AN: I wrote this last night and first posted it to AO3. It is one of several YukiSayo ideas I have swimming in my head. While this is a YukiSayo fic, there will be some one-sided LisaYuki as well (sorry, Lisa-nee). Please be aware that Sayo's thoughts contain some internalized homophobia and misogyny, atop of her usual extreme self-esteem issues. This fic will contain three chapters written in third-person limited narration, with each chapter's viewpoint focused on a different character (Sayo, Yukina, and Lisa). The three chapters are presented in largely chronological order. For example, with the exception of occasional flashbacks, events that take place in chapter two will follow after those of chapter one. More notes on this particular chapter is presented at the bottom of the page to avoid spoilers.
Together As We Grow
Chapter 1: Finding Myself In You
Hikawa Sayo wasn't a fan of popular media, but it wasn't as though she lived on a deserted island. She had heard and seen enough TV soaps to understand that when people were romantically attracted to each other, they might experience a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and display a full-blown blush. It sounded to her like the symptoms of a heat injury.
It wasn't that she completely rejected the notion of romantic love; her parents were a happy couple, so this did convince Sayo that a married life might be a wonderful thing if done right. She was just skeptical that it would ever happen to her, at least not in the way portrayed in dramas and literature. She didn't know many members of the opposite sex, seeing as she had attended unisex schooling all her life, but of those she knew, like the brothers of classmates or staff at CiRCLE, none had ever made her heart pound. Well…even she knew the heart-pounding thing was probably an exaggeration, but she honestly felt indifferent towards them. Sure, some were conventionally attractive, tall and strong with well-defined features, but her judgement was simply objective. It never affected how she felt around them. And don't get her started on those girls who daydreamed getting married to an actor. The ridiculousness of the whole idea aside, Sayo found that nine times out of ten, the actresses who played as the actors' love interests were far more pleasing to the eyes.
Perhaps it was because she was a girl. They often said that girls didn't have as much of that…drive…when it came to these things. Her nosy relatives had nothing but praise for her focus on academics and extracurriculars instead of dating. They assured that once she was older and ready to start a family, the right man would come along. The looks were not important. So long as he was hardworking and responsible, he would make a good father.
But did a good father make a good husband? Would any man who was hardworking and responsible make a good husband? Sayo remained skeptical, but she didn't think too hard about it. She was still young. If she really wanted to think ahead a little, she'd rather get started on her plans for post-secondary education.
Her musings on romance were tossed to the back of her mind. It was merely a topic of gossip amongst the other students at school. She didn't care to join her classmates anyway, so surely, this concept would not pertain to her…
The day this theory shattered was the day she broke from her former band.
Sayo had started learning the guitar because it was something Hina hadn't dabbled in. She practised and practised with hopes of mastering the instrument so that one day she could show to her family, and the entire world, that there was something she could do better than Hina, something that belonged to her and Hina couldn't steal. But the best guitarists didn't play alone. No matter how great the sound of a solo guitar was, it could not beat the sound of a guitar in a well-balanced band. That was the only reason Sayo decided to join a band too. But one after another, she joined and quitted. This most recent one might have been her fifth or sixth – she hadn't really kept track. They were all the same to her – children playing with instruments as though they were toys, never finding the dedication or ambition to advance their skills. She couldn't even get herself to call today's performance "music". It was a train-wreck. The drums weren't keeping tempo, the bass missed almost an entire line, the keyboardist tripped on her own fingers more times than she could count, and the vocalist's high notes sounded like scratching on a blackboard. And this wasn't even the first time it happened. They sounded like that in their last live, three weeks ago. Three weeks and no improvement whatsoever. There was absolutely no excuse for that kind of behaviour. They simply weren't practising, and when Sayo confronted them about this, they deflected the blame to schoolwork and the like. It was pathetic. But Sayo wasn't exactly angry at them, though one of them did seem quite angry at her in return. Sayo never had high hopes for them anyway. She just felt annoyed now that she had to go looking for another band again.
