Hey, yes, I am still alive. Wasn't going to write anymore, deleted all the fics like maany months ago, but then this happened this morning, in one sitting, didn't even know what it will be until I was done typing. But if there is one thing i know about writing it is that you take every opportunity for it that presents itself - even if it's literally being dead inside about two tv characters... "" Enjoy "" reading ?
It's not a fluff piece, so if you want to nope out or yell at me after. I'm here for you and I 100% get it. lol.
"Things between us are..." "back to normal?"
It is already dark out, on a Saturday, when she walks pass his office, on her way home – late and the promise of »I will be back by 9 and we can do something tonight« resting heavily on her mind, encompassing her with guilt. She'd promised the new man in her life something for the first time, albeit insignificant, and she is already breaking her word, the clock just having reached eleven. She spots him sitting on the couch, papers scattered everywhere, and the look on his face telling her his thoughts might just be equally as messy. Before she has a chance to think it through and get herself back home as fast as she can, her feet are carrying her towards him, opting out of knocking – he seems so deep in thought he probably wouldn't hear her anyways.
»You know, to have a life, you have to actually leave the office once in a while« she smirks, watching his expression change and become aware of his own surroundings again. His face lights up upon seeing her, and she hates that. »Says you, leaving at 11 on a Saturday.« he retorts back, dropping the file in his hand on the table, the gesture so telling of the full attention he wants to give her and whatever she has to say. »Emphasis on 'leaving'«, she retorts, shifting on her spot. »Anyways, just wanted to say good night, and I will see you on Monday… bright and early.«
He grins, »I didn't come back here bright and early when I was managing partner and you shouldn't expect me to be on time now«. His words are more of a truth than a joke, but his tone still makes her burst out laughing. »Right, well then… I will see you Monday, late in the morning when everyone else has already started their work week because they are responsible adults.«. He shakes his head, »Did you come in here just to mock my work ethics or was there something else?«
She is just about to reply when her phone rings, bringing her back down to reality. She takes it out of her pocket, throwing him an apologetic look, before picking up without thinking. »Oh hi…« she smile with guilt, even though she knows the person on the other side of the line can't see her, or figure that out from her tone of voice – it hasn't been long enough. »Yes, I am sorry, I got held up at work, I wanted to message you but I lost track of time. I'll see you down in a minute.«
Harvey observes, his mind connecting the dots, even more so when he sees her react to something the caller says – he can't figure out exactly what – and then put the phone back in her pocket. Suddenly the atmosphere in the office changes, the rhythm of banter lost on them, as she looks at him apologetically and moves her head to the hallway. He gets the message. »Have a good night, I'll see you Monday.« he replies on auto pilot, the grin on his face lost on him, the almost robotic way in which he has gotten used to saying these exact words to her over the years leaving a bitter taste on his tongue.
She still smiles back at him nonetheless, »You too.« before she leaves. He watches her walk just for a few seconds before the corner of his office doesn't allow his eyes to follow her frame anymore. She is his world and he isn't worthy. He repeats that in his head, a few times, the truth making it somewhat easier – in the most tragic way – to let her go. For a brief second he wonders who she is dating now, and if she is happy, if this is going anywhere, if he is losing her now for good and if, maybe just if, he spoke his truth things would be different. But it doesn't matter because she didn't feel anything and he isn't worthy anyways. He breaks down for the first time in his office. It wasn't the loss of his mother's painting, or Jessica, or Mike, or his managing partner title that gets him undone. It's the loss of silent hope that maybe one day he'd have her. His tears stain his cheeks and he feels completely pathetic, like all he has ever done meant nothing… meant nothing… the words, he cries a bit more.
