Zhang Liao is ever so gentle as he prepares for bed, slipping on his black and blue robes, being careful of the bandages on his torso. His wounds from his last battle had yet to heal fully, so the healers told him to move carefully. The injuries are of no bother to Liao though, being a warrior means one expects to be injured time and time again but no one can ever be prepare for the trauma after the battle. He never personally had issues stem from his experience in battle but he has heard of many suffering from their first time in the field. When he was a younger warrior, he justified his actions before the bloodshed and had not nearly as many issues, but his most recent battle was different. In other battles, he had control over the situations he ended up in. He ended up in the fray of battle because he charged for it, he was in the middle of bloody fields because he wanted to be there, and he watched other men fall before him because he was willing to risk his own life to protect his Lord's cause. He thought he was ready for anything but finding himself on the precipice of death managed to break through the shell he made to fight back the mental scars of battle and violence, leaving a deep bleeding gash in its wake. While the healers could fix his physical wounds and bring him back from the abyss of eternal cold sleep, the damage to his mind had only just begun and no herbs could cure it.
The physical scars left by the attack that nearly took his life are painful enough to deal with but the attack led by Ding Feng left Liao with something else as well. He originally thought they were just flashbacks to the moment, his mind trying to process what he could've done to avoid it but the more they occurred, the more a heavy feeling settled in his chest. It spread from there with each passing day and the flashbacks soon became nightmares that plagued him for many nights. At one point, he was unsure of the line between his reality and that of the nightmares he suffered through. He never thought he would end up in this state after going through so much so far and was unsure of how to cope with it. The feelings of dread, fear, and uncertainty were so foreign to him that feeling them at the sheer remembrance of the ambush only made the sensations worse. He withdrew into himself, refusing to talk to his comrades or leave the safety of his room, hoping the feelings and the nightmares would quietly pass as everything else did with him. When days became weeks however, he discovered that the scars of his mind would not heal as easily as the physical ones and he was not the only one who noticed.
A knock on his door distracts Liao from his thoughts, unsure of who would be visiting him this late in the evening. He quietly sighs and calls out for his visitor to enter the room as he crosses the room to one of the large windows near his bed, keeping his back to the door. He runs a hand along his chest over where his bandage lay beneath the thin layer of black and blue silk, finding himself thinking back to the day he first woke to them. He shakes his head and tries to focus on the view outside his window but the nightmares and feelings come back to his mind and he seems to lose focus on everything around him. He ponders how much longer he can endure these emotions that broil within him from the memories of the ambush. At this point, he ponders if surviving the ambush was truly the miracle everyone thought it was, including-
"Liao?" The man snaps out of his trance when he hears his name murmured in his ear, having not realized his guest had entered and is now holding him. Had he really lost so much touch with reality in that one moment of thought? He glances over his shoulder to find the bold brown eyes of Lu Bu followed by a chaste kiss on his cheek. He should have assumed it was Lu Bu seeing him this late in the evening.
"You've not been seen out of your room for most of the day and I'm starting to worry." The larger man murmurs.
"It's nothing, my love." Liao sighs, attempting to smile as he turns to the other. He notices the taller man did not have his hair up, instead letting the long dark strands fall past his broad shoulders. It is always a pleasant sight to see his beloved relaxed in his red and black robes that remind him much of his armor in battle; the man could look ferocious even in such simple attire. However, the warm smile that is normally reserved for only him is replaced with something Liao had more seen on the battlefield, a look of determination no different from a mother demanding answers from her unruly child. "I've just been encased in my own thoughts these past few days, that's all."
"Liao, don't lie to me." Lu Bu gently scolds, crossing his arms as he stares at his younger lover. Liao simply glances away as his smile drops. "I know you still think about that day, I'm no fool."
Liao sighs and shuffles over to his bed, sitting on the edge and instinctively holding his robes closed. He has never been comfortable having his injuries in view of others, especially Lu Bu in knowing how he feels about the ambush personally. He had to tell the man on several occasions that he shouldn't be bothered by it but the worry always persisted. Lu Bu joins him on the bed, carefully wrapping an arm around him and pulling him against his side. He does not need to look up at the other, already able to see the guilt-heavy brown pools that are looking down at him. He has told the other countless times not to worry so much about it but he simply couldn't leave it be.
