(A/N) Hello, this Anath Tsurugi reporting to you live from the other side of a fever of a hundred. So I suppose we can chalk how messed up this is to the fact that I was quite ill while writing it. For those of you who read 'A Night in His Arms', this is an expansion of that world. It's not a fully linked narrative, as it serves as both a prequel and a sequel, and while you don't need to have read the first story to understand this one, it will certainly enhance your enjoyment of it.
Warnings: This story will contain instances of sexual abuse against a child. If you've not the stomach for that, then I would advise you not tackle it. There will also be other instances of rape, torture, abuse, dealing with trauma, and the repression of memories. There is also, of course, the Durincest that is par for the course in my work. Hopefully, you are suitably warned should you choose to proceed.
Safe in His Arms
Part One
Slowly he bends Kili's legs up, exposing his entrance. Then he very gently, very slowly pushes a finger inside.
"Therin…Therin…please…please don't do this. I can't…I'm not…not ready. Please…please stop," he begs.
"Shh, shh, Kili…I know it hurts now, but it will get better. You'll feel good. I would never hurt you, Kili. I love you. I love you."
He continues to weep and beg as Therin stretches him, preparing him to take him in. Nothing sways him, though. Therin just continues to smile at him…adoring…loving…insane…and when he seems to think Kili sufficiently open, he bends over him and presses a kiss to his entrance.
"Soon. Soon we will be one, Kili," he whispers, kissing him several times.
"Stop…stop…please just stop. Please. No…no…"
Mahal…Mahal…Fili…please…anyone…save me!
But no matter how much he prays, no matter how much he screams or cries…it seems that no one is coming. No one will save him.
Kili awoke from the nightmare with a harrowing scream. Bolting upright in his bedroll, he began to tear at his skin, struggling to banish the feeling of Therin's fingers from his body.
Almost immediately, Fili was awake and at his side, hands on his shoulders.
"Kili! Kili, wake up!"
"NO!" he screamed in terror, trying to shove him away, not really seeing him. "Don't touch me! Please…please stop! Don't do this! NO!"
"Kili, it's me! It's Fili! It's your brother," he soothed, taking Kili's face in his hands and pressing their foreheads together. "He can't hurt you anymore, Kili. I'm here now. I'm here. I'll protect you," he said, breathing a sigh of relief as Kili's struggles finally began to subside and he collapsed into his brother's gentle embrace.
"Fili…" he whispered, his voice still harsh with fear as he clung to Fili.
"It was only a nightmare," Fili soothed, running gentle fingers through Kili's hair as he cradled him close. "He's gone now. Therin can't hurt you anymore. You're safe. You're safe, Kili."
"Fili…Fili, he…he touched me. He was going to…he wanted me to…oh, Mahal!" he sobbed brokenly, clinging to his lover all the tighter.
"It's all right. Everything's all right now. I'm here to protect you," he continued to soothe, gently easing them both back down onto their bedrolls. As Kili continued to tremble and weep quietly, Fili began to hum a lullaby for him, rocking him and humming for him until he at last began to calm. Fili could feel the eyes of the other members of the company on them, but he didn't care. All he cared about was getting his brother calm and resting peacefully once more.
When Kili finally dropped back to sleep, Fili pressed a tender kiss to his forehead before disentangling himself from his brother. No doubt Thorin would want a word. Moving quietly, he tucked Kili in beneath both his blanket and his own. Dropping one more kiss on his forehead, he quickly moved off into the darkness.
Sure enough, Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, and Gandalf were all waiting for him a few paces from the camp.
"Another fit?" Thorin asked him, his tone solemn. Fili nodded.
"Yes."
"They're getting worse," Balin noted.
"They are."
"Bofur and Bifur have gone to scout the perimeter. Fili…this cannot go on," Thorin said, resting a hand heavily on his nephew's shoulder.
"What would you have me do, Uncle?"
"If he cries out at night again, we may not be so lucky. Nothing's happened tonight, but if it keeps up, he may well bring an orc pack down on us the next time."
"What do you want of me? Would you have me take him back to Ered Luin? You cannot rob him of this chance, Thorin. Kili has felt weak in your eyes ever since it happened. He needs this. He needs to be able to prove himself to you. You cannot take it away from him."
"Fili…maybe you need to consider what's best for your brother. Who's he going to prove himself to if he's dead?" Thorin asked, taking Fili by both shoulders. Fili felt himself beginning to tremble, despair weighing heavily in his heart.
"I don't…know why this is happening now. It's never been this bad before."
It had been twelve years, almost to the day, since Kili's sixty-fifth birthday…since he had been kidnapped, drugged, and nearly raped by an insane old dwarf.
Most of the time, Kili seemed to be doing fine. He would talk to Fili or Oin whenever he felt overwhelmed by it. He hadn't been injured during the assault. The scars from the attack were invisible ones, and on occasion…once every few years or so, he would wake screaming from a night terror, as if the time had never passed and he was still sixty-five. Only now, in the past few months alone, there had been five separate incidents, including this most recent one. It was getting harder and harder to calm him when he woke in a fit.
"I know this isn't easy," Thorin said softly. ""It shattered something in all of us…what happened…but you either need to find a way to keep him calm, or the two of you need to return to Ered Luin before we make the Misty Mountains."
Fili looked hurt, but he finally nodded before heading back to his brother. He knew Thorin was right, after all.
"Can you really afford to be culling members from a company so small?" Gandalf asked the three dwarves as he puffed peaceably on his pipe. The three glanced between each other, none of them quite certain what to say.
"It's jus' no' fair…takin' this chance away from them," Dwalin muttered, not quite directing it at Thorin, but there was really no one else he could be speaking to.
"What happened wasn't fair," Thorin said, his gaze weighted down by grief and guilt. Balin eyed him for several moments before speaking.
"You've still not told the lads the truth, then?"
"How can I?" Thorin spat bitterly at the elder dwarf. "Telling them the truth won't make anything better. It will not change what happened."
"No, it won't…but it might help them heal…even if only a little."
Gandalf raised his eyebrows in interest, slipping into the conversation without really seeming to. "And just what is this truth that needs telling, my good fellows?"
"You know…what happened, of course," Thorin started hesitantly, his voice stiff with misery. "Kili was…defiled…on the night of his coming of age. He and Fili believe…the dwarf responsible was merely a no account vagrant…an exiled guard who'd somehow developed a sick obsession with Kili."
"It isn't true?" the old wizard prompted when Thorin failed to continue.
"No," Thorin answered, not looking at him. "The truth is…we know exactly why Therin became obsessed with Kili…and it was in our power to stop all of this before it began."
"So…who was this dwarf?"
"Therin was…beloved of my younger brother…who died at Azanulbizar."
"Frerin?"
"Yes. They grew up together…and their love was only just beginning to flower when Frerin was struck down. After losing him…Therin lost his mind. I didn't realize just how badly until we discovered what he was doing to Kili."
"Doing? You mean…what happened twelve years ago?" Gandalf pressed, finding his choice of words somewhat strange.
"No. It began when…when Kili was a child. Only he knows for certain how long it went on…and he has forced himself to forget most of it…but when he was still very young, we discovered him naked in Therin's bed…covered in…in his…"
"He'd raped him?" the wizard pressed, eyes dark with anger.
