ONE LEGENDARY NIGHT
Author's Notes:
This pretty much the most chill FanFiction story I've written. Much like my other "partying" FanFics, this story is a parody-like tale of how some Legendary Pokémon enjoyed their one free night out, away from their duties/responsibilities bound to the world. Similar to my other story, there will be scenes of alcoholic drinking (and of course... getting wasted), language, 'dank' jokes, and crude sexual themes (mostly manifested in jokes). Hence, reader discretion is advised.
Another note to take would be that all Legendary Pokémon featured in this story are unrelated by blood. There will only be a few romantic relationships, as so you will get to witness how each relationship goes throughout the story.
Also, not all Legendary Pokémon will be featured (Kanto - Kalos regions only). Though they may make cameo appearances or be mentioned, only selected Legendary Pokémon will stand out as the main characters. Lastly, this is merely a parody – it's for fun, not meant to offend anyone or cause a breakout of overwhelming emotion.
Oh! As this is but a working progress, suggestions for how this story could turn out are also highly appreciated.
DISCLAIMER: Pokémon © Satoshi Tajiri, Game Freak Inc. All other featured brands belong to their rightful owners.
THAT ROLL CALL THOUGH
Prologue
"Dude, could you pass me my soda?"
A large white wing slapped the black Coke Zero can towards the unsuspecting black Unova Legendary Pokémon hitting him by the head. "HEY! What the fu-!" The Coke Zero had already made impact before he even could finish. "OH SHIT! That hurt you prick!" Zekrom yelled at his white shaded rival whilst holding his head firmly with both hands. Reshiram merely chuckled mischievously under her sneer.
The black Legendary of Unova sent her an icy glare. "I'll kill you for that you icy bi-!"
"Quite acting like children!" cut off the small Gratitude Pokémon, Shaymin, who was seated at the far end of the table. "You both ought to be ashamed."
Several Legendary Pokémon from different regions across the world were called to attend a conference in the Hall of Origin by none other than Arceus. He wanted to discuss with them an important matter that he has observed from the human species.
The grand doors of the conference hall opened to reveal the headmaster of the meeting. Arceus had with him his black Starbucks planner, a venti-sized Café Latte from the respective coffee shop, and fashioned a golden ascot from Gucci.
"Finally!" complained Giratina. "You're late."
"Fashionably late."
Making sure he's comfortable enough to initiate the meeting, the great Legendary Pokémon nuzzled his butt against the soft cushion of the seat. "All right, before we all begin... Let us do roll-call." He then wore his black-rimmed glasses as he brought in front his a black Starbucks planner with the list of names. "Aherm... okay."
"Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres?"
The three legendary birds were all seated beside one another by Arceus' left side. Articuno, wearing her pair of Chanel butterfly sunglasses, was on her phone. She reasoned that she had to wear shades indoors simply because she was "too cool". Zapdos and Moltres were arguing which was better – Pokémon Yellow or Red. Arceus simply shook his head silently and moved on.
"Mew, Mewtwo?"
The little rosy pink Legendary Pokémon raised her hand cheerfully. Conversely, her purple clone was not even half as enthusiastic as she was. Mewtwo nonchalantly stated "here" once his name was called. Arceus looked at the two psychic felines.
"It's great to have you get Mewtwo to come," he said to Mew.
The little pink psychic Pokémon giggled as she lightly blushed. "It took me only about eight thousand tries to convince him!" The purple clone rolled his eyes as he took out a book and headphones to block everything away.
"Suicune, Entei, Raikou?"
"Here," Suicune said in a casual tone.
"HERE!" boomed Entei's god-like proud statement of presence.
Suicune and Raikou gave the Legendary Volcano Pokémon a look of puzzlement and peculiarity.
"What is wrong with you?" Suicune asked.
Entei placed an arm over the Legendary North Wind. "I'm just really glad to be in this meeting with you, aren't you glad to?" Some snickers could be heard from the room. Suicune pushed him off. "What the-! Don't let me douse your flames," she glared.
Raikou sulkily placed a paw under his jaw, "In case you missed me Arceus, I'm here too."
"Moving on... Ho-Oh, Lugia?"
"Present," chorused both the Pokémon.
"Jinx!"
"Double jinx!"
"Triple jinx!"
