A/N – not sure where this idea came from but I hope you enjoy it. I was listening to R.E.M's "Losing my Religion" and Nickelback's "How You Remind Me". Enjoy!
JPOV
I stare at these four walls, their padded texture providing nothing but a blank slate for me to issue my meaningless confessions upon. They offer me no solace, no peace from my plaguing thoughts, my incessant memories of you and how you stole the most important part of me repeating like a broken record over and over again in my weak mind.
I hate that I allowed you to steal it, the one muscle that would allow me to move on, to find someone worthy of its treasured value, its priceless love and its endless devotion. I loved, honored and respected you and yet you take this from me. You leave me with nothing but this gaping hole in my chest, the thought of never being able to awake from this depressive slumber, this place of hollow dreams and constant torture.
It was true I asked to be here, to be locked away with my own thoughts and ailments but not once did I believe you would allow such injustice to take place. I thought at the very least my imprisonment would be the defining moment where you realized just what you had done and in normal fashion run to my aid like I had done for you countless time before but you haven't. The thought alone infuriates me, my hand ripping the cap from the marker and pressing so firmly against the pale cushions of the wall if not for its felt-like texture it would have broken in half from the pressure.
I write these words, these meaningless notions as a means to escape the pain that courses throughout my fragile body. The wolf no longer resides here, his strength loss to the madness that has consumed me whole. I loathe you, despise you for your ability to make me so weak and yet I love you still. I say love is madness, a virus that feeds on the weak and destroys the strongest of men. Unconditional love has brought me here, ushered me into a new dimension of hell and all because you couldn't see past your clouded vision of happiness and into the world known as reality.
You should be here just as much as I, your vision of grandeur just a sugar coated thought planted so firmly within you're mind you can't tell the difference between what is right in front of you and what is just beyond your grasp. You cling to him like a child to its mother, living and breathing his lies as if they were some epic testament from the bible and never disputing that maybe, just maybe he is nothing more than his promises, empty and cold.
They call me mad, delusional and irrational but it is you who possess such character flaw not me. I've sat here for three years dissecting the truth from fiction and although I remain here, proclaimed insane by many, I know the truth. I remain because I chose to live a life of solitude, unplagued by your wicked tongue and empty promises. I remain because there is no other option, no way around this disease, this infestation people speak so highly of.
You are never taught how to deal with heartbreak, to endure the ultimate torture of having your soul ripped from you chest and discarded as nothing more than a hopeless dream. No, you are taught to love unconditionally without boundaries and without thought, to give your heart and soul to the one who truly deserves it and for a time that was you. I wanted to believe it could conquer all, clear the fog from your eyes and expose you to its true power and yet you remain in darkness, welcoming the death that befalls you and happy to be looming under its spell.
Pain, heartache, betrayal, denial, forgiveness, sadness– these words I write over and over until my fingers can no longer grip the marker. I write these words in the hope that if they escape my mind they will dispel the hatred that looms over me like a dark cloud on a stormy day. I wish to be free of this rage, this deep seeded hostility I feel towards you and everyone around you.
I should accept your choice and move on but I can't. I can't stand by and watch you turn into a lifeless corpse who yearns to feed on human life and who revels in the taste of it dripping from their lips.
This life you give so freely is one I would cherish and yet you remind me of how it isn't enough. The priceless offering I make to you, its strong beat, endless devotion and love is not enough to silence the demonic notions of happiness he has cemented into your consciousness. Even now, knowing you are one of them, lifeless, soulless, extinguished of all that makes you utter perfection I have hope.
Hope... what a stupid notion and an even more ridiculous emotion if ever I felt one. Hope has kept me here, provided me this solitude and kept me within my own madness. It is the hope that you would miss me, long for me like I you that keeps me here, bound within my own sick delusions and angered by them all the same.
"Jake" she whispers through the only window to my room.
I ignore her summon, her voice bringing with it the reminder of where I reside, the madness that plagues me and the medication that allows me to exist without restraint. I despise the oval purple capsule, the one thing that keeps me calm and forces me to face the horrors of my reality.
I chose a life of patted rooms, sedating medicine and conversations with people who see the dead walking among us and yet I find peace here. I find peace amongst madness because it is the only place I feel sane.
Not of the patient sort, cheerleader Betty as we kindly of refer to her, enters my room with a metal tray. Gently she places it off to the side and tries once again to enter into a conversation I'm less than inclined to engage in. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling, what the weather is or if I wish to come out and join the group. I enjoy my serenity and seek the comfort of only one pair of ivory white hands.
The thought of you brings forth that fury once again. My hands clench, my muscles protrude and my mind goes blank. On its own accord I thrash, kicking and screaming your name as if by some divine intervention you will hear my agony and answer my plea. Each day this transpires and each day I'm reduced to swallowing that pill and becoming less and less of a man.
The battle between what's right and wrong, good or bad, want and need, desire and loath is tiresome. I know it's stupid to be here, commit myself to a place I don't belong but what you fail to see is what blinds us all. Love is madness. It forces us to do things we wouldn't normally do, aspire to things we can never become and want things we can never have. You've convinced me of this and now I dwell with the insane just too find sanity.
"If you quiet down I will let her in" the mousy woman whispers as she extends her hand down, takes the pill and plastic cup of water and offers it to me.
"You know the rules. No visitors." I growl back as I swipe the pill and swallow it without aid and turn to face the wall of emotions I deny myself to feel.
My hand trails slowly over them, my body filling with pain as it runs across those emotions I wish I could snuff, the ones that tie me to you forever. Love, devotion, soul mate, destiny – these are just words, just concoctions of my mind to somehow comfort my denial of the truth. I know you are his; his cold lifeless hands are the ones to console and love you. You are one of them, dead to the world and without that strong, everlasting heartbeat I love so much. I cannot love you like this and yet I do.
