Author's Notes: So, this is just to hold you over until I update What Can I Say. So many people have messaged me about that story and I just wanna say I'm so sorry! I've had the file on my computer for months but I have no idea how to finish the chapter so this hopefully makes up for it! Song is Holding a Heart by Girl Named Toby.
Summary: "Brooke…" he says her name softly, not sure how to formulate his words. "…those letters are special to me."
Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or its characters...though if I did, we all know Peyton would've died way back in season 1.
Holding a Heart
Breathe in,
hold it, hold it,
go on begin, to let go
cause there's no reason
Brooke Davis takes a deep breath as she walks up to the house she's been to a million times. She's tempted to just go through his room door, but she doesn't want to be reminded of her past mistake, and that he's not hers anymore. He belongs to Peyton now.
Even after all these months, she still finds it weird not to just walk up to him and say "Hey Boyfriend." or not to kiss him in between classes when they part, or that he doesn't walk her to her first period class anymore, or that she doesn't bring him coffee anymore, or that she's having sex with someone else when she once swore to herself when they were together that she'd never let another guy touch her.
She finds all of it weird.
That she calls him Peyton's boyfriend now. Or that she had to redecorate her locker and in the beginning of the year, she intended to keep it like that forever. She even contemplated asking the school if she could personally cut that particular locker out from the rest of them and take it home. She also finds it weird that they pass each other in the hall like strangers on the street, even though they promised to be friends.
She finds all of this weird.
But she can't do anything about it.
She has to pretend she's actually over him and that she's in love with Chase.
I'm turning myself
into somebody else
calm down, calm down, calm down
She has to.
She stands there, waiting a few moments before slowly bringing her shaking hand up to the door and knocks softly. A few seconds later, the door swung open to reveal a very tired looking Karen with baby Lily wailing in her arms.
"Oh Karen!" she exclaimed. "I didn't mean to disturb you, I'm so sorry."
"Brooke don't be silly, come in." she ushered, holding the door open wider for Brooke to walk through. "If I had known you were coming I would've at least put on some better clothes."
Brooke examined Karen's appearance. She started with her hair, which was tied in a sloppy bun with loose strands sticking out all around. Her eyes were baggy and had slight dark circles under them. Her shirt had food stains on it and dried up milk. She was clad in sweats that looked way too big on her and was wearing fluffy white slippers.
Still, Brooke thought this look was beautiful. It was the look of a mom. The look Haley would probably be sporting pretty soon too. The look she never saw on her mother, but hoped to look just like this one day. Baggy sweats, bottle in one hand, baby in the other.
"Karen, I'd give anything to look like that."
She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but she sees the look of worry and question Karen gives her and knows it's already too late. She waves away the older woman's worries. "How are you?"
Karen laughs softly and lowers her body on a chair at the kitchen table, urging Brooke to do the same. "As good as can be expected…I feel like I've been thrown back 18 years." The two brunettes share a laugh before Karen asks "But how are you?" She balances Lily on her lap as the little baby fiddles with one of Karen's fingers as if it's some unknown species.
"Great actually." she tries to sound enthusiastic, but her eyes probably give it all away. "I'm going to L.A. with Peyton tomorrow and…that'll be great."
Then Karen does something unexpected. She reaches across the table and grabs one of Brooke's hands softly, giving her a look of not sympathy, but understanding. "You know you can come to me with anything Brooke, right? Even in the short amount of time I've known you, I already feel like you're a part of my family." she gives a soft smile. "I'm always willing to listen…"
Brooke returns the smile, tears glistening in her eyes. "I know Karen, thank you."
"So, you gonna tell me why you're really here?"
"I actually…um…came here for Lucas." she says hesitantly, afraid to meet her eyes.
"Why?"
"He just has some stuff of mine–"
"From when you were dating?" Karen squints at her and she swears this whole family just really needs glasses. If Lily comes out doing that broody thing too, she might just jump off a cliff.