"Not…not in the eyes of the law. He was not…known; he came away from Therin's bed a virgin…but Therin freely confessed to…doing things to him…with him. Kili has always borne a rather…striking resemblance to his uncle and…Therin claimed that his beloved lived again…that Frerin had come back to him…come back from death. He said that Kili was his…and that when the time came, he would claim him."
"And so he did."
"Yes. I don't know how much of that Therin remembered…by the time he stole Kili away from us. The dwarf we found in their chamber that night had completely lost touch. His entire reality had become focused on Kili. Either way, what happened that night…that's my fault," Thorin said, face contorted with pain.
"Thorin," Balin tried to step in.
"It is. You know it is. When we found little Kili…like that…I should have killed Therin…but I spared his life…in memory of the dwarf my brother loved. I only banished him…under pain of death, should he ever return…a sentence that Fili unknowingly carried out. Kili suffers now…because of my weakness…and I cannot allow him to be led to his death because of it."
"And ye don't think it might help the boy to know this…to at least understand why?" Balin challenged.
Thorin sighed heavily, his eyes slightly red. "The truth is I'm a coward…and I can't bear to face them. I can't bear the thought of the hurt in their eyes…when they learn that I could have stopped it all from happening…years ago."
"Well, I'm forced to agree with you on that one, Thrain's son. Knowing the full truth of what happened to him would surely heal Kili most of all," Gandalf said, puffing out the last bit of weed in the pipe. "Unfortunately, it's not for me to instruct you on how to deal with your own family affairs. It may ease the fits, though…to be able to confront the reality of what he went through. Perhaps something still haunts him…something he cannot understand…because he doesn't know the truth. Your nephew has a right to heal, Thorin Oakenshield. Think on that," he said before heading off into the darkness to who knew where.
"So what are ye goin' to do?" Dwalin asked after a lengthy silence. "Ye know the old fox is right."
"Maybe…maybe so," Thorin said, gaze drifting off to where Fili lay with his brother, cradling his sleeping form in loving arms. Perhaps…if the fits continued to get worse and he was left with no other choice…perhaps then he would break his long silence.
XxX
Thorin and Frerin had been warned many times that the delegation from the Iron Hills would be arriving today. They had been warned to stay away from the throne room, but at ten and five, they were of course very curious, so they had snuck away from their caretaker in order to watch events unfold from one of the many alcoves that overlooked the throne room.
The leader of the delegation was a dwarf called Farin, striking and grand in fabrics of silver and blue, dark hair falling in many braids down his back and chest. He was to be the ambassador of Gror, lord of the Iron Hills, taking up a more permanent position in their grandfather's court, and he was accompanied by many other dwarves, all arrayed in their finest, but it was none of them the two young princes paid attention to. No. It was the small dwarfling at Farin's feet…his son, surely.
The boy couldn't have been any older than Frerin. He stood nervously at Farin's side, clearly struggling not to fidget or toy with the black hair that hung to his shoulders. When one of the dwarves took his hand to lead him from the throne room with the rest of the entourage, Thorin and Frerin also began to sneak away from their little hiding place, chattering excitedly on the way down.
"Somebody new to play with!" Frerin whispered in glee, struggling to contain himself as they hurried down from the upper level.
"I hope this one can take a hit better than you can," Thorin teased, giving his little brother an affectionate shove as they ran.
"Maybe you hit too hard, Nadad," Frerin ribbed, shoving him right back. The game of shoving continued all the way down the passage…until Thorin really did shove too hard and wound up sending Frerin's small body tumbling into the next passageway…right into their grandfather, father, and the delegation.
"Boys!" Thrain started in mild outrage. "What is the meaning of this?"
Thorin went white as a sheet, struggling for some sort of excuse, but everyone's attention was soon drawn by the two little boys on the floor.
Frerin's fall had been broken by the dwarfling and the two were currently struggling in a bit of a tangle.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Frerin apologized over and over again, nearly in tears. "I didn' mean to knock you down. Thorin pushed me," he accused, finally managing to disentangle himself from the other dwarfling.
"It's okay," the other insisted, face red with embarrassment. "I wasn'…wasn' lookin'."
Frerin's face also went a little red when he finally locked eyes with the other dwarfling. Neither even made a move to stand as they looked at each other.
"My…my name's Frerin," the young prince quickly introduced himself. The other dwarfling blushed a little harder, looking away from the young prince. He only stole a brief glance back when he muttered his name.
"I'm…Therin," he squeaked. Frerin smiled at him, awkwardness vanishing as quickly as a spring shower.
"Well…welcome to Erebor, Therin. Wanna be friends?"
Therin's eyes widened at this, apparently unused to such directness. Faintly, he nodded, but then, suddenly looking afraid, he glanced up at his father, as if to ask for permission. Farin smiled, though, seemingly pleased with the idea. Smile bursting into full bloom, Therin looked back to Frerin and nodded enthusiastically. Frerin then grabbed him by the hand, laughing as he dragged him away down the passage, leaving the others in the dust. Thorin was left to take the displeasure from their father, but for some reason, he didn't mind so much. He didn't quite understand why, but it made him happy…to see his baby brother so excited.
X
Thorin felt troubled as he walked away from the treasure chamber, shadows of things he couldn't quite name flitting about in the recesses of his mind. Thror was doing it again…taking time out of his day to just stare at the vast horde of gold and jewels. He could understand his grandfather's love of beauty. Yes, he could certainly understand that, but it was somehow different from any other dwarf he'd ever seen. Thror's love was grasping…pressing…desperate…needing. It seemed to Thorin…almost like a sickness.
His father always told him that he was too young…that he would understand when he was older…and at twenty-four, perhaps he was too young. Except…except that it seemed to him…that if Thror's behavior was somehow considered understandable…he wasn't sure he did wantto understand…ever.
Thorin's dark thoughts were soon driven away, though…driven far afield by the sounds of quiet laughter and joy. Curious, Thorin tracked the source of the noise, finding Frerin and Therin off in some out of the way store chamber. He was about to walk in and join in on whatever it was they were up to, maybe chase away more of the darkness still clinging to his thoughts…but then he realized exactly what it was he was overhearing. Before quickly ducking back out of the doorway, he caught a glimpse of Frerin pinning his friend to the wall, their fingers tangling in each other's loose hair as their lips pressed heatedly together.
"Frerin…Frerin, please," he heard Therin gasp quietly at the same time he heard a rather distinct sucking noise come from the small chamber. What was his brother doing? "Please don't…what if someone sees?"
"Then let them see. I don't care. I've waited too long for this," his brother hissed. This was followed by what sounded like more kissing. Therin's half-hearted protests soon devolved into quiet moaning.
"Oh…oh, Mahal…Frerin, you can't…your…your hand…don't…don't touch me there. Oh, Mahal," he whimpered, his tone suggesting that he very much did want Frerin to touch him there…and that was what made Thorin decide that he really didn't want to hear anymore of this. Feeling just a little bit strange over having caught his baby brother in such a position, he also couldn't help smiling as he walked away, happy for the two of them.
