Author's Note: I saw a picture of Emo!Spock and this story accumulated in my head. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Paramount, certainly not me.
This wasn't logical. Hell, Spock knew that. Though, at this moment, did he care? No. Absolutely not. All he cared about was fucking James T. Kirk and thats all he had ever cared about.
The captain had expressed his feelings to Spock over one of their many grand games of chess. Jim expressed them and practically wept when Spock had walked out of his corders, dazed and confused(in his own Vulcan way, of course).
Jim had mistaken Spock's confusion for rejection and hadn't talked to Spock in days. Yea, maybe the occasional one word about the ship, but that was about it. It slowly started to break Spock's Vulcan heart.
So, Spock had started to turn to the most illogical action he could think of. Cutting. Or, that is what he thought the human's called it. It had started out as only tiny cuts on his palms, but he found those healed to quickly for his liking. So he had gotten bolder and started to slash on his arms.
If someone would have asked him why, he would simply reply that it made him feel alive. During his shifts on the bridge, he would rub the rough fabric of the black under armor over the deep cuts and relish the beloved feeling he'd get.
Spock had gone out of his way to make people notice. Sometimes the simple act of reaching across the mess hall table made his sleeve bunch up, the cuts were then noticeable, but nobody seemed to take notice.
So, here he was, laying in his bathtub, an old Vulcan knife in his hand, and his mind on James Kirk. If no one was going to pay attention to his silent cries, he was going to make them take notice in the most illogical, irrational, irreversible way he could.
Spock hissed as the blade bit into his marble white flesh and slowly ate it's way down to his wrist. He then repeated this action to the apposing arm, not giving him self time to breath after his first cut, he didn't need time, never did. The only thing he had ever needed was passed that mechanic wall in a room 35 degrees cooler then his own.
Spock rested his head against the side of the tub, closing his eyes, he drifted off. The thought that he may never wake up again comforted the stoic Vulcan. Making sleep come to him a lot easier then usual.
Spock's sleep was shallow enough that he heard the swoosh of the bathroom door and the cries of his young Captain.
"Spock?! Spock, can you hear me?! Oh God, Spock, wake up, for fuck's sake-!" Spock heard the strained and frighted voice and smiled in spite of himself. He cracked his eyes open.
"Yes, I can hear you." He whispered to his Captain. Though, before Spock got another frantic reply, he blacked out cold.
_________
Spock awoke in sickbay. The first thing his eyes landed on was the worried face of Dr. McCoy. Spock frowned inwardly, McCoy wasn't exactly who he was hoping to see.
Then he noticed the biobed he was laying on had shifted in weight slightly. Spock looked over and found his Captain sitting at the edge of the bed and kneading his leg.
"Captain, it seems I have lost feeling in my extremities." Spock whispered. Kirk frowned and grabbed Spock's hand.
"Yea-" Kirk's voice was strained with tears "- Bones had to tranquilize you, so when you woke up you wouldn't try to run off and do something stupid again." Kirk leaned over a bit so he could pet Spock's hair with the hand he had previously been kneading with.
McCoy cleared his throat.
"Mister Spock, can you please try and explain yourself to Captain Kirk and I?"
Kirk shot a look at McCoy-
"For Christ's sakes Bones! He just woke up, give him a few minutes to recover!"
McCoy frowned-
"Jim, I think Mister Spock is damn more then capable of answering a few qu-"
"Do I have to make that a goddamned order, Docter!?" Kirk practically screamed at his best friend. McCoy huffed and stalked out of sickbay, muttering that he'd give them a few minutes alone.
"Captain, your words towards Dr. McCoy, though much appreciated, are wasted. I am quite capable of answering his questions, given my illogical behavior, it is only fair I offer an explanation-"
Kirk cut Spock's rant off with an abrupt kiss, grabbing the back of the Vulcan's head and lifting it up so he could attain better access to his First Officer's sweet mouth.
Spock pulled back and looked at his Captain.
