A/N: In an effort to distract myself from the looming prospect of my AP English exam tomorrow morning, and also as a result of allergy medication that for some reason is making me extremeley hyper, and, as a result, extremely silly, these past few days, I wrote this. It's just a wacky, crazy, nonsensical little ficlit about the hazards of magical mistletoe. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: If I was Jo, I would use my writing prowress and considerable fan base to rule the world. Have you seen a DobbyRoxMySox blimp buzzing around your hometown recently? Nope. That must mean I'm not Jo.
Mistletoe is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Unfortunately, James Potter was just now learning this the hard way.
You see, he was trapped underneath a piece of rather persistent mistletoe with his girlfriend of two months, Lily Evans.
This mistletoe had informed him (Yes, apparently mistletoe can speak nowadays) that it was prepared to hang in the air over their heads for as long as it took to get the couple to kiss, and it meant really kiss, not just a playful peck on the lips.
See, this mistletoe was in the business of making magically romantic moments happen, regardless of whether the participants of said moments wanted them to or not.
And James Potter and Lily Evans certainly did not.
On any other day, it would have been fine. The couple had already been through the awkwardness of announcing their coupledom to the general public when the entire Gryffindor quidditch team had walked in on them making out in the broom closet. The news had spread faster than wildfire, before they knew it, even Professor Slughorn was winking conspiratorially at them (though he did have the kind of awkwardly scrunched-up face that always seems to be in the process of winking, so perhaps that meant nothing at all) as they walked in and took their seats in potions the next day. Since then, the couple had not been shy about public displays of affection. They'd waited six and a half long years to get together, but now that they'd finally admitted their undying infatuation with one another, they found they could barely wait the necessary five minutes it took to find an empty closet or classroom to snog in.
Had Christmas Eve come any other day than today, it would have been fine. But it wasn't any other day, it was today. And today, Lily had a giant gob of green goo dangling just inches from her chapped, dry lips. Today, Lily had sneezed so many times the portraits had started a tally. Today, Lily had gone through more tissues than it would take to break the fall of a fully-grown mountain troll who'd stumbled off the astronomy tower. Today, Lily was sick. Incredibly, irrevocably, indegestively so.
To say it kinda killed the romance would be the understatement of the century.
/-o0o-/
"C'mon Lily," whined James, "Just kiss me and get it over with, I want to go get some pie, I'm starving."
Lily glared, then sniffled, then glared again. "No. You're not getting sick before your game on Saturday. Gryffindor needs you to kick some Slytherin ass. And besides, you can't be that hungry, you've already had five pieces."
James scoffed, "Four and a half. Padfoot swiped part of my last one. And I am hungry. I spent the whole day running around the castle for you, looking for pillows and tissues and soup and friggin cow turd-"
"It's called broccoli. It's good for you."
"I don't care what it's called, it looks like regurgitated slobberworms."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Wow, you know, I was just wondering how you'd manage to make this moment even less romantic than it already is, and there you go, comparing health food to stomach fluids… Guess now I know."
A clearly tipsy Sirius Black and his girlfriend? almost girlfriend? random skank he found by the punch bowl? waltzed by just then, arm in arm, devilish grins adorned on both their faces.
Sirius stopped short just long enough to address the estranged couple. "What's that I hear about stomach fluids and romance? Cuz I've got a funny story about that if you two lovebirds-"
"GO AWAY PADFOOT!"
Throwing his arms up in a gesture of defeat Sirius and the mystery girl sauntered off towards the couch.
Lily watched them go with a strange glint in her eye. James watched the glint with a mixture of fear and excitement. He knew that glint. It was the same glint she'd gotten the time she'd suggested that the perfect place to study banishing charms was on top of the roof by the courtyard, perfectly in range of a few innocent slytherin bystanders. The same glint she wore the day she'd jumped from that tree by the lake to prove she wasn't afraid of the giant squid. The same glint that had danced in her beautiful emerald eyes as she wiped the seaweed from her hair and dragged James into the lake with her, kissing him hard on the mouth for the first time since that awkward almost-kiss back in third year. Yeah, he knew that look. And if it was back now, it could only mean one thing.