It was then that she was approached by a girl about her own age. Minato Yukina, she introduced. She had quite the striking looks, what with the silken silver hair and bright golden eyes. But Sayo couldn't really get herself to appreciate those looks at the moment, nor could she even concentrate on what Minato-san was saying. She had wasted enough time with her old band that she honestly didn't have any more to spend on another pointless conversation. Minato-san was inviting her to form a band together, claiming she had both the skills and determination to rival Sayo. They all said the same and look what she had always ended up with? Sayo sighed. Fine, she could at least watch Minato-san's performance. It wasn't as though honing her skills alone would have any meaning if she couldn't play on a decent band.
That was her mistake.
Once Minato-san's voice sounded, there was no way Sayo could look away from her anymore. She was shining so bright, so searing; she was a star. Sayo held a hand to her chest. Her heart wasn't pounding hard like the romance novels would describe, but there was a strange feeling, a yearning, a desire. She soon realized what it was. If she could, she wished the stage and everything else would just disappear so that Minato-san and she would be here alone, and the dazzling beauty she was seeing would solely belong to her.
She was in love.
"Please let me join your band!" Sayo had answered Minato-san after the performance. It was the obvious course of action – she had fallen in love with Minato-san's music after all.
Yes, of course it had just been the music. There was no way it could've been the person. She didn't know Minato-san personally, and though she was rather gorgeous, Sayo had not been captivated until she started singing. So, it had to have been the music. And Sayo would never, never be the vain type of person to fall in love with a pretty face alone.
Then why was she feeling like this now?
The bus rolled along another couple meters before stopping again. They had already been stuck on this highway out of Ibaraki for an hour, the end of the congested traffic nowhere in sight. Cars sandwiched them from all sides. Shirokane-san had checked the news on her smartphone and said that a truck carrying dangerous chemicals had flipped somewhere ahead – they were waiting for the cleanup to finish, which would be who knows how long?
At some point, Minato-san had dozed off; Imai-san said she had stayed up late working on a new song last night, something she should've refrained from seeing that they had an out-of-town live this morning. But Minato-san's work schedule had always been sporadic. It all depended on when the inspiration came. There were days when the ideas were dry, and they would witness Minato-san just lying there spacing out at the ceiling. To make up for the lost time, she would write whenever she could, even if that meant at an ungodly hour like 3 am.
This was all fine and good until Minato-san, in deep slumber, had decided to rest her head on Sayo's shoulder. Sayo tried hard to ignore the warmth that was seeping through at their point of contact. Minato-san's hair was long; it fell down Sayo's exposed arm, soft and pleasant to touch. Sayo felt the urge to run her fingers through the lengths, but when she realized just how inappropriate the thought was, she instead landed her hand on Minato-san's shoulder.
"Minato-san?" Sayo called, but her voice was far too quiet to wake Minato-san, not that she really had the conviction to do so.
When Minato-san didn't respond, Imai-san - who had been seated on her other side - wrapped an arm around her to pull her away from Sayo. At this movement, Minato-san's eyes slowly opened, revealing a confused gaze.
"…Lisa?"
"Here, I'll let you borrow my shoulder instead. You were bothering Sayo, you know?"
"Un." Minato-san mumbled something incoherent, probably some form of affirmation, and compliantly rested her head on Imai-san's shoulder instead.
Sayo looked away.
She couldn't understand what she was feeling. She had been bothered by Minato-san resting on her just a moment ago…right? Then why - now that Minato-san was no longer "bothering" her - was she feeling so…hollow? It was as though she had missed a meal, her stomach churning with nothing but acid.
Sour. The feeling was so sour. She hadn't felt exactly like this before, but if she were to compare it to a previous experience, it would be like all those times when Hina took up one of her beloved interests on a whim and, in a matter of days, shown off just how much better she had become, leaving Sayo to eat her dust.
Was she jealous of Imai-san?