"Yeah, from when we were dating but it's just a little bit of stuff, no biggie." she says quickly.
"Ok…" Karen eyes Brooke suspiciously but decides to drop it. "He's in his room."
She nods in thanks and retreats off to his bedroom, knowing the way like the back of her hand. She stops at his closed door and takes several deep breaths before knocking. She hears movement and hopes Peyton isn't here. God that would be awkward if she actually knew what she was here for.
The door swings open a couple seconds later and there he is, standing right in front of her, his sent hitting her like a ton of bricks…almost makes her want to just jump up and kiss him. But she can't. He's Peyton's now and even thinking of that still makes her want to cringe. And she does slightly, hoping that he doesn't notice.
"Brooke," he says in a surprised and somewhat happy tone.
"Hey Luke." she responds, giving him a slight smile which he returns. "You gonna let me in?"
"Oh…yeah sorry." he mumbles and scratches his neck in embarrassment. She literally has to clench her fists at her sides to stop herself from bringing his face down to hers. She walks into his room and hears him shut the door behind her. Suddenly she's very nervous. She hasn't been in a room alone with him in what feels like forever.
She takes in all the changes. A lot of new things have been added and a lot of things have been taken away. Their pictures. All of them are gone, replaced with pictures of him and Peyton. All of the girly things she left in his room – her CD's, her nail polish, her clothes – it's all gone. She knows this is the way it's supposed to be, but she can't help but feel a pang in her heart. She can be replaced so easily.
Seeing all these things makes what she has to say a little easier. He doesn't love her anymore, so why would he have a problem with this.
She feels him turn around behind her and she does the same. He raises an eyebrow in her direction – an action she always found incredibly sexy – and looks at her expectantly. She takes this as her cue to talk. "How you been?" she asks, avoiding what she really came here for.
"Pretty good actually, what about you, you all packed?"
"Yeah, I think I have enough clothes to last me a lifetime." the two share a laugh. "Peyton packed yet?" he notices her tense up a bit.
"Shouldn't you know, you're stealing her away for the summer." he grumbles, clearly not happy about his girlfriend leaving. Seeing how hurt he is makes this easier on Brooke.
"You are her boyfriend Lucas." saying it out loud hurts more than she thought it would and Lucas notices her tense up again.
"Yeah…" he says it almost regretfully. Brooke knows she's probably reading too much into things. He loves Peyton. He's always loved Peyton…
He takes notice of her abnormal silence and watches her fiddle nervously with her fingers. He narrows his eyes at her. "What is it?"
"I, um…I came to ask you something," she says vaguely.
"Shoot."
"Well I, uh…" she lets out an embarrassed laugh, wondering why she's stuttering like an idiot and he smiles slightly at her shyness. "It's just…I mean…my letters Luke. I want them back."
It's as if all the emotion drains from his face and he just stands there, looking at her.
"I mean don't you think it'd be kind of weird? You're with Peyton now and I'm with Chase so…" she trails off, hoping he'll get the point but he just stands there with this hurt, pained expression on his face.
She's confused as to why he's looking at her like she just told him she ran over his puppy. "Luke?" she questions, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Could you give them to me? I wanted to get them before I forget and put them where they belong…the trash." she laughs softly at the end, attempting to make this visit light for the sake of lessening the awkward tension in the room.
He lets out a deep sigh before walking over to his closet. This is what it's come to. She thinks he's so out of love with her that he'd just treat their whole relationship like a joke…maybe he already did.
He stops once his hand is on the handle, turning to her looking like a doctor about to deliver bad news to the patient's family. He stares at her face, trying to get something from her eyes. Anything. But all he can see staring back at him is confusion, nothing past confusion since her walls are built so well. He lets his gaze drop to the floor before coming to the conclusion that she's too closed off from him. He can't read her anymore.
I'm holding a heart here in my hand
"I can't give you those letters Brooke." he whispers painfully before bringing his gaze back up to hers.
