Drunken Missions,

By Ealinesse.

__________

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of the Final Fantasy series - characters, items, ideas, nothing. I do not claim to. I bet when it all comes down to it, I don't even own that lousy video tape…

Summary: You ever wondered why the Turks couldn't defeat Avalanche? They can't even infiltrate their own headquarters for one lousy video tape without the world crumbling down around them. Literally.

Warnings: Language, Attempted Humour, Periodic OOC, Random Points of Absolute Madness... (did I mention attempted humour?)

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter One (of three).

* * * * * * * * * *

It was a warm, fine day. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and the air smelt of fresh daisies. And the air was actually clear… an odd bonus for the city. All the while Midgar's eight Mako reactors were buzzing happily away in the background and their workers were buzzing just as enthusiastically around them, smiling and laughing as their daily tasks were carried out.

There was something infinitely wrong with this picture.

Smiling! Ha! Now this was more than he could bear.

Reno leaned forward and flicked the television off, disgusted at what he had just seen. "Bullshit," he muttered inelegantly as he sloshed his drink around in his glass. He took another swig, trying to wash the revulsion out of his mouth. "Absolute bullshit." He sat lazily backward and peered out the window.

The sickly green of the Mako streetlights illuminated the dull streets. Even so, there wasn't – and never would be - any sunlight here. That meant there was no grass, and definitely no daisies. And Sector Three was definitely no different from the rest of Midgar. He snorted in derision even as Elena picked up her glass and downed it in one gulp.

"If this is the president's latest tactic to bring the people together, he's failing. The strikers definitely aren't going to go back to work now… "

Rude, who was seated in the opposite corner with a full glass of his own, sombrely agreed.

Reno scowled at the television again before stumbling over to it and pulling the plug out of the wall. He then rather gracelessly pushed said television off its stand and onto the floor where it landed on its side with a sickening crunch. He sat where he had previously stood, not trusting his legs to support him the distance back to the couch. "No wonder Avalanche is kicking our ass," he muttered. "Who's going to believe a crock of shit like that! Who would even think to come up with something so… "

"Sad?"

"Got it in one, 'Laney. But who would even think of something that… " Reno tried to get his brain to function, to allow his mind to form the word he knew was there. Somewhere, at least. What had Elena said? His lips began to form around the upcoming syllables but never quite got there. He gave up and took another sip.

"… Sad?" Elena offered with a sigh.

"Yup!"

"A fool," grumbled Rude, sunglasses down despite the darkness.

"Bet it was Heidegger," Elena piped in.

"Or Scarlett." Reno snickered.

There was a short silence, followed by a groan.

"We definitely need to talk to Tseng about Rufus dropping that marketing campaign."

"…"

"Huh?"

Rude shrugged. "Do I have to repeat myself? Elena's right."

Elena's look of puzzlement faded only after she thought of an idea. "Reno, talk to Tseng tomorrow. I think I'll vomit if I have to watch that ad on the networks again."

"Ha! You think he'll listen to me?"

"… Good point. Rude?"

"…"

Elena sighed and took a hesitant sip of her second beer. It was fast going flat. She coughed lightly before placing the bottle on the small table in front of her. "Well, I guess I could always ask him."

There was an abrupt snort, followed by a sudden spray of cold liquid in her direction. Elena focussed a cold glance at Reno, who ignored the alcohol dripping down his chin, and equally so the alcohol now dripping down her own face. She wiped at the cold liquor with the sleeve of her jacket.

"What?" she growled.

"You think… he'll listen… to me?"

Elena blinked. She looked at Rude. He shrugged. She frowned. She looked back at Reno. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," slurred Reno, "I, uh… Do you really think he'll listen to… uh… you? A rookie!"

Elena scowled bitterly, then regained her calm. Reno could either be a really sober drunk, or a really… stupid one. Two guesses which one was his choice of the evening – he had, after all, been on pain meds for his injuries for the past week. Being doped up certainly didn't help things. And he had been drinking all day…

She crossed her arms across her chest, not knowing her next words were going to be her undoing. "Well, what do you propose we do, then? Bust our way in and remove the tapes from the Shinra studio, then destroy them?"

