Jackie gently pushed her fingers into her husband's hair, flexing her fingers to create a gentle massaging motion. "You almost done?"
Pete nodded slightly, putting his pen down on his desk as he turned to look up at her. "Yeah, I just want to look at this a bit more, I'll be less than an hour, I'll try to make it half an hour."
"Okay." She smiled as she gently brought her left hand up to his jaw. "You know, I am so proud of you for the way you're helping Rose, so proud."
He took her hand from his face, closing both hands around it as he kissed her knuckles, holding her gaze. "Well, I'm not having her miss out on what we have. Our little girl deserves the whole universe, and she wants to be with him, I am never gonna stop fighting for her to get that."
She lightly stroked his hair. "Like I said; I'm proud. And I love you so much. Just don't work too hard, take time to relax and enjoy yourself. I know someone who's going to want his daddy to have plenty of time for him soon."
He grinned. "Half an hour, I swear. I just wanna sort this thing so I can give it to her tomorrow."
"Okay. Come and find me when you're done, sweetheart."
"I will. I love you." He cupped her cheek, drew her closer so their lips met, and then kissed her stomach.
She smiled at the affectionate gesture, letting her fingers trail across his back as she left him be and departed from his study. She walked down the hallway to their bedroom, selecting the large, decorated wooden box from her dressing table, and carrying it to the library. It was as warm as she'd hoped, so she walked across to the giant cushion on the floor, stooping slightly to gently place the box on the floor. Jackie gently put a hand on her bump so she'd feel assured of her baby's comfort, and eased herself down to sit in the centre of the cushion, crossing her legs. "There we go, nice and cosy in here, isn't it?" She reached forward and drew the wooden box a little closer, carefully opening it and pulling out the contents. Inside was a stack of handwritten letters, each one from Pete and written at some point during their time apart. Amongst them lay a tablet computer; he'd bought it for her a couple of days after their reunion, had a message engraved on the back, and uploaded all the videos he'd made with messages to her in them. When he'd given her the collection she'd burst into tears at the sheer number of them; she'd been lying in his arms the night of their reunion when he mentioned writing to her, and been flooded with adoration at the very idea, but holding the hundreds of letters in her hands had rendered her speechless at the reality of such a gesture of love.
With that memory in mind, she selected a letter, and began to read.
I'm so sorry, Jacks. Oh, my beautiful wife, I love you.
I hope you know how much I want to be there right now. It breaks my heart that I'm missing Rose's 1st birthday; I never thought I'd miss a single one, at least not until she was grown up and had moved out, and even then I hoped it wouldn't be so far that we'd miss them. Tell her I love her. Tell her 'happy birthday' from me.
I bought her a beautiful little soft toy dog, chocolate brown with shiny eyes and a blue collar with 'Tyler' on the tag. How could I resist that, eh? Our name. It's sitting on the desk in front of me right now, and will stay there until I can put it in her hands.
I want you to know I'm working hard, building the business up, building the profits and my connections, fighting to discover a way back, all for you.
I miss you so much, both of you, and I love you. My heart yearns for you constantly.
Pete xx
I did it, Jacks.
You know how I used to tell you about the future, how I promised I would find something that would make us money? Well I did it.
Vitex has taken off, and it's growing every day. I couldn't have done it without you.
Please just be here to appreciate it. Just be here, Jacks.
I love you.
Forever yours,
Pete x
Jackie,
Hello, sweetheart, I dreamt about you earlier, well I always do really or you're at least there when I dream about Rose. It's 4am now and I know I'm not getting back to sleep tonight, so I thought I'd tell you about my dream.
When I call it a dream, it actually started off with the memory of our wedding night, when I'm holding you in my arms and watching as you fall asleep. The most beautiful sight I've ever seen bar you holding our little girl. And that's exactly where it skipped to next; the day she was born with you as radiant as ever, sitting in bed and cradling our newborn baby girl, and Rose is just a little angel, quiet and content as she smiles up at us in that beautiful, reflexive way that newborns do.
I remember even in my dream I wondered if I was being tormented with those wonderful memories of you both, but then, even when I didn't think it was possible, it got better. I was dreaming of our reunion, that's happened before, many times, but this was different, dreaming of the actual moment it happened. I saw you standing there, older but the years have been so good to you, and Rose is right next to you, all grown up with all your beauty and attitude and strength, and my eyes. And I got to hold you, I wrapped my arms around you and squeezed you tight and relished in the feeling and moment.
It was just perfect, but of course then I woke up, woke up in tears like I keep doing because I miss you so much. I just hope you're both okay, that you're looking after each other and have enough money, I did my best to look after you, please tell me it was enough.
I'm still fighting to find you. You've got to be out there somewhere, this can't be impossible, it just can't or I wouldn't be able to keep going. We'll be together again, I swear.
I need you. I love you.