Sometimes Sayo would dream, those dreams probably a reflection of all the pointless thoughts she didn't want to admit to whenever she let down her guard and her mind wandered. In those dreams, she'd see Minato-san. Minato-san in her house studying, writing a song, practicing…Minato-san going to a music store on an off-day, Minato-san going to the park to visit stray kittens. Most of the time, the Minato-san in her dreams would be bearing a serious, determined expression, but other times she'd be smiling, so delicately that it was precious just to bear witness to it. And then, those dreams would end with the appearance of Imai-san. It turned out that the one Minato-san had been smiling to had been Imai-san all along.
Imai-san was the one closest to Minato-san.
Whenever Sayo wondered what Minato-san was doing, there would always be the possibility that Minato-san was talking to Imai-san. They could be together at school. They could be together visiting a café. They could be together because Imai-san had climbed onto Minato-san's balcony and Minato-san had begrudgingly let her in.
If not, then maybe Minato-san was thinking about Imai-san. Even if not that, then surely, at the very least, Imai-san would be the one to know what Minato-san was doing and thinking, not Sayo.
Sayo was far away. Minato-san would never be thinking of her. The only time Sayo would come up in Minato-san's thoughts would be when she envisioned Sayo's playing in their next song.
If only she could be like Imai-san. If only she could come into the studio calling Minato-san by her given name, grabbing her by the arm and feeding her cookies while she protested half-heartedly. That was impossible, she knew. So, she could settle for less.
If only Minato-san would just look at her.
"…Sayo? Sayo?"
Sayo's eyes snapped open. She was still inside the bus they had taken from Ibaraki, but it had gotten dark outside, the scenery now recognizable to her. They were back in their hometown. The bus had been emptied, leaving just Imai-san and herself. The others were waiting outside.
"I thought it would just be Yukina but didn't know Sayo would doze off too. Did you have a good nap?"
Imai-san was smiling at her, offering a hand to help her get up. Sayo brushed it away.
Why did she do that?
Imai-san gave an awkward smile. It made Sayo feel horrible about what she had done. Still, she was too proud to apologize. She just stood up by herself and averted gaze from Imai-san. "Thank you for your concern. I am fine."
Sayo convinced herself that she was not jealous of Imai-san specifically, but the close friendship between Imai-san and Minato-san. Sayo never had many friends because of her personality. Whenever she concentrated on something, she'd put everything into it, not wasting time on popular pastimes like watching movies or shopping for trendy clothes and accessories. It gave her a gap with her classmates; few were even comfortable talking to her. But Minato-san accepted her. Minato-san praised her efforts. It must be because of this that Sayo wanted to be close friends with Minato-san, the way Imai-san was. That must be all.
Sayo usually wasn't the indulgent kind of person, but she figured that though she might have ulterior motives, befriending her bandmates was not in itself a bad thing. Minato-san used to say that friendship was unnecessary in Roselia but had recently found it an irreplaceable ingredient for propelling their music to greater heights. This was why Sayo started accepting Imai-san's invitations to go shopping together, often with Minato-san in the tow. But whenever the three of them hung out together, Sayo would always gravitate towards Minato-san. At first, she didn't notice it. It was until one time when they visited a café. Sayo had led the way to their table, following close to the waitress, but once they arrived, she stood to the side in wait for Minato-san to sit first. Imai-san looked a little perplexed. "Why don't you sit down, Sayo?" And it was then that Sayo realized she had intended to wait so she could sit beside Minato-san, not Imai-san. The revelation made her self-conscious of all their interactions. Was she walking by Minato-san's side too much? What if Minato-san caught on and thought she was acting weird? What if Minato-san misunderstood her feelings and interpreted it as an…unnatural, improper attraction?
Sayo didn't know what she feared more, that Minato-san would misunderstand her, or that it was no misunderstanding in the first place.