Upon taking one step out of the firm, she spots his car. It's a big number, the most eye catching thing on the otherwise busy street, despite the late hour. He is leaning against it, and she waves with her hand, walking towards him. »I didn't know you were picking me up« she says, as she stops. »I wasn't either but then I figured I could wait around for you to come back or just come here and give you a ride.«
He is tall and he has dark hair, he is handsome and about her age. He has a degree in law, and even though he isn't a practicing attorney, she is proud of herself for that. She'd said once, as if it was a good thing, that her boyfriend had nothing to do with this profession. Because she was too caught up distancing herself from anything that could remind her of him. But now it doesn't matter to her, it doesn't matter that he sometimes reminds her of him or that his work definitely does, or that he drives these cars and that he wears the kind of suits he does. None of that matters and that's what matters most now. She is dating a Harvey and proving herself the exact opposite. She looks up and smiles, leans in, she doesn't kiss him back but rather whispers a »Later« against him. He takes it as a tease, she uses it as a way out – still too close to this place she calls work to let go just enough to show this side of her.
…Except when it's late enough and Louis has said too much and Harvey walks into her office and her whole being comes alive and there is no »later«. There is just now and that moment she found the strength to share with him.
He was a mess and she told herself she didn't feel anything, so now she is going to step into this man's car and have a good night. No over thinking, just fun. He opens the doors for her, another way in which he reminds her of Harvey but doesn't make her think about him. She smiles, with pride. She is delusional, her brain tells her next. She blocks that away too.
»So, where to – your place or mine?« he asks, turning the engine back on. In that moment she sees Harvey come out of the revolving doors. It serves her like a metaphor, her own world revolving around him and them and all the places he had tainted with his presence. »My place« she replies. She recently re-decorated, throwing away the things that could stop her from giving this answer. »Okay, as you wish. Hey, is that the Harvey guy you told me about?« he points his finger to his disappearing form, sliding back into his Lexus, Ray turning on the car right away.
»Yes« she says, and that's all she gives him. He nods, and they drive. The car goes into the opposite direction from Harvey's and she thinks that's fitting as well.
Who knows where this relationship will go.
Who knows if she will still feel it tomorrow.
But she's feeling it tonight and that's all she needs.
When she comes back to work on Monday, he is waiting for her by the new sign on the wall, two coffees in his hands. She has two in hers too. They both grin widely, the synchrony warming their hearts all at once. »I guess we will need those anyways« he smiles, leaning his head to follow him. She notices his eyes look tired and his voice gives away that he hasn't slept much. »Rough night?« she asks, a hint of something…whatever, in her voice. »Yes«, he answers, that's all he gives her now.
It reminds her much of herself. They walk more, he makes a joke. It genuinely cracks her up, despite the early hour. »Hey, I thought you said you aren't coming in early? « She teases, her shoulder bumping against his. He sighs, and rolls his eyes. What he wants to say is: I can't sleep because all I can think and hear and see around me is you not there. Instead he says nothing and they fall back into comfortable silence.
She loves being around him, so much. But it means nothing. »Well, this is me« she says soon after, throwing a wink his way as they exchange the one cup coffee each that was meant for the other. She is about to ask something when he confirms her thoughts by reciting her whole coffee order, proudly. »You are an idiot«, she smiles. I am, he thinks.
Harvey winks, walking away. He loves her, so much. That means nothing either though.
That night she is late again for her date. She had drinks with Harvey. The man asks her what came up and she lies. But she doesn't feel guilty for that. She said it was nothing, and that's technically the truth. Harvey thinks back on the way their hands brushed when they both reached for her favorite scotch at the same time. He saw her palm shiver. He told himself it meant nothing too.
In sync.
She breaks up with the guy a few weeks later, she isn't particular sad though. She has drinks with Harvey later that night. They laugh for hours. She goes home filling full and makes plans for the weekend to go out with Katrina. Maybe she will find someone else and maybe one day it will mean something.
Harvey sleeps even less when he connects the dots and realizes she is single again. Somehow that hurts even more. But he repeats the three magic words: I love her. No wait, it's: it meant nothing. She is single but that means nothing, really. He isn't worthy.
He fall asleep at 4 and wakes up at 6 am to have time for her coffee order before work. She greets him with a cup as well, whining about how she had to wake up just as early to get it.
And this time it's him that finds this as the perfect metaphor: they live on caffeine they don't drink.
Soon she dates again for just a short while. He doesn't sleep for weeks. It's slowly ruining him and he thinks that this could be the push they need. She is pushing away, but somehow, he is being pushed deeper in.