Pete xxx
The video camera began recording as he released the button and sat back. "Hello, love." Pete smiled. "I've been writing you letters for a long time now, years, and I'll probably still do that once in a while, but now video cameras are readily available and good quality for a good price, and even though I've been talking to you anyway, I just feel like this would be better than just letters, like a video diary. This way one day you can hear my words, and I can feel like you're actually there listening to me, it makes me feel a little bit better. I love you."
He looked down for a second, then stared into the camera. "I, um, I'm starting to fear that I'm forgetting you. That kills me. There are times, not all the time, but sometimes when I think about you I can't remember the details of some moments like I used to. I don't know if I'm just getting old, but I'm not that old yet, maybe I'm ill but I still feel as sharp as usual when I'm working or looking into ways back to you. Maybe it's my mind trying to cope with losing you." He bit his lip, fighting his emotions for a few more seconds until he cracked and started to sob. "I don't want to forget you. I need those memories, they keep me fighting, they remind me how perfect you both are and what's waiting for me. If I forget you I'll never see you again."
He paused to take some deep breaths and calm down enough to keep speaking, gently wiping his eyes. "What do I do?" He shook his head slightly. "Please don't let me forget you, do that for me, Jacks. I need you right now. I really need you. You and Rose are my world, I hope you know that, and if you do this one thing for me and don't let me forget, then I'll come back, I'll get to tell you that to your faces, I'll cuddle you both and tell you I love you. Just do this for me. Please. Thank you." He closed his eyes for a lingering second, then opened them, staring into the camera. "I'm in love with you, Jacks." He reached forward and hit the record button again and the screen went blank as the video ended.
Pete smiled into the camera. "Happy birthday, beautiful." He blew a kiss. "I bought you a present, again, and there's a letter to go with it but I won't bore you about that, you'll read it in time. I put it with the others." He looked away, laughter in his breath. "There's quite a pile in there, you'd better hurry up and get here to open them. You should see Rose's pile too, she'd better have bought you something nice and be spending the day with you." His expression dropped slightly. "No, I know she is, she loves you almost as much as I do, or maybe just as much but in a different way."
He looked down and ran his thumb over his wedding ring. "I'm going out in a minute, gonna take some food, music, a book and some of my research and go and sit under our tree, you have no idea how grateful I am that it's here too. I'm gonna spend all day listening to your favourite songs and songs that remind me of you, and reading one of the books you recommended to me, again, and looking to get back to you. For today I'm all yours, I'm gonna sit there by myself, phone off, no one can contact me, except maybe you if you think hard enough, but today's your day. And don't tell me it's too cold out there, it's not, and I can do that much for you. I'll be thinking of you and sending all my love your way, well aren't I always?" He half smiled. "I'll probably come and record another video for you later too. I'll tell you how I got on with the work, it's gonna be good news I can feel it. Enjoy your day, sweetheart, you're incredible. Bye. I love you." He softly smiled, tears in his eyes, and mimed a kiss as he turned off the recording.
"Hi, Jackie." He waved at the camera. "I don't actually have a particular reason for recording this today, but I've got spare time and I can't work anymore, so I decided to do what I used to do with my spare time; spend it with my family. I was thinking earlier about how much of my spare time I spent with you from the day I met you, except I think spare time is the wrong term for that because, if you think about it, it suggests that you were an afterthought, something I fit in around everything else, which is actually the opposite of what it was. You've always been my priority and I loved spending all that time with you, I could never wait to see you again, I fit my work around your work shifts, I loved it when we were up 'til all hours talking or you called me up or you came over late at night because you needed a cuddle."
He beamed. "But it was even better once we were married, wasn't it? Falling asleep curled up together every night, and being with you in every way and just everything, even the little arguments and the shouting in their own way. Remember the day we found out you were pregnant with Rose? Not even quite three weeks in but you knew and the test confirmed that, and I still remember the sheer joy on your face 'cause that was our dream coming true, right in front of our eyes. We loved every day of the pregnancy didn't we? I loved feeling her kick and watching you grow even more in confidence and love for our little girl growing inside you, and I swear no one had ever been so ready to be a mum."
He exhaled with a burst of laughter. "I still can't believe how incredible you were with the birth; in our flat, just the two of us, quicker than we expected but you stayed calm, you listened to me and stayed in control and you were wonderful, and look at her, just look at her. The most beautiful baby girl in any universe." He folded his arms across himself. "I know she's much older now but you have no idea how much I'd love a cuddle right now. She just loved us so much didn't she? Well she still does, but just cuddling up to us, content and happy, saving her tears for when she really needed something." He laughed. "Or when she needed us to calm down and stop arguing. You know, she's gonna do that again one day; get us to stop shouting and make up, although now she must understand that she doesn't need to, we make ourselves calm down before long."
He smiled. "But yes I'd love to be holding our little bundle of joy and love and beauty right now, watching her nestle closer and drift off as you fall asleep on my other shoulder. You're both so beautiful and I love you with all my heart. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just start talking about you and my feelings and then I can't stop rambling. I guess I was just reminiscing, I couldn't help thinking about what I should be doing with this time, but for now this will do, I've still got all that going on in my head after all. I can still see you both smiling in my head, and hear you say 'I love you' as Rose is curled up in my arms, content, and you're keeping me strong."