"Never"
"Gonna"
"Give"
"You"
"The fucking satisfaction."
The two then started a small battle when Lugia sent an Aeroblast against Ho-Oh's Sacred Fire attack. The blazing flames and harsh winds were sent all over the room. Though most ducked for cover, the others used Protect. Mewtwo merely sat on his chair with his headphones reading his book, unaware of the havoc happening around him.
"Sit down!" yelled Arceus. The two Legendaries paused a look at Arceus (who had his golden hooves folded over his chest) before retreating to their seats.
"He started it!" they chorused once more.
"Oh God! I mean... Oh, ME," Arceus whined as he gently tapped a hoof on his temple.
"Regice, Regirock, Registeel, Regigigas?"
The four beeped simultaneously sounding much like a dubstep remix. Deoxys floated over the four Legendary Golems and with his four flailing tube-like arms, used his mad DJ skills to amuse the room. Most of the Legendaries were entertained and danced to the beat. Arceus narrowed his eyes, clearly pissed off.
"Latios, Latias?!" he called over the noise.
The noble and charming blue Legendary Eon Pokémon nodded his head. "Here." Several females across the room such as Cresselia, Shaymin, Suicune, Meloetta, Diancie, and Mesprit exhaled their stolen breaths as they looked dreamily at the heartthrob.
Some males merely rolled their eyes. "Miss me with that gay shit," muttered Zekrom.
Latias, who was seated beside her long-time crush, raised a shy hand. "...Here," she said timidly.
"WHAT? I COULDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU," Arceus shouted to her over the dubstep noise DJ Deoxys was making.
Latias mouthed and waved, "I'm here."
"YOU'RE QUEER?!"
Latias sharply shook her head. "NO! I'M HERE!" she screamed, the entire room halting and looked over to her, making her entire body tremble in embarrassment. A warm hand was placed on her shoulder. Glancing up, her golden eyes met the crimson ones of Latios. Her surroundings seemed to fade away and everything around her slowed down, as bubbles of rose-gold and lavender hues floated about...
"Rayquaza, Deoxys!" continued Arceus, cutting short Latias of her daydream.
The emerald dragon roared mightily. Deoxys, having seated beside him, covered his dear ears.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" he screamed back at Rayquaza.
Folding his arms, Rayquaza glared down at the alien-like Pokémon. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was I too loud for you?" he retorted sarcastically.
"No, though your mom was last night."
Several gasps, hollers, and other reactions were heard across the room. "Savage," remarked Celebi. "You want a burn heal with that?" giggled Jirachi. Rayquaza was on the verge of binding the extraterrestrial, have Arceus not continue on with his roll call.
"Jirachi, Celebi, Manaphy, Shaymin?"
The four little adorable Legendary Pokémon each raised a hand when they were called. "Hah, you guys must be squad goals," laughed Groudon.
"Welcome back, Backstreet Boys!"
The four glared at the Legendary Continent Pokémon. "I am a girl, thank you very much!" bellowed a very British and infuriated Shaymin.
"Alright then, Black Eyed Peas," teased Rayquaza.
"You wanna go bro?!" Celebi flew from his seat. "Come at me!"
"What in my name are you all arguing about?" Arceus hollered in a loud clear voice. "You all should quit trying to piss me of or I swear to me that I will send you all to hell!" Everyone, even those who weren't listening yet overheard, shifted their looks to Giratina.
"What?" coolly asked the Legendary Guardian of the Reverse World. He then realized why they all looked at him strangely. "Fuck off, the Reverse World isn't hell."
"Well Arceus should have made it then," Palkia muttered.
Now with two hooves rubbing his temples, Arceus continued. Am I even half way through this?
"Kyogre, Groudon?"
The fiery red Continent Pokémon just mumbled a "meh". His claw was under his jaw featuring an extremely bored expression. "How long is this gonna take?!" His rival who was seated in a large tub beside him, the Legendary Sea-Basin Pokémon let out a yawn. "Yo, fatty!" called out Groudon. "Your yawn sounds like a fucking whale-mating orgasm or something." Kyogre, too tired and pissed to counter-argue, merely flipped Groudon off.
"ALL RIGHT! LAST… SIXTEEN?!" yelled out Arceus.
