The One They All Lost
Chapter 1 ~ Should've Known Better (But I Thought It'd Be Different This Time)
You know, I should've known better than to expect you to stay. Everyone always leaves eventually so why would you be an exception to the that? I'm never that lucky. I don't get to love the people who stick around, I love the ones who leave, who rip me apart with less than a sentence and who just can't seem to understand just how much I fucking care. I love the ones who're broken, who're barely there, barely alive. There's just something that draws a person to the lonely and broken, maybe it's the broken look in their eyes, the way their smile is a little off, strained and sad and how it never meets their eyes. Or maybe it's the way they hold themselves, shoulders hunched ever so slightly and eyes downcast, as if they're expecting a hit of some sort. You were like that you know. When you thought people weren't looking and your mask slipped away. You were broken when you could show it and you were broken when you couldn't. There never really was a hope for you was there? I'd thought I might be able to help you, to save you even... but I'm a failure as always. A fucking failure who can't save the one's closest to them. The one's who truly matter, who I'd do anything for.
I loved you you know. Not that stupid childish crush that I called love but real honest to god love. You were my brother, my best friend, my other half. I loved you and you never seemed to believe that. That I cared, that I'd sooner slit my own throat than watch you wither away; that I'd gladly give my life just to get you your happy ending. I wish I could've found a way to show you that. I can't bare the thought of you dying thinking that I didn't care, that I'd be fine without you and no one would miss you. Because people do care, Jace. Izzy can barely do anything but cry, Magnus has completely closed himself off, Clary is practically working herself to death trying to get her sadness onto canvas; Simon acts like a robot, as if he can't feel anything anymore and I... God Jace. I'm not okay. I'm so far away from 'okay' that it's not even funny. I miss you so much it hurts. I can barely think about how I failed you without crying myself into unconsciousness, I feel numb most of the time, as if you've taken a part of me with you. You told me not to get too attached, that if I gave pieces of myself to others I'd soon have nothing left, and you're right, it feels like I have nothing left. Everything is shattered and the pieces can't be put back together again. I'm-
God Jace. How could you think that this would solve anything?! I told you, I fucking told you that it'd only make it worse, that once you get rid of that pain it only spreads to your loved ones. Everyone's fading away without you. You kept us all together. Even if you were an ass most of the time you always somehow knew the right thing to say. When Iz thought she was pregnant you knew just what to say to help her. When Magnus was being abused by his boyfriend you were always there to protect him; you saved him from allowing others to destroy him. You gave Clary her inspiration back. Before she was just a zombie of a girl who would do anything and take anything just to get high. When Simon was nothing, when he was emotionless and couldn't seem to access his emotions, you were there to help ease him back into his heart, to help him feel again. And me... When I was spiralling down into my own personal hell, when I was spending every night crying myself to sleep and bleeding my body whenever I could, you were there to show me that there was a reason to keep living, that things got better, would get better.
But they're not. They're not because you're gone and you left us and dammit! This is not better! Better would be having you here, smiling that cocky grin of yours and teasing me, asking if I'd miss you if you were gone. You never did believe the answer did you? Or maybe you just didn't care. I think I'd like to believe the first. I don't think I could handle you not caring.
Why didn't you talk to us Jace? We would've done anything and everything to help you. But you never asked. Never reached out. Maybe you thought it would make us worse, maybe you didn't want to be a burden. I don't know what you thought, but nothing, nothing is worth giving your life away.
We need you Jace. We need you and you're gone.
...
..
.
We miss you.
~Alec
I started this a long time ago when I was in danger of losing a friend and well, it took on a life of it's own. I know the pairing is strange and probably not what you were expecting at all but I've taken an extremely large liking to it as of late (blame my rp partner). Each chapter will be a letter from one of the gang which means there will be five chapters (possibly more if I get a better idea).
Fair warning: everything will be complete and utter angst as I'm sure you've already seen.
I already have most of the chapters written so if you're interested drop a review and I'll upload them. Next chapter is Magnus. :)
;3
~TMTMFD