He looked down at his watch. "That's about all the time I've got right now, not very long, I know, but I've gotta go to a meeting, gotta keep the business going so all the money goes into the research projects and Torchwood and our savings. But I think we're getting close now; all these tiny little steps have finally got me close enough so I can see you in the distance. I'll see you soon. Bye, I love you, Jacks." With a soft smile, he reached forward and ended the video.
"So, Rose, it's your birthday today, happy birthday, sorry I can't be there, I'm gonna keep trying to be there for future ones though." He looked down as he clasped his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. "It's funny, I wanted to sit here and kind of talk to you but I don't know what to say. There are plenty of things I could tell you but they don't feel right for your birthday. I should have something profound and wonderful to say to you but all I have to offer is that I love you."
He weakly smiled at the camera. "I guess I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking of both of you and I miss you. I'm not sure what I can do today for you, or to be closer to you, you're not a little baby anymore. I wish I could see you right now, I wish I was sitting there with you, Jackie, and the two of us were watching our little girl, watching you, Rose, open your presents and that we had plans today and that I got to cuddle you and…" He exhaled sharply. "I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, just, you have no idea how much I'd give for one hug and one kiss right now. I wish I could have just one hug from you, Rose, and one kiss from you, Jackie, just to see you for that second, just to give me strength to keep going, not that I'm gonna give up. I won't give up, I promise, I've promised before but I promise again. I'll never stop fighting for you, not until the moment I die, die for good anyway.
Rubbing the back of his hand, he half smiled. "Knowing me it'll probably take that long. I'm not exactly the smartest man either of you have ever met, I mean I've never been good at anything except loving you and your mum, Rose, maybe that's why I never stopped, or maybe it's just 'cause you make it so completely impossible not to. I like to think I might be a good dad too, given the chance."
"Whatever happens, if you're watching this, I want you to know that I love you. Jacks, I've been in love with you since I first saw you, and I suppose in a way I really always have been; I was waiting to meet you, waiting to find the woman that I held in my heart and was completely in love with, and then I met her, I met you. And, Rose, our beautiful, beautiful daughter, I've loved you for so long too. Like your mum, I've always wanted children, so in that sense I suppose I've loved you all my life too. Obviously I loved you when you were born, and I loved you the second we found out you'd been conceived, but I also loved you yourself, as my child with Jackie, before that, I fought for you as well as her, 'cause I love you and I wanted to give you the chance to live. I just completely love you both."
Tears had begun to cloud his vision but he wiped them away, a hint of a frown on his face. "And if you never see this, not because I went to you, but because I didn't make it, then I want you to know I tried. I'm sorry." After a second he reached forward and the screen went blank.
Jackie let go of the tablet with one hand, wiping the tears from her eyes, and then gently resting her palm on the swell of her belly. A smile gradually spread across her face as she caressed the bump of her unborn child. "You're so lucky to have your daddy, sweetheart. And you know I'll try my hardest to be the best mum I can be, but I already know that he'll be the perfect dad to you." She rubbed her thumb back and forth. "We're so lucky."
Pete closed his eyes as he grinned, leaning against the wall in the hallway beside the door. Waiting to hear if she'd say any more, but finding her silent, he stepped just inside the library, looking round at her. She was still gazing down at where her thumb stroked her stomach. "You alright, love?"
She turned her head to meet his gaze, eyes sparkling with tears as she nodded and softly smiled. "Yeah. I'm just reading your letters and watching your videos."
"Oh." He tentatively smiled back, eyes watering at the memory of all the pain and heartbreak amongst the love he'd put into them.
"I just thought I'd come and sit where it's quiet, somewhere cosy to keep me and our baby warm." She ran a hand over her stomach. "And I could make my way through some of your messages. They're beautiful."
"Well, don't get yourself worked up."
She beamed. "I'm not. Look, I'm calm, just a little bit emotional, can you blame me though, reading these? But our Little Mite is relaxed, happy and healthy, perfectly cosy." He leant against the doorframe as he gazed at his wife, eliciting a gentle laugh from her. "You coming to join me then?"
"Is that okay?"
She nodded with a grin. "Come on."
He walked across to her, carefully joining her on the cushion, and wrapped his arm around her, kissing her temple. "Beautiful."
She cupped his cheek, drawing him into a kiss. "You made it."
Although confused, he smiled. "What?"
"Look." She moved the tablet to rest between them on their knees, rewinding the video slightly to play the last few seconds.
"And if you never see this, not because I went to you, but because I didn't make it, then I want you to know I tried. I'm sorry."
"You made it. Thank you."
He cupped her cheek. "Thank you."
Jackie pressed her lips to his. "You have no idea how much I love you."
Smiling, he gently placed his hand over the one touching the letters. "Well, you've been looking at these so you must have some idea how much I love you." He shifted his hand to rest it on her stomach. "But, Jacks, you've given me Rose and now you're bearing my child again; of course I know how much you love me."