"Meloetta...? What the-!" Arceus cut himself off. "Here!" came Meloetta's high-pitched Valley girl accent. "Why the hell are you even here? Get the fuck out." Meloetta stood from her seat. "What?! Why are you, like, sending me out?" Arceus rolled his eyes. "I don't even know if you're a legit Legendary Pokémon! You're like... Shaymin!" Shaymin overheard from across the room. "What the fuck, Arceus!" The white Legendary hipster merely gave her a scowl. "Argh, fine FINE!"
"Azelf, Mesprit, and Uxie?"
Arceus took a sip from his Iced Café Latte as the three little psychics raised their paws. "I'll need about ten of this," he reminded himself.
"All right. Heatran, Diancie, Victini?"
"I, Diancie, first of my name, princess of diamonds, fairest of my kind…" Diancie continued on and on.
"Shut… UP!" yelled Heatran. The room went silent. "Uh… yeah… I'm here, Arceus," awkwardly muttered Heatran. "Victini's here too."
Using his tiny paws to make a victory-sign, Victini slowly and nervously tried to break the awkward silence. "Uh, yay…?"
"Okaaay…" Arceus said as he screened the eyes across the room. Clearing his throat, he continued.
"Darkrai and Cresselia?"
"Oooohhh…" came several teasing and snickers across the room. Oblivious as ever, the cheery and light-hearted Cresselia smiled as she notioned Arceus of her attendance. The Lunar Pokémon then looked to face her counterpart seated beside her, unaware of the tension and nervousness he felt. Darkrai, having managed to shake off the edginess he felt, coughed out and boldly called out to Arceus.
"You shouldn't be so loud, Darkrai," Cresselia smiled as she patted his ghostly hand, causing the Pitch-Black Pokémon to sharply shift his position.
"I didn't…yell. D-Did I?"
The little mythical Pokémon, particularly Celebi, Jirachi, and Manaphy, all had their tiny paws covering their snickers. Darkrai gave the three a low growl.
"What are you three laughing at?"
The three little giggling pipsqueaks pointed towards Deoxys who had his brows raised and was doing the inappropriate "inserting" gesture.
Heedless of the chuckling and dirty jokes, Arceus continued.
"Up next... Lunderus, Thunderus and Tornadus?"
Rayquaza gave out a chuckle. "Why the hell would you even think those three would ever show up?" Arceus raised a brow.
"This is a roll-call for attendance, you fucktard."
Deoxys folded his arms. "Ouch, being called a fucktard by God should really burn," he side-commented with a smirk.
"Shut up Dorksys!"
"You know Arceus, you shouldn't expect the Swords of Justice to show up either," Mew pointed out, also subliminally attempting to prevent any further arguing. "Yeah, I know… But what the heck, this is a roll-call! For Go-! MY sake."
"Aherm. Moving on… Reshiram, Zekrom, Kyurem?"
"Kyurem couldn't make it, Sir," Reshiram informed Arceus. "He's having his mental day off."
Arceus raised a brow. "I didn't know he had some depression or anxiety problems."
"Uh, no. More like mental retardation," snickered Zekrom. Some could not help but chuckle at Zekrom's petty 'dank' humour.
"Almost there…" stressed Arceus, his coffee cup empty and his sweat trickling down. "Xerneas, Yveltal, Zygarde?" XYZ? Damn, Nintendo might be running out ideas.
The beautiful Xerneas waved a hoof. "Here. You all should have already felt alive as you all were glorified by my presence."
Yveltal raised a brow. "You fucking high or something?"
Zygarde merely slumped on his seat. "You all COULD tell in my expressive face how excited I am for this meeting, right?"
"And FINALLY! Diagla, Palkia, and Giratina?"
"YEAH! Save the best for last!" Diagla yelled out.
Mewtwo gave a scoff. "Bias as fuck," he said under his breath. Mew, hearing her clone's mock, turned her head to agree, "As always."
The two shared sly smiles. "Hey! What the fuck you two smiling at?" Palkia growled as he stood from his seat.
"You two wanna go?!" added Diagla, as he also stood.
Mew and Mewtwo merely looked at one another with puzzled expressions.
"Sit, the fuck, down you two!" roared Arceus.
"Yeah, do what he says. You guys are his side hoes anyways," side-commented Giratina.
Arceus lowered his glasses with a hoof. "Oh! You're here too."