At her words Rude showed no reaction, however Reno's expression suddenly sparked to life, and the twinkle in his eyes made her internal alarm bells go off. She watched placidly as he scrambled to his feet, and then toward his jacket in the kitchen.

Elena stood with growing dread and grabbed for his now-adorned jacket even as he began to open the front door. "Where do you think you're going?"

The wicked gleam in Reno's eyes told her exactly what he was planning. When she didn't say anything, Reno scrambled out of her feeble grip and made his way out to the black car parked in front of the house. Realising what was happening Elena sprinted to the car and made sure the doors were locked. Belatedly, she remembered the keys were in her pockets.

When Reno began to shake the car, Elena rolled her eyes. "Have you absolutely lost your marbles?"

Reno stopped for a second, dropped to his hands and knees on the pavement with a small grunt of pain, and began scavenging around, bottle in hand.

Elena ignored the grin plastered on Reno's face and screwed her face up in frustration. "What, are you doing?" she practically screamed.

"Trying to find my marbles," Reno said as innocently as possible. "I lost 'em… "

Elena didn't bother to reply, but instead merely stood there. Finally Reno's search grew to a halt, and when he looked up his eyes were wide, face almost blank; expression pure as was possible. But even in the darkness she could see how the corners of his mouth were twitching, and how his shoulders were shaking with barely suppressed laughter.

Even Rude snorted at that one; a sure sign that even the infallible bald man was well on his way to intoxication.

She sighed as Reno began to get up and pull at the car's door handle.

"Come on, Elena. I know you've got the keys. Mush!"

"Reno, I am not driving you anywhere in this state!"

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are. You've drunk the least of all of us, and I'm the superior out of all of here, so-"

"Tseng is the superior, Reno."

"Ah, but I'm second in command. Then Rude. Then you, also known as the rookie. Now come on… "

"Reno… " she warned for the thousandth time that night.

He stared hard at her for a moment, then the bottle in his hand seemed to distract him. He took a swig then chose to stare down the bottle instead. Naturally, he won. Another swig. "Fine," he said after a moment. "I'll walk."

She sighed as he began to swagger down the street, then watched as Rude followed closely behind. "You're going with him?" she stuttered in disbelief.

"Someone needs to keep him out of trouble."

"I can't believe you two!"

"What's there to believe?" called Reno, before tripping on an object on the pavement and landing on his backside.

"How about that you'll even get there?" Elena muttered as Reno surged to his feet again with a few choice words.

"Not even," said Reno.

And so, confused, annoyed, and more than a little worried about their sense of direction by the time they had gotten to the end of the street, Elena hopped into the car and caught up to them, winding the mirror-tinted window down when she reached the closest give way at the same time as them.

Reno, recognising the look of resignation on her face for what it was, leapt into the car. "Knew you'd come around to it sooner or later, 'Laney."

She smirked, checked the road for traffic, then U-turned abruptly.

"Hey, where're you going!" yelled Reno from the back seat.

"Just so you know, Shinra headquarters are this way, Reno," she laughed. This, after all, did have the potential to be downright amusing. "At least now we know why you're always late to work, don't we?"

* * * * *

"Goddamn it, now where the hell did I put it?"

Elena sat back and watched as Reno turned his pockets inside out for the fifth time. She sighed, stepped forward and tapped him on the shoulder. She was met with the same reply she'd had the previous four times: the awfully familiar one-fingered salute, and an equally familiar phrase tossed in her general direction. She sighed again and turned to Rude.

Rude nodded, reached into his own pocket and stepped forward with his keycard and punched in a few numbers on the keypad. The door opened with a swish.

Elena watched as Reno blinked, then strode into the building with 'mission' written all over his face. She followed just behind him as he headed over to the elevator. When he seemed to realise that he needed yet another keycard to open the door to that, he simply raised his arm and clicked his finger negligently. Rude stepped forward with a little more hesitancy in his large frame this time, and was saved from having to talk when a bell sounded above the large metal doors to the elevator.