He had known that his brother had been mooning over the ambassador's son for quite some time now, and even though Dwalin kept insisting the boy was clearly 'achin' for a tussle between Frerin's sheets,' Thorin had never been quite as certain. He knew he should have said something…interrupted. Really, they were much too young to even be thinking about more than chaste kisses, but if they wanted to explore, why not let them? Dwalin had already visited quite a few beds himself. The only thing that even slightly bothered Thorin was that his brother might lose his virginity before he did. But what did that truly matter? In the eyes of the law, he was to be a virgin until his sixty-fifth birthday, and he hadn't yet met anyone worth breaking that rule for. Frerin and Therin, though…they had clicked from the moment they'd clapped eyes on each other. At first, they'd just been best friends, but that was now clearly heading toward something more.
"Well, Nadadith…I only hope you're sensible about it," he said quietly, deciding that he would have a chat with his brother later. For the moment, though, his time would probably be best spent checking up on Dis and making certain the ten-year-old wasn't terrorizing the kitchens.
X
The world was much changed the next time Thorin happened upon Frerin and Therin. They had all felt the rage of dragon fire and known the sting of hunger and humiliation. The house of Durin had set aside the trappings of royalty and taken up the gear of the wanderers.
Farin could have easily split off with the band making for the Iron Hills…returned to his home and had things easy again…but seeing how deeply his young son loved the youngest prince, he had elected to remain with Thror's band. Almost certainly once the pair had undergone their awakening ceremonies, there would be talk of a marriage. The talks may well even begin before that. It was rare, but had still been known to happen. As part of dowry negotiations, it was even possible that Farin would be granted Frerin's virginity and Thrain would lay claim to Therin's. Thorin had allowed himself to go on believing that his brother might still be a virgin, but he knew he never could after tonight.
The fighting with the orcs of the Misty Mountains had reached a very bad state. Thror's private war with Azog had only gotten worse in the ensuing years and it seemed that his kin were well and truly determined to drive the old darkness from the halls of their earliest father. With the fighting as bad as it was, he certainly couldn't blame the two young dwarves for wanting to find some comfort and release in each other's arms. That didn't mean, however, that he wanted to actually see it happening…and that was exactly what he got when he was looking for a place to relieve himself outside the war camp.
Frerin had his lover pinned against a tree. Both of them had shed their armor and weapons and Frerin had even stripped down to only his trousers. He was on his knees before Therin, and the other dwarf had his fingers buried in Frerin's hair as he groaned in pleasure. He couldn't quite see in the dim light, but Frerin's head seemed to be moving in a very distinct way. For several moments, Thorin was left dumbstruck, utterly shocked by the sight.
"Oh…Frerin…Frerin…I…I'm going to…oh…oh…Frerin!" he cried out, body jerking before slumping briefly against the tree. Frerin was on his feet almost immediately, laying kiss after kiss to his lips.
"Was it good?" Frerin asked as he held him, voice laced with excitement.
"Mm…good…so good. Frerin…Frerin, I love you."
"And I love you…my sweet azyungal," Frerin said before drawing him into a very deep kiss. When they took a moment to breathe, Thorin just barely heard him whisper, "Can I make love to you now?"
"As you will…my prince."
Finally managing to tear himself away, Thorin hurried back to the camp, completely forgetting what he'd gone out to do. It occurred to him he should have scolded them; it was dangerous out there, after all, but he really just didn't want to interrupt. If they wanted to get themselves killed for a quick lay, that was fine with him.
Sometimes he really wasn't sure why their fathers wouldn't just let them marry and be done with it.
X
Indeed, Therin and Frerin were never to be married. There would be no celebration, no exchanging of vows, no song for the two of them on their wedding day. But Thorin didn't know any of this in the moment of their victory…in that proud moment when the dwarves rallied to him and they drove the orcs back. He grieved for his grandfather's death, certainly, but he couldn't help thinking that maybe he might finally find some peace in death. It was the first moment he had truly felt like a ruler…like he really could be the king of Durin's folk…and in his moment of triumph, he had looked around, trying to find the face of his dear little brother in the crowd of cheering dwarves.
But there was nothing. Frerin was nowhere to be seen and where his joyful voice should have sounded with the rest of their kin, there was only silence…and in only a few shattering moments, he understood why. He would never hear his brother's voice again.
"THORIN!"
Therin's horrified voice sounded over all of the others, and immediately, the young prince began to run toward the sound. All other sounds faded away around him and his world narrowed to that one direction the distraught voice had sounded from. He knew he was running…the furious burn of his breath in his lungs told him so…but at the same time, he seemed to be moving so very slowly.
Frerin was lying on the ground, head cradled in Therin's lap as blood welled from a wound in his chest. His fingers were tangled weakly in his lover's hair and his breath shook with each unsteady repetition, but the look in his eyes was resolved.
"Help him. Thorin, help him. Do something!" Therin begged him as he crashed to his knees beside them…but there was nothing he could do. He tried. Mahal knows he tried. He held his hands over the gushing wound, but it was no use. He could do nothing to stem the flow of blood. He and Therin both tried, but it was useless. They were losing him. Frerin was dying in their arms.
"I'm…sorry," Frerin said, eyes briefly focusing on his brother, smiling, even as the blood welled up in his mouth. "Please…take care of him."
"Always," Thorin vowed, tears spilling down his face as he took Frerin's hand in his, holding it close to his chest. What little attention the younger prince had left to give was then focused on Therin.
"I…love you. I love you so…my Therin."
"Please…no," Therin pleaded with him. "Please don't die. Don't leave me here. I can't…without you…I am nothing. Frerin…my love…please!"
"I don't know where I'm going…but I'll wait for you…and the ancestors will sing at our wedding…when we're finally together again."
"Frerin…please…I love you," he cried.
"And I love you," he returned, tears pouring down his face as his grip slackened in Thorin's and his hand fell from Therin's face. "I love you. I love you. I love you," he repeated on a whisper, his breath breaking with each new word…until it did not resume. The gentle words of love fell silent and the light left Frerin's eyes, leaving them empty and gazing blankly at the desolate sky.
"No!" Therin cried out, great heaving sobs racking his body as he cradled his beloved in his arms, as if the strength of his embrace could bring him back. Thorin simply closed Frerin's eyes, clutching his lifeless hand near to his heart as he wept silently. He had lost his dear brother, it was true, and he would bear the scar of that grief much worse than any of his other losses…but Therin had lost the other half of his soul. Many dwarves were known not to even survive such an event. He could only pray that he would even be able to honor Frerin's final wish…and care for his shattered lover.
XxX
As always happened after one of Kili's fits, no one said anything about it the next morning, and Fili and Kili tended to pretend nothing had happened. They simply ate their meager breakfast, packed up their gear and continued on their way. Dwalin wasn't even sure Fili had told Kili about Thorin's mandate. Surely it would be easier to soothe the lad if he didn't realize he was being observed. Of course he would always stick up for the boys, given his place in their lives…but challenging Thorin's authority was a little trickier.
"It really is awful, isn't it…what happened to them," Ori's small voice suddenly broke in on his thoughts. Dwalin looked up to see the younger dwarf had ridden his pony up next to his.
"It is. It…destroyed somethin' in both of 'em," he said quietly, remembering that night…remembering how horrible it had been to see Kili's vibrant spirit broken. Briefly, though, the image shifted and he could see Ori in Kili's place. Even though the day was warm, he shivered slightly, shaking off the hideous image. He was glad little Ori had never undergone anything so horrific.