She had to control herself. She did not want to contemplate exactly what were those feelings she had for Minato-san, but whatever they were, she could not let anybody know about them. Professionalism was the core of Roselia. If she let this be and it started hindering her performance, she would be ejected from the band. She could not let that happen. She would not admit that her greatest fear was being abandoned by Minato-san; instead, she attributed her conviction to stay to her iron-will to one day surpass Hina on the guitar.
As she tried to change her behaviour, she garnered the concerned glances from her bandmates. She ignored them. They did not know what she was going through, but she knew, and this was the only way she could fix things before it got too late.
"Sayo?"
Ah. Minato-san was speaking to her.
Sayo tried to maintain her composure. "What is it, Minato-san? Is it a problem with my performance? I am aware my precision has been poor today; I apologize, and I promise to practise more tonight."
"You were slow on one transition in the last song we practised, but it was minor and I figured you had already noticed and would fix it in the next practice run. But that is not what I wanted to talk about."
There was a tense feeling in Sayo's chest. Fear. She took a breath and held it a little longer to calm herself before speaking again.
"Then what can I do for you?"
"I just want to know if something is bothering you lately."
Sayo searched a way to respond. If she answered "nothing", Minato-san would likely press on.
"I am sorry this has become noticeable and might have caused you inconvenience, Minato-san. The truth is, an archery tournament is coming up and I have lost some sleep over it. I should have done better at managing my own condition. Please forgive me for my immaturity."
There was a moment of silence as Minato-san's gaze bore into Sayo. She tried her best to meet it sternly, but found it difficult, the golden colour of Minato-san's eyes seemed to intensify as the gaze turned almost to an accusatory glare.
"Fine, if you insist on such an explanation," Minato-san said in the end.
Minato-san was an enigma Sayo would never understand. The most personal thing she knew about Minato-san was her hopeless love for cats, something that quickly became obvious to anybody who had more than a couple conversations with her. Minato-san said she wanted to understand her band members more, recently developing a habit of soliciting their opinions whenever she could, even on subjects as random as what they ate for lunch. But for all she did to try and understand them, she never tried to be understood in return. The only time she would talk about herself was when apologizing for letting her personal matters affect the band; they would otherwise never know about her father and how she devoted herself to music in hopes of inspiring him to perform again. There could be only one explanation for this: that she did not care for them beyond being members of Roselia. Her interactions with them was to improve their performance. That was her only goal.
Why then did she seem angry just now? Even if she could tell that Sayo's archery tournament explanation had been a lie, did it matter? She even admitted that it was not affecting Sayo's performance, so why should she care?
A few days later, Minato-san asked Sayo for help with writing their new song.
"I have been working on a guitar verse but it sounds satisfactory at best. I think it is missing something. Can I get your opinion on it after practice?"
"I would be more than willing to help, Minato-san."
"Good. Then let's head to my place after we're done here."
Sayo froze. "Would Imai-san be coming too?"
"Lisa?" Minato-san looked confused. "Well…I think she said she has a shift at the convenience store today. Why?"
Sayo struggled for an explanation. "Wouldn't it be better if we wait for a day when she is available so she could give her opinion too?"
Sayo knew her explanation sounded weak, but she didn't expect Minato-san's gaze to turn to the same glare she had given her a few days ago. In fact, it had gotten worse. She could not find a shred of intent of Minato-san backing down this time.
"I am asking for your opinion. This has nothing to do with Lisa."
"…that is not what I meant…"
"Have you been avoiding me, Sayo?"
Sayo had never seen Minato-san wear such an expression. It was a subtle change, a slight furrow of her brows or the way she clenched her teeth just a bit tighter, but it was enough for Sayo to discern her emotion – the first time she had ever been able to do so. Minato-san had been angry because she was hurt. Sayo had hurt her.
Sayo didn't even fathom the possibility.
She bowed her head so she could take her eyes away from Minato-san's gaze. The question she asked was one Sayo could not answer honestly, so all she could do was to apologize.
"I am very sorry for making you feel this way."
There was a pause before Sayo heard Minato-san turn and walk away.
"Whatever. Keep doing what you want. It's not as though it matters anyway."