All three stepped back in unison as a rumpled Scarlett suddenly appeared through the open elevator door. The blonde Turk resisted the urge to snicker at the lipstick smeared all over Scarlett's face, and the way her usually perfect hair was matted and dishevelled. Hell, even her crimson dress appeared creased – what little there actually was of it. Shocked, Elena felt herself bite her lip in thought; Scarlet seemed to be surprised to see them. As well she should at this time of night. At work.

At all.

For a moment, none of them talked. But then again, even an intoxicated Reno was never short of words for long.

"Scarlett," he fairly purred, and Scarlett took another step back, bringing a painted hand to her lips. Elena idly noticed that one fake painted claw was missing.

"Scarlett, Scarlett, Scarlett," Reno continued as he swayed up to her and placed an arm around her shoulders, familiar predatory grin placed on his face. "What's the matter, hun? You look like you've seen a ghost. Have you been working late at the office again?"

"I – I-"

"Now, now, babe," Reno chastised, "there's no need for explanations. We all know that you and Heidegger must be up late working really hard on that Sister Ray project, especially with it being so close to a deadline."

Smart enough to realise a potential lie when she saw one, and quickly realising Reno was drunk, Scarlet seemed to relax a little. "Well, yes, actually. Working with Heidegger can be a hard job, he is very demanding. Though what we are working together for is going to be very rewarding in the end. It's just those AVALANCHE bastards interrupt everything we strive for."

Reno, wisely, decided that this would be more rewarding should he bide his time. Scarlet was digging her own grave here. "I'll bet," was all he managed before being temporarily silenced by Elena's growing glare.

An uncomfortable silence grew over the group. Well, actually, a silence that was uncomfortable for everyone except Reno. With his arm already around Scarlett's shoulder, he decided that it would be worthwhile for him to lean further into her. He did so, and was delighted by the way she tried to shrink away from him, wary of his sudden kindness toward her. He tightened his grip on her shoulder and grinned.

"Scarlet, babe, where're you going? Don't you want to talk to us?"

Scarlet quit her struggling and scowled. "Reno, I've got to get back to work. You know how it is." Her lips formed into a small pout and she decided to play the drunk Turk for all that he was worth. This time it was Reno who wasn't buying it.

"Yeah, yeah," Reno muttered in faint disappointment, appearing for all the world as drunk as he had been before. He leered, then. "Jeez, anyone'd think you were afraid we were going to kill you."

She snorted and put a hand to her chest in mock surprise. "Am I that see through?"

"Kill you? Us?" Reno feigned mock disbelief, ignoring the urge to comment on her semi-transparent dress in regards to her previous words. "Never. We just want a little… basic information."

Scarlett narrowed her eyes then, and Elena wondered whether the lashes would stick together with all the makeup that was coated onto them. "What kind of information?"

"Oh, just a little info, goss, office chitter-chatter, rumours, the usual bullshit."

"Such as… "

"The name of the person who instigated the new advertising scheme."

By the look on her face, this was clearly not the kind of information Scarlett had thought they were talking about. "Sorry?"

"You heard me. We want to know who developed it."

"Why?"

Reno grinned. "We wish to congratulate them… somewhat personally."

At this Scarlett frowned, but said nothing. After a moment she shrugged, expression carefully blank. "I've no idea. Really. Perhaps it was the president himself?"

Reno snorted. "Something makes me think not. Rufus's usual ideas don't seem to boast sunshine and lollypops."

The rumpled blonde pursed her lips and raised a delicate eyebrow, eyes twinkling. "Well that's all I can think of." She paused for a moment, then the pager in her hand went off. She scowled and made a show of examining the number impatiently. When she was done with her theatrics, she shrugged off Reno's arm and headed past them for the door. "Now if you don't mind, I've got to go. I'm meeting Heidegger at the Bluestone Inn in half an hour and I've got to change out of my office clothes."

As the blonde began to walk away the group of Turks followed her every move, choosing not to comment on how the back of her dress was tucked rather inelegantly into her underwear. Or her rather skimpy choice of 'office' clothes.

