One

Lyle House. We were here first, me and Simon, the two most divergent brothers known to humankind, but we didn't share any blood so at least there was an excuse. The days that ensued us being tracked down by the child services and being sent her were tediously repetitive. And exasperating. Oh, they were nice enough, Talbot more so than her counterpart Van Dop, always chirpy and eager, trying to make this as pleasurable a stay as possible like it was a temporary trip to Disneyland. They even catered for my "advancement in academics", providing textbooks, biographies, revision guides. Nothing overtly expensive, but enough so I wouldn't be hindered and would continually progress at the same pace.

No, all in all, Lyle House wasn't the most unpleasant place to be, I could cope here. It was the lack of likeliness that we would ever leave this yellow hell hole that rankled, Simon appeared perfectly content doing his daily chores, sweeping the leaves, making the beds. Being a ritualist, he did as little schoolwork as possible that was assigned to him, just like in school, surviving in classes on the bare minimum, aside from Art he had never achieved a grade above a B-. The only difference in this sense was that there were no distractions from the mundaneness of lessons and household tasks in the form of pretty girls, sports or friends.

No, he was stuck with me.

Even after Peter's arrival we mainly spent our time with each other, on Simon's part not by choice but simply because there was no other options available to him. Me, I'm more self-reliant. Peter, however was of little interest, from what I know of Simon this could have been for several differing reasons. One, he wasn't female, two, he was younger than us by about two or three years and was still at that stage – which I had plainly skipped – where video games seem like meaning of life, three he had no inclination in making friends with Simon and fourthly he was not very interesting. Personally, I believe the first two reasons had the most influence.

Then Tori arrived, or Vic –tor-ia as her pretentious and patronising mother had stressed much to her embarrassment. Instantly, I thought Simon would snap out of his delusion, he would hopefully see that there was life outside of Lyle House, a life filled with girls just as pretty as Tori, if not prettier. It didn't happen, for some reason Simon did not find Tori attractive, or at least didn't admit to. When I called him on it, it was so unlike him that I actually started worrying, he made noises about being tired of the same sorts of girls chasing him. And she did chase him, most ardently. Once, on a group outing, excluding me, they all went bowling, Tori used to being fawned over and adored came ceremoniously down the stairs in her designer jeans and dark blue sweater, obviously wearing a push-up bra and according to Simon, batted her eyelashes every chance she got.

Even when they were still inside waiting for Talbot to finish preparing my dinner for one, it was an endless rendition of:

"So, Simon, what sports do you play?"

"That's so interesting, do you prefer basketball or baseball?"

"Oh my God, me too, what a crazy coincidence"

"I love blueberries as well, they're just so . . . refreshing."

"Oh, you're diabetic. That must be really hard."

Insert an inane giggle/ fluffing up of a dark bob/ reaching over to offer a sympathetic squeeze of Simon's crushed fingers where appropriate.

I would have almost felt sorry for her, if she didn't occasionally break off from flattering Simon to give me a death glare or make some snarky comment and generally whine, bitch and moan. I was actually quite proud that Simon could overlook her symmetrical features and make a judgement based on her dreadful personality. Dad taught him well.

On the same note, not liking Tori meant avoiding her became paramount and this in my disillusioned eyes meant that Simon would be more open to the idea of escape, not so much. If anything he was more firm on this matter. Rae and Liz came, two very different girls, both nice and pretty. I liked Liz more since she actually deigned to make an effort to talk to me. The first day she came at dinner she watched me annihilate the tasteless casserole, blinking repetitively she opened and closed her glossed mouth – courtesy of her new best friend Tori – until she found something innocuous to say:

"So, you like casserole," she observed, stroking the ends of her luminous blonde ponytail like a pet cat, Tori snickered and a flicker of annoyance entered Liz's blue eyes. It was surprising to see Tori and Liz form such a close bond, since from every snide remark I have ever had the fortune of hearing come from Tori's mouth has always been critical of blondes. The mass media has a lot to answer for as their portrayal has deemed them dumb, flighty and dependent on their usually butch male love interest. Though that is not the part Tori has issues with, Tori dislikes the fact that blondes apparently only have to bat their wide eyes to get people to simper over their perfect looks and thus do their bidding. Simon spent an hour explaining this to me, for reasons I still am unaware of. This is what we do for fun around here.

Liz did, however, have wide eyes, wide, blue eyes to be specific and blonde hair, but there was considerably less batting coming from them than there were from Tori's dark eyes. Just saying.

Still, it was nice of Liz to make an effort, however misguided, and she didn't stop, she said one polite thing to me daily like she was filling a quota, even if it was just discussing the weather. It wasn't her fault that I preferred being ignored and left to my own devices, although after a week I did expect her to take the hint. Rae never bothered, she thought me rude and not worth her time, she treated Simon just the same, argued only with Tori and bristled constantly about her weight. I once said that she didn't look obese to me in a private conversation with Simon and Rae, eavesdropping, found that unexceptionally rude and yelled a bit about my own aesthetic inadequacies. Nice.

For once, possibly since the first time since he turned twelve, Simon did not have a girlfriend. It would have been a nice change if Tori hadn't taken the role anyway and decided to badger me about Simon's whereabouts and recreational habits. It was just like being back at school when there was a big function coming up and at least five girls would interrogate me about Simon's date. The highest score was for the last prom where nine girls had shown an interest, according to Dad that was scientific proof that Bae's just got better with age. I'm not a Bae. I'm Derek Souza. An up and coming werewolf, coming soon in cinemas near you, bring silver bullets.