"She's the exception." She replies her voice lost to the emptiness of the room as the door closes behind her.
The exception….the exception – there was no exception to this rule, the only contingency I required for my tenure. I didn't want any visitors no matter who they claimed to be. This was my penance for not being able to save you from death…from him. I was better off here, to dwell in my misfortunes and come to terms with my new life alone.
"Jake?" you whisper, your voice like a fond childhood memory, its tone comforting and torturous all the same.
I wanted to believe it was you and yet I loathed the thought just the same. I had come to terms with your loss, accepted my fate and now, three years later, you come back to me, for what? Did you come to gloat? Witness the horrors you bestowed upon your so called best friend or maybe you came to take more as if I had anything left to offer you.
Many if not all saw your true nature. The word leech is the one that instantly comes to mind. We so causally called your lover this name and how fitting, an insect that steals life to sustain life.
You are not far from this creation except you claim hearts, no souls. You took mine from me without regard and when you were finished sucking the last ounce of humanity I had left you fled. I want nothing to do with you and so I forbid your presence, your pity and your stare.
"Leave" I hiss my mind clear on what I want while my heart beats so fast in defiance it feels as if at any second I will rescind my command and beg for mercy.
I hear your heels clicking against the cement floor, my nerves shattered with each step that draws you closer to me. One would think by now I would be able to face you, spill the many ailments you caused me over the years and yet I remain silent. The fear of what I might say, what you might think of me holds my tongue captive within my clenched teeth.
The warmth of your hand falls upon my shoulder and instantly I pull away, the fear of feeling your cold touch more than I can bear both mentally and physically at this moment. "Jake please..." you whisper, your voice although painful to hear breaks my strong resolve and forces me to turn and gaze upon you pale face.
As my eyes gain focus, your beauty once again astonishes me. Your cheeks are flush, your eyes are overshadowed in a light shade of red and your hand shakes seemingly uncontrollably as it rests in its most comfortable position around your waist. I doubt my own sight, my mind in denial that you are still in fact human and here with me now.
For a moment I want to reach over and pull you into my arms but then I remember it is only the illusion of you in front of me and not the real you. I turn away; the hallucinations brought on by these putrid pills are working against me once again. I know you couldn't be here.
"You're not real." I whisper as I move away and take my place in the corner of the room.
I stand there head first into the cushions, my mind trying to make sense of it all while my emotions, those feelings I thought lost to time and pain fill my body and wage ware with my mind. I want so much for you to be here, to claim me and return the joy to my life. You are the only one who can save me from my life, my choice of existence if only you would return my heart.
My body quakes at your touch, the heat of your sweaty palms trailing up and down my arm in a consoling fashion and egging me to turn and face you. I fight my will to turn to you for comfort, your momentary visit; my inclination to appease your seemingly aching heart would be enough to break me. I can't go through this again, appease you and sacrifice what little I have left.
Before I can command your distance, your hand slides up to my face, grips my chin and tugs towards you. My eyes remain on your quivering lips, your voice echoing in my ears as my eyes fail to meet yours in fear. "I'm so sorry Jake. I'm sorry for what I've done and what I've failed to do. I have no right to ask for forgiveness or even be offered kindness but I wanted to come here and apologize and hope….in time you can forgive me."
I have no words, no plausible response to your confession. I've longed for those words for so long and yet they offer me no solace. I concede to the fact that this is my minds handy work, a means to an end, a way for me to see past the grief so I can start over new. If I appease this hallucination maybe it will all be over, this grief that weighs heavily on my shoulders will be lifted and I can learn to live again.
I fight my own muscles to whisper the words, the three words that can release me from this pain and offer me peace. "I forgive you" I whisper, the words so low one would doubt they were even said but loud enough that you heard and sobbed in response.
My eyes veer up from your lips and stare into your bloodshot eyes. I can see happiness, contentment and peace cascade over you and that is when I felt it, betrayal. You came here to take the very last piece of me to ease you heartache. These thoughts anger me, force me to push you away and usher the words I dare not even think of before I have a moment to stop myself. "Get out!"
You remain beside me, shaken by my anger and for a moment in doubt of its truth. I repeat my command louder this time and before I can advance and show you the door you are gone. Tears fall from my eyes, the regret of what I've just done, cutting the whole deeper in my chest and cutting off the air I cling to for life. Within moments the darkness takes me and for a moment I'm at peace.
"Wakey wakey" John hollers as he pushes me several times in the arm.
My eyes fight the light as I rub the sleep that lingers there. As my hands descend I can feel something in my hands, its texture smooth and still warm from my grasp. As I unclench my hands I notice a heart shaped locket in my palms, a trinket, sentimental in value and thought lost in the shuffle.
I flick the locket open and notice a photo of you and I in our teens. The picture brings back such fond memories however the small inscription to the right is new. A heart once lost is now found. Two hearts one heartbeat.
"I see someone has a secret admirer" the male nurse mocks as I stare at the locket.
"How did this get here?" I inquire having no memory other than my illusions of you being here with me last night.
"What are you talking about Jake? You brought that with you when you arrived here."
It was in that moment it all became clear. I was driven to madness over my loss of you but not by him but by my own hand. The memories of you flooded my every thought at that moment and I recalled all that has brought me to this point. Love had driven me mad but grief had kept me here. The love of my life was stolen from me because I wasn't fast enough to save here. The hole in my chest will forever be vacant because my heart remained with you.
I fell back into bed, the tears falling like waterfalls down my face as I recalled all that had brought me here. My heart was stolen the day you died and my mind will forever be lost to madness because at least there I have you and at least there my heart is whole.