Seeing how quickly Scarlett was hurrying away from them, Reno grinned. "Scarlett, babe?" he slurred deliberately.

An exaggerated sigh echoed through the Shinra lobby. "Yes, Reno?"

"Are you sure you don't know anything about it?"

"No, Reno, I don't." Scarlett turned to face them, her head cocked slightly to the side. "Why do you keep asking?"

"Oh, no reason," Reno shrugged, all traces of his previous drunkenness gone. "I just figured since you sleep around a lot you'd know something about what's going on."

The words were said in such an ordinary conversational tone that it took a second for all of them to click. Elena flinched, knowing what would be coming. A flurry of expressions flickered across Scarlett's face before her smudged complexion melted into that of cold fury. Even Rude;s expression visibly change.

"For your information I do not sleep around!" Scarlett snapped indignantly.

"Fine then." Reno waved a negligent hand in the air, back straight, face calm. "Fuck around, screw around, make love, fall in love with different people on a nightly basis for five minutes at a time, have three short term relationships a day." He shrugged. "What. Ever."

Scarlett's face reddened as she turned on her heel and began striding away. "I'm going to report you to Tseng, Reno! You shouldn't even be here!"

Reno's feral grin widened. "Only if I can submit the infirmary's bedsheets to Rufus for evidence against you and Heidegger. I'm sure he'd love to find out why more sheets are discarded daily than our average amount of patients."

Scarlett paused as if she were going to say something, then seemed to think better of it. With a last shriek of anger and a whoosh of the electronic doors, she left, and all fell eerily silent. For a moment, at least.

Elena sighed. "Did you really have to do that?"

Reno turned to face his partners, complacent. "By now even you should know the answer to that one."

Elena smirked and followed the two into the empty elevator. "And I should have known that was coming."

* * * * *

Elena looked at the fourth sign that decorated the simple corridors with confusion. So far none of the signs had said anything about a broadcasting studio begin nearby, and the only place they seemed to be going was to Hojo's lab. She suppressed a shudder. "Reno, are you sure you know where the Shinra broadcasting studio is? The sign back there said something entirely different."

Reno stopped in his tracks. "There's signs?" he asked, expression puzzled.

"Reno! You're leading us on a wild goose chase!"

Reno snorted and his previous expression melted away at Elena's shock. "Okay, okay," he laughed. "I know where we're going. Just trust me."

The trio walked a while further until they rounded a corner at the end. Elena was about to comment on the sign she had just seen again, when she caught sight of the guards sitting at the end of the hallway and stopped dead. "What do we do," she whispered as the two men at the end stood to meet them. "We don't have clearance for this area right now…"

Elena tried desperately not to notice the almost imperceptible gaze that Rude and Reno cast at each other. However she couldn't ignore it any more when the two simply walked toward the guards on duty.

When the sinister look on Reno's face was recognised by the two, the guards visibly began clambering for their weapons, but before they could even so much as open their mouths Rude and Reno had rapped the two soundly on the head with their weapons. The two blue-suited guards fell to the floor without so much as a sound. Reno crouched beside them and waved a hand in front of their faces.

"Lights out, nobody home," he grinned.

"I'm not even going to ask," Elena muttered, rubbing a hand wearily across her face.

"So don't," Reno replied smugly, clapping his hands together as if they were covered in dust as he stood and made his way to the door just past the fallen guards. Elena, confused as to Reno's previous comment only just realised what he'd thought she'd been talking about when she caught sight of the cylindrical weapon swinging in his hand.

Elena blinked at the nightstick, a small frown furrowing her forehead. "I thought Rufus and Tseng confiscated that off you because they didn't want you back on duty for three weeks."

"They did," Reno replied rather smugly.

"And so how do you have it now?" Elena asked suspiciously.

Reno grinned. Shrugged. Otherwise attempted to look innocent whilst standing by the two men he shouldn't have knocked out, whilst holding the weapon he wasn't supposed to have for another week, whilst standing in the corridor to a section of the Shinra Headquarters to which he didn't usually have security clearance. "So I got it back a little early," he said simply.