"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Lily asked him, grinning mischievously.
James nodded, smiling wickedly. "Sexy Christmas Eve foursome with you, me, Sirius and that random chick?"
…
"OUCH! Ooooh OW! Ok…. What were you thinking?"
/-o0o-/
"Ow, Lily, I think I've got a pine branch up my ass." Whined James, "Do we really need to hide in the tree—I seriously doubt Sirius is all that aware of his surrounding right about now."
Lily shot a glance at Sirius. He did seem to be fully engaged in sucking off that poor girls face. "Alright, lets ditch the tree then." She said, stepping gingerly through the branches.
James had more difficulty dislodging himself. "Ah…oomph….stupid, pine-leaved-plant-things with grudges…." He grunted as he struggled to free himself from the mess of branches currently entangled in his shirt, pants and hair.
"Hey, watch who you call a stupid-pine leaved plant thing," grumbled the mistletoe, "Plants have feelings too."
"Yeah?" asked James, turning to glare at the offending sprig of evergreen, "Well then, how do you like it-"
"James, seriously," sighed Lily, "You're arguing with a twig, Let it go."
James reluctantly allowed Lily to grab his shoulder and direct him towards the task at hand. He thought he heard sprig-sized raspberry blown at his expense, but chose to ignore it. After all, he had his standards.
"So, if, theoretically say, in the course of tackling Sirius and that random chick in order to give the mistletoe a new set of victims, I accidentally get—accidentally being the key word here—an earful of random girl cleavage, you won't be mad at me, right?" James asked hopefully, figuring it was worth a try.
Lily wiped her nose on the back of her sleeve while still managing to glare a glare fiery enough to melt the polar ice caps.
"...I'll take that as a no then…"
/-o0o-/
"Alright, on the count of three. One. Two. Two and a half. Two and three quarters. Two and seven-eights-"
"Oh, for Merlins sake, three!" Cried Lily, charging valiantly forward.
James, slightly behind Lily, surged ahead as well. Together the couple weaved their way through the mess of party-goers and over to the couch where their victims awaited.
They made it up to the snogging couple on the couch and, after only the slightest hesitation on James' part, locked eyes, and pounced.
ARGH…ahhh….whaddahell…. James….Lily….Foursome?…OUCH!
And so on and so forth as the thoroughly befuddled couple tried to figure out why they were currently being suffocated by two unwanted guests and a feisty sprig of mistletoe.
After a few moments of frantic scrambling, and one awkward instance in which Sirius tried to grope what he thought was Lily's ass but turned out to be James' right thigh, the couch fell over, two of the foursome rolled in one direction, the other two remained entangled on the couch, and the dust cleared…. (well, truthfully there never really was any dust to begin with, but dusty reaveal-alls seem to wrack up the suspense a bit, so just pretend for a moment…)
Anyhow, the metaphorical dust cleared, revealing that Lily and James' plan had worked, the mistletoe had indeed chosen some new victims…
Lily and Sirius's maybe-girlfriend struggled to their feet and then promptly fell back down again, laughing so hard tears of glee began to well up in their eyes…
Sirius and James opened their eyes, stared at each other and the mistletoe dangling above their heads in horror, and then shut them tight again.
This isn't happening, this is all a dream… a sick, twisted, perverted dream… maybe if I pinch myself…
"Ouch, Prongs, that's my arm you're pinching!"
The two boys reluctantly opened their eyes again, their mouths agape at the unspeakable, unthinkable un-only-not-un terribleness of the situation at hand.
"Well, boys, pucker up," Simpered the mistletoe in as sickly-sweet yet sinister a tone as a plant could possibly muster.
…
"Aw shit…"
Well, hope you liked it. Reviews always appreciated!