Genuinely confused, she looks at him skeptically. "What?"
"Brooke…" he says her name softly, not sure how to formulate his words. "…those letters are special to me."
"What in the hell are you talking about Lucas?" she lets out angrily. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Since when was anything about her special to him?
"I'm not gonna give you those letters to throw away," he chokes out, his hard gaze letting her know that he was serious. "They are something sacred we both shared together and whether you believe it or not, they mean something to me."
"What the hell Lucas!" she exclaims, confused as to why he was lying to her about actually caring. "Just give me my fucking letters so I can leave!"
"Brooke, I'm not gonna give you the letters…"
She storms past him and swings open his closet door. She rummages through everything on the top shelf, knocking down boxes but not really caring at the moment. She searches the floor of the closet then goes to look under the bed, only to find all the pictures of them that used to be on his nightstand and dresser. She shakes off the feeling that he might actually still care before going to his dresser, yanking open the drawers and pulling out all his clothes.
"You're not gonna find them…" he mutters behind her, watching her small figure go crazy with ambition around his room.
"Like hell I won't!" she yells as she angrily pushes a drawer in, causing the whole dresser to rock back in forth on unsteady feet. She raves around his room like a mad woman pushing things off his desk, chucking things every which way, making Lucas duck for cover every once in a while.
"Brooke," he tries, but nothing gets through to her as she continues destroying his room.
"Brooke!" he shouts. He goes up to her and, from behind, grabs onto her arms to not make her go any further. He brings her small frame against his chest, bends her arms so that both elbows are at her sides and her hands are brought up against her face and he wraps his strong arms around her small form. She resists and tries to get out of his grip, but this only makes him tighten his hold on her.
"Brooke just stop for a second!"
My own work of art here where I stand
She instantly stops resisting and he feels her mentally relax in his arms. It's hard to process at first but she soon realizes how close they are. Her back is pressed against his chest, with no way to escape with his death grip, his warm breath is hitting the skin of her neck and ear and she gets tingles all over. She struggles against him again, knowing that feeling this way is wrong.
He brings his head down to rest in between her neck. "Brooke, please…" he whispers, making her heart race.
She whimpers slightly. "What do you want from me Lucas?"
"I want you to stop acting like our whole relationship didn't happen or that it meant nothing,"
"I already know it means nothing to you," she retorts angrily. "I don't know why you're trying so hard to hold on to something that obviously means nothing to you."
give in, it's so hard to start
live in my skin
"It does mean something to me Brooke." he presses on. "Those letters were a turning point in our relationship. You poured your heart out in those letters. You were so…honest."
"Brooke, I love those letters. The girl in them is so honest…"
"I don't know why it's so easy for me to get naked one way and not the other,"
"I know why," he turns towards her, hating to have to bring up past mistakes. "I hurt you pretty bad the last time." she nods in agreement and looks up to see determination on his face. "I'm not gonna do it again."
At that moment, she was so in love with him that he could ask her to do anything and she'd do it…like shoot the president. She'd gladly do it if it meant he'd be hers forever. The looks he gave her, the way he cups her cheek as he leans in to kiss her - yup…shooting the president would definitely be worth it.
He loosens his grip on her, now overtaken by memories of their relationship and the significance of the letters. Instead of taking this as a chance to escape, Brooke turns in his arms around to face him and almost jumps out of her skin at how close they are.
She cocks her head to the side. "You still read them?" she questioned lightly.
He looks down at her face and for the first time since she walked in here, can read her. He looks into her eyes and sees all the hurt and betrayal behind them and knows he can never lie to her.
the bruises are useless against it
He answers truthfully. "Sometimes."
Her face contorts into one of anger and he's starting to think this whole honesty thing is a joke. She suddenly – using all her strength – pushes him away.
"That's not fair!" she snapped. "I can't let you keep those letters knowing that late at night, you're up reading my feelings, my private feelings. That's not fair to me."