The incident soon faded to the background as they busied themselves with preparations for their next live. Minato-san usually did not compromise on the quality of their music and this time was no exception, perhaps even upping expectations further, as impossible as that seemed to be. Rumours were, a judge for next year's Future World Fes would be in attendance. It was no wonder why Minato-san would be so concerned; the Fes was her only goal and she would never lose sight of it over some petty exchange with her guitarist.
Practice had been intense. They increased the frequency of their group practices from eight times a week to twelve, before and after school on weekdays, and day-long practices on weekends. Every other moment that Sayo wasn't doing schoolwork, she spent practising alone, running through their setlist until she could almost play it perfect backwards. And all their hard work paid off. There was nothing to pick about their performance as of late. Simply impeccable. Even Imai-san, who was most often the one struggling to catch up to the others, had gotten down her parts to perfection. Every note was as precise as a digital recording. The tempo, the volume, the timbre – every single run-through of the songs sounded exactly the same, exactly as they were meant to sound. Sayo should've been proud of this accomplishment, but such pride evaded her. She buried herself in practice not because she thought herself inadequate, for once. She just didn't want to think about why her fire, her passion, had burnt so low lately.
The day of their live finally arrived. Before they set off for the stage, Minato-san gave her usual speech.
"We have practised hard. Believe in the fruits of our labour."
Sayo nodded. As long as she didn't think so hard, fell back to the hours and hours of practice, she would be just fine. She ignored the stage before her. She ignored the crowds below. She looked at nothing but the frets and strings of her instrument, tuned down the sounds of her peers till they became no more than a metronome for her to match her own.
Minato-san's voice, the one she had once fallen in love with, became little more than a whisper, the words she sung carried little meaning. She was afraid of looking Minato-san's way, of trying to discern what thoughts, what emotions she was giving voice to. They were standing on the same stage, on each other's side but not beside each other. They just so happened upon the same path to the same goal, but their reasons would never find consensus, and so they would not be walking ahead together.
The performance ended in largely success. Sayo only paid attention to her own playing so she could hardly speak for the others, but she at least had not made a single mistake throughout the show. They retreated backstage where Minato-san gave a curt "Good work. We will discuss our performance further tomorrow during practice" before they set off to change out of their costumes. When Sayo came out of the change room in her street clothes, she found Minato-san talking to the man she recognized as the rumoured judge of next year's Fes.
"Sayo, let me introduce you to Kawakami Ichirou-san. Ichirou-ojisan works for one of the main sponsors of the Fes. He is a good friend of my father's and was the keyboardist on his band."
The man extended his hand to shake Sayo's. They exchanged brief greetings.
"As I was saying to Yukina-chan earlier, your performance tonight was spectacular. You should feel proud of yourselves."
"Thank you."
The man's smile softened as he seemed to have descended into some pleasant thoughts. "Your sound was so nostalgic. Brings me back to the old days I spent with Ryuunosuke and the others. Oh, not sure if you already know this Sayo-chan, but Ryuunosuke is Yukina-chan's father."
Sayo nodded out of politeness. She didn't care for the contents of this conversation. She didn't dare to care for any of it.
But Minato-san was engrossed. "My father's and your work has been my inspiration. I was deeply touched when I first heard you perform, and it has become my motivation to use this sound to speak to my father in hopes that he would play again one day."
"Oh?" The man looked surprised, followed by a little awkwardness. "That's a noble goal, but I really don't think Ryuunosuke will play again. I hope I am wrong though…"
At this, Minato-san stiffened. Her tone took on an edge as she demanded an explanation from Kawakami-san.
"Why?"
"Ryuunosuke quit because his ideas ran dry. He couldn't compose music anymore, so…"
"It was because of the agency that forced him into incorporating nonsensical elements to his music in hopes it'd sell better! It ruined his chances at the Fes…it ruined him…"
Minato-san looked to be on the verge of tears. Sayo wondered if she would've already cried right then and there if not for her presence.
