I. Society's a bitch
Welcome to the arctic. This is as cold as it gets. The only civilians you'll find around here are the odd penguin waddling around. Sent to this place for their own misdemeanour, a group of police officers must keep the peace in this frozen tundra. They are, snow cops.
"Holy. Fuck. On. A. Stick" said Jack standing in the middle of the snow shivering as the wind nearly blew him into his younger sister and partner in crime, Kaelin.
"Yes I know, you're cold, so am I. And do you know how fat I look with all these layers?" Said Kaelin rolling her green eyes and shifting her weight to her right foot. Their 'friends' thought it would be funny to get the pair matching lime green and gold snow suits like some demented, private school girl, vomit version of the Australian Olympic team track suits. And you know what, dear reader? It was fucking hilarious. And if you hadn't already guessed they were from Australia. Well sort of. Jack was born in Australia and Kaelin in New Zealand. So the joke of dressing her up as an Australian was not appreciated on her part.
The Trans-Tasman siblings faked their way into the police force in order to steal things from crime scenes and other criminals. So they were never really cops in the first place, but the other officers couldn't think what to do with them since they had already escaped prison thrice.
They were cunning, sly and quick, like foxes.
Ringadingding mother fucker.
"Alright you can come inside now!" Yelled the American cop sticking a white; red and blue flag out the window and waving it about in an uncontrollable and messy show of true patriotism. The American had always wanted to be a police officer, ever since he was a little child. He had what you would call, a hero complex. He loved to be the hero. And when he finally became an officer he soon realised that there wasn't as many crimes going on as he had thought. So he started committing them himself.
Not very heroic at all.
When the other officers found out about his doings, or rather, un-doings, they wanted to find a place as far away from anyone else as possible.
The arctic tundra.
Right in the middle of no where.
Alfred, our American friend, opened the door and let the two southerners inside.
"Welcome back!" Exclaimed a middle aged English man twisting his lovely new blonde dick tickler (aka moustache) and adjusting his glasses.
Not a monocle - despite what you may think.
Jack and Kaelin began slowly taking off all their layers and hanging them up and enjoying the heat of the little house. Arthur, our not so jolly Englishman, isn't one of the misfits sent to the icy tundra for his crimes, he was sent to look after them all, someone has to keep them all in order, and who better than an Englishman. Kaelin flipped her long peroxide-blonde hair out of the beanie and was down to a knit jumper and a pair of skin tight jeans - just what every sassy criminal female needs. She jumped as she felt hands caress her hips.
"Get off or I'll slap you" she growled at the Frenchman currently cupping his unpleasantly callused hands over her bottom.
He was sent there for reasons you've probably already guessed.
"Oh come on mon chéri, you're too beautiful not to touch" he said pulling her closer to him. Kaelin gave a sarcastic laugh before snarling
"Beautiful things are made to be looked at, not touched" she snapped holding Pierre's wrists tightly and forcing them into his hairy chest.
Jack took off his last coat and hung it up before growling at the smug Englishman for sending them out to the cold. Arthur chuckled, sitting in his green arm chair. All he needed was a hat and a pipe and he'd be Sherlock Holmes.
"Why did we have to stand in the snow for so long!? Nothing even happens here anyway!" Said Jack running and skidding across the tile floor in his woollen socks.
"I just wanted to see what happens when you send a tropical creature into the snow" said Arthur restraining himself from cackling like a psychopath at his hilarious joke. Kaelin looked over to him completely unimpressed. Jack stopped skidding right before he crashed into the wall and turned to Arthur.
"Why us though!? Why not send Yankee doodle over there!" He said pointing at Alfred - a little more dramatically than necessary - who was sitting on the couch playing super Mario on his Gameboy. He looked up at the people staring at him.
"YANKEE DOODLE WENT TO TOWN RIDING ON A PONY!" he yelled bouncing round the room
"Aahhhh make it stop!" Yelled Pierre putting pillows over his ears.
"Oh for gods sake shut you face!" Yelled Henry throwing a book at the dancing American
"The Art of War?" Read Alfred. examining the book, "are you planning on waging war on the penguins!?" Arthur marched over and snatched the book from him
"Its a classic you uneducated swine!" Exclaimed Arthur sitting back down with his tea and folding his legs
"They done releasing sexual tension yet?" Asked Jack leaning on Kaelin's shoulder.
"FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME I'M NOT GAY!" yelled Arthur slamming his book shut and nearly knocking his tea off its table. Kaelin giggled, turning her face away from the bright red Englishman
"If you say so darl" said Kaelin rolling her eyes and folding her arms.
"My word is worth millions" huffed Arthur shortly before furiously sipping at his tea.
"Well, when you're ready, I'm willing" said Alfred with a cheeky smile and a sexy sashay.
"ALRIGHT WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET WITH THEIR MONSTER SHIT!?" Yelled a mountain - no wait that's a man -interrupting Arthur's well-planned and cutting rebuttal. He stood in the door way holding a toilet brush covered in brown specks like some kind of fuzzy battle axe. The group jumped when the loud German voice boomed through the house/igloo/marshmallow. After they recovered from the sudden-impact-German they looked around and shrugged nonchalantly
"Why don't you ask the man who eats twice his body weight daily" said Arthur putting on his glasses and returning to his book. The Southerners snickered and the American looked around
"Hey no! I'm a growing man I need my food!" Exclaimed Alfred slamming his hands down on the couch - more melodramatics.
"Well next time..." Ludwig, the German geriatric, said trying not to snap the toilet brush in half, "MAKE SURE YOU CLEAN IT UP!" he stormed off down the hall and slammed the door to his room after throwing the speckled toilet brush down the hall.
"Well, you heard the man, clean up your shit" said Kaelin picking up the toilet brush with her thumb and index finger as if it carried the black plague and threw it at it at Alfred, spraying the little brown specks across the living room.
Ludwig was one of the best police officers in Frankfurt, he always put up the best chases through the back alleys and streets of the city. But if you hadn't already guessed, dear reader, our German geriatric has a slight anger management issue which, to make a long story short, put him on the first ship to the arctic. Arthur sighed and went back to his book as Alfred walked down the hall to the bathroom
"OH GOD- ITS A DEMON POOP!" he yelled running out of the bathroom only to be greeted by Jack who pushed him back in, locking the door from the outside - Henry made sure all the rooms had the ability to do so - and sitting down on the old, burgundy couch. Kaelin said that it was clearly just red, but Arthur was such a pompous bastard that of course the useless lump had to be 'burgundy'.
So that dear reader is our band of miss fits come to protect the penguin civilians from whatever lies in the near future.