"Sir, I must confess the reason for my illogical actions-"
Kirk cut Spock off again with another kiss, this time pushing his tongue passed the Vulcan's hot lips and into the wet cavity.
"Explain later, tongue now." Kirk whispered against Spock's lips.
Spock planted a chaste kiss on his superior's lips, and, in the act of losing all sense of dignity, said-
"Need you to fuck me, wanna' feel you inside me."
Kirk gasped at Spock's wanton request and bit the Vulcan's pointed ear.
"Bones said the tranquilizers wear off in about one hour... That was one hour ago, how do ya' feel?" Kirk whispered. Spock concentrated and found that he could move his toes and fingers a tiny bit. He frowned-
"I can only move my fingers and toes Captain, the rest of my body seems to still be unable to function."
Kirk smiled and moved his hand down to grab the hot bulge in between Spock's uniform clad inner thighs. Spock quirked an eyebrow at his captain's devious smile.
"Captain, because I am temporarily out of commission, I am unable to feel what part of me you are touching. Please humor me in explaining where your hand is-"
"My hand? Which hand, Mister Spock?" Kirk grinned deviously. Spock gasped as the feeling in his lower half started to trickle back, but he played on anyway.
"The... left one...Sir." Spock's voice strained as Kirk squeezed his cock momentarily, then palmed it hastily like the two dollar whore Spock had always assumed Kirk was.
"My left hand, Mr. Spock, is palming that gorgeous Vulcan cock of yours. All hard and wet for me, just me right?" Kirk's less-then-classy words caused Spock to gasp and bite his lip.
"Yes, Sir, just for you, always."
Kirk smiled and started to undo his First Officer's uniform pants, kissing Spock's exposed belly. Kirk had read up on Vulcan anatomy and knew exactly where Spock's heart should be located in the abdomen, he quickly found the spot and started suckling at the skin hastily. Though there was an above 70 percent chance Spock couldn't feel it, Kirk didn't care.
"Captain- Jim, it appears my feeling has starting to come back, if you would kindly hurry the fuck up and suck my god damned cock already-!"
Kirk let out a bark of laughter at Spock's human-esque words and slid the Vulcan's uniform pants and boxers off his porcelain legs.
Spock's cock sprang free and Kirk's mouth nearly watered at the sight of his Vulcan, all exposed and hard for him. Kirk took the head of Spock's pulsing erection into his mouth and sucked so hard Spock saw stars.
Kirk slowly inched his way down Spock's cock until he felt the soft black hairs brush his hollowed out cheeks. Spock lifted his head so he could drink in the sight of his Captain suckling down his enormous cock.
"Excuse me!" Both of the man's vision shot over to the door of McCoy's sickbay unit to see the Doctor himself, staring wide eyed and mouth gaped at the two young men.
"Hey Bones, care to join us?" Kirk asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestivly. McCoy gasped and clutched his chest.
"Not while I live and breath! Now, you get out of here! I need to ask Spock some questions." McCoy's voice had slipped into a heavy Georgian drawl, he then shooed Jim out of sickbay and sat down next to the panting Vulcan. Spock shot a look at McCoy.
"Doctor, you are lucky I'm not experiencing Pon Farr, or you'd probably be dead for pulling a move such as your latest."
McCoy raised an eyebrow but shrugged Spock's comment off. He grabbed a scanner from the side table and hovered it over Spock's body. Moving it up and down the warmer-then-normal Vulcan until the scanner blinked a green light.
"Now, Mr. Spock, it seems that the human fifty precent of you has formed a chemical imbalance, us people, like to call 'depression'. May I ask how long the cutting has been going on?"
The Vulcan sighed-
"About three weeks Doctor."
The Doctor looked at Spock with pity in his eyes.
"Spock... Why didn't you come to someone with the emotions you were harboring? I know you may not understand or know how to handle them, but cutting isn't the answer, suicide certainly isn't either."
"Frankly, Sir, I made it obvious to everyone that I had resorted to the illogical act of cutting. I made it a point to even wear a short sleeved shirt on break a few days ago. Though no one took notice the way I had hoped." The corners of Spock's mouth twitched down for a second, then formed a rigid line again.
