Suffering For my Sins
AN: This one shot is told from Marty's point of view and it is based on the following lyrics:
"I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and
I want to
Suffer for my sins" (Lyrics from Criminal by Fiona Apple)
I stood on top of the Palace Hotel looking down at the icy cold waters below me. It had been a month since I watched him jump to his death.
I thought that I would feel better once he was gone from my life. I thought that his death would be my survival from the chains that our past provided but I was wrong.
"Please Marty...I know that we can be happy together if you forgive me." "You honestly think that I could ever be with you after you raped me. It wasn't enough that you took my dignity you had to take everything else...didn't you? You let my son believe that I was dead and you made me fall in love with you. I'm never going to forgive you." "Please Marty...I never meant to hurt you." "Well you did," I stated as I slapped him with all the rage that had been building within. "Ouch," he whispered as he grabbed his face. "You kept me scared and isolated so that the only person that I would trust was you. You kept the fact that you raped me a secret and you stood by and lied to me everyday while I fell in love with you. How am I supposed to live with that? I wanted you to feel what it feels like to be broken so I played you. I let you believe that I could forgive you. I wanted you to have hope in a future that never existed and I took it all away so that you would know what it feels like to fall...there's no love there...no love at all...you were played." "Marty, I just thought that...I don't want to live without you. I really wish that you would have just killed me." "Then jump." "What?" "You said that you didn't want to live without me...well I don't want to live in a world with you in it," I said as I pushed him down and broke whatever spirit was left in him. "You want me to jump?" "It's the only thing that can make me happy. It's the only way that I can be free of you." I watched as Todd picked himself up and stood on the ledge. "I can make you happy by doing this?" he asked. "You can." That was all he needed to hear. I watched as he jumped off the roof. I sank to the floor waiting to feel relieved that he was gone but it never came.
I realized now that without Todd...my life had no meaning. I thought that by killing him I would set my self free, but I was wrong. I now knew what it was like to be in his shoes...to be looking for a redemption that would never come. Todd was dead so he would never forgive me and I could never forgive myself. All I had left was the satisfaction that I would suffer for my sins. I climbed on top of the same roof that I watched Todd jump from and I jumped. I finally felt at peace as soon as I hit the icy cold water.