"How?"

"Elena, enough questions. If you like I'll tell you the story when we get back. But for now is it enough to know that it's definitely not a nightstick in that paper bag in Tseng's cabinet?"

"Reno!" Elena visibly blushed, and Rude smirked.

"What? Serves Tseng right for confiscating one of my hard-earned weapons."

"Reno, you stole it from the munitions chamber, remember? You haven't paid for a decent weapon in your life."

There was a tired sigh. "Do you have to take the fun out of everything, Elena?"

This time it was Elena's turn to grin. "I try."

They made their way through to the end of the corridor without incident – and though it was only about six feet away Elena somehow felt that it was a very big accomplishment whilst having Reno with her. However it was when they reached a door that distinctly read 'Laboratory' in bold black letters that Elena realised that something was soon going to happen whether she wanted it to or not.

"Reno, we don't have a key card," she tried. "We can't-"

"Hojo!"

Elena took a wary step backward as Reno began to bang on the door. She cast a sidelong glance at Rude, but he didn't seem to be too worried. She curbed her nervousness and wrung her hands together. Since her earlier Mako infusions she had made no plans to pay any more visits to the mad scientist that resided inside.

"Hojo, I know you're in there! Open the goddamned door!"

"Reno, are you sure we're in the right place? This is the labs, not the-"

"Hojo open this door right now or I'll tell Rufus about the specimen prototypes you import at night!"

From inside the room came a loud cluttering, following by the sound of nasal cursing. After a long moment the door opened slightly, bloodshot eyes weepy behind thick glasses from overexposure to the darkness sweeping over the three of them with contempt.

"What do you want." A statement. No a question. Elena frowned.

"Just entrance to the Broadcasting station, Hojo, my scary little man. Nothing major."

The door closed a little. "I'm busy. I can't let you in."

Reno assumed a careless look and put his foot between the door and the jamb. "Hojo, for the last time I don't give a shit what kind of specimens you're working on – and yes, we all know that you do work with live specimens instead of lab rats – we just want to go through your little corridor and into the door at the end. The Shinra Broadcasting Network."

"And I told you, Turk, I can't let you in."

"And why not?"

"I'm working on-"

"Specimens. Yes, I know," Reno smirked.

Hojo scowled, his pale face twisted and waxy in complexion. "I must get back to work."

"And you can get back to work after you've let us in."

There was a pause, and the door opened just a fraction more. "You're very annoying, do you know that, Turk?"

"And you're an impossible anal-retentive scientist with dreams of grandeur that can be lived only through the funding of the president. However, I can get that funding cut if I tell them about the specimens I found last time I was here, can't I? We all know what you really use all that money for, don't we, Hojo?"

"… Probably."

Elena didn't like the smile that was forming on Hojo's face.

"So we agree that you should let me in," Reno continued.

Hojo rarely looked surprised, however he did pause for a moment. "Didn't your superiors ever tell you that intimidation is the worst method of interrogation?"

"Yes. However I find that I've been able to tune it into a precise little art. Now let me in."

"Turk, your methods won't work on me."

"They worked on Scarlett."

"Scarlett is a slow-minded little prat with a forked tongue and a small waist that she paid me to carve for her, which, I might add, is completely inproportionate to her breasts that may as well have been infused with Mako. I fail to understand how she is still employed here."

"Because she's voted in by all the people she sleeps with, which is at least a third of the building. Good, I'm overjoyed that we at least agree on something." Reno tapped his free foot, expression quickly growing bored. "Come on, Hojo."

There came an impatient sigh. "Why do you want in there."

Reno grinned. "Ah, progress," he fairly drawled. "Do you watch the networks?"

"I fail to see the point in such an activity, but occasionally."

"You're familiar with Rufus's new tactics for promoting Midgar?"

