence that worried look returns and he just stares at me. 'I only asked because if there's, like, a girl…' I say awkwardly, looking down at my feet dangling off the chair, not yet touching the floor. I don't want him to know that its been bugging me all month to ask. Because it has. Ever since I got settled in the village I've had time to be curious – had time to over think.
'ahh.. no. there's uhm.' He pauses to tip the remaining water in the sink. He tenses his arms as he leans on the bench lowering his head. 'i'll tell you soon, but not right now. Let's –' he stutters 'lets go to bed.' Oh yeah, I wonder where I'm going to sleep. I remember the night before I entered the arena, finnick slept in my bed because I asked him too. I needed not just comfort – I needed him. I'm sure he only did it because he felt sorry for me, or he didn't want to say no because he thought it would be rude. But instead of mentioning a spare room or anything, he replies 'sharing again, right?' I smile and follow him upstairs. We don't even try to sleep. We just talk softly to each other like we did on the train. Giggle softly. I cry softly. And he strokes my back softly. Eventually I turn my body to face his, longing to look at his eyes, lips, creases, dimples. Everything that makes him finnick.
'I used to go because Snow told me too.' He pauses looking at me, waiting for me to catch on. Oh – he's telling me. Ok. I nod. He continues. 'I was 14 when I won, so snow had to wait a few years, but when I finally reached 16 he sold me.' I give him a confused look. He pauses, tightening his face. 'He sells – sold my body. But when you asked if it was a girl and I said no I wasn't lying. They mean nothing to me. I had to do it though. They were threatening people I loved. I just didn't want to tell you before because it's embarrassing.' I'm already up, pacing around the room, closing my eyes, covering my ears, tears flooding out of my eyes. No. no! Finnick. Oh god. Oh god. I sink down into a ball, escaping this cruel world that I despise. I am only brought back when I feel his touch, his voice. 'it's ok, I'm ok, you're ok. Shh… shh…' I stare at him as he wipes my wet cheeks. He smiles at me at the real me. He smiles into my heart. And it's like he knows it because his expression is different again. And he leans in and kisses me softly. His soft lips only just touching mine. I don't care about those other girls – this kiss is real. He is real. He is beautiful. And he is mine. After he releases he presses his forehead to mine and closes his eyes. I smile up at him. Even though we're both crouching down he is still much taller than me. I softly stroke his hair and stand, bringing him to his feet. I stand on my toes and kiss him again, wrapping my hands around his neck. After a moment he wraps his strong arms around my waist and pulls me off my feet. And I can feel his muscles tightening and relaxing at the same time. Like he wants me closer but is in too much of a dream to pull tighter. Kiss after endless kiss we stay together. The distance between us shattered – and I know, in that moment I will never create space between our bodies again.