If I Told You A Secret

It was the sickening feeling in Blair's stomach that had caused her to end things with Nate roughly a month after her debutante ball. Guilt. That was what it was. Because out of all the people in her life, the good, the bad, the disappointments and all, the one person who had never done anything to hurt Blair was Chuck Bass. She knew her being with Nate hurt him. For some strange and rather endearing reason, Blair had a hand over Chuck. And she did like him, she did care about him. He was one of her best friends- actually he was her best friend- because Serena had slept with Nate while he was her boyfriend and a best friend wouldn't do something like that.

But when she thought about the whole situation; her naïve feelings towards her future with Nate and her bond with Chuck, she had literally thrown up. She hadn't forced her fingers down her throat like she used to, Chuck had put an end to that. No, she had fallen to her knees with guilt at the way she had hurt her friend and emptied every bad thing she had in her into the toilet; praying that they would never return to tarnish the happiness and beauty that had slowly made its way back into her life.

However, things with Nate had ended, and Blair was curled around the toilet again. Tears marred her face like silver liquid scars and an unsteady sob rippled from deep inside her core, grated past her heart before it bit the insides of her cheeks and then rolled slowly from her tongue.

"Chuck."

Blair wanted Chuck to comfort her like he had when Serena had disappeared and Nate had changed and her parents had split up. She wanted Chuck to hold her hair back while she threw up and then wrap her in his unpredictably warm embrace until her tears drenched his shirt where it stretched over his shoulder, like they had done so many times before. In fact, she wanted Chuck to be able to put an end to whatever illness she had, because he had last time. He'd stopped her from being sick. He'd stopped her from emptying everything she had until she had nothing. No, he had made sure she had stayed whole, stayed strong. "Because honestly Waldorf, most guys like a bit of ass to grab," he'd told her as he kissed her forehead.

Guilt was sickening. Denial was too. Blair had come to find that the two; Guilt and Denial, came hand in hand. Occasionally their friend Regret accompanied them. But what place had they in Blair's life? Well Blair was distraughtly guilty over having hurt Chuck. She was devastatingly in denial over the way she felt. And she was sickeningly regretful that the first two emotions had come into play at all. She regretted that she had hurt Chuck and she regretted that she had never acted on the way she truly felt; the things she denied.

Chuck and Nate. Nate and Chuck. Charles Bass. Nathaniel Archibald. Together they were day and night. Nate was all light angles and soft edges; eyes filled with the midday sky, a smile like the sun in winter. But Chuck, Chuck was sharp sparkles in the dark; deep dark eyes glistening with golden stars, a smile that draws the moon into orbit. The former was safe, warm, gentle and comfortable. The latter was mysterious, sultry, passionate and exciting.

Each was beautiful, and each made her feel sick.

Blair reached over to the cupboard under the sink. She had only begun to rifle through her things to find some medication when she stopped. Next to each other, side by side and alone; she let her eyes fall on the unopened box of tampons and pads. She withdrew her hand, knocking almost everything from the shelf as she hastily recoiled, until the only things left standing upright were the two completely unholy signs. The anti-Father, the anti-Son. Her hand fell to her tempesting stomach. The anti-Holy Spirit. In her mind she rattled off dates, times, places, days, weeks. Months.

It was one month and two weeks since she had lost her virginity in the back of a limo to her best friend Chuck Bass. One month exactly since she had sex with Nate Archibald. How could this have happened to her? She was Blair Cornelia Waldorf; Queen of class, fashion, charisma, innocence and talent. How had she managed to become an absolute slut in one month? If there was only one possibility than that was fine. But not two.

Dark and light, battling it out to take control of her; to consume her. They fight, Paris falls.

She had only had sex with Nate once, with a condom and the withdrawal method in what luckily happened to be her least fertile time of month. But Chuck, with his passionate impulsive behaviour, maybe he had forgotten to be careful. Maybe he was just that good. But she didn't know for sure yet.

They fight, Nate falls.

Or Chuck?

xoxo

The walk was excruciating. As far as Blair was concerned, no matter the fact that she was in Queens, this was the only walk of shame worth being ashamed of. Her feet were heavy; shackled by the shadow of the future and each step dragged as she pulled the weights at the ends of her chains.

Heavy.

As heavy as her heart.

She couldn't see anyone around her, nor her surroundings. She could only see two sets of eyes; one a soft shade of blue, the other warm hazel flecked by striking gold. The colours were permanent, the emotions they portrayed, not so much. They ranged from sad, shocked, disappointed, angry, hateful and mocking. Never did they rest on loving, on supportive, on caring.

Finally Blair was at the counter, exchanging money for three pink boxes which she quickly hid inside her bag before walking quickly from the shop.