The scowl on Hojo's face deepened. "I assume you're talking about the advertisement where the daisies grow away from the sun, which is in totally the wrong vicinity of the sky for the time of day, where the Mako reactors don't pollute the environment. Need I mention that the employees aren't wearing gas masks to protect themselves from the fumes?"

Reno's grin widened. "That's the one."

"And what does that have to do with three Turks?"

Reno leaned forward, eyes narrowed to mere slits as he offered a conspiratory wink. "Basically, we're here to destroy it."

"Ah," Hojo said after a while, a calculating smile forming across his face. It looked like the scientist was going to slam the door in their faces for a moment, but Elena was surprised when instead, the door was opened wide. Hojo took a deliberate step backward. "Why didn't you say so in the beginning, Turk, I would have let you in straight away. The futile inaccuracies in that pathetic video make me shudder, and I-"

"Fail to see the point. I know," Reno said as he stepped in, taking a quick look around before heading down the side corridor. "Don't worry Hojo, we won't tell them about the specimens, as long as you don't tell them about this."

"Agreed. Now hurry up and get out of my lab, I've got work to do."

* * * * *

Elena was not sure what she had been expecting the Shinra Broadcasting Studio to look like – hell, she still half-expected Reno to be leading them around in circles – but the huge monstrosity of computers and shelves crammed inside an equally large warehouse was definitely not it. She felt her blood run cold as she took in the discord of shelves that held row after row of cassettes, and the lengthy tables that held panel after panel of monitors, hard drives, and seemingly infinite buttons.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," she whispered in shock, realising this place just screamed trouble. "Reno this is going to take hours to search! The guards'll come back before we even make a dent in this place!"

But all that Reno offered her was a crooked grin. "Well then I guess we'd better get started, hadn't we? Wouldn't want to have to spend the night here, after all. Oh, and don't worry, Elena, the guards to this part of the building don't come back on duty until six." Reno made a show of inspecting his watch in the dim half-light of the room. "And since it's only one right now, that gives us about… oh, you know, plenty of time. Get digging or you just know I'll give you a copy of the damn tape for Christmas!"

Elena, muttering selective phrases under her breath, followed the redheaded Turk as he disappeared in amongst the shelves. The sooner they found the damned tape, the sooner they could leave.

* * * * *

Two hours and forty-one minutes later Elena allowed her legs unhinge at the knees as she sat down bonelessly on the cold linoleum floor. They'd searched every possible name, under every possible category for the stupid tape. They'd even searched through the numbered section, and in a moment of utmost insanity, begun instead searching alphabetically for it. They had found old records, old network programs dating back decades - even recordings of Rufus preaching to himself when he'd thought no cameras were around - but no tape.

She sighed and sat back on the heels of her hands. "So much for getting this done tonight, we haven't even scratched the surface."

"Do you want to have to watch that stupid ad again," Reno growled as he shuffled mechanically along the aisle, jaw set, patience waning. Reno had been the only one to continue searching, however sporadically, and though even his resolve had to be fading, he had still yet to give up.

Elena bit back a grin. "You won't even have to, you did smash your television before we left."

"I can get another one. Besides, I'm sure that everyone else is just as disappointed about it as I am. I know the Shinra can be low, but that's pushing it. It's the principal as much as anything. That ad is no substitute for a good old group assassination, and you know it."

"Developing a sense of moral, Reno?"

"Oh, bite me, Elena. Why should I make sense if I don't have to?"

It was another five minutes before Reno spoke again, and this time his voice was loud and cold. Not being able to see him for all the shelves in the way, the yell was the only warning she got before a low rumbling filled the corridor, followed by a severe ground quake. Elena had spent enough time in Reno's company to know that such an occurrence whilst with the redheaded Turk was never a coincidence. Nor was it ever natural.

Hoping like hell that two hands covering her head would be enough to keep her brains intact as it began to literally rain cassette tapes, Elena wondered idly how she had ever been stupid enough to follow Reno in the first place.

* * * * *

Well, there's the end to the first chapter. I know, I know… Kind of a random place to end it, huh? But the next part will be out in a couple of days. Any comments? Criticism? Abuse? Feel free to tell me what you think. ^_^