We Go Down Together

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 1: The Dreams

"I'm so happy you finally asked me out. I always thought I'd just take this crush to the grave." Alex laughed and tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear. She smiled, leaned in and kissed me. Her hands threaded through my hair as mine wound around her waist, clutching her hips as if my life depended on it. I pressed my lips to hers and hoped we could just do this forever.

I opened my eyes and found myself in my dark bedroom. I rolled on to my side and looked out the window, watching the moonlight sneaking through the curtains. That had been the fifth dream this week. I didn't know what my problem was, but not talking to my best friend of ten years about it was killing me.

I sighed. How would I even bring that up to her? I could just imagine saying, "Hey, so, I've been dreaming of kissing you. Weird, huh?" That would be followed by awkward laughter and then adding just kidding, or maybe changing the subject quickly. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my pillow. Who was I kidding? If I said that, things would just change between us. If I said that, there would be no "taking it back".

I cuddled the pillow tighter and wished it was Alex. I'd discontinued sleepovers with her after I'd started having these dreams three months ago. It was killing me, because I could tell she thought I was mad at her.

I rolled over, away from the window. I was greeted with a picture frame sitting on my nightstand; it had bright, multi-color, foam letters glued to it: "Best Friends Forever!" The photo inside was Alex and me, sitting in a boat on a lake. It had been taken several years ago; we were fourteen. We had been on vacation with her family. I reached out and grabbed it.

Why was I dreaming about kissing her? Did I like her? Did I like girls? I'd never dreamt of a girl in sexual ways, but suddenly, I'm dreaming about Alex like that? I didn't get it. I'd dated several guys. I'd never slept with any of them, but I liked kissing them…I thought. Even though it was just a dream, her kisses were warmer, her body felt good in my grip, against my own.

I traced my finger over her face. She had mud smeared across her forehead, her hair was sweaty, her flannel button up was crinkled and her jean shorts were ripped and a little damp. Her brown eyes were sparkling in the sun as she looked at the equally messy me. We'd been fishing all morning with her dad and I hadn't even realized he'd been taking pictures until she gave me a copy of all of them.

My finger glided over her hair, tracing the longest strand not in her falling ponytail down her cheek. We both looked so happy with our wide, toothy smiles and our eyes glued to each other. I set the frame back in its spot and stared at the ceiling.

"Wake up sleepyhead!" The bed shifted under me and I opened my eyes. Alex smiled down at me, her feet planted on either side of my body as she stood over me.

I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the clock next to the photo on my nightstand. "Shit."

"Good morning to you, too!" She plopped down next to me. "We need to leave."

I groaned. We had plans to take a day trip to the zoo; staying awake to ponder my feelings was instantly a small regret.

"None of that five minutes business. We've only got a month of summer left. We have to make the most of it. It's our last one."

I sighed. We had a month and a half left before our senior year started. I stretched, letting out another moan. "Can't we go to the zoo tomorrow? Let's stay in and watch scary movies."

She sat up and pointed her index finger at me. "I see what you're doing. You're trying to make me sleepy, lure me in with scary movies. I need you to stop being so suggestive." She hopped off the bed and winked. "Now come on, let's go to the zoo today. Tomorrow we can rent scary movies and stay in bed…or, uh, the couch." She looked away.

I opened my mouth, but didn't know what to say. Ever since I'd started having my dreams, I'd been weird about sharing a bed with her. I threw the covers back, got up and tackled her. We fell back on to the bed, side by side, my arms wrapped around hers. My heart sped up at the full body contact.

I kissed the back of her head and spoke into her hair. "None of this couch nonsense. We'll stay in bed all day tomorrow. It's way more comfortable." Surely, I could handle being in a bed with her during the day. At night, things were just different. The vibe between us was…weird. Our knees would touch and suddenly I would want to roll on top of her and kiss her neck, and couldn't. Her breath would tickle my neck, and I'd want to roll over, face her, tell her she was beautiful and give her a kiss, and would have to refrain. Surely, that would go away in the daytime.

I stared at the back of her head, her soft black hair. Maybe it was just the nighttime. It made me feel free, like I was allowed to explore, there in the dark, without any watchful eyes. It made me feel alone, as if everything I was thinking was actually okay and normal and I wasn't a completely crazy person for thinking those taboo things.

"Uhh, Mitch?" She laughed nervously. "Are we just gonna lie here, halfway on the bed, cuddling?"

My face warmed and I loosened my grip on her and sat up. "Sorry. I got lost in my head."

She pushed herself off the bed and giggled. "I thought you might have fallen asleep." She pulled me up and pushed me towards my closet. "Come on, change and get ready so we can go to the zoo." She held the 'o' on the end of zoo, stretching the word.

