Dear Auntie Roger,
My chihuahua "Fabio" has a "DISEASE!" (AIDS?) What should I do? I took it to the vet, and vet was all like, "asdfghjkl;sdf" and I was like, "question mark?"
-- Jasper Whitlock-Hale
Dear Jasper,
Aren't you a veggie-vamp? Meaning why do you have a Chihuahua? Anywho… I doubt your Chihuahua has AIDS, Jasper! I don't think anyone's discovered CAIDS yet. Eh, maybe "Fabio" can be the first case. Just make sure he doesn't pull an April and commit suicide. Oh… April…
BACK AT THE …
"Once upon a time, there was a young, beautiful girl," Mark began.
"Do I need to hear
this story for your next movie?" I asked, already annoyed. It was a
few months after April… yeah… Anways, I wasn't in the mood.
Understandable, right?
No. Of course not. Stupid Mark.
"Yes. Now let me continue," Mark answered. "This girl's name was Bella. Now, Bella, you see, was a whore. A really really big whore. She had a boy—"
"You know, for being a filmmaker, you'd think he could tell better stories," Collins murmured. I almost laughed. Almost.
"I heard that, and shut up," Mark said before he kept going. "Well, Bella had a boyfriend, Jacob, he was the singer in a band. Jacob was very in love with Bella, and didn't really care that she cheated on him with Tyler, Eric, Mike, and (mostly) Edward. Okay, I lied, he did care, but only about Edward. Back to Bella… She was a whore. Really big one. Jake loved her. A lot. She did drugs? Did I say that? No? She did. A lot.
"One day, she went
to the doctor 'cause she thought she was preggers. That does happen
when ya sleep around like she does. And, Jake, loving guy he was,
went with her. He wanted to be a dad, really badly. Besides, maybe
Bella would actually stay with him! So, yeah, they were at the
doctor's office, and..." Mark looked around. "Hold on guys, I
gotta pee."
Collins looked at me as Mark went to the loo. "I
think I know how this is gonna end…"
"Question mark?" I asked.
"Never mind."
Mark
then came out of the bathroom. "'Kay, guys, where we left off,
Bella the whore & Jake the nice guy were at the doc's. They
were just chilling in the waiting room, Bella trying to rape Jake as
usual. The doc comes out, holding the test results, and calls them
into his office
"'Bella, I'm sorry to inform you… You aren't pregnant. You have AIDS.'"
When I heard this, I realized what was happening. Mark was making a movie of my life. Bella was about to go suicidal on Jake. Her parents (Charlie & Renee, I later learned) blamed him for not saving her. Stupid Bella. She had to go sleep with Eddie, the druggie. Stupid whore.
Anyways, I got up and hit Mark. I ended winning our little fight. Mark got a blackeye before Collins broke it up. Mark the Mama's Boy told his mother. I had another mother mad at me. Cool.
BACK TO THE LETTER
Anywho, Jasper, don't let Fabio commit suicide. Fabdog's 'rents will be mad at you, your significant other will be mad at you, hell, all your friends & family will be mad at you. It's not fun. I should know.
--Auntie Roger