"Not that I envy them, mind…to have had nobles swarming around, bidding to be allowed to be the first to sleep with them…for their virginity to be a commodity so highly valued. I don't envy their position, but…I do wonder what it would be like…to have people want you so badly."
"Ah, come on now, lad. Surely there must've been others…before me," Dwalin suggested, even though he didn't much care for the idea. He and the youngest Ri brother were currently in the beginning stages of exploring a physical relationship, and he was already fiercely protective of the young dwarf.
"Oh, no. Not…not at all. You're the first dwarf I've ever…ever…" Ori couldn't quite bring himself to finish, he was blushing so badly. At first, his implication went right over Dwalin's head. Surely he couldn't mean he would be his first…as in…first ever. And yet…all they'd done so far was kissing…and a little touching.
"Ye mean you're…still unawakened?" Dwalin finally asked. Ori blushed even harder when their gazes locked.
"Don't…don't say it like that. I'm no noble's get. I don't have any right to an awakening ceremony."
"Maybe not by law…but ye do certainly have a right to a first time," he said, reaching a hand across the space between them and resting it on Ori's knee. It set a different kind of fire ablaze in his belly…the idea that he may well be Ori's first. He wasn't sure why. He had, after all, been granted the right to many a stripling's maidenhead. But somehow, he felt that with Ori, it would be different. It wasn't as though he was some sort of cavalier with a bedpost full of notches. He treated each of his partners with respect and dignity. He'd cared for each of them…but he had never felt quite as strongly for any of them as he did for Ori. If he reached out his hand to take the little dwarf with the quill and knitting needles, he felt almost certain his days of awakening young dwarves would be at an end. It wouldn't be just sex with him. It would be love…and for some reason, that both excited and terrified him…and it wasn't often he would admit to fear. Ori's shy smile seemed to make the uncertainty worth it, though. The warrior could feel it slowly melting away when Ori placed a hand on top of his. The rest of the world just slipped away as they smiled at each other.
The rest of the world, however, was not oblivious to them. Had they been paying attention, they certainly would have noticed the death glare they were receiving from Dori.
XxX
Like many before him, Dwalin was no virgin on the night of his coming of age. He was well versed in all the aspects of lovemaking. The only thing he imagined would be difficult about the Ceremony of Awakening was playing the part of the blushing virgin. The noble who had won him would be anticipating someone inexperienced, after all. He would confess himself more than a little surprised, though, when his best friend's father entered his room.
"H-Highness," he murmured, inclining his head as he sat up in bed. He had never really gotten used to calling Thrain that after Azanulbizar. It was a title that belonged to Thror. Thrain was just…Thorin's father…and he had seemed even less like a leader after the events of that last battle. The new king had disappeared briefly after his youngest son's death, and when he'd returned to them afterward, he hadn't seemed all there…and never had since. He was king in name, but more often than not, the task of actually leading seemed to fall to Thorin, even though he wasn't properly of age yet.
"Let's not be wasting time with formalities, lad," the king in exile said, smiling oddly as he came to sit beside him. "Thought I might make this a little less awkward for you, given I'm a bit more familiar with your history than some of the others who vied for you. Besides, you've certainly got quite the reputation among those willing to listen. I am most anxious to learn," he said, giving the young dwarf a knowing smile.
"Well…most of my skill lies in givin'…not receivin'…and I don't suppose the night's meant to go like that," he said, already feeling much more awkward than he'd expected to feel tonight.
"No…it isn't," Thrain said slowly, reaching forward and slipping the white tunic from his body. Then he pulled him into a very deep kiss.
Thrain was much gentler than he'd expected. He made no move, though, to give truth to the rumors the older dwarf had referred to. He gave himself completely to the king, suppressing his desire to not be passive. He allowed Thrain to have his way, and when they lay together afterward, he even allowed the king to hold him.
"You know…I think you'll do well, Fundin's son," Thrain said quietly, fingers toying with Dwalin's hair.
"What…what do ye mean?" he asked, looking up at the king.
"You have some strength in you, little one…and even though you'd prefer to use it, you know when to hold it back. I needed to know you would be willing to submit yourself."
"And…why would ye need to know that?" he pressed, still confused.
"It's not fair…the weight I've put on Thorin's shoulders. He's much too young for it…and I fear it's only going to get worse. I've no doubt you will defend my son's rule with your life…but I also needed to know that you had it in you to submit to him…that you wouldn't be just a loose catapult. Strength is important for a warrior, certainly, but even more important is good judgment…the ability to know when to use your strength…and when to hold it back. You are untried, Dwalin, but I believe you have that wisdom. I think I will feel much safer…leaving my son in your care."
Thrain vanished not long after that. There was no sign at all of what had happened to him, only whispers and rumors of sightings. Even after he was gone, though, Dwalin never forgot the words he'd spoken that night.
XxX
It was a relatively peaceful night, all things being even. They had survived encounters with trolls, wargs, and even orcs. Currently, they were surviving a stay with the elves of Rivendell, so yes, peaceful enough, all things considered. Kili was doing well, hadn't had a fit for several weeks, so Thorin's tension was easing slightly. However, for all the tension he wasn't displaying, another member of the company was displaying double the normal amount of tension, even for him.
It all came to a head one night when they were gathered around a makeshift fire they probably shouldn't have built in the quarters the elves had given them. Ori and Dwalin were sitting together, laughing with the others, making a general ruckus, occasionally trading kisses, with Dwalin once or twice slipping his hand between Ori's legs…when the great warrior suddenly felt something grab hold of his ear and begin to drag him away.
"Dori! What are you doing?!" he heard Ori protesting. When he looked back, he saw Nori move in to restrain him.
"I think it's time for a little talk," he heard his lover's oldest brother growling as he was pulled away from the company.
"What, exactly, do we need to be talkin' about?" the warrior asked when Dori finally released his ear. He didn't fear for his life, even though any sane dwarf certainly might have at the look of blazing anger in Dori's eyes.
"Just what do you think you're playing at?"
"You'll…have to explain a bit more'n that," Dwalin said, crossing his arms in front of his chest, staring the other dwarf down.
"Ori isn't one of your pretty court babes. He's not some noble's child whose virginity is up for sale. There's no stature to be earned here…so why are you sniffing about?" Dori needled.
"Sniffin'…just what are ye sayin' I am?" he asked, a current of anger beginning to boil beneath the surface.
"Come now, Master Dwalin. It's well known you've got the two princes under your belt and many more besides. Why do you need to have my baby brother, as well?"
"If that's what ye think of me, ye don't understand what it is I do. The Ceremony of Awakening is as old as the line of Durin itself. Fili and Kili are not just coins in my purse," he hissed.
"Ori isn't like all those others you've had, though. He won't be able to just walk away like all the others you've educated. It will be a mark against him…to have lain with someone of your standing and been abandoned. What will that say about him? He will be ruined. He will lose all chance at true happiness. Did you consider that, for even one moment, when you began to move in on him?"
"And did ye consider…that I might actually care for your brother? That I see more in him than just an easy lay?" Dwalin asked, his expression going even harsher.
