I know I haven't done a D. Gray-man fic in a very long time, but my sister encouraged me to make one. So, here it is. Have fun.
Summary: Jasdevi steals certain sensitive items from Tyki. They have to get rid of the evidence before he can catch and eviscerate them. Flushing the evidence seemed like a good idea at the time.
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If Tyki discovered their stolen cache, they were so screwed. He would show them even less mercy than he showed the exorcists his Teez devoured. They'd die so bad that even Road, for all her sadism, would feel bad for them. Maybe.
"What are we going to do? He's already tearing apart my room, hi! I'm too young to die!" Jasdero wailed, gripping great handfuls of his hair and yanking on it in distress.
"It's lucky he checked your room first. Maybe all you unwashed socks and crap from your closet will strangle and eat him. Then we won't have to worry about it," Devitto replied.
From just down the hall, Tyki shouted, "For the love of the Earl! I've never seen anything so disgusting in my life! If my magazines are buried in all this filth, I'll rip off your legs and make you stump around in here until you get gangrene!"
"Eh, so much for the closet monster. I guess we've got no choice, 'Dero. We've got to get rid of the evidence," Devitto said.
"But I liked looking at it, hi. I liked it so much," Jasdero moaned.
Devitto hadn't felt this depressed ever. He'd finally found something he liked reading and now he had to get rid of it so he wouldn't die an unimaginably horrible, slimy death. Getting rid of their stash, as agonizing of a choice as it was, couldn't be any more painful than having Tyki reach into their legs and start yanking out tendons.
"Alright, hi, let's do it. But how? We can't eat them," Jasdero said.
"Damn, Road took my flamethrower so we can't burn the magazines. Even if we shred them, Tyki will still recognize something that looks like a boob. Uh, let's flush them!"
The twins gathered up the large steamer trunk that had been filled to the brim with illicit magazines Tyki had covertly gathered from all over the world. Just days ago, while Tyki was off hunting a small group of exorcists in Egypt, Devitto and Jasdero had snuck into his room and made off with his carnal collection. They had been so enamored with the exotic and degenerate sights that they hadn't bothered to return the magazine before Tyki arrived home. Now Tyki was hunting down his missing filth and the two teenage Noah with dirty minds were the obvious choice.
"Oh my God! Jasdero, what is this thing under your bed?" Tyki suddenly shrieked.
Jasdero looked at his brother and shrugged. He had any number of unnamable items under his bed. Unless Tyki described it better, it would be impossible to say.
"Whatever it is, it should distract him for a while. Help me get this into the bathroom," Devitto said.
The Noah dragged the trunk through the rancid maze that was Devitto's living quarters. Piles of fetid laundry, moldy food, homework from years ago when the Earl actually hoped the twins might have brains, and all manner of other things littered the path to the bathroom. The twins carefully maneuvered the hefty box; they had to watch closely so no magazine accidentally escaped.
Finally, Devitto kicked open the bathroom door and stepped inside. Once they had hauled the trunk inside, Devitto shut the door so Tyki couldn't see what they were up to if he entered the bedroom. Compared to the rest of his room, the shower and sink were incredibly clean; he never really used them, except on special occasions. The toilet was grimy and the lid was cracked, but at least it functioned. Necessity forced Devitto to actually use the toilet, unlike the sink and tub.
"Okay, let's not make this any harder than it has to be," Devitto said. He propped up the toilet lid and pulled magazines from the trunk. He began to tear them up into pornographic confetti.
"When I find my magazines, I'm going to replace all your organs with kitchen appliances!" Tyki's enraged voice drilled through the wall.
"We don't got 'em, Mikk! Stop bothering us and go away. Did you ask Skin or Lero if they saw your stuff?" Devitto asked.
"An umbrella did not steal my magazines!"
"He's really pissed. We have to make sure he never gets any evidence. He can blame us all he wants, but the Earl won't let him kill us without proof," Devitto said.
Jasdero nodded, his antenna bobbing as he did so. He would feel much safer once the entire collection had been swallowed by the plumbing.