And in what felt like no time she was back home, peeing on a stick. One after the other, she let the results rip her from stem to stern, as if she were a stunning wooden ship, twirling roughly with the tempest. The waves would kiss her body, the lightning would lick her skin and the rain would soak her bones. The rocks would tear. And finally the storm settled and the she could see what was in front of her. At once the result was stunning and devastating. At once she was crying with relief as much as she was with grief.

She dropped the test onto the bench with the others and picked up her phone. From her contacts she selected Serena, Nate and Chuck. With blinding speed she typed a message to the four people she loved most.

NJBC,

Friday-Sunday, my Hamptons house.

Need a good time- I just wanna be free.

Be there- B xoxo.

Blair hit send and went down stairs to talk to her mother. She found her sitting on the sofa with a copy of Vogue. Blair composed herself. She was worried that her mother would sense a change in her.

"Mom, can Serena, Nate, Chuck and I go to the Hamptons house this weekend?" Her voice came out shakier than she thought.

"I suppose," Eleanor replied, not bothering to look up from her magazine. "If Dorota goes with you."

Eleanor's lack of responsiveness caused Blair to tear up. She ran back to her room before she broke down. On her bedroom floor, with her back pressed against the door, Blair cried and desperately longed for her weekend of normalcy. She could pretend that everything was fine, but after that weekend, she would have to face the truth. She was going to be a mother, and she'd be damned if she was anything like her own inattentive parents. She had to find out who's it was and how she would juggle pregnancy with school. And what about college? Blair let the tears fall for all of the dreams she would have to give up on for this poor child. All of her ambitions, all of her…

She was curled around the toilet again, calling for Chuck. She didn't think the baby was his. So she cried his name so it would feel less real. But she also cried his name because it tasted sweeter on her tongue. If I told you a secret, Chuck.

For some reason, when she told herself it wasn't Chuck's baby, she threw up harder than before. She imagined the baby. He had her hair and his blue eyes and he was rolling around on her bed, being tickled be the hands of his father. And he had his smirk and it was enough to make her retch. But she was empty.

She was empty as she was full and she was relieved as she was afraid.

Her phone vibrated.

It would be a pleasure, yours of course. If only you knew how much.

Always, C. You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I knew.

He was her guilty pleasure. She indulged in the warmth that she found in the shadows between his soul and hers. When he was happy, her lips curled. When he hurt, she fell. When he cried, it was really her eyes that rained. When he closed his eyes, she fell asleep. When he watched the stars, she watched them fall. When he kissed her, she could taste her own soul. When he touched like feathers, she felt like fire.

I'll be there. Good, because I'll need you.

Love you, S. Love you too.

She was her sister. She loved her unconditionally and even as she hated her. Serena was there because Blair always would be. Serena chased because Blair was always running. Serena cared because Blair would never stop. Serena glittered because Blair shone. Serena worried because was Blair was as fragile as silk is to a blade.

Looking forward to it. You look forward but never far enough. Please see me in tomorrow's sun.

xoxo Nate. I know who you are; your number's saved in my phone.

P.S. Strawberry or peppermint? Neither. Caramel.

He was her constant. He would always be safe, even if he tried not to be. He would give her what she wanted because she asked. He would hold her hand because she reached it out. He would watch the sunrise because she couldn't sleep. He would paint the night because it couldn't last. He would offer both because she didn't like either.

Lying in her bed, Blair cried silver tears. Her carefully paved future had become a yellow brick road. It twirled infinitely before her eyes with no real direction; no start or finish. Her hand came to rest on the steady beating of her stomach, an echo of her heart reaching out to push the rest of her forward into some state of pleasantry. As pleasant as could be. Slowly she calmed until all she felt was a flutter of wings. Purple butterflies beating inside her core. Their wings settled, drifting across her insides with soft paintbrush strokes. Painting her a new future, a new path, that would begin within her very being.

Hope blossomed inside her veins and beat red and fiery through her blood. She killed it off with a single twist of the knife that had become her heart and she cursed the day that Chuck Bass had set her free and the day that Nate Archibald had locked her up again. She cried until she didn't remember that her own name was etched across his skin in liquid silver every time she cried.

Who he was she did not know, for she had no idea that as she closed her eyes, he fell asleep. Nor did she know that he would keep her safe, because he knew no other way that it should be. All she knew was that the way her world crumbled, his would too.

Ok, so this was the first instalment for my take on Blair being pregnant in season one. This was mainly just initial thoughts that she has, the chapters to come will have a lot of dialogue. Please let me know what you think, it won't take long. Reviews keep the world turning and it means faster updates. Also the chapter titles are lyrics from a song called Horses by Abby Dobson. Can't wait to hear what you think. And I'm working on another story called Falling Up, so check it out. Thanks xoxo.