Dori actually laughed at this. "You? A great and noble warrior like you? No. Such a thought had honestly never crossed my mind. What should someone of your class see in Ori?"
"Ye do him wrong, Dori…to think somebody couldn't love him as he is," Dwalin said softly, his expression softening for a moment.
"I don't…want you to hurt him," Dori said, his own guard lowering a moment, briefly stung by Dwalin's words. "Do you know…just how long he's mooned over you?"
"No," the warrior said, a spark of interest showing in his eyes.
"Nigh on ten years now. I always thought it harmless…a school boy's infatuation…to fall for the handsome warrior who was always on Nori's tail. But now, suddenly you see him…and suddenly you want him. What more is an older brother to think but that there is something to be suspicious of?"
Still feeling his anger simmering at Dori's accusation, Dwalin took a deep breath. This was not something he could fight Dori on. This was not a battle of strength or even of wills. It was a battle for the one thing he truly wanted…and it was not his strength that would win it for him. This, he knew, was the threshold where he would discover if he was worthy. His whole life, he had seen others find their One…the part of their soul that was missing…the love that conquered despair and darkness…Frerin and Therin, Fili and Kili, Dis and Threya, Balin and Miri. He had witnessed true love, and though he had seen love defeated by death and separation, it had never been anything but pure and faithful. Now, at last, when he had given up hope of ever finding the One the Maker had made him for…he thought he could see that love in Ori's eyes…in the way he blushed whenever he looked away from him…and in the way his breath caught just before they kissed. He loved Ori…and if he lost him now by being rash, he would never forgive himself. So, very slowly, he dropped to one knee before the eldest brother.
"Would it make ye feel better about all this…if I asked ye for his hand?"
For a moment, Dori looked utterly shocked, but the surprise was soon replaced by another round of suspicion.
"It might, but just saying that you'll marry him isn't quite going to cut it. You'll have to prove to me that you can take care of him…and that you make him happy. Only when I see the truth of this will I give you my blessing."
"Then I'll prove it to ye," Dwalin said, meeting his gaze firmly before rising to his feet.
"We will see," Dori said before hurrying back to the company. Dwalin started to follow, but was soon stopped by another voice.
"Now that was a sight to see," Thorin said as he appeared from the darkness. "I don't know that I've ever seen you get to your knees for anyone but me or my grandfather."
"Some things are…worth humblin' yourself for," he said quietly, meeting the gaze of his king and best friend with utter conviction.
"I don't need to ask if you're serious about Ori then. I won't insult you. Fili and Kili have been promised the first wedding in Yavanna's sanctuary when the mountain is ours again, but I can certainly promise you the next," he said with a small smile.
"That would be much appreciated, old friend."
"Do you want to give him an official ceremony?" Thorin asked him after eyeing him for several moments.
"How…how do ye mean?"
"I mean he's technically entitled to it. Their mother was a distant relation of Dain's. The branch was just in disgrace. I can't really remember the reason and I doubt anyone else does either. All I mean is that Ori is, in fact, entitled to a Ceremony of Awakening…if that's something you want for him."
"I'm almost surprised you're still for the tradition…given everything that's happened," Dwalin noted as they started to walk.
"Well, just because mine was awkward doesn't make it a completely useless tradition. As I understand it, your guidance was a blessing to Kili on the night of his Awakening."
"Sure enough," he said, remembering how grateful Kili had been for helping him and Fili get through that first time. "I do think he deserves it…I just don't want Dori gettin' the wrong idea."
"I suppose we'll just see how it plays out, then. Good night," he said before splitting off from Dwalin, leaving him to fend off a hysterical Ori, who'd been near convinced that Dori had killed him and hidden his body in the valley.
XxX
Thorin's Ceremony of Awakening occurred not long after his father's disappearance. The elders had been divided over whether or not to hold the ceremony on his sixty-fifth birthday, but Thorin had sided with the camp that insisted on just going through with it. He had no wish to appear weak before the circle of advisors and when the ceremony was at last complete, he would no longer carry the stigma of being a child to them. He would finally be able to take his rightful place as the ruler of Durin's Folk and there would be no more ridiculous talk of appointing him some sort of regent. He almost didn't care who they gave him to…almost. For indeed, this would be his first time.
It was well known among the younger generation that few who went to their Ceremony of Awakening were truly virgins. Many had experimented in some form or other before going to their awakening bed…be it full loss of virginity or a thing as simple as a hand job. Prince Thorin, though, was a rare exception. He was a true blushing virgin…though maybe without the blushing. He had simply…never found the time or the interest to explore his body or the body of another. His youth and innocence had been taken from him when the dragon descended and after that, he had been thrust into the role of an adult much too soon. There was no time to waste on pleasure…and so, when Thorin donned the white tunic and lay down in his bed on the night of his sixty-fifth birthday, that white tunic was more than just a symbol.
At first, the king-to-be had told himself that he was unconcerned with the proceedings. This was nothing. How big a deal could this really be? But as the minutes ticked down toward midnight, he found himself growing increasingly nervous. It took all of his will power not to rise from the bed and begin to pace. Just who were they sending into his room tonight? Who had won the right to be the first to bed the new king? What…what would it feel like? He'd had tales of it from Dwalin and Balin, but if his experience of battle was anything to go by, hearing tell and actually experiencing were two vastly different things. Was it going to hurt? Would his guide care if it hurt? He was fine with pain, really. It was something he understood. What he didn't like was the not knowing. By the time his door opened, he'd gotten himself so worked up, he sat bolt upright in bed, his eyes wild when they beheld his partner.
"F-Farin?" he whispered, already berating himself for the stutter.
"Yes," the elder ambassador said as he entered his room, setting aside his cloak and easily slipping out of his tunic, revealing his thickly muscled, heavily scarred torso. As Thorin continued to stare at him, he sat down beside him on the bed. "I don't imagine you were aware of it, but it was an agreement your father and I made several years ago….after Frerin's unfortunate death. Your brother was to have been mine at his coming of age…as Therin would have been Thrain's…but because we were robbed of their union, it was agreed that I was to have you instead. After all, with me as your closest advisor, I could quite easily foster a lasting relationship between yourself and the new lord of the Iron Hills."
Thorin wanted to scoff at this. Dain was hardly more than a child. He did still rule with a regent, and would until he was of age. What good was a relationship with the Iron Hills right now? However, the young prince had learned well to keep such thoughts to himself. Farin's influence could indeed prove useful in the future. He also didn't dwell over long on the thoughts of politics, for the older dwarf's words had brought to mind something that had been troubling him.
"How is Therin?" he asked as Farin reached a hand over to begin stroking his hair. He had made Therin a member of his personal guard with the intent to keep him close and away from danger, but he honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd heard the younger dwarf speak. Therin had faded into himself after Frerin's death and he and Dis had been trying to awaken him to the world, but nothing seemed to work. To watch Therin fade away to nothing was like losing Frerin all over again…because Thorin knew he was failing his brother…failing to keep his promise to take care of Therin.
"As well as can be expected…so not very well," Farin said, a troubled looked flickering in his eyes briefly as his hand dropped to Thorin's waist, slipping beneath the tunic and rubbing the skin beneath it. Thorin tried not to think about it. "He will not speak to me anymore. He won't speak with anyone. It's like he's not really there anymore…and I don't know what to do about it."