The man moved closer to Minato-san but paused at arm's reach. He looked conflicted, but after some contemplation, spoke again gently.
"Did Ryuunosuke really tell you that? The agency ruined him?"
After a long silence, Minato-san finally answered.
"No."
"I see."
He looked at her with a gaze that seemed to convey a genuine concern. "I think it's better for you to hear it directly from him. But I can tell you this much: humans change. Humans grow. Music is the language of our hearts. If our music cannot grow with our changing hearts, then it will fail us. Even if you try to cling onto feelings from the past, the music that is composed as a result will only become stale. Your sound right now is wonderful, Yukina-chan, but one day it will not be enough."
Was their music becoming stale? Was that why Sayo's passion was fading away?
Minato-san's music had spoken so deeply to her the first time she heard it. So powerful yet simultaneously fragile – she felt in Minato-san a pain from the past and an insecurity for the present, but also a steel conviction towards her future. It resonated with Sayo. She would watch Minato-san during their performances, watched as she tossed her arms out like the voice she projected, leaned on the mic stand to gaze the lights above as softer notes reached for a height that was still beyond them. At first, she had been contented just supporting her from the side, holding her up like a jewel to the sunlight. But at some point, it had become insufficient.
She wanted more, though she knew she didn't deserve it. Who was she to demand from Minato-san something she wouldn't even admit to desiring in the first place?
It did not stop the sickening feeling in her guts when she got Minato-san's text message that said their next practice was cancelled, the date for the one after that left undecided. Sayo didn't know whether Minato-san had relayed to the others exactly why she was doing this; she wouldn't be surprised if Minato-san hadn't, leaving the others in the dark just like the time she nearly abandoned Roselia for a deal to go to the Fes alone. That time, Minato-san had decided to continue with Roselia as a band, but that was just so they could all reach their individual goals. If Minato-san found that her own goal had been wrong all along, it only made sense for her to quit.
There was no reason for Sayo to feel as though she had been betrayed.
It was stupid of her to have hoped that Minato-san would have found a new goal based on their bond together. What bond would that be? Of course, it would be inexistent when they could not understand each other, and even when Minato-san tried, all Sayo did was to push her away.
Sayo barely heard the doorbell ring; so deep was she in her thoughts. It was followed by some chatter, then footsteps up the stairs. Soon after came her mother's voice from the hall just outside her bedroom.
"Sayo, your friend Minato-san is here to see you."
Sayo opened her door, and sure enough, there beside her mother stood Minato-san. Minato-san nodded her head politely. "Sorry for intruding, unannounced no less. There is something I would like to discuss with you in-person."
"Alright, please come in and have a seat."
Minato-san sat down on one of the cushions beside the low table. Sayo slowly closed the door, trying to sort through her feelings at Minato-san's unexpected arrival. She finally walked over to take a seat across from Minato-san.
"I guess you already know what I want to discuss right, Sayo?"
At this, Sayo could only nod. "Is this about the matter from yesterday's live?"
"Indeed."
Sayo couldn't quite believe Minato-san would want to discuss this deeply personal matter with her, of all people.
"Have you already spoken to Imai-san about this?"
"No."
"Then…why me? Because I was present when Kawakami-san was speaking to you?"
"Because you are my first band member, and I care about what you think."
Minato-san did not even hesitate. Her gaze never wavered.
Sayo was speechless for a moment, all the bitterness that had fueled her just a moment ago deflated and she was left grasping for any other way to keep control of this conversation. She couldn't find it.
"Then…what is it exactly that you want to tell me, Minato-san?"
"First of all, I am sorry." Sayo looked up to see Minato-san's gaze had softened, looking off to something behind Sayo. Minato-san often looked older than she really was; the way she held herself made it seem like she possessed none of their adolescent uncertainties about the future, walking forward with an absolute vision of where she was headed. But now, she looked like the teenage girl she was, that Sayo was. She struggled to find her words. "What Ichirou-ojisan said made me waver. I didn't want to believe it. But I found out it was true last night."
