UNCLEAN SPIRIT

The birth of Elliot Davies had been a straight forward happening. Sister Elizabeth had gone into labour at 3am on the Tuesday morning and at 7:30 later that morning Elliot had arrived into the world with a loud set of lungs. Ianto had held Elizabeth's hand throughout the smooth, pain free delivery really not wanting to be there and once said baby was wrapped in his mother's arms Ianto had bolted from the autopsy bay to go and vomit in the toilets in the locker room. Whilst his head was bowed down the bog Owen pronounced the child to be fully human and very definitely the 'Tea Boy's Sprog'. Ianto had returned to the medical bay sometime later unwilling to look at the child or hold him or otherwise acknowledge his presence in the room. He profusely apologised to Elizabeth for putting her through everything she had suffered and fled the Hub. Gwen and Tosh was gaping at his back as he left and a moment later Jack was following him.

Predictably Ianto was leaning on the railings and looking out over the bay when Jack caught up with him. Early morning people were going to work, the tide was going out and the sun was doing it's level best to shine through the dark grey clouds above them. Life was moving on as normal, a baby being born, Ianto's baby; one he could not stand to accept because that would mean accepting what he had done to conceive it. Jack wasn't remotely surprised to find the young man wiping at the water on his cheeks and then picking at his already chewed fingernails.

Jack rested his hand against the small of Ianto's back. "Hey."

"Hey." Ianto barely got it out.

"You ok?"

Ianto shook his head. "Need a minute, sorry Jack. I just can't do this."

"It's ok. Elizabeth and the baby are fine."

"I don't want to know about the baby Jack. So long as Elizabeth is alright."

Jack absently rubbed circles with one hand and grasped Ianto's cold hands in the other. "He's your son Ianto. You can't ignore that."

Ianto turned his head and narrowed his gaze at Jack. "He needs to be loved Jack. I can't do that; I can't stand to look at him. All I feel is shame and self loathing. As soon as they are well enough Elizabeth is going back to the convent and the child is going to a foster family. It's been arranged; don't try to talk me out of it."

Jack sighed. "It's not his fault; it's not your fault. Just don't do something you will regret. I've said I'd be there to help you...."

"Don't Jack! He's going to a good family, as far as he will ever know. I cannot raise him with that reminder staring me in the face every day. I need closure on this. This way he gets to have a normal life, no demons, no Torchwood and none of my resentment; it's for the best, for him and for me." Ianto's gaze remained steadfast and Jack found himself eventually having to look away.

"I understand. I don't agree, but I understand. I'm just sorry that you can't get past this enough to love your son. I know how much love you are capable of Ianto."

Ianto went back to looking at the boats on the water and chewed at his lower lip. "Not anymore Jack, I'm not certain I could love anything these days."

Jack felt his gut tighten. "I know that's not true." It was as much to reassure himself as anything. He moved his arm to pull Ianto against him and was relieved to get no resistance to the gesture. "Don't be so hard on yourself Yan. All of what happened was beyond your control."

"Then why do I still feel so guilty?"

"Because you are a good man, decent and honest and those things that happened went against your very nature. I know you would not have chosen to commit those acts, you just have to believe that of yourself, because if you don't you will break. I do not want to lose you again. I need you to trust that I am telling you the truth." Jack kissed his temple, resting his head against Ianto's trying to comfort them both. "Come back to the Hub, please."

Finally Ianto nodded, really not wanting to do as Jack asked, but if nothing else; he wouldn't be a coward.

Jack stood in his office, baby Elliot in his arms. Large blue pools watching him as he sucked furiously on the bottle in Jack's hand. Elizabeth was pleased to give him up for a few minutes, she had tried to get Ianto to hold the child, but he had politely refused and gone to make coffee instead. She watched from the window of Jack's office as Ianto worked.

"I haven't been able to convince him to take his son." She said sadly.

"Me either. He told me that he'd organised a family for Elliot to go to."

Elizabeth turned away and faced Jack. "Yes, I met with them last month. They seemed to be good people, Welsh Catholics with one adopted daughter already, through Torchwood apparently."

"Yeah, Ianto has contacts. It's not the first time we have had to organise care for a child. Ianto would've chosen well I can assure you of that." Jack was still watching the baby with Ianto's brilliant eyes and pink cheeks. "I guess it just would've been nice, to have made....." He trailed off; it was dangerous to start thinking like that.

"You thought a child would help a secure a future for you and Ianto?"

Damn she's perceptive. Jack nodded. "Yeah, I did hope for a while, stupid fantasy really. He's right; Torchwood is no way to bring up a family. It's just been a very long time since I was part of one."

Elizabeth sat down. "You are good with him; he never feeds well with me. I sorry that Ianto cannot find forgiveness. I thought he was starting to heal there, for a while."

Baby finally had enough milk and spat out the teat, Jack placed the almost empty bottle on his desk and cuddled the child against his shoulder, rubbing his back.

"Maybe once all this is done, he'll be able to. I hope so for his sake as well as mine....How selfish is that?" The baby belched as he spoke.

"It's not selfish Jack. You clearly love him and the events that took place have put a strain on both of you. Your responsibilities to the world aside, it has been a lot to take on and for you to forgive as well. I know you want what is best for Ianto, be patient with him. He loves you, what happened made him feel that you would see him with less love and respect. He is afraid that he has been diminished in your eyes, you are the most important thing in the world to him and he feels he has a lot to make up for. I think Ianto may spend the rest of his life feeling that, this is not the first time that trust between you has been betrayed, is it?"

Jack carefully stepped forward and passed the now sleeping baby back to his mother.

"No it isn't. We've both done.... questionable things." He wanted to change the subject. "So when does Elliot get rehomed?"

"On Friday. Owen and Gwen are going to take me back to the convent in the morning and once Elliot has been settled I am going to Ireland. I will be leaving Ianto with my contact details and he has promised to update me on Elliot's progress."

"He will be well looked after." Jack promised her.

"I know."

AN: Updates will be sporadic, because of Uni, exams etc coming up!!!! But Fallen Angel is not over yet.......damn bunnies got out before I could catch them and when that happens you have to run with it!

Thanks for all the 'Spooks' reviews.....didn't expect quite such reaction to that! Deeta.