She continues to scold him about how he's an inconsiderate bastard for basically reading her diary but he's suddenly not listening anymore.
She said her feelings. Not old feelings but just feelings. He can't help but wonder if she still has them.
"Do you still have those feelings?" he asks, stopping her mid-rant.
"What?"
He walks towards her, not once breaking their gaze and she promptly backs up until she's against the wall and he's right in front of her, blocking the door. "Earlier, you said it's not fair of me to read your feelings, your private feelings. So I'm asking you this Brooke, and please be honest with me…do you still have those feelings?"
He reaches out to touch her cheek but she moves away from his touch and he can't bear to see the look of hurt plastered across her face.
"Brooke," he whispers.
"Why are you doing this?" she releases, brokenly. "Why couldn't you just give me the letters?"
I'll try all I can
to find a soft place to land
come down, come down, come down
He brings his hands up to rest on each side of her on the wall, trapping her for good. His striking blue orbs lock on her green ones; neither being able to look away. He fingers the hair draping over her back, mindlessly, as both of their breathing picks up speed.
Brooke has just now realized how close they are…his face centimeters away from hers, their breaths mingling into one. "Why can't you just give me the letters?" she repeated. "You gave me a reason but it-it doesn't make any sense." she presented him with a bewildered expression and he braced himself for the mention of the curly blonde that was about to come up. "You. Love. Peyton."
I'm holding a heart here in my hand
He needs an answer and he only knows of one way to get it if she won't talk to him. Without warning, he suddenly closes the little distance that separated them. He kissed her. It didn't take Brooke long to respond to the familiarity of his lips. The kiss was slow but fervent. As if both wanted to take their time, exploring the other's mouth that they had been so long without, but also needing more of the other as the kiss went on. He leaned his body into hers; pulling her slightly off the wall so she could be as close to him as possible. She moaned into the kiss as it picked up speed, arms circulating around his neck, bringing him closer if possible.
His senses demanded more of her. He needed to feel more. He brings his hands down to the fabric of her shirt and slowly make them descend down her front. They stopped at the tip of her jeans and he brought her closer once more, gradually pushing the shirt up.
His warm hands on her heated skin made her jump with surprise but also brought her back to her senses. She broke away from the kiss but Lucas – still in a daze – just leaned down to capture her neck in warm, wet kisses.
She lost her thoughts for a second as her eyes rolled back into her head and she let out another moan, but she quickly found them again and pushed him away from her body, feeling dejected at the loss of his warmth. He pulled back, looking puzzled at her decision to pull away.
My own work of art here where I stand
She leans against the wall, looking like a young child as she contemplated what to say. Both just stood there pondering over their thoughts when Karen's voice broke through the room.
"Lucas! Peyton's here."
Way to ruin the moment. Lucas could practically feel Brooke slipping away as her face was replaced with a crestfallen expression and he could literally see her walls being built back up. She ducked under his arm and began to walk to his room door.
He sighed out. "Brooke," he tried, but she was already halfway out the door.
Brooke walked down the steps, tears streaming down her face as she tried her hardest not to break down until she got home.
Stand up straight
She looked back towards his door, wondering exactly what was going on in there right now. With a shake of her head, she walks to the end of the block, spotting her light blue beagle. She parked around the corner so no one could see her and suspect anything but she now regrets it seeing as she is wearing heels. She walks away from the house she once considered a second home and the boy that still holds her heart, no matter how much she tries to convince herself otherwise.
Stand up straight
She ignores him the next day as he picks her and Peyton up to drive them to the airport. Peyton furrows her eyebrows at her but Brooke just brushes it off.
To say the car ride was awkward would be an understatement. Brooke sat in the back while Peyton sat in the front, singing along to some emo song playing on the radio. She slumped in the backseat, not in the mood for conversation, feeling Lucas' eyes on her through the mirror every few seconds.