Sayo cursed the table separating them. She slid her hand across it but stopped short of touching Minato-san's.
"Did you speak with your father last night?"
Minato-san nodded. "I did, and he said Ichirou-ojisan was right. I was the one who decided for myself that the failure at the Fes was what ruined my father. I never had the guts to ask him directly. I guess a part of me was afraid that…my father isn't the perfect idol I've always looked up to; that he was the one who chose to give up and no matter what I do, he wouldn't take up music again."
Sayo didn't know what to say. She pondered comforting Minato-san with reassurances or giving advice with whatever little knowledge she had about the situation. But that was likely not what Minato-san was looking for, right? If that was what she had wanted, she would've gone to Imai-san already.
What was it that only Sayo could give to her?
It was not pity. Not mindless praises. But the strange trust they have always shared since the very beginning.
"Knowing this, do you still plan on continuing with Roselia?" Sayo asked.
"I don't know."
Minato-san lowered her head so her expression was hidden beneath a shadow. She wiped a cheek with the back of her hand.
Sayo averted her gaze to give Minato-san some privacy. "The fact that you are wavering means you have a lingering desire to stay. Then what is stopping you?"
"It is not just a lingering desire…Don't get me wrong, Sayo. I know I want to stay. I have no uncertainties about that." Minato-san's voice became louder as she lifted her head again, eyes shining with residual tears. "I have said this before. While I started with the sole motivation of inspiring my father, it is no longer as important as my desire to play together with all of you. But I cannot express this new desire in the music I compose! It is as Ichirou-ojisan had said – my music is not growing with my person. I am still clinging onto the style that belonged to my father. I ignored it at first because I honestly didn't know what I should do. This was the only path I had known my whole life. But what happened yesterday made me have to face it…my father hit his limit; if I follow him then I would too, and I would be taking all of you to the same destined failure. I don't want that!"
The crying girl before Sayo was not the gorgeous songstress who had once captivated her, but the warm feeling in her chest didn't wane, only growing stronger. It was then that Sayo realized, her idolization of Minato Yukina had long since changed to something different, something more, and no amount of denial or avoidance could erase the fact.
Sayo had thought this admission would crumble her world, but rather, it left her strangely at peace.
This time, Sayo reached over to touch Yukina's hand and held it.
"If you cannot find a new sound that reflects the current you, then leave it to us. Show us who you are, we will find that sound with you, together. I won't say we will succeed for sure, but even if we fail, even if all this may end eventually, we will never lose memories of having tried. That alone is enough for me. I promise I will never regret having been by your side."
"Sayo…"
Minato-san shakily flipped her hand so she could return Sayo's grasp. Some of the hesitation in her expression was lifted with a forming smile.
"Thank you."
Roselia returned to practice the next week. Minato-san explained to everyone her issues, and like Sayo, the others were supportive, reaffirming their faith in Minato-san's leadership and vowing to help in whatever ways they could. Imai-san volunteered to write the lyrics of their next song – a valiant effort, though everyone had to agree that it wasn't such a good idea considering her previous attempt: the infamously corny Rosalisa song. Shirokane-san agreed to join in on Minato-san and Sayo's next brainstorming session, saying that there were some motifs in the classical music she usually performed that she thought might be interesting to incorporate. Imai-san said she'd contribute cookies. Udagawa-san, as per usual, gave the most atrocious suggestion of wanting to add some "fanservice" into their next live to "unleash the demon hordes upon the unsuspecting crowds and…" Shirokane-san finished her sentence with a "…melt their souls by the eternal fires of hell." Sayo did not bother trying to understand the nonsensical ramble; the concept of "fanservice" alone was objectionable enough. She sought Minato-san for support, only to find Minato-san actually nodding in agreement.
"I know we cannot find a new sound overnight, so I have been contemplating how we can present our old songs in a different way. Oneness came to mind."
"Oneness?" Sayo couldn't exactly follow.
