(Dottie and Billy in college dorm, open door.)
(Enter Dottie)
Dottie: Hey Billy, wanna go play baseball with Joe?
Billy: I can't, I really have to finish this book on nihilism. Or I guess I don't. Heh.
Dottie: Come on dude, I finally got Joe to play on our team, we actually have a shot to win this time!
Billy: Does winning really matter?
Dottie: Don't pull that on me, bro.
Billy: I'm sorry, I'm trying to get published.
Dottie: Whatever bro.
(They stand around while Billy sits typing and taking notes and Dottie thinks, Fred walks by)
Dottie: Fred!
(Fred stops and turns)
Fred: Hey man, what's up?
Dottie: Billy's being a lame-o, I'm trying to get him to come with us to the game but he wants to write about how life is meaningless or something.
Fred: Well we gotta get him to go! This game can't get cancelled, Peaches is going to be there and I've been trying to date her since like 2011.
Dottie: How?
Fred: Well, she came to school in-
Dottie (cutting him off): I meant how are we going to convince Billy to come.
Fred: Oh. We could annoy him out of that chair.
Dottie: Okay, should we just scream?
Fred: Yeah!
(They both screech, BIlly tosses a ball of paper at them)
Fred: Okay. New plan. Come here.
(they move to right edge of stage, they huddle)
Fred: What if we bring the baseball… to us.
Dottie: We aren't allowed to play baseball in the dorms… I think.
Fred: Think bigger, man!
Dottie: You really need to be more clear, I mea-
(Fred runs out of the room)
Dottie: Well alright then.
(Dottie stands around awkwardly trying to think of something to say)
Dottie: So… how's that paper goi-
Billy: Really Dottie? I have to focus.
Dottie: Allllllllrighty then.
(More awkward standing, Fred runs in with baseball and bat, shouting)
Fred: WOOOO WHO'S READY FOR SOME BASEBALL?!
Dottie: What? We are inside! We can't play-
Fred (cutting him off while throwing a ball at him): BASEBALL
Dottie: Are you insane?!
(Billy takes a sip of his drink, Fred pulls Dottie aside)
Fred (to Dottie): Just go along with it, if we distract him with baseball, he'll get an urge to play it with us. It's like, sublimal (this is not a typo, pronounce it this way) messaging or something. We won't actually play, we'll simulate it, so, like, chill out brah.
Dottie (to Fred): You are an idiot… but fine.
(They break apart)
Fred: Aw gee Dots, toss me that there ball, daddy-o.
(Dottie pauses and returns to Fred)
Dottie: You need to stop that.
(Dottie returns to place)
Dottie (looking over at Billy): Alright, here we go… throwing it now… playing baseball…
(Dottie lets the ball slip from his hand, Fred rushes over and kicks it to Billy)
Fred: Hey Billy, you mind passing us that ball?
Billy (nonchalantly): What ball?
Fred: The baseball.
Billy: I don't see a baseball.
Fred: It's… right next to you.
Billy: I don't think it is.
(Fred pauses, then walks over to pick up the ball. Returns to Dottie)
Dottie (sarcastically): Wow, that really convinced him.
Fred: He's unbreakable! We tried everything!
Dottie: We tried two things, and one of them was screaming.
Fred (distraught): We're hopeless! I feel like I'm in some… some… some terrible student written six page one scene play.
Dottie: Come on, Big Cat. You'll be fine. Joe will come around again.
Fred: But he won't be on our team! Not after this…
(Fred buries his head in his hands while Dottie pats his back. They both look out, suddenly with an idea. They look at each other.)
Dottie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dottie: We make a deal with him!
Fred (simultaneously): Set fire to the whole room!
Dottie: What?
Fred: What?
Dottie: I'm gonna… go with my plan.
Fred: Yeah, I mean, yeah… probably best isn't it?
Dottie: I'd say so, yeah.
(Dottie walks up to Billy)
Dottie: Hey Billy, what if I find a way to give you back the time lost by playing baseball with us?
Billy: Time is an illusion.
(Dottie instantly grabs notebook and throws it down, looks ready to shout profanities but calms himself)
Dottie: That's... (holding back anger) fair.
(Returns to Fred, angered. Billy picks up notebook)
Fred: So, how's plan B sounding?
(Dottie gives him a cold stare)
Fred: No plan B, I guess.
Dottie: What are we gonna do, dude? We need Billy to play or we can't play. Joe's going to be upset with us.
Fred: Not to mention Peaches…
Dottie: And everyone else…
Fred: And ourselves…
Dottie: Deep.
Fred: Thanks.
(A voice is heard off stage)
Voice Out Window: Hey Joe, how's it going man? Warming up those biceps I see.
Fred: There's Spud, Peaches' best friend… guess the game is starting soon. Spud is probably going to steal Joe from us, man! He's going to take away our diamond in the rough. And then get with Peaches. Everyone ships them. What about me? Who ships me?!
Dottie: Spud, you fiend! Woe is he who stands idly by as life passes without him.
Fred: Deep
Dottie: RIGHT?!
(Fred lays on the floor, face up)
Fred: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Dottie: Come on man, surely that's not true!
Fred: YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE, MAN.
Dottie: Woah, alright. Sorry.
Fred: Just leave me be.
Dottie: Fred, buddy…
Fred: You should probably go study anyway. Just forget about this game. Forget about Joe… forget about me.
Dottie (kneeling down): I'll never forget you! You are like a brother to me!
Fred (puts a finger to his lips): Shhhhh… it's all ogre now.
Dottie: Fred? Fred, come on dude! Fred!
Fred: Yeah?
Dottie: You good?
Fred: Oh yeah, sure.
Dottie: Alright, guess I'll go study for my chemistry test in the library. See ya later. We'll talk to Joe about it later.
(Dottie exits)
Fred: Finally.
(Billy gets up from his chair)
Billy: I thought he'd never leave.
Fred: Now that Dottie is gone, our team might actually win.
Billy: Thank god. Let's head on out, I hope we aren't late. Joe IS a pretty great player.
Fred: Let's go, bro.
(They exit)