#

We walked along the paved path, looking at the creatures in each exhibit. Our arms brushed against one another every now and then; every time, I refrained from grabbing her hand and holding it.

We'd been there for hours and we'd already looked at everything once. I didn't know why she wanted to make a second round. She linked our arms and leaned her head on my shoulder. She yawned and looked at me. "Hey, I'm exhausted. Are you ready to leave?"

I nodded and yawned. "Yes. I've been tired since before we decided to look at everything the second time."

"Well, you could have said something."

"But your argument was very convincing. Some of the animals had been taking naps while we'd gone by and I wanted to see if they'd waken up, too." Her argument hadn't been that solid, but I didn't feel like telling her I'd agreed to the second walk through because I liked when our arms bumped together.

She lifted her head, leaving my shoulder and tank top strap a little damper than it had been before. "Sorry," she said, wiping her hand across my exposed skin. "Sweaty."

I shook my head. "It's cool. I'm sweating, too, so I didn't really notice."

As we headed to the car, she said, "So, do you want to get ice cream and then dinner?"

I laughed and unlocked the doors. "Ice cream first? Really?"

"Yeah, to cool down."

We got into the car and buckled up. "Please, Mitch?"

I rolled my eyes. "No need to convince me, I'm in."

She laughed and squeezed my hand resting on my lap. "Good."

I wished she would leave her hand, but she didn't. Slowly, she brought it back to her own lap, but the warmth that had spread through the back of my hand lingered. I bit my lip as I focused on pulling into traffic.

After I was on the road, I glanced at her. "Where should we get ice cream at?"

She brought her attention from the window to me. "Bonzo's. I like how small that place is."

I shuddered. "But there's a clown on the sign."

"Suck it up! They've got the best ice cream. And it's only a dollar per cone."

#

When we left the pasta place we'd decided on for dinner, she linked our arms again and rested her head on my shoulder. "What do you want to do now?" She yawned and glanced at her cell phone.

I reluctantly untangled our arms to unlock her door before going to the driver's side. "What time is it?" I asked as I turned out of the parking lot.

"Bed time." She looked out the window and I heard her sigh. "I guess you should take me home."

I frowned, but kept my eyes on the road. "Yeah, I guess."

We drove in silence, the radio filling the void. I pulled up in front of her house and she unbuckled and reached for the handle, but then paused. She looked at me and then at the floor. "Can I ask you something?"

I put the car into park and turned it off; I shifted in my seat to face her. "What's up?"

She bit her lip and I watched her throat contract as she swallowed. "Um….Why don't we have sleepovers anymore?" Her voice was shaky; I wondered if she was afraid of the answer.

I kept my eyes focused on her sneakers. The canvas was pulling away from the rubber side. I swallowed and blinked a few times. There was also a hole in the side of the canvas where I could see her bright pink sock. She was asking me point blank; I couldn't lie. But I couldn't tell her the truth either.

"Mitch?" Her voice was quiet, but I could still hear the nerves. "Are we okay? Did I do something?"

I brought my eyes to hers. "No! You haven't done anything. You—you're perfect. I'm just going through some stuff…I don't really know. We're great though. It's just better this way right now."

She chewed on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed, her eyes looked watery. I wanted to grab her face and tell her how I felt, tell we were okay, tell her don't worry; I looked away.

I grabbed her hand and gave it a small squeeze. "Best friends forever. I promise."

She gripped my hands tightly. "Mitch, whatever you're going through, whatever it is, I am here for you…You can talk to me about anything. I promise. I'm going to love you no matter what. You're my best friend." She threaded our fingers together. "Just please, don't …don't freeze me out. I'm here when you're ready."

I pulled her to me over the console. I hugged her as best as I could manage. "If I'm ever ready to talk, you're going to be the first, and probably the only, person I talk to about it. Don't worry, Alex. You're my best friend, too." I couldn't manage to add that I loved her, because I wasn't sure I could stand knowing we meant two different kinds of love anymore.

She held onto my shoulders, refusing to loosen herself. "Please stay with me tonight. Please."

I kissed her forehead and sighed. "Lex, I really…shouldn't. I really want to, but I shouldn't. I'm sorry. I'll see you first thing in the morning, how's that? I'll be the one to wake you up. Sound good?"

She nodded and tightened the hug again.

I held her until she let go and looked at me, still pleading. "Sweet dreams."

She sighed, reaching for the handle. "Good night, Mitchie. See you tomorrow."

She shut the door and I watched as she walked away. "Can't wait." I rested my head against the wheel; I felt like a dick.