"I wrote the song with the image of us coming together, and we coming together with the audience. Yet, we have always performed the song standing still in our spot on the stage. This affects the way we play and sing. I find myself directing my voice to a distance far away – then where is the oneness I am trying to convey?"
"So you are saying we should change the choreograph as we perform?"
"Yes. If that is what Ako calls 'fanservice', then I find it agreeable."
They all pitched in their ideas, such as Minato-san crossing the stage sometimes to Imai-san's side, sometimes to Sayo's, and reaching out to each of them upon singing the words "dreams", "love", "world", and "future". Indeed, after incorporating the moves, their sound seemed to have changed with it. Before, they played with sheer power, but now that power took form into gravity that pulled the audience towards them. They were evolving as a band. Passion, love, loss and regret – those were themes they had once borrowed from Minato-san's father. Now, they became brighter, younger, more charismatic, and sometimes more delicate with a feminine charm. They had not completely cast away their past yet – perhaps that wasn't necessary either – but they were moving forward, bit by bit, this time hand in hand.
They were performing on a small stage today, but it seemed larger than it really was with the crowd so ecstatic, their glow sticks a sea of scorching red. Sayo was watching Minato-san sing the chorus of Oneness – she no longer averted her gaze. Minato-san was beautiful. She swayed with the beat, her hair waving and shining under the spotlight. She turned and smiled at Sayo as the chorus transitioned towards the second theme, walking to her side of the stage as they had previously practised; she was to sing with her back against Sayo's, just as she had done in the first theme with Imai-san.
But instead, Minato-san moved behind Sayo and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, her face coming close as she sang.
Emotions that sink to the depths (go away)
Vague echoes of regret (go away)
Those silent voices underfoot trying to take you away (go away)
Drive them off completely. Eternal affection (I'll go)
Minato-san's cheek brushed briefly against Sayo's just as she let go of her to return to center stage. To Sayo, the moment seemed to have lasted forever. A passing thought came to her when her gaze landed on Minato-san's lips which had been so close to her she had felt the warmth off them – what would it feel like to touch them with her own?
The thought made Sayo's cheeks burn. She didn't resist the feeling though, letting the embarrassment and that bit of secret joy fill her.
Hikawa Sayo was in love with Minato Yukina, not as an idol, not as a friend, but as a woman. She had come to accept that as a part of her true self.
She knew her feelings would bear no fruit. She knew perhaps one day they would fade into nothingness. But this was her first love. For now, she was happy enough to cherish it while it lasted.
End of Chapter 1
AN: Thank you very reading. I took some liberty in the way I wrote Sayo's character, hope it wasn't too OOC. Judging by Sayo's extreme self-esteem issues, and how her relationship with Hina was allowed to have worsened to the level we witnessed at the beginning of the Bandori plotline, I headcanon the Hikawa parents as rather negligent. I always wondered where Sayo's strictness and conservatism (see her comments on Yukina's swimsuit in the Roselia waterpark event) came from, and thought that it was probably her family. She might've felt that if she couldn't be the "smarter" sister, then at least she could be the "better behaved" sister, thus why she'd lap up whatever nonsense her family might have fed her without second thoughts. I also headcanon Sayo as being quite naïve about the world despite the mature pretense she puts up. For instance, in that 4-koma where she complained to Tsugumi about her schoolmates' lack of discipline and improper clothing choices, and Tsugumi explained that wearing accessories may be a way for one to express their individuality, Sayo didn't seem to reject what Tsugumi says. Instead, she seemed to not have considered the possibility, and even started wondering what Lisa might be trying to express with her choice of "rabbit dangling upside-down" earrings. It makes me really wonder what kind of worldview does Sayo hold, and thus why I wrote her initially equating romance and attraction to marriages, and gave her some heteronormative, patriarchal passing thoughts. My goal for this chapter, and for this work in general, is to illustrate Sayo, Yukina, and Lisa's personal growth through their interactions with each other. Hopefully I was able to portray some of Sayo's changes here.