Thorin continued to try not thinking about it as Farin slipped the white tunic from his body…then began to undo his belt…slipping his heated hand inside. "Have you…thought any on…whose to be with him…when his time comes? As my father's gone, I mean," he asked, gasping rather loudly when Farin reached between his legs and squeezed.
"Oh, I've thought well on that, my prince. I've the perfect candidate in mind. Let us have no more words, though. Tonight is just for you…Thorin," he said gently, pushing him back onto the bed as he caressed his inner thighs.
Farin gave him pleasure that night, certainly…but what he mostly felt when it was all over was that he might be sick to his stomach. His skin felt clammy where the older dwarf had touched him and he could feel every drop of seed that leaked down his thighs when they lay together afterward. He wished Farin would leave, but he never did. He spent the whole night with his arms wrapped possessively around Thorin…and when he finally left in the morning, the young prince went straight to the bathing chambers, desperate to scrub until he felt clean again…which would not happen for many nights to come. All he could think was that he was glad Frerin had been spared Farin's touch. He could never put a name to what he'd experienced in Farin's arms…but there was a part of him that feared the old dwarf. And if he mentioned those whispers of dread to Balin and Dwalin and the old Iron Hills ambassador ended up passing quietly in his sleep many years later, what of it?
XxX
Somehow Thorin had known that Kili's respite from his nightmares would not last…and when he woke them all from their restless sleep in Beorn's hall with his screaming, the king in exile knew that he couldn't hide anymore. He would have to face his nephews with the truth…or none of them would ever know peace.
Fili was struggling to calm Kili when Thorin approached them, and the older dwarf felt sorrow and shame in his gut when Fili looked up at him with fear in his eyes.
"Uncle, please…I beg you…I'll get him to calm down. I will! Just don't…don't…please…"
"No," Thorin said quietly, laying a hand on Fili's shoulder. "Quiet him. The three of us will have words tonight."
Fili's eyes immediately began to burn with tears, but he nodded, going right back to rocking his screaming, struggling brother…and when the two of them joined their uncle in another room some time later, they both looked utterly miserable.
"Are…are you going to send us away, Thorin?" Kili asked.
"No…we are much too far from Ered Luin for that to do any good now…but there is something I must share with the two of you tonight…before anything else happens. I want you…to know the truth."
"What…what do you mean?" Fili asked, arms immediately moving to wrap around Kili's still trembling shoulders.
"It wasn't just chance…that Therin became fixated on you twelve years ago," he said to Kili.
"Uncle…?" Kili mumbled, dark eyes wide with fear.
"You want to know why it happened to you? It happened…for no other reason than that you have the misfortune to look near identical to my brother."
"What?" Kili whispered in shock.
"You…you mean Frerin?" Fili clarified.
"Yes. Frerin and Therin grew up together…and they became lovers in their time. Had Frerin lived, the two of them would have been married," Thorin explained, barely managing to meet the boys' eyes.
"So…he…Therin…saw Frerin born again…in Kili," Fili said slowly.
"Just so. I don't believe he remembered that, though…by the time you'd come of age," he said to Kili. "He'd gone completely mad by then. And you told us…you remembered him molesting you as a child."
"Yes," Kili whispered, clinging a little tighter to Fili as silent tears spilled down his face.
"The assault you described…it didn't happen just the once."
"What…what are you talking about?"
"If…as you say…it began when you were five…then he could have been abusing you for near on to four years."
"Four…four years?" Kili repeated, voice strangled with shock.
"Yes. We don't know…how many times he might have abused you…as you seem to have repressed most of it…but when you were nine years old, we discovered him in bed with you."
"Oh…oh, Mahal," Kili whispered, horrified.
"You…you knew?" Fili hissed, holding Kili tighter, both in comfort and in anger. "You knew what he was doing to Kili…and you let him live?"
"You have every right to hate me…both of you. When I saw what he was doing to you…I should have killed him…but I only banished him…because Frerin once loved him…because I made him a promise as he lay dying…that I would take care of Therin…and I failed. I've failed all of you…as your kin and your king," Thorin said, his voice heavy with shame, sorrow, and regret.
"So…essentially…none of this had to happen? You could have stopped it from happening…a long time ago?" Fili clarified, his voice stilted with anger.
"Yes," Thorin said. His voice was near to breaking now.
The air between the king and his heir would have been charged with bitter, aching silence…were it not for the fact that Kili was sobbing brokenly. He had turned completely away from Thorin and had his head buried in Fili's chest, arms wrapped around him like a vise. Fili's arms were gentle around his fragile form and he was whispering soothingly to him, but his eyes were fixed on Thorin, glaring fire and venom at him as he cradled his brother close.
"Get out!" Fili spat after a time. "You obviously have no care for us, so leave us be!"
Under normal circumstances, Thorin would have been outraged at the disrespect, but in this, he knew it was not at all unwarranted, so leave he did, shoulders hunched with despair and eyes burning with the suppressed desire to weep right along with Kili.
"I am sorry," he said quietly over his shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything. If there was one thing in my life I could do over, I'd-"
"Leave!" Fili hissed, not even looking at him. "We don't want to hear anymore."
Once Thorin had finally gone, the two brothers curled up together in a corner, Fili holding Kili as he wept, purging himself of yet another hideous revelation about himself and his body…and through it all, Fili let fall silent tears of his own. Yet one more thing he'd failed to protect his beloved from…one more nightmare to haunt Kili's already tenuous sleep. What could he do? What could they do?
After a time, when Kili had emptied himself of tears and the two of them were lying somewhat peacefully together in their little corner, Kili reached up to tangle his fingers in his brother's golden hair.
"You know…I think…I think it's what I've been dreaming about…the nightmares…all those things he did to me. I…I never realized…"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Fili asked when Kili failed to fill the silence he'd left hanging. Slowly, Kili shook his head.
"No, not…not yet…but I will…in time. Now I…I can't help but wonder…what I would do…if I lost you."
"Me?" Fili asked. "Why would you lose me?"
"I'm not saying I will. I just…look what it drove him to…to lose the one he loved. I think I would almost…rather die…if I lost you," he said, clutching the hair between his fingers a little tighter as he kissed his brother's cheek.
"I know…I understand. I feel the same way…so you and I will just have to promise not to go off and die on the other," he soothed, laying a kiss of his own to the top of Kili's head. The younger dwarf managed a small laugh at this, even though he knew Fili was quite serious.
"Then I promise…not to die…unless it be by your side…in the same breath as you."
"From your lips to Mahal's ears," Fili prayed, kissing first his lips, then each ear. "May my vow be the same. I will never leave your side…not even in death."
"Never apart," Kili said quietly, snuggling a little closer. "Fili?"
"Yes?"
"I…I know we said…we could never forgive what was done…but I don't think that's true anymore. I think…I think I could forgive him."
"Forgive…?" Fili repeated, not fully comprehending.
"The dwarf that…took me…that night…he was dead. He was dead a long time before he ever laid eyes on me. He was already dead…his body just hadn't realized it yet."
"And you want to…forgive him?" Fili asked.