They finally got to the airport after an hour long drive with Peyton making most of the conversation and she got out, got her suitcases, ignoring Lucas' plea to help with her luggage and walked towards the revolving doors.
"I don't know what's wrong with her…" she could hear Peyton say. And she would never know because Brooke would never tell her. She had to squash this for the sake of their friendship. That's why as soon as they get on that plane, she'd put on her façade of the cheery, supportive best friend on the Lucas and Peyton For The Win train.
She sits in the waiting area and soon sees the two blondes come through the doors she walked through.
"Hey Brooke, you okay?" asks Peyton, walking up to her, worry evident on her face.
She decides to put on the façade now. "Yeah, I'm just a little…nervous about getting on a plane."
At this, Peyton laughs and Brooke smiles, getting the desired effect, hating to have to see her best friend hurt. "You'll have me with you B Davis."
She takes a seat next to Brooke and pops in her iPod. Lucas takes a seat on the other side of Peyton and the two sit in awkward silence. She basks in the fact that they won't get a chance to talk about what happened yesterday with his girlfriend sitting right there…that is until Peyton excuses herself to go to the bathroom. As soon as she disappears through the doors, Lucas turns to her.
Breathe in, hold it
"Brooke, we have to talk about yesterday – hell everything. We need to talk about everything."
She turns away from him in her seat. "No we do not."
He grits his teeth and struggles to keep calm. "Yes we do." he moves into Peyton's seat and grabs her arm to turn her around. "Brooke! We do have things to talk about."
"Oh yeah? Like what?" she quickly challenges.
"How about what the hell happened after Nathan and Haley's wedding, why you broke up with me? Or why even after we decided to be friends you still avoided me, or why you wanted the letters back, or how you could stop loving me so quickly…" he whispers the last part so hurtfully that it makes Brooke want to turn to him and just kiss him senseless.
"I never stopped loving you," she states softly, still not looking at him. He smiles softly at her revelation and has the sudden urge to kiss her. But he can't. Not with Peyton a few feet away, knowing that she could come out at any second. But his body doesn't seem to be listening to his mind as he brings a hand up to caress her cheek and inches his mouth towards hers. He knows if they do this, there's a good chance he won't be able to stop but honestly at this moment, he doesn't care. He just needs to feel her lips on his one more time.
Brooke sees him getting closer and suddenly panics. "Lucas." she warns but his hands grip her arms and his eyes slip closed. "Lucas, Peyton could come back any minute." his eyes finally snap open and he looks at her with a sort of disappointed expression.
She sighs and reaches into one of her suitcases and retrieves a small box. "Here." she demands. "It's something else you can add to your collection of stuff that belongs to me." she can't help but make it come out bitterly but she lowers her voice to a softer tone once she sees Peyton emerging from the bathroom. "It'll also answer all your questions."
She gets up as they call their flight. Peyton comes to stand next to her and gives her a look meaning 'leave so she can be alone with her boyfriend.' She gives Lucas an awkward wave – both knowing she can't give any more than that – before walking over to hand in her ticket.
He says his goodbyes to Peyton, promising to call, then makes his way back into his car. He gets in but doesn't start it up. Instead he opens the box. It's full of envelopes. He looks at the date of each one and realizes that they're all written after him and Brooke broke up for good.
He stays seated in his car and reads each and every one of them…all 55 letters. Some were written in the same day. Others were written after something big happened that she really wanted to tell him but couldn't because they weren't that close anymore. He even choked back some tears at the one that was written after she walked in on him and Peyton in Honey Grove. It was written with such…emotion.
He suddenly regrets everything he has ever done this past school year. Getting Brooke back only to lose her again, and getting with Peyton. He regrets getting with Peyton the most as he read the letter that was written after Nathan and Haley's second wedding.
He drives back to his house, goes to his room and puts the new letters with the old ones. He then pulls out his laptop and opens the file that holds his story, some things needed to be changed…
AN: Like it? Love it? Review!