"I've told you not to worry about it." Liao states. "It wasn't your fault."
"You say that as you have many times before, but it can't be helped, Liao." The phoenix sighs, his other hand absent-mindedly wandering to where the bandages are under Liao's robes. He recalls being perched at Liao's bedside for several days and nights, his fingers tracing the smoothly wrapped bandages as he went through the battle in his head countless times. He always hoped there was some way he could excuse himself from not going to protect Liao in his most crucial of moments in battle, trying to pardon his inability to save his beloved friend and lover but all he ever found were possible openings, moments he could've used to excuse himself onto the battlefield to find Liao and be beside him before that fateful attack. He remembers bolting to the field after hearing of Liao's lethal encounter with Ding Feng, the rage and sorrow that built up in him when he found Liao barely clinging to life, and the guilt that swooped upon him like a bird diving on its prey as he rushed him back to the main camp. He understands Liao has been trying to deal with the aftermath of the ambush and so had he in his own way, but Liao needs him now more than ever even though he may not admit it himself. He has always been so prideful like that.
"If anything, it was my own." Lu Bu glances at the other, surprised by the statement as his hand was pushed away, the other refusing to look at him. "I was unprepared and paid because of it. I should've been more aware, should've realized what was missing from the Wu's forces, and because of that I failed to repel the ambush that so easily caught me by surprise like a fool."
"Don't say that." Lu Bu growls as he falls to one knee before Liao to look him in the eye, finding him staring off somewhere beyond even the walls of the room. "It wasn't your fault, Liao." He gently brushes wild dark brown hair from the other's face as he cups his cheek. "No one can ever be prepared for a moment of surprise in the heat of battle, not even I would have expected such a move on behalf of Wu. There's no need to degrade your abilities for it."
Liao bitterly laughs as his eyes move to focus on Lu Bu, seeming somewhat cloudy as bitter water gathers on the surface of hazel orbs. "You only say that to make me feel better but I know not to judge you so meagerly, my love. You're one of the best Generals in this army. You could've easily taken down Ding Feng and his troops with nothing more than a few scratches in your armor. I'm not a General like you and I never will be. Perhaps that was how the fates wanted me to face my destiny."
"Don't speak like this, Liao." Lu Bu snaps, grabbing Liao's arms. "You're not weak and you certainly are not dim. You may have fallen to one of Wu's men but you weren't to die on that battlefield. Why else would the fates have allowed me to go after you and bring you back to be healed with no repercussions for leaving my post?" He gently guides Liao's face to look at him, finding small streams flowing from bright hazel eyes. "I never would've let you go like that, not even in my worst dreams would I let that happen to you. You mean too much for me to let you lose your life to those worms of Wu because the fates wished it to be that way." He gently kisses the other, a chaste but passionate kiss that lingers for a few moments before he pulls away. "And I won't let you suffer through this any longer like this; not alone at least."
Liao gives him a puzzled look as Lu Bu stands and watches as he walks around the bed and, without a bit of hesitation, lies down on one side and glances at Liao. He weakly smiles and crawls onto the bed and into the waiting arms of his lover. Lu Bu lets his arms protectively encase the smaller man, nuzzling into his loose brown locks.
"You're not afraid we'll be found out by the others?" Liao softly inquires.
"That doesn't matter." Lu Bu murmurs, his arms tightening around Liao. "What matters more to me right now is you, forget what the others will think or say. I almost lost you once already and I'm not going to let that happen again."
Liao nods and snuggles into Lu Bu's chest, falling asleep shortly after as Lu Bu draws shapes and lines on his back. The phoenix wishes he could go with him into his dreams to fight off what scares him most but he's only limited to being there as he sleeps and staying when he wakes, to assure him the figments in his dreams are not real and that he is safe. It might not be much but for Liao, it could be what helps banish these nightmares at last.