"I think so. I'm not…ready yet…but I want to. Fate was cruel enough to rob him of his One…to force him to go on breathing after that moment. The least I can do…is forgive his memory."
"And…Thorin?" Fili asked, still feeling anger burning in his heart. "Could you forgive him?"
"Yes…in time," Kili answered after another long silence. "He might have…done better to lock Therin up…than to banish him…but I cannot blame him…for trying to keep a promise to his brother. He…he did his best. It…it's no one's fault," he said, both sorrow and tenderness in his eyes as he looked up at his brother. "I want you to promise me you'll remember that."
As he looked into Kili's hopeful eyes, Fili felt sorrow overtake the anger in his chest. Slowly, he shook his head. "I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can forgive. I can never unsee…what I saw that night. I can never forget you…on my bed…lying there as if dead. How do I forgive the one…who put such pain in your eyes? I don't know how, Kili," he whispered desperately, trying to make him understand…but Kili did not seem saddened or disturbed by his inability to let go of his anger. Rather he smiled tenderly at him, leaning up to kiss him.
"It won't be easy. I'm not ready either…but it will happen in time. I think I'll have to…remember a lot more…before I'm ready to forgive Therin…but I think I can…someday…once I understand it all."
"I honestly don't know if I can," Fili repeated, holding him a little tighter. "But I'll try. I will try…for you…Kili."
"That's all I want," Kili said, smiling as he rested his head back against Fili's chest. "We cannot let it poison us any longer, my love."
"Then…I'll do my best," Fili said, kissing the top of his brother's head as the two of them finally began to drift back to sleep.
For you.
XxX
Technically, Thorin wasn't old enough to be involved in the discussion of who was to have the right to his little sister's virginity, but he was also king, so the situation was slightly different.
He sat and listened to the arguments, back and forth, not truly concerned with any of it until Farin suddenly spoke up.
"I should say I have the strongest claim of any of you. We must see to the princess' comfort…and I am, after all, already so close to the family," he said, a knowing gaze drifting in Thorin's direction. When their eyes met, Thorin could feel the old nausea and fear churning in his stomach. It took all of his will not to scream. He would not have this dwarf touch his baby sister.
"No," he insisted in a loud, barely contained voice. "That…that wouldn't really be fair. You have had the king, Farin. What more could you possibly need? There are others my sister would prefer, if it's her comfort you're aiming for. At this juncture, I declare Valin's suit to be the most valid. He will be with my sister on the night of her coming of age."
There was some grumbling among the elders, but no one truly contested his choice. How could they, after all? Thorin was still left feeling uncomfortable, though, because the smile had not left Farin's face. It was as if he knew something Thorin didn't…and that made him worry for his sister all the more.
That was the night he spoke to his two closest friends about the secret fear he'd harbored ever since Farin had lain with him. He had had no one else since then and he wasn't sure if he ever would. He did not want the same fate for Dis.
X
Farin was found dead in his bed soon after Dis' Ceremony of Awakening. Thorin was quick to declare it a natural death, even though there may or may not have been signs of poisoning. After all, many dwarves had found their life spans shortened after the wandering life the dragon's diaspora had forced on them.
The funeral was well attended, of course, with the grieving son as the centerpiece…and after the rites had been performed and the stone coffin sealed, Thorin approached Therin alone.
"I am sorry for your loss," he said to him, and he more than half expected him not to reply, which was why he was almost shocked to receive the embittered, "I'm not."
Thorin could come up with nothing to say to that, so was almost grateful when Therin kept on, even though the words were harsh and venomous.
"I hated him…and he hated me. That old snake punished me every minute for the last twenty-five years…for my failing to wed into the line of Durin."
"You…he…what?" Thorin murmured in shock. "Why…why did you never say?"
"Because I deserved it!" Therin hissed as he turned away from him. "I've deserved every punishment I've borne…for failing to keep him safe."
"Frerin," Thorin said softly.
"I miss him, Thorin," he cried, finally breaking down in tears. "Sometimes I miss him so badly I can't breathe…but still I don't die. I go on living…without him. Every time Farin laid a hand to me…I prayed he would kill me."
"Laid…hand…"
Therin laughed bitterly at his incomprehension. "Who do you think was with me when I came of age?"
Oh, Mahal.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Thorin asked again, gripping his shoulders and forcing him to look at him.
"Because I wanted to die! I've been wishing I was dead ever since the light left his eyes…but I swore to him…I swore not to take my own life…and I can never break a promise to him."
"You have forced me to break mine, Therin. I promised him I would take care of you. And now this…"
Therin shook his head. "This wasn't your doing. Thorin…Brother…if you have any care for me at all…there is one thing you can do for me."
"What?"
"Kill me," he begged. "Kill me before I become just as bad as he was. I can't live like this."
"Therin…"
"Kill me. Kill me! Please! My king…I beg you!" he continued to plead, falling to his knees before Thorin, hands scrabbling at his tunic. "Give me peace, my brother. Send me to be with Frerin. Let us be together at last."
"You know I can't do that. I made him a promise, too. To take your life…it will be like losing him all over again."
"I lose him every day…every day I wake alone, and I forget a little more of what his voice sounded like…what his touch felt like. Mahal, I'm losing him, Thorin! And every little piece I lose…another part of my soul dies. There will be nothing left by the time my body dies. Why am I still alive?!" he sobbed.
"Oh, Therin," Thorin whispered as he slowly moved to his knees with the younger dwarf, pulling him into his arms. Therin was just as much his brother as Frerin had been…and to see just how badly he had failed in his promise…it tore at something in him, and it was more for his own shame and cowardice that he could not bring himself to grant Therin his one wish. "I cannot. Don't you understand that I cannot? You may as well ask me to kill Dis…or Dwalin…or Balin. Do not ask this of me…until you understand what it is that you ask. Until that day…live…and if you still want to die…I'll kill you myself."
Therin faded away again after that day. His voice disappeared and his gaze faded to glass. He was the most dour and feared of Thorin's guards and he never had to speak even one word. His voice didn't return to him until the night of Kili's birth.
Dis was resting in her bed after a long and difficult labor. Kili would certainly be her last child, as Oin had told her her body couldn't handle another pregnancy and the little one's father had died before he'd even been able to see his second son. Not for the last time, Dis wished that Vili could be here…that he could have seen Kili. But her sorrow and her pain were worth it all…to see her baby son nursing at her breast…and to see her firstborn bouncing up and down beside the bed, his golden features lit with a smile. Fili had loved his baby brother even before he'd been born and Dis knew that she needed no vow from the boy. He would protect his brother with his life.
"He's pretty," Fili insisted as he climbed up on the bed with her, reaching out a hand to stroke the dark peach fuzz on his brother's head.
"Don't rock the bed too much," Thorin chastised him lightly. "Your Mother's very tired."
Fili looked sheepish as he glanced up at her. "Sorry," he mumbled, though the reprimand did little to dampen his joy.
"Another prince for the line of Durin!" Dwalin said heartily as he Balin and several others close to the family were allowed in to see the new princeling.
"Keep quiet, all of ye," Oin ordered, somehow both perturbed and pleased, and in the sudden quiet that stemmed from the order, one voice rose above the others.
"He really is beautiful."
A shocked silence fell over the group as they all looked back at the last dwarf to enter the chamber.
Therin.