Soon the toilet was full and Devitto flushed it. Once the water was clear, he began to shred more magazines. Jasdero joined in.
They flushed like fiends while Tyki finished destroying Jasdero's room. He was relatively sure the blond Noah wasn't hiding his stash. That meant Devitto must have been holding onto the stolen property. Tyki, using his ability to freely pass through anything except Innocence, phased through the wall like a ghost.
Tyki emerged from the wall and scanned the room. It was empty and the bathroom door was closed. They couldn't possibly be in there…reading his porn even as he threatened to murder them. Not even Jasdevi could be that unabashedly dumb.
"I'm coming in there and you both better be wearing pants," Tyki warned.
"Crap! Flush faster, 'Dero!"
"I'm flushing as fast as I can, hi!"
"We'll never make it in time! We've got to hide what's left. Uh, quick! Stick in under the sink!"
The Noah gathered up armloads of magazines and packed them into the cabinet under the sink. They slammed the cabinet doors shut just as Tyki stuck his head through the wall and gave the twins a withering glare.
"Where. Are. My. Magazines?" Tyki demanded.
"We got no idea, Mikk! We ain't seen them. Believe me, if we did, do you think we'd be in here and not out there enjoying them?" Devitto asked.
"Yeah, hi! We would be," Jasdero added.
Tyki wasn't buying it. "Alright. Explain the trunk then."
"We're playing a trick on Skin. We're going to fill it with cold water, sneak into his room, and dump it on him while he's taking his afternoon nap. You wanna watch? It's five bucks if you do," Devitto said. He was amazed that his lazy brain had managed to think up such a brilliant lie on the spot.
Damn it! That actually sounded plausible. Maybe Jasdevi hadn't stolen his lovely women. That meant he'd have to go interrogate Skin…and Lero. The thought of the pumpkin-headed umbrella being a pervert made Tyki's blood turn frigid. The images that popped into his head would certainly haunt his nightmares for weeks to come.
"Okay, maybe you didn't. But I'll be watching you," Tyki said. His head disappeared from the wall.
The Noah of Pleasure walked through the toxic waste dump of Devitto's room without daring to touch anything. New species of mold were probably incubating in here, and Tyki didn't want to infest his own room with spores.
Tyki stepped into the hall and decided to head off to Skin's room. Lero was probably off with the Earl, tricking some human saps into creating more Akuma for the Earl's forces. Once the umbrella got back, Tyki could ambush it and demand answers.
Back in the bathroom, Jasdero and Devitto were celebrating their first spark of genius. By some miracle, they'd managed to trick Tyki. Even better, they hadn't even been forced to destroy all the magazines. They still had a sizeable stack under the sink; they'd just have to be incredibly secretive whenever they pulled them out.
"This is awesome, 'Dero! We've still got sexy women from France, America, England… 'Dero?"
"Is the toilet supposed to be making that sound, hi?"
Devitto turned towards the toilet. It was rumbling and shaking ominously; it sounded like a geyser seconds away from eruption.
"It's gonna blow! We gotta do something!" Devitto exclaimed.
The twins exchanged looks and nodded in synch. They pulled out their pistols, aimed at the raging toilet, and shouted, "Red bomb!"
Their streak of good ideas was over.
The firebomb exploded the porcelain commode. Water, soaked strips of paper, and fragments of toilet and plumbing showered the bathroom. Devitto and Jasdero were stunned at the destruction. The force of the explosion also blew out every other toilet in the Ark.
"Wow, hi."
"Where am I supposed to pee now? I'm not borrowing Road's bathroom."
On the subject of Road, her voice, shrill and enraged, rang throughout the Ark. "My toilet just blew up! Millennie! Tyki! Lulubell! Help! There's pictures of naked women all over my bathroom!"
Devitto and Jasdero decided hiding and never emerging again was the best course of action. They grabbed the remaining magazines, ignoring their dampness, and set off to find some small, private corner of the Ark where nobody would ever find them.
THE END