McCoy took Spock's hand and rubbed it slowly, as if it were a frightened child's.
"Do you understand how much you hurt Jim, Spock? You damn near tore his heart out and stomped it into the ground. That man loves you more then you'll ever understand, I don't know why, but he does. So, if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I'll be forced to, not only take extensive measures, but also kick your goddamn ass all the way to China, do you understand what I'm saying?"
Spock looked at the Doctor for a moment, then raised an eyebrow-
"Sir, it is not favorable that you would be able to kick me to the far away planet of Earth, not to mentio-"
"God dammit Spock! It's an expression, okay!? Jesus Christ." McCoy let Spock's hand fall and grumbled.
"Dr. McCoy?" Spock murmured.
"Yea?"
"I understand."
_________
Spock rang in at Kirk's door and waited for the Captain to answer. As the door swished open, Kirk leapt out of the room and tackled Spock in a shower of kisses and grinds.
Spock came up for air and pushed Kirk back into the room.
"Sir, I am unable to copulate at this time due to a sleeping pill Dr. McCoy assigned to me, so I would ask that you please refrain from such... Animalistic behavior."
Kirk stepped back and frowned, grumbling something about that god damned McCoy.
"Spock?" Kirk's voice was serious as he turned to his Vulcan.
"Yes Captain?"
"Do you realize we- I almost lost you today?" Kirk's eyes may have been watering, but Spock didn't take notice.
"Yes, Captain I am aware of this." Spock was as stoic as ever, all his logic having been restored to him.
"Than don't you ever, ever, think about trying something as stupid as what you tried today. If you had died, I... I don't know what I would have done, probably would have offed myself too, woulda' come chasin' after your stupid Vulcan ass..."
Kirk moved towards Spock slowly, grabbing his hand and pulled the Vulcan over to his bed. Kirk laid down and motioned for Spock to follow suit, the stoic man obliged.
Kirk then wrapped his arms around Spock and snuggled his head into the crook of the Vulcan's neck.
"Spock... What was the reason for your... attempt?" Kirk's voice was barely a whisper. Spock tightened his hold on the Captain, suddenly never wanting to let him go.
"Sir, when I walked out of your cabin a few weeks ago, you had simply mistaken my actions of confusion as rejection. When I tried to explain this to you, you wouldn't listen, so I started cutting to make you notice me again. When you still didn't take any notice, or at least I believe you didn't, I came up with the irrational conclusion that I should 'off myself', as you put it. It was actually quite simple."
Kirk looked up at Spock, tears streaming down the human's face, he twisted the Vulcan's shirt into his fist and put his forehead on Spock's chest.
"I-I didn't know, I had just assumed-"
"I am aware human's assume the worst 75.8 percent of the time, Captain, I don't hold any of this against you. I shall harbor the blame for my actions, for they are purely mine and no one else's." Spock went quiet and ran his finger's through Kirk's hair.
"Don't cry... T'hy'la." Spock's voice did not seem to belong to him. He had almost growled the last word in Kirk's ear. The Captain looked up-
"W-what was that, Spock?" Kirk sniffled.
"T'hy'la... It is Vulcan for friend, brother, or lover. A title for someone who stands beside you through any circumstances-" Spock paused and cupped Kirk's face "-Jim, will you be my T'hy'la?"
Kirk's face broke into a wobbling smile as he covered one of Spock's large hand's with his own.
"Of course, Spock, I would be honored to be your... T'hy'la." Kirk tried out the word and liked the way it felt on his tongue.
"Excellent... It appears my illogical behavior has resulted in something very logical." Spock said, silently smiling in spite of himself.
"Yea-" Kirk put his head back on the Vulcan's scorching chest "-what's that?"
"Us." Spock's voice was gravely as he closed his eyes and tightly grasped the only thing he ever had cared about.
His friend, his lover, his T'hy'la- James T. Kirk.
fin