"Thank you," Dis said softly, at first feeling only joy that her friend had spoken after so many years.
It seemed so innocent at the time…the compliment of a friend…but as the months passed, the young mother grew more and more uncomfortable with the way Therin watched her son. It was less of chaste affection…and more of heat…of longing…and on the day when Therin vanished into the forest with her child and neither he nor Kili would answer her calls, she knew fear the like of which she had not known since she had seen dragon fire in the sky.
X
"Kili, darling, where were you?" she demanded as she pulled her child into her arms. "Why didn't you answer my calls?"
Kili blushed as he looked away from her, scraping the toe of his boot lightly against the ground. "Therin and I were just playin'."
"But why didn't you answer?" she pressed, searching for signs of harm or some sort of…misconduct…but there was nothing. "I was worried sick about you."
"It was hide and seek," Kili said, looking affronted. "I couldn't let him find me."
"Well, just…just be more careful next time," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. Nothing seemed to have happened…and of course she couldn't explain her fears to her son. "Your brother already hurt himself today. I don't want to have to worry about both of you."
For a moment, Kili looked like he wanted to say something…but then seemed to think better of it and skipped over to where one of the women was helping Fili walk…and it was that last look that caused the seed of horror to sprout in Dis' gut. Something had happened…something Kili wouldn't tell her. Well, now she finally had a name for her concern; she would take her worries to Thorin. Therin wouldn't be spending any more time with her son if she could help it.
X
"I don't…think we should be here," Fili said, sounding nervous as he resisted the pull of his baby brother's eager hand. "Mama said we aren't supposed to-"
"It's all right," Kili insisted, tugging a little more insistently. "Therin's my friend. Nothing bad will happen."
"Kili's right, you know," the guardsman said as he appeared at the entrance to his quarters, admitting the two dwarflings into his home. "I would never harm either of you. Kili is my very special friend."
"Mama says we shouldn't talk to you," Fili accused, though he didn't fight his brother's pull. "She says you're…not right."
"And did she say why?" he pressed, gesturing the two boys to sit on a couch that was settled near to a fireplace.
"Well…no…but-"
"You always do what Mama says?" Kili challenged, sticking his tongue out at his brother as he rolled around on the large, soft cushions.
"No!" Fili bit back, flushing in embarrassment.
"Good, cuz that's no fun."
"Would you boys like some warm milk?" Therin asked them. Kili nodded eagerly and Fili slowly followed suit. It would be rude to refuse, after all. Before too long, the guardsman returned to the couch with two warm mugs. Kili drank his down quickly, but Fili took it at a slower pace. There was something…different…about the taste of this milk. It was a little bit sweeter than he was used to. Before too long, he began to feel himself growing sleepy.
"Kili…I'm tired. I think we should…go back home," he said, struggling against the weight of his eyelids. How had he gotten so sleepy?
"You can rest here if you're tired. I don't think you'll make it home at this rate," Therin said with a smile, going to fetch a blanket from a basket in the corner. Fili felt a spike of panic flutter in his stomach when the older dwarf tucked the blanket around him, smoothing his hair back from his face. He couldn't even make his body move, he was so tired.
"No…I don't…don't want to…Kili…Kili…" he called out softly, barely managing to slip his hand from under the blanket and take his little brother's hand. "Kili…please…go home," he begged. He knew something wasn't right, but he couldn't fight it. He gripped Kili's hand a little tighter before sleep finally claimed him.
"I'm sorry," Kili called over his shoulder, still holding Fili's hand. "He doesn' usually fall asleep that fast."
"It's all right. We'll let your brother rest. Now you and I can talk," Therin said, sitting down beside him on the couch and taking his other hand in his.
"Therin…why doesn' Mama want me to see you anymore?"
"I'm not sure, dear heart."
"Is it…is it because of the game we played?"
"How can it be? You enjoyed it, didn't you? Didn't I make you feel good?" Therin pressed, gripping his hand a little tighter.
"Well…yes," Kili said, blushing as he looked down at his lap. He could feel his body growing hot and prickly all over at the memory of the way Therin had touched him.
"And you didn't tell her about our special game…did you?"
"No."
"Then that can't be the reason," he soothed, beginning to massage the little hand he held.
"I guess not," he said, starting to squirm uncomfortably. It wasn't just memory now. He really was getting hot. "Therin, I…it's really hot in here. I'm too hot," he complained, still not letting go of his brother's hand.
"Perhaps you ought to take your shirt off?" Therin suggested mildly.
For a moment, Kili felt nervous. Something felt wrong about this…but he ultimately managed to quash the voices in his head. Therin was his friend, after all. So, reluctantly letting go of Fili's hand, he slipped his tunic over his head.
"Come here, little one," Therin called gently, holding out a hand to him. "I want you to sit on my lap. I've missed you so."
Kili was reluctant, but he did go to Therin after several tense moments, sitting down on his lap, facing him.
"Kili…do you think we could play our special game again?" Therin asked, looking hopeful.
"I…I dunno," Kili said, glancing nervously at his passed out sibling. "Fili's here."
"He won't wake," Therin said firmly. "He's very tired. Besides…I can see how much you want me to touch you."
"You…you can?" Kili asked nervously. Maybe that was the strange prickling, burning feeling in his body? Did that mean…that he wanted for Therin to touch him again?
"Oh, yes. Do you feel this?" he asked, slipping a hand between Kili's legs and rubbing at his privates through his trousers. Kili let out a tiny cry at the contact. He hadn't noticed it before, but he'd gone completely stiff in his smallclothes.
"What…what is that?" he whimpered. He hadn't noticed it the last time Therin had put his hand between his legs.
"You're hard, Kili. It means you like me. You like me touching you. You want me to make you feel good," he whispered in his ear, drawing his small body closer. Again, Kili whimpered.
"I…I do?"
"Yes. Can I touch you, pretty Kili? You said I could."
"Y-yes…I guess," Kili said, slowly climbing to his knees, opening himself a little more to Therin's probing hands. He whimpered as Therin undid his belt…reached his hands inside…and touched as he pleased…and all the while, Kili felt him growing hard beneath him…could see him rising up through the layers of his clothing. "Do…do you like me?" he asked, smiling weakly up at Therin.
"Yes, Kili. I like you very much. I love you…my dear one."
"Do you…want me to touch it?"
"I'd like that very much, little one."
When Therin had bared himself and was thrusting merrily between Kili's legs…the dwarfling couldn't help but glance at his brother from time to time. It felt good…just like the first time…just like Therin promised…but it also felt strange. To do this with Therin…when Mama had told him not to see him…it felt wrong, and hardly for the last time, Kili wondered if he was doing something bad. When they were finally finished, though, and Therin was kissing him tenderly, he did feel a little better. He felt…loved.
When Fili awoke several hours later, Kili was sitting beside him, smiling.
"Morning, sleepy head. Have a good nap?"
"Kili…are…are you all right?" he asked him, reaching for his hand, vaguely recalling the panic from earlier.
"I'm fine. Therin and I had fun while you were sleeping. You…you're not gonna tell Mama…are you?" he asked, lower lip trembling slightly.
"No," he said, pulling his baby brother into a hug. "Only…maybe we shouldn't do this anymore."
"O…okay."
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